by Bijou Hunter
But the entire time, I struggle with my own panic. I’m not equipped for drama. This child simply exhales raw pain as if no time has passed since she watched her mom die. Raimi shakes in my arms, holding on to me like only I can keep her from drowning in grief.
I don’t know how much time passes before her tears end. She holds on to me as people pass by. The road gets busier as locals drive home from work. I wish to get away from prying eyes and cruel gossip.
That’s how weak I feel now. I’m actually worried about what those assholes think.
“Raimi, let’s go home and see your dad, okay?” I say, and she looks up at me.
“Is he going to die like Mama?”
The answers in my head aren’t what a child would want to hear. I can’t say everyone dies or how her dad is healthy. Teigh seemed fine, too. No, there are no words to fix her fear.
“Your dad loves you. I bet he and Caesar are worried we’ve been gone for so long.”
Raimi hugs her backpack. “Thank you for the ice cream.”
I feel her pulling back into herself now. She wears the shy, tight smile I remember from when we met. Raimi lives with eternally positive people, and her grief doesn’t fit in their upbeat world. That’s why she hides her pain.
Sam doesn’t want her pretending. Fred and Pricilla wouldn’t, either, but they’re like me. We only know what we know. Sam is open to different things, rolls with changes, and remains unafraid of pain. He’ll figure out how to help Raimi.
And Alyn has a degree in psychology. She’ll have plenty of ideas, too. She might even know a child shrink nearby.
Yes, between them, they’ll figure out how to help this girl in a way I can’t.
Raimi must sense I’m in over my head. When I pull up to her house, she puts on a sweet smile and thanks me for the ride home. I feel like a fucking loser, knowing I left this child thinking she has to lie for my benefit.
Sam comes out to meet her, but I don’t wait around to talk to him. My heart hurts with guilt, panic, and impending dread.
I realized today how I don’t have what it takes to be close with Sam’s kids. Worse than simply being short on maternal instincts, I lack the heart necessary to share a life with Sam and his family.
THE CHARMER
Earlier, Nev sent a text saying she took Raimi for ice cream. The wording made me think my daughter sent it. Though I’m tickled fucking pink they decided to hang out, I realize something isn’t right as soon as Raimi climbs out of the black SUV.
First, Nev doesn’t stick around or even signal me. She’s gone once Raimi reaches the front porch. I also notice red around my baby girl’s eyes.
“Were you crying, squirt?” I ask as we walk inside.
Raimi stops to hang up her jacket. “Uh-huh.”
“How come?”
“I don’t know.”
“I think you do.”
Sighing, she lowers her chin. “We talked about Mama, and I cried. Now, Nev doesn’t like me.”
“I’m sure that last part isn’t true.”
“I shouldn’t have cried.”
“Sharing your feelings isn’t bad,” I say, hugging her.
When my daughter stares up at me with her big blue eyes, I feel her searching for something on my face. Whatever she finds inspires a smile.
“You picked up Caesar for alone time.”
“Did Nev tell you that?”
“She said you would do that with me one day.”
“Welp, that’s true,” I reply as we walk up the stairs to the main living area.
“There she is,” Fred says and taps her nose. “Did you have ice cream?”
“Chocolate with candy on top.”
“Oh, boy, am I jealous of this one’s sweet tooth,” he says and grins at Pricilla.
“I forgot to get the meat out for dinner,” she says, clearly thrown off her schedule with the kids coming home at different times. “What will we eat?”
“I can’t imagine we’ll starve,” Fred tells her while I smile at Caesar.
“How about I go out and grab us some food?” I suggest as Raimi joins Pricilla in the kitchen. “Also, might check on Nev to make sure she didn’t give herself a toothache with her ice cream.”
“She got vanilla,” Raimi explains and hugs her nana. “The preacher man called her a whore.”
“Whoa, now,” Fred says, eyes wide. “We don’t name-call in this house. I don’t care what that bully said.”
“Nev didn’t cry. She wasn’t scared,” Raimi mumbles and checks on the birds. “She was going to beat him up.”
Inside, I’m worked up. I’ve never met Stew Krason, but I’m ready to bury the guy. No matter my anger, I only smile at my parents.
“How about I check on Nev and pick up dinner? I’ll be back in a little bit.”
“This was Pricilla’s plan all along,” Fred teases, and Mom grins. “She just wanted to get out of making us a great dinner.”
“Oh, you,” she says, and they begin their flirting routine I’ve witnessed thousands of times over the years.
