The Fall

by Kate Sherwood

  It wasn’t her fault, Joe realized. It was him. He was directing her too aggressively, and he was even transmitting his agitation directly to the cattle. He was driving when he should have been waiting. And when the steers had tried to get by, he’d been too tense, jerking from side to side instead of staying loose and easy in the middle of the saddle. He’d thrown off Misery’s balance and the mood of the whole herd. He was a mess.

  But he had too much to do to take any time off to deal with it. He’d already wasted too much daylight in the past couple weeks, messing around with some city boy who couldn’t be expected to know that summer was the busiest time in a farmer’s world. It was a time for working dawn until dusk and then stumbling into bed to sleep, not to mess around. Yeah, this whole situation could have been avoided if Joe had just remembered his priorities and focused on getting work done.

  Yeah, he’d let himself get distracted, and now that needed to stop. He took a deep breath and exhaled, forcing his body to relax. He was doing what he loved. This was his land, his job, his life. He’d made a mistake, thinking the grass on the other side of the fence was greener. He grinned at the metaphor. “It really is greener, for you guys,” he told the cattle softly. “You’re heading for some tasty grazing, no doubt. I wasn’t staying inside my fences—that was the problem. I broke out, and I was running down the highway, practically begging to get hit by a truck. You guys won’t do that, right?”

  A few ears twitched at him, and he could feel the softness returning to the herd. Even Misery seemed to be listening, swiveling her ears as if waiting for his next words. Of course, he wasn’t really sure what else there was to say. “I really liked him,” he admitted, and he eased Misery into a slow walk along the back edge of the herd. “I should have known better. He just snuck up on me, I guess.”

  Red was walking beside them now, looking up at Joe with an interested expression. “Yeah, you met him, buddy. The blond guy. He brought chocolates. Nobody’s ever brought me chocolates before. I bet they were expensive too. They seemed expensive.” And thinking about how much things cost made Joe think of the little man marching up the walk of the church like he owned the place. The ex. Or maybe not all that ex, because what the hell had he been doing there? “Maybe Mackenzie didn’t know he was coming,” Joe tried. The cattle looked skeptical. “Maybe he just wanted me out of there because he didn’t want me around his friends. I mean… I don’t know. Does that make it better or worse?” Misery twitched unhappily, and Joe made himself relax his legs.

  “Sorry,” he said to the horse. They were moving fairly well now, an easy walk toward the gate he’d opened on the way to get the cattle. “But you’re right. There’s no better, no worse. It just doesn’t matter. Right? It was just casual. If he’s seeing someone else, that’s his business. If he doesn’t want people to know he’s fucking a hick, that’s his business too.”

  Joe’s pride made him wish he’d been a bit more discreet about his visits to the church. Not that there was much he could have done, really. He’d needed to make sure someone was home for Austin, and as soon as he did that, they’d figured out where he was going.

  He shouldn’t have started sleeping over, he realized. That was where the trouble had begun. Well, a bit before that, maybe. Yeah, it had started the night of the fire, when Mackenzie had been so quiet and accepting. Joe should have followed his usual plan that night. He should have driven until he ran out of road, then gotten out of the truck and walked until he ran out of land. He could have sat there and stared at the water and let his fear and pain and frustration wash out into whatever lake he was staring at. Instead, he’d let it go down the drain of Mackenzie’s shower. Just as effective and quite a bit quicker, but there had been repercussions.

  “I really liked him,” he said again, but none of the animals seemed to be listening anymore.

  He worked until dinnertime. It was Sunday, and Sarah and Dave were scheduled to be over. They spent one Sunday dinner with his family, one with hers, and if Joe skipped out on the meal, it would raise more curiosity than he wanted to face. So he schooled his expression as well as he could and headed down to the house. The family was gathered in the kitchen, as they usually were, helping to make the meal or at least offering a critique of other people’s contributions.

