Raising Humans in a Digital World

by Diana Graber

  Effective day-to-day management of children’s media use also requires some sleuthing skills, especially as kids get older and visit friends’ homes and other places beyond your four walls. Sometimes it helps to use technology to manage technology.

  Step 2: Use Technology to Manage Technology

  Whenever I teach Cyber Civics at Journey School, I make it a practice, as is common in Waldorf schools, to shake the hands and look into the eyes of every student as they both arrive and leave the classroom. (A wise routine in the digital age—kids need practice at this!) In addition to allowing me to connect with every child, it offers the students an opportunity to share their thoughts with me. One day, a boy named Nathan paused on his way out the door. “You really ought to be teaching these lessons to our moms!” he suggested. “What a great idea,” I thought. I ran the idea by Cynthia Lieberman, a former public relations executive at Sony, who teaches social media marketing to higher education students at UCLA and has raised two Millennial kids. We had both recently completed our graduate studies in media psychology and were wondering how to best put our education to work. Thanks to Nathan’s suggestion, we decided to launch a website for parents called Cyberwise, and my husband came up with our snappy motto: No Grownup Left Behind!

  As Cyberwise got rolling, we started visiting schools to talk to parents. One evening we were delivering a presentation at a school in Los Angeles, where parents were eager to discuss the amount of time their kids were spending online. As the parents took turns expressing their anguish over this issue, I watched their kids, who were sitting quietly in the rear of the auditorium. They were all busy on devices—tablets, laptops, smartphones—and completely oblivious to our conversation. When I pointed this out to their parents, they explained that their kids had to be online because they were “doing their homework.”

  Curious to see what they were really doing, Lieberman roamed the room. Surreptitiously glancing over the kids’ shoulders, she spied Instagram posts, Snapchat Stories, and text messages (lots of text messages) . . . and some homework. “What they were actually doing is what former Apple and Microsoft executive Linda Stone coined as paying ‘continuous partial attention,’ where the brain switches back and forth quickly between tasks,” says Lieberman. If you ask kids about it, they’ll tell you they can successfully manage all the things their devices let them do at once. However, switching from one task to another causes both tasks to suffer. Contrary to what most kids think, it takes longer to finish multiple tasks when jumping back and forth between them than it does to finish each one separately.

  When it came to her portion of the presentation, Lieberman asked the kids what they typically do on their devices, and what they were doing right then. Smirks and giggles erupted as a few chimed in, “Homework,” “Yeah, homework, of course.” When she pressed to find out if they were only doing homework, most squirmed uncomfortably in their seats before admitting, “Well, maybe we were doing some texting and playing games in between, too.”

  “The truth is, the constant barrage of digital distractions inside and outside of class are a tremendous challenge for kids to manage,” says Lieberman. “Parents need help trying to keep their young learners on task.”

  Parental Monitoring Software Can Help

  Today, loads of parental monitoring software options are available to help parents manage not only what their kids are doing online, but also how much time they spend doing it. Mobicip, Family Zone, Surfie, Net Nanny, Torch, Bark, Circle with Disney, and Qustodio are a few such products. They all offer similar bells and whistles and are inexpensive and easy to install and use. This software helps busy parents keep their kids safe, and most make it easy to set time limits, too. More and more, parents seek out these products for this feature alone.

  Additionally, today’s devices—iPhone, Android, Mac, or PC—come out of the box with many parental control features preinstalled, including time-management tools. Usually these are accessed via the device’s system settings and are simple to figure out and use, even if you’re not a tech expert. If you do need help, visit YouTube and search “parental controls _____” (fill in the blank with the type of device you and/or your child uses).

  Of the five steps, please don’t make this the only one you follow. Using technology to manage technology is an imperfect solution. As kids get older, they become savvy at circumventing the tech parents install to manage their tech. Parental monitoring software becomes less effective when a child reaches age twelve or thirteen, or even younger. That’s why parents must help children learn how and why to put down their devices themselves. It’s important to let kids experience the benefits of unplugging and to practice this skill. Remember, youth learn through repeated exposures and need to be exposed to an experience fewer times than adults do to learn. This applies to unplugging as well.

