The Fall
Page 20
“Bullshit.” Sarah’s voice was like an icy dagger. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, Nick. No idea.”
“Really? What am I missing?” Nick raised an eyebrow in clear challenge, and Sarah quietly stepped forward to meet it.
“You think he hasn’t taken shit from people for being gay? Maybe he didn’t get beat up, but that’s just because he was one of the two biggest kids in school, and everyone knew the other big kid had his back. But they called him names, they shunned him. Some fucking coward spray-painted his truck, and they wrote obscenities on his locker pretty much every day. There’s still people who won’t talk to him. You ever wonder why he always gets his gas on the east side of town, even when it’d be easier to stop at Smitherman’s? It’s ’cause Smitherman won’t sell him gas, Nick. Ignores him completely. Turned off the pump one time when Joe tried to pump his own. Mary Gallagher was there, and she said Joe just stared at him, then got in the truck and drove away.”
Mackenzie hated to think of Joe going through any of that, but he could see it happening. He’d seen enough ugliness from people himself, but he doubted he’d ever responded with the quiet dignity Joe could muster.
“So a few assholes don’t like him,” Nick said. He was clearly shaken, but still trying. “Don’t tell me he isn’t treated like a god in this family.”
“We treat him like he treats us,” Ally said quietly. “That’s all.”
Will was exchanging some sort of wordless consultation with Sarah, and apparently they decided there was more that should be said. “And it wasn’t always easy, even in the family,” Will said slowly. “You would have been just a kid. Maybe… maybe seven or eight. You remember Joe going away on an exchange that year? Middle of winter, last-minute thing?”
Nick nodded his head slowly. “Yeah, I guess?”
“It wasn’t an exchange.” Will looked at Ally as if wondering if she should hear the rest, then at Mackenzie, the outsider. But he kept going anyway. “When he told Dad he was gay, Dad kicked him out. Fifteen years old, on the streets, no money, no clothes. Nothing. They were driving home from somewhere, and Joe told him, and Dad just pulled the truck over and made him get out.”
Mackenzie looked at Ally. Her eyes were wide, staring at Will, and Mackenzie instinctively reached down and gripped her shoulder. She didn’t look up at him, but she grabbed his hand and held it.
Will shrugged and looked away, trying to break the tension. “Mom freaked out, of course. Big fight, right there in the kitchen. She said Dad had better not make her choose between her kid and her husband, because he wasn’t going to like the choice she made. She sent me out looking for Joe, all the places he might have gone. But he wasn’t anywhere. Dad realized he’d been an asshole, and he started looking too, but Joe was just gone.”
“I don’t remember this,” Nick said. “I mean… the exchange. I remember the exchange….”
“That’s just what they told the kids,” Sarah said softly. “I didn’t know about it until Mom and Dad died. Joe was drunk after the funeral. That’s the only time I ever heard him talk about it.”
“He was gone for more than two months,” Will said. “I don’t know where he was or what he was doing.” He looked at Sarah, and she shook her head to show that Joe hadn’t shared that with her, either. “Somehow the cops picked him up down in the city, and they called home. Mom and me went to get him because Mom was afraid that if Joe saw Dad, he’d take off again.” Will looked at Nick for a long moment as if trying to gauge the kid’s reaction, and Mackenzie found himself doing the same thing. He’d stumbled into this family dynamic, but now that he was here he wanted to understand it. And Will apparently saw the same thing Mackenzie did, because when he spoke again his voice was soft, comforting a brother who’d been shaken by a family secret. “They got over it,” Will said. “Dad realized he was being stupid, and Joe… well, he just sort of acted like it had never happened. They moved on. I’m not saying things were ever like they were before. But they got past the worst of it. And you and Joe can get past this too. Right now, it’s just a fight.”
Sarah was nodding along with her brother. “But if you try to take Austin away, it’s going to be something a lot bigger. Something you may not be able to come back from.”
