by Cat Knight
Noah was confused, but didn’t have time to debate it. He turned back to the pastor nodding and waving agreement.
“Hello?” His voice sounded breathy. Something bad was wrong, why else would the guard call.
“Is this Noah Brennan? Keira O’Connell has you listed as her emergency contact.” His grip on the phone tightened as adrenaline surged through his body. His heartbeat rang in his ears.
“Yes, that’s me. What’s wrong? Is she okay?”
“Keira O’Connell was involved in an accident, Mr. Brennan.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Bright white lights glared at her from above with relentless intensity as they wheeled Keira through the hallway of the local hospital. Her body hurt from head to toe, jolting with pain every turn of the gurney on the tiles. Clean white walls made the hall look all the brighter as they wheeled her to a different room.
She could hear wailing from afar, soft talking and weeping from nearby. Every sound that reached her seemed to emphasise fear and dying. An undefined shape passed by, almost vaporising through the air Keira as caught sight of it in her peripheral vision. Puzzled and turning to look for it she saw only a small girl, possibly about eight years of age.
She was dressed in a hospital gown, her little face sombre and afraid. Long hair fell along the sides of her face, far down her back, and her bright blue eyes looked like glaciers in a far-off distance. Her lips were plump but somehow pale and lifeless along with her pallid skin. The child’s cheeks were gaunt, giving off a malnourished appearance. But more than that, she was opaque.
Keira could see nurses bustling about behind her, completely unaware. Keira’s breath caught in her throat. What the feck is going on?
The little girl’s eyes caught Keira’s and followed her. Keira strained her neck the whole way watching her. The sad little figure stood, confused and lonely. Something about her reached into Keira’s heart, she almost heard her, asking ‘What should I do? Where should I go?’ As Keira moved into the room. The little girl disappeared from view.
Two nurses moved to lift Keira out of the transfer bed.
“I’m fine. I can do it.”
Keira swatted at them and softened her voice with a smile. Every bone and muscle ached and her whole side burned. Moving was more difficult than she had anticipated.
The nurses backed away, watching Keira groan with the effort.
“You’ll find you will stiffen up even more over the next day or two, so while you’re here, you might as well take advantage of us. If all’s well, they’ll probably release you within twenty-four hours… so now, how about letting us give you a hand while you’ve got us?” Keira gave a sorry smile.
“Alright. I guess I can take a hand - thank you.”
They caught the corners of Keira’s sheet and lifted her to the bed and drew the curtain. One nurse left, leaving the other to sponge Keira down and gently clean off the blood stains. Keira winced but the tears that clung to the corner of her eyes and caused her mouth to twist in pain were not because of the injury. I’ve killed someone. The nurse dried Keira off with a towel and pulled the curtain back.
“Can I get you something to eat Keira?” The young nurse, was no older than Keira and she smiled so kindly Keira’s heart broke. Kindness was the last thing she deserved. She gulped to stop the tears.
“No. I’ve got no appetite. I’d be sick if I tried to eat.”
“Alright then. But let us know if you need anything. And try to rest. It won’t fix everything, but it’ll help.”
The nurse shut the door behind her as she left. Keira sniffled and groaned at the throbbing in her body and lay on her back staring at the ceiling.
“Hello,” someone said.
The voice was feminine and came from the other side of her room.
Keira jolted, her head snapping to the left, toward the bed she had thought was empty. A woman in casual clothes sat on the bed, legs swinging off the edge.
She was tall, with perfectly cut blond hair and a beautiful smile but her eyes seemed far away. Keira squinted, trying to make out more of her face, but her features remained strangely fuzzy.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Keira’s throat felt tight and bruised.
“I didn’t see you there. I’m a bit loopy they’ve got me on some strong pain killers.”
Her voice sounded like someone had dragged it through gravel and the sound of it made her wince.
“I can’t imagine how you missed me; I’ve been here the whole time.”