Once the kids start their homework, I head to Nev’s house. Not a doubt in my mind, the assholes didn’t faze her. She’s a tough chick, but Raimi’s tears likely left her rattled.
As soon as Nev opens the door, I get a confirmation on her feeling squirrely. She watches me with wary eyes, blocking my entry.
“Can I come in?” I ask, moving forward so she’ll step aside.
The dogs run around my legs, sniffing before losing interest. After I walk past her, Nev shuts the door and joins me in the family room.
“Raimi said there was some trouble at the ice cream shop. Is that why she was crying?”
Nev stares at me with emotionless eyes. She can feel like a stranger when she wears her ice princess expression. Yet, I know what’s hiding underneath.
“Caesar and I had a good talk today,” I say when she remains silent.
“I can’t do this,” she mumbles, and her cool exterior breaks. “I’m ill-equipped for the emotional baggage Raimi has. I’ll make things worse. You and I can’t work.”
No denying her words kick me hard in the gut. I’d be hurting worse if she didn’t reach out to grab hold of my hand while she told me to get going.
“Your sweet lips say things are over, but you’re clinging to me like a woman drowning.”
Nev’s green eyes reveal a heart breaking. “I still want you.”
“Then have me. Doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.”
“I can’t help you with Raimi and Caesar.”
“I never asked you to.”
Nev pouts as if my logic damages her resolve. “But you come with kids. It’s a package deal.”
“You and I have been hooking up for less than a month. No one expects you to take over a mom role and raise my kids. I don’t know why you’re pushing yourself so hard.”
“Moving fast is what my family does.”
“But didn’t Brick and Avery make eyes at each other for months before they finally went on a real date?”
“Yeah,” she says, looking around for the answers while still clinging to my hand. “My brother River waited for a year before making a move on his wife. Maverick also took his time with Violet. But Max and Violet are fragile women, while you aren’t a delicate thing.”
“But my kids are,” I say, cupping her soft cheeks. “They’re still processing their mom’s death and my return. There’s no hurry to pile on with the big ideas you’ve got rolling around in your head.”
“I hate waiting for stuff I want.”
“Welp, you can have me without having them.”
“How?” she asks, sounding panicked.
“You can see them when you see me but not on your own. Today was too much pressure. We’ll stick to fun outings. Movies or bowling, nothing that dumps pressure on anyone.”
“You can wait?”
I hate seeing this sexy, strong gal tie herself up in knots over an imaginary problem.
“Nev, I’m a guy who willingly did time for other men’s crimes. Not like I signed on to that deal to gain sainthood points. I’m just a man capable of accepting the world as it is and enjoying the good without focusing too hard on the bad. That’s all I’m asking you to do right now with my kids and me.”
Nev grips my shirt and frowns, full of worry. “What if you and I have this great thing, yet I can never click with them?”
“But didn’t you like them fine before I came around? And you were relaxed at Avery’s place.”
“I didn’t feel pressure when they were a stranger’s kids, and I was nervous at Avery’s place.”
“You’re the one dumping stress on you, Nev. All you need to do is act the same way you did before.”
“What about later?”
“That’ll be then. Raimi and Caesar are grieving something fierce. My sweet parents aren’t suited to deal with sorrow and depression. That’s what the kids are suffering from, and they ought to have time to let their lives settle. Your need to prove you can be their surrogate mom isn’t helping you or them.”
Twisting her hands in my shirt, Nev struggles to let go of her panic. “What about you? You just got released, but you’re handling all this on your own.”
“If you want to let me talk things out, that’s all I really need,” I murmur while stroking her cheeks with my thumbs. “I don’t expect you to step in and handle anything.”
Nev releases her panicked grip on my shirt and exhales deeply. “There’s no way to express how I felt when Raimi was upset today. I can’t do this.”
“Sorry, but I won’t let you go.”
“For everyone’s sake, you have to,” she says, gripping my wrists now.
“I’m in love with you, Nev. No walking away from that.”
Nev goes still, hiding in her head now. She still grips my wrists and refuses to let me go despite the words she keeps saying.
“You barely know me” is all she can muster to disprove my statement.
“I’ve barely known plenty of women in my life, but I didn’t love any of them like I do you.”
Though Nev grudgingly smiles, she’s torn between her planned speech and a desperate need to hold on tight.
“This isn’t the kind of love between friends with kids, either,” I explain when she keeps struggling in her head. “I wake up needing to see you, and I feel that way all day. You’re always in my thoughts. I’ve been attracted to plenty of women, but nothing like this, Nev. So, I can’t let you go.”