“And don’t think it’s just Joe,” Ally said. She leaned forward, letting go of Mackenzie’s hand. “I love Austin. And I’ve done more to raise him than you have. Will and Sarah love him, and they’ve done more to raise him than you have. You won’t just be hurting Joe if you try to take him from us.”
“I’m his father,” Nick protested.
“You’re his sperm donor,” Ally retorted. “Joe and Will are his dads, and me and Sarah are his moms. You stick around for a while, and you can be one of his dads too. But right now, you’re just a fun visitor.”
“And even when you’re not working outside the home, you’re finding it tiring to take care of him,” Sarah said. “I’ve seen you. We’ve all been helping, you aren’t working, and you’re still getting more Austin time than you really want. Think about how much worse it would be if you were struggling to start a new business and had no family to back you up.”
“I have said several times that I’m interested in staying up here and getting that support. But I need to find a way to make it work.”
“The town needs a Tim Horton’s,” Mackenzie said. The whole family swiveled to look at him, but he held his ground. “I know those are expensive franchises to buy, but maybe you could get a loan. Or figure out some way to get dry-cleaning services here—I get that maybe there’s not enough demand for a full shop, but if you did mobile pickup and delivery, it wouldn’t be much overhead, and I bet people would be interested. Or whatever else. You shouldn’t….” And probably he was crossing a line, because he’d just met the kid that morning, but that was kind of the point; they’d just met that morning, and already Nick was willing to embark on a huge business venture with him. “You don’t need to be desperate. This church thing… it’s probably not going to work. Not the way I’ve got it set up right now. But something else will come along.”
“I could use your help,” Will said to his brother. “You’d have a lot to learn, but if you’re willing, you could start as a laborer and work your way up.”
“A laborer?” Nick frowned. “That’s 20 percent my company. Why the hell should I be starting at the bottom?”
“Because you don’t know a damn thing about construction,” Will said firmly. “And Joe could probably use you on the farm, but again, you don’t know a damn thing about that, so you’d be starting off with manual labor. Which, as I recall, is not your favorite thing.”
Nick looked frustrated, but he seemed a bit less aggressive than he’d been earlier. Maybe it was time for Mackenzie to finally get out of there. And maybe he should take Nick with him. “I can wait on the porch if you guys want to keep talking,” Mackenzie said. “But at some point, Nick, I’m going to need a ride back into town.”
“I’ll take you,” Will said quickly. “I can pick up Austin while I’m there. Sarah, you sticking around for dinner?”
“No, I think I’ll go see if my husband remembers what I look like.”
“Okay, so Ally and Nick, can you put something together?”
“I will,” Ally replied. “I’m sure Nick’s too important for a job like that.”
“Fine,” Nick said with a dirty look in her direction. “You take care of it. I’ll be in my room.”
“Or you could do some laundry,” Ally suggested. “It must kind of suck to be showering without a towel all the time.”
“Yeah, that was the sort of thing I thought we were going to be working out at this meeting,” Will said to the ceiling. Then he shrugged and looked at Mackenzie. “Ready to go?”
Mackenzie was. They drove the first few minutes in silence until Will finally spoke. “Joe said you guys aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
Mackenzie nodded slowly. “I guess not, no.”
Kind of humiliating to admit it, but there was no point in beating around the bush. “Yeah. It was.”
Will nodded slowly. “Congratulations. I think you got to that point faster than anyone else ever has. Must mean something.”
“What? Are you being sarcastic?” Mackenzie hadn’t ever thought of Will as cruel, but it was hard to find another interpretation. “I can hold a man’s attention for less time than anyone else?”
“No,” Will said softly. “You got him to care enough that it freaked him out. It’s a defensive thing—he can’t get hurt if he doesn’t care, right? For someone who’s so brave about so much, Joe is a total fucking baby about getting his heart banged up.”
Well, that was a slightly different perspective. More or less the same thing Joe had said, with a little less calling Mackenzie a gold digger, but Will’s word choices made Joe sound a lot more vulnerable. “I didn’t have any plans to bang up his heart.”