  They also need adult role models who show them how to put down their devices.

  Step 3: Be a Role Model

  When I challenge students to give up screens for a day, I send their parents a letter asking them to do the same, so they can discuss the experience as a family. Last year, when I told my students I was going to do this, they warned me it was a terrible idea.

  “There’s no way my mom could do that.”

  “My dad has to get his email for work.”

  “My mom would die without being able to text me.”

  They were right. Parents’ enthusiasm for this activity was as lackluster as their kids’. In their reflective paragraphs, many students wrote of their disappointment in their parents:

  “My parents are so weak, they couldn’t go five minutes without picking up their phones.”

  “I realized my mom can’t separate from her device.”

  “It was hard to give up my phone for twenty-four hours, when my parents couldn’t do it for twenty-four minutes.”

  Kids learn their media habits from their adult role models, which is bad news. Think about what they see from the time they are babies: adults everywhere prioritizing phone time over facetime. A 2016 Common Sense Media study discovered that adults spend as much, or more, time with screens as their kids. Parents of tweens and teens spend an average of more than nine hours per day using screen media, with 82 percent of that time devoted to personal screen media, not work. Yet 78 percent believe they are good media and technology role models for their children.35

  In the same study, parents indicated that their top media concern was “the time their kids spend online.” Parents said they were “moderately” or “extremely” worried about kids spending too much time online (43 percent) and over half expressed concern that their children may become addicted to technology.36

  So here we are. Parents worried about their kids’ screen time spend a big chunk of their own time on screens, while kids are observing this use. Sounds like we’re trapped on a perpetual hamster wheel. The only way to pause it may be to pull the plug.

  Step 4: Practice Unplugging

  Last summer, I took a trip to Nicaragua with my family. Knowing I’d be away from my computer for two weeks, I prepared. I called AT&T and signed up for their “Passport” service for my phone, ensuring that I’d be able to use all my regular features—email, text, etc.— uninterrupted for only ten dollars per day. I left feeling confident I’d be able to stay plugged in, as I left to (somewhat) unplug.

  The first day in Nicaragua, my iPhone was stolen. My kids found this hilarious. The woman who regularly preaches the benefits of unplugging was finally going to get a taste of her own medicine.

  I’m not going to lie. It was a rough two weeks. What I missed most was being able to take pictures and share them. I’d almost forgotten that, a couple of short decades ago, I had to wait until I got home from a vacation to look at my pictures, let alone share them with family and friends. When we got lost, which was often, I couldn’t rely on my navigation app to find our way. I had to talk to actual people, in Spanish, to get directions, also in Spanish. Without the aid of a language app, I co
uldn’t use my compass to figure out which way we were going either. So I did something I hadn’t done in ages: I navigated by landmarks—mountains, the Pacific Ocean, the sun’s position in the sky. I felt like a modern-day Magellan.

  Phoneless, I started noticing a lot more around me. One afternoon, we dined in a restaurant that was situated on a big public square in León, a picturesque town near the capital of Managua. The afternoon was resplendent with people-watching opportunities. At the table next to us sat a dozen or so American tourists, all teenage girls, staring down at their phones instead of enjoying the sights and sounds around them. I never would have noticed them if I had my own phone! By the time we returned to LAX, I’d become expert at looking at others looking at their screens. Waiting in line at customs, I realized that I was the only person, save a sleeping infant, not gazing down at a screen. If eyes truly are the window to the soul, I thought, what a soulless society we’ve become.

  This Zenlike revelation was forgotten as soon as my new iPhone arrived in the mail.

