by E M Lindsey
“You okay?” Sam’s voice cut into his thoughts half a block from the pub, and Niko smiled at him, shrugging one shoulder.
“Exhausted. I mean, I didn’t beat the shit out of the cage the way you did, but it’s been a while since I’ve done that. I don’t think my arms are going to thank me tomorrow.” He looked over and grinned before sliding the car into a parking space and switching off the engine. “How are you doing?”
“Regretting the way I let myself go a little bit,” Sam confessed with a sheepish smile. “I didn’t realize how it would get to me.” He didn’t allow for the conversation to go on, instead opening his door and assembling his chair with a speed that still startled Niko in spite of having seen it twice that day.
When he came around, Sam was situating his legs onto the rests, and he looked up when he was settled, giving Niko a lopsided grin. He gestured to the pavement, so Niko stepped over it and waited for Sam to move around to the small ramp and join him.
“I’m starving,” Niko groaned as they headed for the doors. He could smell crappy pub food from the fryer, and his mouth was watering. He didn’t often indulge, and he’d had a decent amount of food guilt when he and Derek had gone to gelato, but he found himself wanting to be decadent tonight.
Approaching the doors, he was glad to see the place he called had a flat entrance, and he held the door for Sam who wheeled up to the hostess and asked for a low table for two. She gave him a lingering glance which made Niko tense up for a second, but she seemed to catch herself and quickly led them over the concrete floors to a low table by a window. After some fumbling, she got one of the chairs out of the way, and Sam settled himself with a tiny grin as Niko sat across from him.
“Is it always that awkward?” Niko wondered, not really meaning to say it aloud, but not wanting to take it back either.
Sam reached for the laminated menu tucked behind the salt and pepper shakers, then shrugged. “Not always. It’s not like that at home, or places I visit a lot. But new ones…” He trailed off with a shrug. “I’m used to it, but some days are easier to deal with than others.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Niko ventured again, echoing his words from earlier that afternoon.
Sam bit his lip, and just when Niko thought he was going to be rejected again, Sam leaned his elbow on the table and met his gaze. “I got a call from May’s caseworker today, and she told me she’s arranged for her paternal grandparents to fly out and meet her.”
Niko’s brows lifted. “That’s a bad thing, I take it?”
“None of her paternal family bothered to show up until I petitioned for adoption. Not even when she was in foster care,” Sam said after a long pause. He had to stop when the server came by to get their drink orders, and they both went with soft drinks and a couple of the fried appetizer baskets. When the server left, Sam grabbed the saltshaker and began to twist it in his hands, like he needed something to do with them while he spilled his guts. “The agency left me alone too. For three years, it was just me and May, and as long as I filled out the required reports and had our monthly check-ins, they were cool. The moment I filed the paperwork, all this bullshit started.”
“The disability classes?” Niko asked.
Sam looked down at his hands, his shoulders tensed up so they were hunched up along his neck, and he chewed on his lower lip for a long moment. “That, and their sudden need to get her paternal family involved. The fucker who donated his sperm is in jail for another seven years, but he’s got a big family. They knew about her, but no one volunteered to pick her up and take her in while she was being bounced around and neglected in those homes. And no one gave a shit about it when I took her home and tried to put her pieces back together so she didn’t grow up thinking she wasn’t wanted.”
Niko opened his mouth to say something—an apology, offer sympathy, something—but the server returned with their drinks and he quickly took a long swallow to gather himself. Sam did the same and met Niko’s gaze across the table with an intensity that was almost startling.
“I petitioned for adoption—for the rights to legally call myself dad, and to be the one who she could rely on the rest of her life—and suddenly they want her. Suddenly I’m unfit to care for her, and suddenly these people want to come here to prove that I’m unable to do all the things for her I’ve already fucking done.”
Niko couldn’t stop himself. He reached across the table and laced his fingers with Sam’s, and he was almost surprised when Sam didn’t pull away. Instead of yanking his hand back, Sam turned his palm so it pressed against Niko’s, and he closed his eyes like maybe it was actually comforting.
“Is there anything you can do?”
“Hire a lawyer,” Sam said with a bitter laugh. “But because this stupid fucking state’s laws that say disability can factor into a person’s right to adopt, almost no one wants to take my case. And the ones who do are so damn expensive, I don’t have a prayer in affording them.”
Niko couldn’t stop himself. He wanted to hold his tongue and find a better way than just blurting shit out, but Sam was in pain, and he had the means to help. “I have money.”
Sam stiffened, then pulled his hand away. “What?” he asked flatly.
Niko dragged a hand down his face, but he figured fuck it. In for the penny, in for the entire pound. “I have money. I got a settlement when I got hurt, and I’m using some of it to open a restaurant, but I can…”
“No,” Sam snapped at him, and Niko’s jaw clamped shut. He pulled back, hurt, and he saw regret flash through Sam’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I just…I’d never be able to afford paying you back, and I can’t live with myself being in debt like that.”
“What about free tattoos for life?” Niko offered, his mouth so far ahead of his brain now he was beyond help. “Maybe you could help out at the restaurant. Hell, you can pay me five bucks a month and pass that debt to your children’s children, I don’t care. But I have the means, and you can’t lose her, Sam.”