  “I’m going to go shower,” Joe said as he pulled his boots off and set them in the mudroom.

  Austin looked up from the peas he was shelling and absentmindedly shoved a few fat pellets into his mouth. “Bath?” he asked.

  “Bath for me. You have your bath after dinner.”

  Austin looked at Nick, who’d been helping him with the peas. “You give me bath?”

  Nick nodded. “Sure. I can give you your bath. But after dinner. And there’s no dinner without peas. So let’s keep going.”

  Joe kept going up the stairs and into the bathroom. Yeah, he was the one who always gave Austin his bath. Yeah, the little guy had always screamed the house down if anyone else tried to get him wet. But it was good that he wanted Nick to help him. Good that Austin was growing up and getting more independent. Good that Nick was working his way into his son’s life. It was good. So what if it felt like one more piece of Joe’s heart being yanked out and skewered over an open fire? He was just being selfish. Austin was happy. Nick was happy. Mackenzie was happy.

  He pulled the closet door open and reached inside to pull out a towel, but his hand hit bare wood. What the hell? He’d done laundry the day before, put a whole stack of towels right there….

  He wanted to storm down the stairs and start yelling. Who the hell was using all the towels, and why the hell weren’t they washing them and putting them back where they belonged? Was it seriously asking so fucking much that he be able to have a shower? He just wanted to clean off some grime, wanted to stand under the spray and turn the water on so hot it burned all his thoughts away. He couldn’t even have that little bit of fucking comfort?

  Yeah, he wanted to yell. He wanted to throw a damned tantrum. Instead, he took three deep breaths and stared at himself in the mirror. He didn’t want to be that angry, ugly person. He took three more breaths and tried to think peaceful thoughts. It hadn’t been one person using all the towels. A bunch of people had used one each. It wasn’t a big deal. And Austin still loved Joe. His affection was a bottomless well, not a shallow pond. He could love lots of people. And Mackenzie…. Joe stopped there. He wasn’t ready to find a bright side for that.

  He walked quietly down the stairs and through the kitchen out to the back room. Sure enough, there was a big pile of towels on the floor waiting for the washing machine. None in the dryer, none waiting on top of the dryer to go upstairs. Joe stood there for a moment, then walked back to the kitchen.

  “You still smell like horse,” Nick said. Austin was sitting in his lap now.

  “Has something happened to the towels?” Joe asked the room at large, trying to keep his voice calm. “Is there some sort of towel shortage? Why are they all dirty at once?”

  Nobody answered him. He could feel the tension trying to split his head open. He turned to Nick. “You’re living here now? Full time, not visiting? Can you be in charge of laundry, please?”

  Nick stared at him for a moment, then said, “Well, I can chip in. I can help out. But I’m not really loving this dynamic. You know, you being in charge and handing out jobs to the rest of us. I’m an adult, now. You need to see me that way.”

  “I’m pretty sure adults do laundry.” Joe was proud he’d managed to get that out without any expletives.

  “They do their own laundry,” Nick replied. “They don’t let their brothers turn them into a maid service.”

  And that was it. Joe needed to get out of there before he lost his temper in front of Austin. He turned and headed for the door, stopping only to pull on his boots.

  “Joe,” Sarah said from behind him. “It’s almost dinner. Don’t go far.”

  “I’m going to skip it this week,” he said without turning around. He
heard her saying something behind him, but he was already too far gone to make out the words. He had no clear destination in mind, but he wasn’t totally surprised when he found himself on the path that led through a small pine grove and then came out at the lake. He wanted to be clean, and the lake could help him with that. It could help wash away all his mistakes. His failure to help a little girl, his stupidity in letting himself fall for a guy he knew wasn’t going to stick around. His pettiness with his family, his stupid frustration at the smallest of setbacks. He paused only long enough to pull off his boots again, then headed for the end of the dock. He ran out of wood and just kept walking, letting himself fall into the cool green water and then willing his body to sink. He didn’t want to drown. Of course not. He just wanted to shut it all off. He wanted to live in this peaceful solitude for as long as he could. He could barely hear anything, barely see anything, and all he could feel was the silky massage of water. It was perfect, and he wanted it to last.

