Raising Humans in a Digital World

by Diana Graber

  3.It’s public. Everyone sees bullying when its online.

  This last factor—that cyberbullying is visible to many—can work in the target’s favor! Imagine if every young “bystander” (someone who witnesses online cruelty) learned how to be an “upstander” (someone who does something about online cruelty). This could go a long way toward ending cyberbullying. Please see the activity at the end of this chapter that shows you how to teach your children to be upstanders.

  EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT

  There is no way of knowing how a child on the receiving end of cruelty—the target—will react. Some kids are resilient, while others are more sensitive to cruelty of any kind. As I write these words, stories of young children who have tragically taken their own lives (the digital-age name for this is bullycide) litter the internet:

  •Twelve-year-old Gabriella Green of Panama City Beach, Florida, committed suicide after enduring cyberbullying from two twelve-year-old classmates.62

  •Ten-year-old Ashawnty Davis hung herself after a video of her fighting another girl was posted to the social media site Musical.ly.63

  •Twelve-year-old Rebecca Sedwick of Lakeland, Florida, jumped to her death, after she had been bullied online by two teens, a twelveyear-old and a fourteen-year-old.64

  Each of these tragic incidents, equal in their heartbreak, share another commonality. The targets and most of the perpetrators are twelve years of age or younger—technically too young to have accounts on the social media sites where most of the bullying took place. Respecting the minimum age requirements of social media sites seems like a painfully obvious, and simple, solution to at least reducing online cruelty.

  I asked Ross Ellis about this. She is the passionate founder and CEO of STOMP Out Bullying,™ the leading national nonprofit dedicated to reducing and preventing bullying, cyberbullying, and cruelty of all kinds. Her website is another one you must visit (https://www.stompoutbullying.org), because in addition to providing excellent resources about cyberbullying and other types of cruelty, it offers a live HelpChat line, staffed by counselors trained to assist young people being bullied online.

  “I’m always surprised when parents let a young child open a social media account because ‘all their friends have one,’ or when they hand their young child a $600 phone with every app on it, yet don’t teach them the responsible digital citizenship that will keep them safe,” Ellis told me. “It is so important to talk to kids early about online bullying. Even seven-year-olds today know about suicide.”65

  WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

  In addition to being mindful of age restrictions and teaching device responsibility, what can parents do to protect their children from cyberbullying? “First and foremost, parents must make sure their children feel safe,” advises Hinduja. Sadly, “nearly two-thirds (64 percent) of the students who experienced cyberbullying stated that it really affected their ability to learn and feel safe at school,” he says.66 Parents must be their children’s advocates. They must take time to talk and listen. And they must inform their schools when and if their children are involved in an incident.

  Parents can also help their children collect evidence when and if online cruelty occurs (find out how to do this at the end of this chapter) and help their children get this evidence into the right hands—the school, the social media network, gaming site, service provider, or whatever other entity might be involved.

  Finally, parents should ask their children’s schools if and how they teach bullying and cyberbullying prevention. Every school must make time for this.

  WHEN PREDATORS SEEK ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS WITH KIDS

  In late 2016, I began fielding questions from parents about a new app called Musical.ly. Launched in 2014 by a Shanghai-based company, Musical.ly (now called TikTok) amassed two hundred million registered users almost overnight, and many of these were kids—very young kids.67 They love the app because it lets them make short videos in which they lip-sync and dance to popular songs. Think karaoke meets YouTube. Then they post their creations, sit back, and wait to be showered with hearts. What’s not to love?

  According to social media advertising agency executive Gary Vaynerchuck, “I would say that Snapchat and Instagram, they skew a little bit young.” He adds that “with Musical.ly, you’re talking about first, second, third grade.”68

  That’s what I was hearing from parents, too. Many were visibly distraught as they recounted stories of their young kids talking them into letting them download Musical.ly, convincing them it was “just a music app.” One mom told me, “I figured, ‘What’s the harm?’ Next thing I know, my daughter has 2,200 followers. That freaked me out, so I tried to delete her account and discovered it was impossible to do.”

  The social nature of this app encourages users, many too young to know better, to share personal and identifying information with strangers. When I downloaded the app, it was relentless in its pursuit of my age, phone number, contacts, email address, and more. The app also lets users perform for and connect with strangers, and sometimes these strangers are not who they appear to be.

  Here’s an example: An Australian mother let her nine-year-old daughter, Lilly, download Musical.ly. Lilly was a fan of a U.S. teen dance star named JoJo Siwa, who starred in the reality show Dance Moms. Understandably, Lilly was beside herself with joy when she received what she thought was a message from JoJo on the app.

  This concerned her mom. Pretending to be Lilly, she responded to a message from “JoJo” that asked what she was doing and what she was wearing. After Lilly’s mom answered that she was in her room dancing in her pajamas, “JoJo” asked her to send a video “without clothes, showing off your body.”

  Lilly’s mom, still pretending to be Lilly, said she might get in trouble for doing this. So “JoJo” responded, “Delete it afterward, silly.”

  Following this disturbing exchange, Lilly’s mother contacted the parents of one of Lilly’s friends, only to hear that child had been contacted by “JoJo,” too. The friend had received a message asking her to send a video of herself removing her underwear.