  But some of the benefits of my forced unplugging remain. I decided to disable all of my notifications when I got home, and they remain off today. It’s nice to no longer jump out of my skin every time I get a text message, new tweet, or Facebook comment. I try not to look at my email every five minutes either. I’m no saint, as my kids will attest. Breaking addictive habits takes constant vigilance and practice. But for me, had the plug not been pulled, I would not have experienced or learned the benefits of unplugging. So, to the pickpocket who lifted the phone from my backpack, I say, “Gracias.” (And to Apple I say, “Gracias a Dios,” that I could erase my phone remotely!)

  The Benefits of Getting Kids to Unplug

  I wanted my reluctant seventh graders to experience the benefits of unplugging, too, so I gave them several months to complete their homework assignment. Even so, only nine out of twenty-eight students ever did unplug, despite repeated warnings that not doing so would affect their final grade. This would have been a huge failure except that one of the students who did complete the assignment was Nick, the boy who had jumped up and contested its legality. After a media-free day, he handed me the following paragraph:

  Last Saturday I went twenty-four hours without media. It was difficult because my life revolves so much around media. Instead I had to do other things like play with my dogs or walk at the park or even go for a bike ride with my family. The best thing about doing this is after a while you start to feel calm and relaxed. I believe that all people should try to go twenty-four hours without media.

  A few months after Nick turned this in, I asked him if he still believed the assignment had been beneficial. “Well, at first I thought it was stupid,” he told me. “But it did help me learn that I can survive, and even have fun, without my phone.”

  Before walking out of the classroom, Nick turned to add, “Ms. Graber, you definitely need to assign this homework more than once.”

  College Students Benefit from Unplugging, Too

  Despite her students’ complaints, Siani held firm to the “Digital Cleanse” challenge. She had better luck than I did. “After a few days,” she told me, “nearly every student started reporting positive things, even if it was hard for them to get there.”

  For example, Steve, the young man who thought he wouldn’t be able to stand the anxiety of not having his phone, said, “It was actually invigorating to be out in the world. Usually I’m plugged in to my headphones when I’m walking to class, and I don’t really talk to anybody. But I interacted with strangers, gave them a hello, a small wave, or whatever. It felt good.”

  Another student reported, “I thought I suffered from insomnia, but once I didn’t have the distraction of the cell phone or computer I fell asleep in, like, fifteen minutes. It was really awesome to feel so good.”

  “Every student who has ever gone through with this assignment got benefits out of it and wanted to share them,” said Siani. Whether they can sustain those benefits remains to be seen. “It’ll be tough for them,” she admits. “That’s why it is critical to teach the benefits of authentic human connection at a young age.”

  Siani encouraged me to keep trying to get my young students to experience life without their phones. “Humans need to be understood by other humans; it’s in our DNA,” Siani told me. “An entire generation lost out on this message. The younger they know that there is a difference between the value of authentic interactions and the more they practice connecting in person, the better for all of us.”37

  Step 5: Connect with Nature

  When I was barely two years old, my dad used to sit me on the handlebars of his old, rickety ten-speed and pedal nearly five miles from our house to the beach. This, as unsafe as it was, is one of my fondest memories and likely explains why I spend most of my free time on a bike and spent my early career working in outdoor sports. Today, I’m always looking for ways to get kids to love the outdoors as much as I do. With my own kids, this was easy. We spent tons of time traipsing around outside in the remote locations where their dad was working on one outdoor film or another. With my students, I encourage them to think of things they can do outdoors, away from technology. In return, they have encouraged me to think of the outdoors as a place where we might enjoy both nature and technology.