  But he hadn’t taken a very deep breath before stepping into the lake, and he could feel his lungs starting to complain, so he let himself surface and struck out for the middle of the lake in an even, practiced front crawl, slowed only a little by the drag of his wet clothes and the complaints from the torn skin on his shoulder.

  He wondered how long he could live out there without going back to the house. He hadn’t come very well prepared, but he bet he could figure out some way to catch fish. And there were berries growing all along the edges of the forest. Maybe he could convince one of the cows to let him milk her; the calves were old enough to wean now, or at least to share a little nourishment. Yeah, he could stay out there for a long time. Maybe he could rebuild one of the old buildings that dotted the property and live like a proper hermit. Just him and Red. Maybe Misery too, just because she’d fit the mood of the place.

  He took a deep breath and dove under the water, pushing down until the light got murky and he was skimming along the muddy bottom of the lake. He wondered whether mermen had annoying brothers. Wondered if they got all wrapped up in self-pity and started having ridiculous thoughts about mythical creatures.

  He twisted around a little while he was underwater, and when he surfaced he was facing the dock. He could see Will sitting there, dangling his feet in the water. Joe felt like a drama queen. Will was missing his family dinner because he had to come check on Joe. It was stupid and embarrassing. Joe swam back toward the dock, not because he wanted to but because it would be even more attention-seeking to not go. But he stayed in the water when he got there.

  “I’m in a bad mood, and I don’t want to be around people. I could go for a drive, but you don’t like it when I do that. I have no idea what you think I’m going to do, but you get all worried and call me every ten minutes.” Joe grabbed hold of the side of the dock because now that he’d started talking he was actually interested in getting an answer, and it was easier to concentrate when he didn’t have to spend any energy on keeping himself afloat. “But if I stay around here, you track me down. I really don’t… okay, I don’t know two things. I don’t know what you think I’m going to do that you need to keep an eye on me to be sure it doesn’t happen, and I don’t know how the hell to get rid of you. Can you help me with either of those things?”

  Will didn’t say anything for a while. Then he half-smiled. “Because you’re an adult now. I need to start seeing you that way. But the thing is, Joe… adults care about each other. They keep an eye on each other.”

  “Or what? What happens if you don’t come and pull one of your fucking interventions?”

  “You stay out all night, and Sarah and I go crazy worrying about you. That’s what happens.” Will shook his head. “You are a moody son of a bitch, Joe. You always have been, but it’s been worse since….” Another head shake. “There are lots of reasons that I hate you doing the firefighting. I know it’s an important job, and I know you’re good at it, but I just don’t think it’s good for you. You care too much. And since Mom and Dad… I can’t even think about what it was like for you to go to that accident. I mean, to think you were reporting to just another call, and to get there, and—”

  “That was years ago,” Joe interrupted. “It sucked, but it’s over. It hasn’t got a damned thing to do with me needing to get away from Nick and his prima donna bullshit, and it hasn’t got anything to do with you needing to follow me out here and do whatever the hell it is you think you’re doing.”

  “Yeah. Okay.” Will leaned back, abruptly disengaging himself from the conversation. “You’re right. Sorry. I honestly don’t know why I can’t let go. I guess it’s because me and Lindsey—” But he stopped then and forced a smile onto his face. “Never mind. That’s not important.” He jerked to his feet and strode toward shore, then headed off into the pine trees.

  Joe stared after him. What the hell had that been? Had he been so caught up in his own shit, again, that he’d missed something important? What was going on? He hadn’t seen Lindsey at the house recently, he realized. Damn, what did that mean?