“People rarely do,” Will said. “But it happens all the same.” He looked away from the road again. “It’s too bad. He says he doesn’t want a relationship, but he totally does. He just can’t ever trust anybody enough to let them in. You know? And he can’t trust himself to be able to recover if things go bad.”
“Would he want you to be telling me all this?”
Will laughed. “Hell, no. He’d kick my ass if he knew. But sometimes… well, pretty much always, really… I know what’s best for Joe.”
“Wait. Are you saying there’s still a chance for him and me? Like, there’s something I should be doing to—” But Mackenzie caught himself. He had no idea how often Joe had gotten burned in the past, but in this case at least, he was right to not trust Mackenzie. Joe shouldn’t open up to someone who was thinking about going back to his boyfriend, thinking about giving up on the whole country-living thing and running back to the city with his tail between his legs. “No. Joe’s right. He and I have run our course. It was just going to get messy after this. Better to get out while we’re both still in relatively good shape.”
“He’s not in good shape,” Will said softly. “It’s not just you. There’s lots of stuff. But if he was with you….” He glanced over again. “The morning after the fire, I thought he’d be a complete basket case. He takes every rescue so personally, takes everything to heart… for a job to go bad like that… normally he’d be destroyed. But he was okay. Not great, maybe, but okay. And that was because of you. Whatever you did, it made him better. And if he had you now, you could help him with the other stuff.” He sighed. “I guess I’m not making it sound too romantic, huh? I’m not saying you’d be his nurse or something. It just might help him get over some of the bad stuff if there was good stuff going on too. That’s all.”
“I’m probably going to get back together with my ex,” Mackenzie blurted out. It sounded wrong. Sounded ridiculous. Why on earth would he get back together with Nathan when there were men like Joe in the world? “I’m kind of… needy, I guess. I mean, he’s got money, and that’s great, but it’s more… I feel secure with him. Not good, necessarily, but at least I know where I stand. He makes his expectations clear, and I….” He trailed off. There was no way to describe his relationship with Nathan that didn’t make him sound like a vacuous fool.
“Do you love him?” Will asked. He sounded genuinely curious.
“Love?” How strange. Mackenzie had never really asked himself that question. “I guess… no. I don’t think so. But I think maybe I need him.”
“I don’t think you do,” Will said quietly. “I mean, I don’t know you that well. Maybe I’m wrong. But it seems like maybe you used to need him, and now it’d be easier to keep things the same. But easy isn’t the same thing as necessary. I bet you’d do just fine on your own, if you tried it.”
“Maybe Joe’s not the only one who’s a bit of a baby,” Mackenzie suggested.
“Maybe not. But babies grow up. Or at least, they can.”
They didn’t talk much for the rest of the drive. Mackenzie thanked Will for the lift and headed into the church to find Griffin waiting for him.
“What are we going to do?” Mackenzie asked the dog as they stood together just inside the back door. “What do you want? Do you want to go live with Nathan again?”
The dog cocked his head and seemed to be thinking it through.
“Or do you want to stay here and try to grow up? It probably won’t work… not the business, not Joe… not any of it. But maybe that’d be okay. Maybe we’d get banged up a little, but then we’d get better. Do you think so?”
Griffin lay down and rested his head on Mackenzie’s foot.
“That’s not really an answer, Griffin.” Except it sort of was, because when Mackenzie tried to walk away, Griffin pressed his chin down harder, trying to keep him from moving. “You want us to stay?” Mackenzie asked. It was ridiculous, of course, but something about saying the words made Mackenzie feel lighter and happier. “I think we have to give up on Joe. I don’t think it would be fair to drag him into our mess. But….” He flopped down onto the floor next to his dog. “Nathan can go fuck himself. That’s what I think.” Again, the words, once spoken, felt right. “He thinks I’m too old? Well, I’m older now than I was when he dumped me, so I guess I’m still not what he’s looking for. And I’m looking for someone a hell of a lot better than him!”