  Lilly’s mom reported this incident to the Australian Federal Police (AFP) and learned that predators commonly use fake celebrity profiles to form online relationships with children. In one year alone, the AFP received more than nine thousand reports related to child exploitation, including online grooming.69

  CYBER CIVICS MOMENTS

  Have “The Talk” (About Sexting)

  As uncomfortable as it might be, you must talk to your children about sexting. If you think your children are too young to discuss sexting, then they are definitely too young to own a connected device with a camera. Here are your talking points:

  •Define sexting. Don’t assume your children know what sexting is. Tell them it is the sending, receiving, or forwarding of sexually explicit or sexually suggestive images, messages, or video via a cell phone or the internet. Don’t be surprised when they ask you to define “sexually suggestive.” Explain that sending such images of or between minors is a crime in most states. (Look up the laws in your own state here and share them with your child: https:// cyberbullying.org/state-sexting-laws). These examples will help your children understand what kinds of things might be categorized as “sexting”:

  Nude or nearly nude selfies

  Videos showing nudity or sex acts

  Text messages that propose sex or refer to sexual acts

  •Ignore and don’t ask. Tell your children that if anyone ever asks them for a sexually explicit image, their answer is no. Explain that they should never, under any circumstances, ask for one either.

  •Delete and don’t repeat. If someone sends your children a sexually explicit image, tell them to immediately delete it. Never, under any circumstances, should they share a sexually explicit image with others, no matter how tempting it may be to do so.

  •Speak up. Tell your children to speak up if they know or hear that a sexually explicit image of someone is being circulated. They should tel
l the person whose image it is first, because they would want someone to tell them, right?

  •Think twice before hitting send. Explain to your children, early and often, that the moment an image or message is sent via electronic device, it is no longer in their control. It can never be taken back. It will likely spread beyond the person who was meant to see it.

  •Share a cautionary tale. The easiest way to reinforce these points is through a cautionary tale, which are easy to find online. If you search “sexting” and “high school,” you will have abundant sorrowful tales to share. Select stories that are appropriate for your children to hear. Don’t preach, but ask leading questions, such as, “What did you think about this story?” and “What would you do if you were in this situation?”

  Cultivate Kindness

  The most effective way to curb cyberbullying is to stop it before it starts. This is how cultivating empathy can help.

  This simple activity is an extension of one recommended in Chapter 2, “Tell Stories.” Even as children move through elementary school and beyond, they will crave good stories and will learn a lot more from a captivating tale than a boring lecture. Journey School’s cyberbullying prevention program centers around rich stories about heroes, honorable people, role models, and other real-life upstanders. Hinduja says he and Patchin are fans of stories, too, because they “cultivate empathy among youth to make sure they can emotionally understand the harm they can inflict with some of their actions online.”70 Here are some of the books they recommend: El Deafo, Wonder, Same Sun Here, Inside Out and Back Again, Night (by Elie Wiesel), Where the Red Fern Grows, and Out of My Mind.

  Utilize Common Sense Media’s rating system to find out what books and other media are appropriate for your children: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/reviews.

  See Cyberbullying? Here’s What to Do

  Many students have told me they would not know what to do if they were treated cruelly online, or if they saw someone else being treated cruelly online.

  This is unacceptable, especially considering that 88 percent of social media–using teens have witnessed other people being mean or cruel on social network sites.71 Not to mention that 90 percent of social media–using teens who have witnessed online cruelty say they have ignored it; more than a third have done this frequently.72

  Imagine if all children knew what to do if they or their friends were being cyberbullied, and they did it. The steps are so simple: Take stock, block, and talk:

  1.Take stock. Take a screenshot of the evidence. Make sure your children know how to use their connected devices to take a screenshot of any harmful messages and save them. If you don’t know how to take a screenshot yourself, search for “how to take a screenshot with [type of device].” Taking a screenshot will enable your children to save any cruel comments as evidence to share with a trusted adult, or to report the incident to the social media network where the cruelty occurred.

  2.Block. Tell your children they need not be subjected to online cruelty. Such activity is easy to block. Hinduju shares this invaluable advice: Children can control their online experience by blocking and reporting other users who have harassed or annoyed them. Every major social media app and online multiplayer game has that functionality built in, and youth don’t need to subject themselves to interactions with people who are mean. Also, they should not hesitate to unfollow or unfriend anyone who compromises the quality of their online experience. It’s hard to do so sometimes—even for adults—but we must.73

  3.Talk. Encourage your children to talk to a trusted adult about anything online that makes them feel uncomfortable. Hopefully, that trusted adult is you! Even if it’s not, encourage your children to turn to a teacher, coach, family friend, or relative. Additionally, tell your children to contact the social media company, website, gaming network, or service provider involved in the incident. Most have strict policies forbidding cruelty of any kind. The Cyberbullying Research Center has compiled an ever-growing list of contact information here: https://cyberbullying. org/report. If your children don’t have a trusted adult they feel comfortable talking to, let them know about the free and confidential live HelpChat line for youth ages thirteen to twenty-four offered by STOMP Out Bullying™ (http://www.stompoutbullying.org/information-and-re-sources/helpchat-line/). Kids being bullied or who may be contemplating suicide can get help from trained volunteers. To date, this chatline has helped over five million students resolve bullying and cyberbullying situations and has saved over six thousand lives. “Yes, we’ve helped a lot of kids,” says Ellis. “But even that is not enough. I know that any day I’m going to go online and read about a child I wasn’t able to save.”74

  Be Upstanding!