Sam swallowed thickly, his eyes a little watery. Niko felt terror rush through him, like maybe they’d been on the precipice of something good, and he ruined it. “I don’t know,” he finally whispered.
“Look, I like you. And I’m not trying to be an asshole here and make you feel like you can’t provide for your kid, because I know that you’re trying to prove you can do this, and taking money from me means admitting there are some things you can’t do on your own.”
Sam winced, which meant Niko was right. “I just…”
“Don’t say yes, and don’t say no,” Niko pressed. “Just say that you’ll make me your last-ditch effort if everything else fails. Because I don’t care if you never pay me back, okay? I don’t care if you take the money and we spend the rest of our lives hating each other. You’re a good father—you’re her father—and getting to keep her is reason enough.”
“And if I take the money and still lose?” Sam asked, barely audible over the din of the pub crowd.
Niko shrugged. “Then it was still worth it, because it means you tried everything in your power.”
Sam was quiet for a long time. Long enough for the food to be delivered and the two of them to start eating. Finally, after half their plates were gone, Sam looked up and there was devastation in his eyes. “I like you.”
Niko was expecting to hear a lot of things from Sam, but that was not one of them. He choked a little, then cleared his throat. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, if my life wasn’t a goddamn shit-show, I’d seduce the actual fuck out of you, maybe date you. Since you walked into the room that night looking like an awkward kicked puppy at Derek’s heels, I wanted to pin you to the ground and shove my tongue down your throat.”
“Jesus,” Niko managed in a broken whisper.
“If I take this money from you, I’ll feel like we can’t do any of that. Ever.”
“Last ditch effort,” Niko reminded him. “Because I want you too, but I also want to make sure you don’t l
ose your daughter. If I have to pick one or the other, Maisy comes first.”
Sam swallowed, then finished off his drink before looking up again. “I need you to know that I don’t have room for anything else in my life right now. I can’t date you, I can’t let myself have feelings for you. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting you.”
“And if you could fuck me?” Niko asked, lowering his voice so only Sam could hear it, and he appreciated the way Sam choked a little bit and turned bright red. “Just fuck me, with none of the normal strings attached?”
“Is that seriously something you’d be interested in? Casual sex?”
Niko shrugged, feeling a little shredded inside because it wasn’t what he wanted at all. He wanted to be wooed, and dated, and seduced. He wanted the things Sam had promised he would have done if his life was different. And yet, he was so into this man—so absurdly obsessed with him—he knew he’d take what he could get. “You are one of the hottest men I’ve met in a damn long time, and believe me, it wouldn’t be a hardship to fuck you. Whenever. Wherever.”
Sam chewed on his lower lip, then sat back and said, “You want to go hunt down our server for the bill? If we haul ass right now, we’ll have a full hour before I have to pick up May, and I can think of a lot of things we can get done in that amount of time.”
Niko stood up so fast, he damn-near brained himself on the table, but it was worth it. It wasn’t everything, but in half an hour he’d get to touch Sam the way he’d been wanting to for so damn long, and he wasn’t going to waste another second.
Chapter Twelve
Sam was reeling the entire drive home, and he supposed it was by the grace of god alone that he wasn’t the one behind the wheel. He used his thumb to spin the ring on his right hand to keep himself busy and focused just so he didn’t panic and change his mind, because it was the last thing in the world he wanted to do.
But the fact that he agreed to this, that he encouraged it, that he had been seconds away from dragging Niko across the table and shoving his tongue down his throat, was beyond him. This wasn’t him. Sam was no stranger to casual sex, but with Niko, it was more. He wasn’t foolish enough to lie to himself, and down this road led more heartache. But he wanted something. He was feeling so damn beaten down that, for the moment, he would take this. He’d allow himself to indulge until the rest of his life consumed him and he didn’t have anything left to give.
He could only hope Niko would forgive him for it.
He’d been surprised that Niko had agreed. It was obvious the man liked him, but he so readily accepted the idea of casual sex without promises, without guarantees of anything more than that. Sam couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that’s all Niko wanted out of this. He could live with it, of course. Hell, it would be better that way. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was hurt Niko, and if feelings weren’t involved on Niko’s part, then the point where they broke wouldn’t devastate him.
That, he could live with.
Of course, the idea of sex was weighing on him, only because it was complicated. So far, Niko had shown only understanding, compassion, and want, but Sam had been down this road with someone he liked before. He’d been down it all the way to orgasm, and then he’d been unceremoniously ghosted without remorse, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to go through that again. Ending it on his terms was one thing, but the idea of Niko looking at him with pity or disgust was enough to choke him.
They were fifteen minutes away from Fairfield when he glanced down, and he jolted in his seat when he realized Niko’s hand was on his thigh. He swallowed thickly and looked up to find Niko stealing glances at him.
“Is this okay?” Niko asked quietly.
Sam licked his lips. “I can’t feel it.”
Niko’s hand twitched, and Sam’s eyes followed the movement from his knuckles to his elbow. “I figured. I mean, I wasn’t sure how it was…but I assumed. I won’t touch you where you can’t feel it if it bothers you.”