Griffin heard the excitement in Mackenzie’s voice and danced to his feet, then leaned over for a quick kiss to Mackenzie’s ear. “No Nathan,” Mackenzie said. “No Joe,” he said after that, and even the dog seemed to realize that the first of those statements was a celebration, the second a loss. “Just you and me,” Mackenzie said resolutely, and Griffin wagged his tail in agreement. “Okay, then.”
He pushed himself to his feet. “But first… I think I need to do one more thing. For Joe. Might be a mistake, Griffin. Might be. But I think I need to try. You with me?”
Griffin, predictably, thought anything Mackenzie thought of was a great idea and curled up beside him as he made his phone calls.
MACKENZIE HAD been tempted to drive out to the farm and have the conversation with Joe in person. There was no real need for it; he was just presenting an option, not looking for discussion. He just wanted to see the man one more time.
But Joe had made it pretty clear that the urge was not reciprocal. Maybe Will’s insights had helped Mackenzie understand Joe’s caution, but that just made it all the more important that Mackenzie respect the boundaries that had been set. Especially considering the decision he’d come to that morning.
It was only Wednesday, less than a day after the family meeting had gone so wrong, but it felt like forever since Mackenzie had heard Joe’s voice. Maybe because he’d sounded so angry at the meeting, so unlike the Joe that Mackenzie knew. And there was a whole new tone of voice when Joe answered the phone this time. Even in a few simple words, Mackenzie could tell Joe was exhausted.
“Hi. I’m sorry to bother you, and I won’t keep you long. I just wanted… I felt bad about yesterday. My part in that. It must have felt like an ambush, and that really wasn’t the intention. Nick was just so excited about it. He said the family had capital to invest, and I didn’t realize he meant mortgaging the property.”
“You thought maybe I was sitting on a pot of gold from somewhere,” Joe said. “Thought maybe I was worth your interest after all.” There was a moment’s silence that Mackenzie used to consider whether to hang up the phone, and then Joe said, “Fuck. I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I’m an asshole.”
“You’re tired,” Mackenzie said. “But I would appreciate it if you could lay off with those comments.”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“Okay,” Mackenzie said. He took a moment to collect his thoughts. “Anyway, I was thinking about how hungry Nick is for business opportunities. And those are pretty rare up here.
Even in the city, they’re pretty rare, unless you know the right people. Which, as it happens, I do.” Mackenzie didn’t think he’d bother to explain that he’d met most of them because they were sucking up to Nathan’s money. “So, I made some calls yesterday. I wanted to find something that was fairly small-scale, because Nick has no experience, so he won’t be a useful partner that way, and he doesn’t really have a lot of capital, not by city standards. But most importantly,” Mackenzie rushed to say, since he could feel Joe’s resistance building over the phone line, “I wanted to find something that would be completely incompatible with raising a four-year-old. I don’t know Nick as well as you all do, but it seems to me that maybe he’s just got his feet dug in about some stuff, and he thinks backing down will make him less of a man. If we can just find something that would be his decision, I think he might do the right thing.”
“What’d you find?” Joe sounded interested, at least.
“I have an acquaintance who’s opening a bar. He’s got quite a bit of experience in the business, but he’s always been working for someone else. This would be his first ownership venture, and he’s a bit tight for cash. He’d let someone buy in with him if they had enough money to contribute. And he’d also make it crystal clear that the job is not compatible with raising a child. He actually laughed when I asked about that. He said running a bar is a lifestyle; you’re there all the time, or else you’re off at other people’s bars, seeing how they do things, networking. No time for kids.”
“And he’d let Nick in for sixty grand?”
“No,” Mackenzie said reluctantly. He wished it was that easy. “He said a hundred grand, minimum. I think that’s fair, really, but I can call around and get some opinions. I thought maybe I’d wait to see if Nick was interested, and then I could involve him in the process, make him feel more sense of ownership of the idea.”
“You sound like you’ve got a way better idea of how to handle him than I do.”