An awkward silence followed the statement. After a moment, Keira cleared her throat. Nothing in her wanted to talk to another person, but she had the choice of embracing this distraction, or continually tormenting herself over the image of those bloodstained sheets on the road.
“My name’s Keira.”
The girl perked up. “Nice to meet you!” She flashed a big grin.
Keira waited for her to say something else, since she seemed to want to chat, but she sat quietly by, just looking at Keira. It might have been discomforting, yet for some reason, it wasn’t. Perhaps because the woman seemed so confused herself.
Pressing a button on the side of her bed the back of her bed slowly raised into a sitting position, and she adjusted herself with a wince.
“How did you end up in here?” Keira prompted, noticing again the casual clothes.
“I was in a car crash,” the girl said.
Keira’s heart leaped in a rush of fear and she drew in a short breath. The blood rushed through her ears.
The woman looked perplexed “I don’t really remember them getting me out of the car or wheeling me in here, but it was a really bad accident.”
“You seem to have come out of it unscathed,” Keira managed, but her words were stuttered. The stranger looked down at herself and lifted one of her arms closer to her face, seemingly inspecting her body. The sun streaming in through the window shone right through her arm.
“Yeah,” the woman said, drawing out the word. “I’m honestly really surprised.” Keira, grabbed the edges of the bed, her mind was racing. Was it the drugs, should she call the nurses? OH, MY GOD. A FECKING GHOST? I’M SEEING FECKING GHOSTS. Keira shut her eyes for a split second and then opened them again. The woman, still sat on the bed. Keira plundered her mind for answers. It seemed the woman didn’t know she was dead. Please don’t attach to me, please don’t attach.
“I can relate- at you being surprised” Keira said hollowly.
“Oh?” Curiosity filled the girl’s eyes. “How did you end up here?”
Keira paused for a moment before answering. “I was in a car crash as well.”
The girl’s eyes widened.
“Weird coincidence. Did you total your car?”
Keira swallowed and closed her eyes, images of the destruction that succeeded the crash danced behind her eyelids, of the horrific scream that had rung out into the sky before the collision.
“Yeah,” Keira said. “I don’t know why I’m still alive.”
The girl said something in response but Keira’s mind could not hear her. Shame, regret, and fear merged into an unbearable pain for the ghost woman across from her. Tears ran in hot trails down her cheeks, and an ugly, hiccupping sob made its way out of her body and she closed her eyes to the world. Keira didn’t see that the woman had moved to her side of the room, but she felt the touch of an ice-cold hand resting firmly on her arm. Keira shivered in misery.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, her voice coloured with concern. “Do you need me to call a nurse?”
“No. I…” Keira began, but she couldn’t force out any more words. Her throat burned. She had ripped someone away from life and now here she was, stuck in this plane of existence. Keira was despicable, the worst kind of human being. The woman was now sitting on the bed, clasping Keira’s hands between her own.
“Hey. Whatever it is, I’m sure there’s a solution.” Her words only made Keira cry harder.
They sat together
for a long time; Keira wasn’t sure how much time had passed when her sobs finally subsided. The woman gently squeezed Keira’s shoulder. “It’s okay.”
“It really isn’t,” Keira shook her head.
“Why not?” She tilted her head.
“I killed someone,” she whispered, looking fearfully at the woman. “My car went headlong into another and...” Her throat burned again, stopping her from saying anything else. She felt as if her heart was being drained of life as she spoke.
The girl’s hand stayed where it was. She made a sympathetic sound.
“That’s awful, no wonder you feel so terrible.”
The response shocked a choked laugh out of Keira.
“That’s it? Just awful? I took someone’s life! A woman’s life. A woman, just like you.”
Keira said the words meaningfully and looked into the faraway eyes of the ghost.
“Did you mean to kill her?” She interrupted.
“What?” Keira exclaimed. “No, I-”
“I can only guess at how you’re feeling, but you didn’t mean to kill her. It was an accident.”