  Recently, when visiting a middle school, I asked the students if they knew what the term upstander meant. Perhaps they were being bashful, but not a single kid offered a definition. Finally, after a long, awkward pause, a boy in the back of the room raised his hand. “It sounds like something my mom always says: ‘Be the helper.’” “What a great definition,” I thought!

  Here are three easy ways for a kid to “be the helper” online:

  1.Give comfort. Tell your children they don’t have to stand up to the perpetrator of online cruelty to be an upstander. Often confrontation is difficult for children, online or offline, and that’s okay. Tell them that giving support to or sharing a kind word with the target may be just the help needed!

  2.Report the incident. Tell your children that they don’t have to be the target of online cruelty to report it. They can take a screenshot, tell a trusted adult, or report the incident to the social media network where it took place.

  3.Stand up, but be kind. Some kids do have the courage to stand up to perpetrators of online cruelty. To these children I say, “Fight cruelty with kindness.” Advise your children not to sink to the level of online cruelty. Instead, they might try disarming the sender with a message of concern or kindness. Comedian Sarah Silverman did this expertly by responding to an online troll with this message: “Your rage is thinly veiled pain . . . see what happens when you choose love.”75 Imagine an online world filled with such kindness and concern. Now that would be upstanding!

  Chapter 6

  Privacy

  Facebook is changing the norms of what it means to be private, what it means to be a kid, and what it means to be a “human product.” As the phrase goes, if you are not paying for it, then you are not the customer, you are the product.

  — JONATHAN TAPLIN, MOVE FAST AND BREAK THINGS1

  Every year I play a trick on my seventh-grade classes. Instead of launching into one of our regularly scheduled lessons, I deliver the following special announcement: “The school principal just hired a research firm to help him customize the school to better meet your needs. To accomplish this task, researchers will be on campus for one week. During this time, they’ll be collecting personal information about you, such as your name, age, address, and so forth. They’ll also be following you around and tracking your habits, like where you go (including the restroom, lunch area, playground, etc.), how long you spend there, who you spend time with, and basically everything you do all day.”

  As you have probably guessed, this ploy aims to make kids realize that every time they go online, to download an app, play a game, fill out a form, visit a website, buy a product, or do just about anything, their personal information and habits are being collected, sometimes without their knowledge or consent. I discovered this ingenious method of introducing students to the concept of “personal information and online privacy” in Common Sense Media’s Digital Citizenship lessons, which they offer free online. This lesson works every time.

  You can imagine how indignant twelve- and thirteen-year-olds become when they hear this announcement. They complain bitterly about this egregious violation of their privacy. And when they do, I’m ready. Handing every student a piece of paper, I invite them to express their concerns in a letter to the school principal. For many, this is the first
letter they’ve ever written! What they put down on paper is striking:

  “This to me is an invasion of privacy and stalking.”

  “They call it ‘personal info’ for a reason. If we gave it away, it would not be ‘personal’ anymore.”

  “I don’t want to feel like a lab rat. Also, my mom said not to give personal information to strangers.”

  “Who follows you around everywhere and keeps track of your every move? This is kind of creepy. Let me make this more clear: It is a lot creepy!”

  “You know it’s illegal to ask children for their personal information without asking their legal guardians first.”

  “I would like to know what they are going to do with this information.”

  “I strongly believe in children’s rights to be safe.”

  “These people have no right to know my habits or personal information.”

  “I will not do this without my mother’s approval.”

  “Just no. It’s creepy.”

  Don’t you think it’s astonishing that kids who so readily sign up for apps and services without a care to either privacy or parental approval are so eager for it in this situation? Nevertheless, when I explain that no researchers will be coming to the school, but that whenever they go online, their personal information and habits are being collected as though researchers were living in their phones, they are stunned. Then I read their own words back to them.

  That’s what really gets them. As one seventh-grade boy put it, “Wow. Mind blown.”

  REALITY IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

  If kids knew how close to reality this scenario is, their young minds would be blown. Attorney Bradley Shear, whom you met in Chapter 3, explains how personal information is being collected from schoolchildren in his blog, Shear on Social Media Law & Tech:

  The type and amount of data being accumulated and stored by K–12 schools and third-party vendors is staggering. For example, some elementary schools deploy identification cards with RFID [radiofrequency identification] chips that track when and how many times our kids go to the bathroom, how long they spend inside a bathroom stall while taking care of their personal business, and how many times they go to the water fountain, along with all of their daily movements in and within the school’s property. Other schools utilize biometric palm readers that scan our kids’ hands or fingerprints to track everything our kids buy in the school cafeteria. All of this cumulative data is a honeypot for colleges, employers, insurance companies, data brokers, cybercriminals, foreign governments, etc.2