“It doesn’t,” Sam confessed. In fact, it was the opposite. The idea that Niko would touch him deliberately in a place that most people found taboo and unsettling was more than he could really comprehend. Because even his family at the shop tended to avoid it unless they were picking his drunk ass up off the sidewalk, or Derek was helping him with a bath, or massaging him when his spasms were out of control.
Otherwise, below the waist, he didn’t really exist to most people.
Niko nodded, and when he tightened his grip, Sam felt the ghost of pressure. It sent intense sensation zinging up his body, making him catch his breath, making him want to demand that Niko pull the car over and fuck him right there in the seat.
Of course, his body was already going to hate him in the morning for the batting cage, so he wasn’t going to give himself any more excuses to feel like shit by sunrise. He clenched his hands into fists, then slowly released one and laid it on top of Niko’s. He held it there, even when he felt Niko twitch under him, and they both kept their eyes fixed on the road.
When they finally got back to his, Sam’s hands were shaking as he reached for his chair. He slid the wheels on, locking them into place, and was just reaching for the cushion when Niko appeared. He stood back a little way, watching with heavy-lidded eyes as Sam set his chair down, then used his arms to shift himself from the SUV. He shut the door a little too hard, the sound almost painful, and he pushed a foot closer to where Niko stood. The tension was there between them again, a strained line waiting to be crossed. Sam swiped his sweaty palms on the top of his thighs, and he felt his breath catch as Niko stepped closer.
The distance between them shrank, and continued to shrink as Niko moved to stand directly in front of him. He was a tall guy, like everyone else, towering over Sam in the chair. His neck felt a little strained when he looked up, and then Niko’s hands fell to his shoulders as he bent low at the knee.
“Is this okay?” Niko whispered.
Sam swallowed thickly. “Maybe. I really only tolerate people kneeling down in front of me like that when I’m about to get laid.”
Niko chuckled low, sensual, his voice and body screaming sex. “You’re definitely about to get laid, but I kind of want to close this date with a kiss outside the car first. Tradition or some shit.”
“Or some shit,” Sam parroted with a half-laugh. Niko’s palm touched his cheek and he drew Sam in, pressing their lips together.
There was a beat, a breath, where neither of them moved. Their only contact was Niko’s fingers pressing hard into the flesh of his cheek and their lips stiff and closed against each other’s. Then Sam reached for Niko, closing his big palms around his waist, hauling him closer and giving no fucks at all about whether or not it was comfortable.
He felt a surge of triumph when Niko groaned, when he pushed himself in further and opened his mouth so Sam could drag their tongues together. The taste was sour and salty from the bar food, and wet and burning hot, and his head was spinning. He felt arousal prickle along his skin, his nipples peaked against the bars pierced through them, the sensitive area of his waist just above his injury line fiery and desperate. He ached to push Niko’s hands lower, to get him to stroke and grip and pull there until he shook with orgasm.
He didn’t though. The last thing in the world he wanted was to give the little old ladies on the street a scandalous show—no matter how much they might love it. He pushed Niko back a little and cleared his throat, though when he spoke, his voice was rough and strained. “Let’s get inside. We’ll be much more comfortable spread out on my bed.”
Niko muttered a curse under his breath, and his feet struggled to keep up the pace with Sam’s chair as he hurried past his little gate. He pushed up the ramp to his front door and punched the code in with clumsy fingers, cursing when he slipped and the light blinked red. It took three tries, frustrated every time he missed because his fat fingers couldn’t just be cool for five damn seconds to get this man inside his house.
Finally, the lock beeped with a s
oft, glowing green, and he wrenched the door open and hurried in. Niko closed it behind him, and they stopped to kiss again, Niko bent low with his hands braced on Sam’s shoulders to steady himself. It was desperate and filthy, and Sam knew he wasn’t going to last long, and he did everything in his power to slow himself down. This could go the way of every single fuck he’d had in the last six years—quick and painful and gone by morning—so he was going to milk every second of it.
He pulled back, giving Niko a purposeful look, but said nothing as he turned with one wheel, then grabbed them both and gave a hard push toward his room. He was there in seconds, Niko warm at his back. The room was cool, the ceiling fan spinning, the bed unmade and mussed because it hadn’t seen a guest in too fucking long.
He didn’t bother with the lights, the glow from the porch lamp enough to illuminate his way, and he didn’t look back at Niko as he stripped out of his shirt, then moved his legs off the chair with a heavy thud and pushed himself onto the bed. More than anything, right in this moment, he resented how undressing was a chore. He worried about what lay under his clothes only because he wasn’t sure how Niko was going to react, and he was tired of being afraid.
Niko, though, didn’t seem to care. His gaze flickered over Sam’s ink, the images scattered across his arms, his chest, his stomach. There were more on his legs which were still covered by his jeans, and he wasn’t feeling in a hurry to reveal himself there just yet.
Instead, he pushed backward onto the mattress until he was fully on, then gave Niko a pointed look. “Do you need a written invitation?”
Niko glowered, but his mouth twitched like he wanted to smile. “Don’t know. Feel like writing one? We could pause this, and I could hunt down some pen and paper.”