Keira swallowed, processing the words. “It was,” she said slowly.
The stranger nodded and squeezed Keira’s shoulder again.
“Good. Remind yourself of that when you start feeling overwhelmed.” Her expression was very kind. “You have to learn to forgive yourself.”
Keira felt the tears start up again. “I can’t.”
“Maybe not right now, no. But you will.” Keira watched, confused, as the woman let go and stood up, backing away from the bed.
“What are you doing?” Keira squinted.
A peculiar expression crossed the woman’s face. She looked at Keira and opened her mouth to say something.
Keira blinked. Suddenly the woman was gone, and Keira was left to stare at a white wall and speckled floor.
Chapter Fifteen
Relief, sadness, and guilt convulsed through her and racked her body as she clutched at the bedsheet, and her mind tried to deal with what had just happened. Her thoughts raced and half formed-questions with a lack of answers fuelled the muted panic in her chest.
Before she could think anymore, Noah peered into the room. Their eyes met, and relief flashed across both their faces.
“Hey,” she said, voice cracking slightly. Noah made his way over to her bed and sat down, looking over her beaten appearance with concern. They shakily clasped hands.
“What happened?” Noah said gently. “I got a call that you were in an accident.”
Keira had cried so much; she knew she couldn’t shed any more tears. She felt emotionally dead, exhausted. She stared at Noah with helpless eyes for a few moments before speaking. “James forced me to drive into an oncoming car. He tried to kill me, but instead of that happening. I killed someone.”
She didn’t mean for it to come out so bluntly. Noah’s face was blank. Keira had been expecting to see revulsion or denial, not whatever this was.
“I know,” he said softly. I figured it was James, when the gardai called and told me you were here. They told me there was a fatality involved.”
Her breath shuddered, and she covered her face with her hands.
“That isn’t all, either,” she said. “I… talked with her – the woman I killed. Here in this room. She didn’t know she was dead, but then I think something happened for her and she left. I don’t know where she went.” Keira started to rock back and forth “Oh God! Oh, God. I killed someone. Oh, Noah, I hope she moved on.” But Noah’s mouth had dropped wide, his eyes had golf-balled in his face. Keira continued half moaning “And she’s not the only one I saw. There was a child, lost and lonely, I think she was wondering where she was.” Noah moved over and held her close.
“You can see ghosts?”
His surprise had morphed to stunned curiosity while still trying to comfort her. Keira just nodded and fell quiet.
They sat for a while; Noah processing, and Keira lost in a maze of thought.
Eventually, Noah broke the silence. “I’m going to find a way to stop this. To stop James from tormenting you. We’re going to stop it before he succeeds in killing you.”
She laughed hollowly.
“You really think so?”
“I know so.” Her laugh tapered off at Noah’s certainty; his face and demeanour were completely serious. “I have to go back to the church and talk to someone about what to do. I’m going later today. Well, tomorrow actually.” He lowered his head with an almost apologetic expression on his face. I’ve got to be there at three thirty in the morning, and I have to go into work beforehand. I can’t stay for long. I swapped my shift around for... everything.
“Huh? Why would you go to the church at that time of night?” The knowledge of such a strange arrangement had brought Keira back to the moment.
“I thought I was the one doing insane stuff!” she said shaking her head as though she didn’t quite get it.
“I know it’s odd, but the pastor said to be there at that time.” He shrugged. “I trust him. He said he’d been dreaming about this James issue.”
Keira looked at him her face an open question, and then it changed to show a small sliver of hope. A wave of relief, the only good feeling she’d had during these tumultuous hours, washed over her. “Thank you Noah.” she whispered. The stirring of hope, and the appreciation for this boy she’d met on the worst night of her life flooded her.
“I can take you home when you’re discharged,” he offered quietly.
“No, that would mean you have to leave work again. Might lose your job or - at the least, you won’t make rent.”
She pressed her face into his hand wishing he could stay.