  “In my perfect dream world, I would prefer it if kids did not bring their devices to public parks and nature spaces,” writer Michele Whiteaker told me, “but I realize it’s inevitable. Unfortunately, they really don’t have guidelines to help them know how to maintain a healthy balance between enjoying tech and enjoying nature.”38

  Whiteaker, a certified interpretive guide and mom of two, founded her FunOrangeCountyParks.com blog over a decade ago, to promote play and empower families to get outside. A few years ago, she invited me to work with her on a project for the Children & Nature Network blog exploring how kids—and adults, for that matter—can find a healthy balance between tech and nature. I loved her idea and readily agreed. We came up with the following guidelines:

  •Research before, share after. The time to use technology to enhance your nature experience is before you go and after you return. Whiteaker calls this strategy “bookending.” It’s okay to make some time and space to snap a few photos while you’re out, but otherwise, replace that selfie stick with a walking stick, put your smartphone in your pocket, and be present in your nature experience.

  •Let why be your guide. Always ask yourself if you need to be connected. For instance, are you blogging to inspire others? Keeping a nature photo album? Telling a story? Doing research? “Collecting” flora and fauna through photographs? Navigating your way around? If the answer to these types of questions is no, then put away your tech and enjoy the moment.

  •Don’t be distracted. Ask yourself: Is your tech helping you see things, or is it making you miss the moment? If your goal is time in nature, then give nature 100 percent of your attention. A few years ago, an entire class missed the breaching of a whale because they were all on their phones, and another class almost walked into a deer right in front of them because they were distracted by their devices. Don’t let yourself miss special moments like these.

  •An hour away is more than okay. Always, always, always leave time for enjoyment and the purity of the moment. Don’t let the constant beeping of text messages, tweets, and waiting Snaps interfere. They will be there later. As you get out more, you’ll get better at this.

  •Turn off the sound and look around. Part of the nature experience is being silent, so you can enjoy the sounds of the wild. No one wants to miss this because of the click, click, click of texting or taking photos. Nature is a sacred place to those who are enjoying it and to the wildlife that calls it home. Do your best not to interrupt this experience.

  •Tech is not terrible, but how you use it may be. Technology is often vilified and placed into opposition with nature experiences, but tech can be a handy tool. Use it for identification, research, or the way you would use a field guide
to enhance your outdoor experience. But remember that you don’t have to know the name of something to enjoy it. And in case you get lost or run into trouble, having a phone handy is a good idea.

  •Don’t trample the woods to share your goods. A graffiti artist once defaced a rock formation in a national park to share his work on Instagram, while ex–Boy Scout leaders knocked over an ancient rock formation to shoot a video.39 Getting that one-of-a-kind shot to share with “friends” doesn’t mean you should trample or deface natural resources to get it. Don’t get carried away just to share your experience with others, like the hiker who fell forty feet to his death while taking a selfie at a waterfall.40 No shot is worth losing a life.

  •Nature is its own best teacher. The intrinsic value of nature emerges when we can experience it for what it is. When you see something occur in nature that you’ve never seen before and may never see again (like the scene in New Zealand that I described at the beginning of this chapter), you’ve just experienced a dose of what Richard Louv, author of Last Child in the Woods, calls “Vitamin N.”41 Louv claims that Vitamin N helps us navigate struggles and makes us healthier, smarter, and happier.

  CYBER CIVICS MOMENTS

  It’s inevitable that kids will want to spend time with their screens. Lots of time, if you let them. That’s why it’s vital to help them learn how to maintain a healthy balance between screen time and everything else that life has to offer. They might need to be reminded what offline life has to offer. Or they might need help combining their two lives, as in the tech/nature example above. But kids are smart and adaptable, and even if they resist at first, they will be grateful for your help in the end. I promise. Remember, it’s all about balance—finding it and maintaining it. I hope these activities will help your family achieve this balance.

  Make an Offline-Life List

  Many kids today find their most pleasurable experiences online, and that’s too bad because the real world offers lots of pleasurable experiences too. Dr. David Greenfield helps his own patients reconnect with offline life’s pleasures by having them write down one hundred things they can do without a screen. Even though many find this activity challenging initially, once they get going it becomes easier, and their lists become road maps, full of real-time activities to choose from when the urge to plug in hits.