  He pulled himself out of the water and up onto the dock. His wet clothes tried to drag him back to his peaceful refuge, but he ignored the weight and jogged down the dock to the shore. He went right past his boots; the path to the house had been smoothed by generations of swimmers in bare feet, so he didn’t need to take the time. He saw his brother ahead of him, just inside the tree line, and called out. “Hey, Will! Wait a second.”

  Will stopped walking but didn’t turn around, his head lowered as if he was staring at the ground. Joe got closer, edged around in front, and saw that his brother wasn’t looking at the ground, but at his wristwatch. He lifted his gaze and didn’t seem all that upset anymore. “Sixty-seven seconds,” Will said. He stepped forward and waved his watch in Joe’s face. “That’s how much time you gave me when you thought I was upset about something. I don’t know what you thought I was going to do if you didn’t haul yourself out of the lake and come stage one of your ‘fucking interventions….’” He paused long enough to be sure Joe was catching the references, then relaxed into a less challenging posture. “We’re a close family, Joe. It’s annoying sometimes. I get that. But stop pretending it’s all one-sided. It’s not me and Sarah chasing after you all the time. Maybe it’s more that direction, but that’s because you seem upset more often than we do. Like I said, you’ve always been moody. And maybe because we know you don’t have anyone else to talk to.”

  But Joe wasn’t listening to the words all that closely. “You were playing with me? That was an act? Like I’m just your toy to wind up and let go? You think it’s funny to manipulate me?” He turned around and stomped back toward the lake.

  “No,” Will said from somewhere behind him. “No, I was just trying to…. Damn it!”

  Joe was on the dock by the time Will caught up to him. “Don’t be a princess, Joe. I was just trying to—”

  But Joe didn’t need to hear whatever Will had been trying to do. Not when his brother’s concern had brought him so close to the side of the dock. Joe was already soaking wet, but Will….

  Joe moved fast, spinning to grab his brother and then driving with his legs, pushing them both back and off the end of the dock. They landed in the water with Joe on top, and he took advantage of the opportunity to push Will a little farther down before he swam a few strokes away and turned around to watch the show.

  Will surfaced, sputtering and laughing. “Son of a whore,” he said, and then the chase was on. Joe let himself get caught, and they wrestled in the water, trading dunkings fairly equally. They had the same genes, they both had physical jobs that kept them fit, and they’d had enough play fights over the years to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. When they finally separated and grabbed onto opposite sides of the dock, they were both coughing up water and gasping for breath.

  Will was the first to recover. “I’m glad you see the wisdom of what I’m saying,” he called across the wooden deck. “I think it’s good we had this li
ttle talk. No more complaining from you, right?”

  “Oh, yeah, I totally see the error of my ways,” Joe agreed sarcastically.

  “And you’ll come up to the house? Have dinner with the family?”

  But that was pushing too far. “I think me and Nick are heading for a pretty big fight. I’m just about out of patience with him. I don’t want it to happen in front of Austin.”

  “You’re pissed enough that you can’t sit through a family dinner?”

  “Right now? I could sit. But if he starts spouting his bullshit again? He hasn’t done a thing since he got back other than babysit Austin. Child care is not a full-time job around here. He doesn’t get to knock up a sixteen-year-old and use the offspring as an excuse to never do anything else with his time.”

  “We’ll have a family meeting,” Will said soothingly. “School starts Tuesday. Maybe Austin can go to the afterschool day care and Ally can come home on the bus, and we’ll work some stuff out. Another day and a half. Two sleeps. Can you make it that long?”

  “I can if you stop pushing for me to spend time with the little ass-pain.”

  “I’m taking tomorrow off. Lindsey and I can watch Austin tonight and tomorrow, assuming Nick doesn’t want to take that over. Why don’t you and Mackenzie do something? Go somewhere, even? Go down to the city for the day, let him show you his world….” Will trailed off when he saw Joe’s expression. “Oh,” he said softly. “Things not going well there?”