Maybe everything would be different by tomorrow. Maybe whatever mysterious thing it was that the pastor wanted to show Noah, would have expelled James from her life by the morning.
“I’ll be OK. You know I don’t live too far away from here; I can just call for a car.”
“You’re sure?” Noah said. Keira nodded.
“You should go. I’m so tired, I can barely stay awake.” She smiled weakly. “You should go and have a kip too.”
“Alright,” he agreed with some reluctance. He leaned in to kiss her, then stood up to leave. “Call me when you get home.”
Keira promised, then watched his back as he left.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Harsh bright lights shone into her eyes in as an officious looking nurse bustled about the room. Keira half opened her eyes and slowly became aware of the dull throb of pain that pulsed throughout her body. She had managed to stay asleep on her back for some hours thanks to the pain meds but as she made to move, the stiffness of her wounds caught her in her shoulders and legs. Shielding her eyes from the harsh light she peered out from under her hand at the nurse. A tray of food sat on a portable table. It smelled like overcooked food of some kind and Keira had no interest in seeing what lay under the dull blue cover that kept it warm. The nurse turned back from the med cart and spoke to her.
“The doctor’s on his rounds, he’ll be in to see you soon. Is your pain under control or do you need something?”
“I’m alright I think.” Keira was mumbling still waking from the drug induced sleep. “Still sore, but if I don’t move too much I’m OK.”
“I brought you in some tea, in case you’re hungry. The nurse removed the cover off, and Keira looked at an old scratched up white plate which held the unappetising sight of tinned green beans, carrots, potatoes and a sausage. The sight of it turned Keira’s stomach. Instead she gulped down a small glass of orange juice, and reached for the silver tea pot filling her cup with the steaming brown liquid.
“Doctor will probably discharge you tonight. I expect you’ll be wanting to shower.” Keira mentally thought about her oily lank hair, that she’d had no energy to wash in days. Embarrassment flooded her cheeks and a hand went self-consciously to her head. The nurse didn’t appear to notice. If you need any help while you’r
e in there, there’s a call button.
One hour and forty minutes later Keira was out in the parking lot waiting for a taxi-cab. The cold air caressed her skin. In her hand, she clutched a few codeine, a prescription for the same, and a referral to a PTSD councillor. But pain was the least of her problems and a PTSD councillor could not help her with her those.
Outside of the hospital, she felt lost and alone. It was pitch black, except for the tall lamplights around the hospital guiding people to the entrance doors. A breeze pushed loose strands of hair around her face, and she spat one out of her mouth.
She walked over to the grey curb and sat down, observing the parked cars and ambulances nearby.
There was no point hanging around here, and as unappealing as it was, she needed to get home. Hopefully a taxi would pull up and she could just hop in. Calling one wasn’t an option. Her phone was dead and she didn’t feel like going back into the hospital to use theirs. Anyway, if a taxi didn’t come she would catch the bus. Whichever came first. Keira gave a backward glance to the entrance doors. Although no one said anything at all to her, Keira just knew they were all whispering behind her back, ‘that’s the one that killed that poor woman.’ In fact, for sure, she had seen the look pass between the discharge planners when Keira had stood at their station signing her release.
An old woman was standing across the street from her, by the bus stop. She was hunched over and the wrinkles on her face gave her a scowling expression even in the soft yellow light of the street lamp. There was something odd though. More than one shadow was being cast in the streetlight. Two other figures stood beside the woman.
It was hard to discern their figures but it was clear that they were present. The woman had a lonely look about her.
For a brief instant Keira wanted to tell her that she was not alone, others were with her, there were people lingering by her side. Swallowing the huge ball in her throat, Keira looked away. She couldn’t save the world. She couldn’t save herself, and hell she’d even killed someone today. A crazy laugh escaped from her mouth. Maybe she would wind up old and miserable with lingering spirits clinging to her, sapping her of her life. It was a sickening thought but it seemed all that she deserved. Keira and all of her dead friends.