“But I can’t handle your life.”
“Sure you can. You just don’t want to be inconvenienced,” I say, and she instantly frowns. “I get it. You’ve created a sweet life for yourself here, and you’ve got a lot of rules about what you like and don’t like. Pushing yourself feels like a punishment, but I’m not letting you go.”
I glance down at her fingers still wrapped around my wrists. Her gaze follows mine before returning to my face.
“I think I love you, too.”
“It’s why you’re afraid things won’t work with the kids. You need me, and they’re the dealbreaker.”
Nev deflates before me. “I never feel like a loser. Not when I failed with Yulia. Or when I tripped during my first week working at Whiskey Kirk’s and a tray full of beers meant for my dad and his friends went flying. Nothing hurts my confidence. But today with Raimi, I felt like a loser. Oh, I’m fearless when facing off with the idiot preacher. But seeing her tears zapped everything from me.”
“And that’s okay. Didn’t your parents explain how you won’t be good at everything?”
Nev gives me a grumpy pout. “Sure.”
“You’re good with me,” I say, inching closer until I’ve got her in my arms. “You need to focus on that part while I get things handled with my kids.”
Sighing, she admits, “I want more time with you, but you can’t just hang out with me all day. Soon, the club will want you doing shit for them. I have to figure out your kids.”
“No, you have to get to know them. We can do that with simple stuff. Come over for dinner. Go out to the movies with us. Nothing about dead moms.”
Nev studies my face. “Your daughter’s messed up, Sam. You know that, right?”
“Messed up how?” I ask, feeling a cold grip on my heart.
“She hasn’t processed Teigh’s death. I think she hides her grief from your parents.”
“I sense that, too.”
“She needs therapy to deal with losing her mom and the crap she heard about Teigh.”
“Caesar got his head filled with bullshit over his mom, too.”
Nev steps back and wears her ice princess expression. “I think your parents are charming,” she says and then spits out, “But they’re weak, Sam. People have been fucking with your family in subtle ways since Teigh died and with you gone. Caesar and Raimi were defenseless against those sneaky assholes.”
“You’re right.”
“I know,” she says, sounding surprised to hear me agree.
“But I’m home now.”
“Can you handle what’s happening?”
When I grin, she softens immediately. Yeah, my smile still woos the ladies.
“First, my family hid things from me when I was locked up. Then, they didn’t feel safe to share once I got out. But now, I have an idea about what’s happening. Thanks to your idea about Caesar, I know more, and I can start fixing shit.”
“That idea worked?” she asks, sounding young and uncertain again.
Wrapping her in my arms again, I murmur, “You’re a smart gal.”
Nev stops fussing and smiles. “I worry about Raimi having that doll in her backpack. It was her last gift from Teigh. If some asshole kid or a teacher finds it, the doll could be damaged. Raimi’s so fragile. I can’t imagine how bad she’ll feel if they destroy her doll.”
Right this moment, I’m certain Nev will make a great stepmom one day. She can’t help wanting to protect her people.
“I’ll talk to Raimi about it. Let her know it’s not safe with those kids.”
“Do they like school?”
“I don’t know, honestly,” I admit, sighing and running a hand through my hair. “They’ve been lying to me so much since I got locked up that I’m not sure of anything anymore.”
Nev takes my hand and moves to the couch, where we sit. “It’s my nature to hunker down and stay away from the world. I know that’s not how the Donners work, but I’ve never trusted people. Even in Ellsberg, my family was treated as weird.”
“How come?”
“Violent hippie mom and dad with lots of kids made people think we were a weird family. But we were always happy, and those negative turds frowned constantly. Fuck them for their fucking judgment.”
Grinning, I love how she holds a grudge. When someone wrongs her people, she never forgives.
“I do love you,” I say, stroking her jaw.
“I love you, too, but this need scares me. I’ve never felt my heart beat like this before,” she says and then adds softly, “I didn’t really want to end things.”
“I know.”
“I’m not used to feeling vulnerable.”
“I know,” I say softer.
“Please don’t leave me,” she blurts out, looking panicked now.
“I’m not going anywhere if I can help it.”
Nev gets hold of her emotions and sighs softly. “I’m glad you came over. I should have gone inside with Raimi.”
“You were overwhelmed. Now, we’ve hashed things out.”
“Have you had dinner yet?”
“Naw, Raimi’s tummy is filled with ice cream. Plus, Caesar and I grabbed lunch before coming home.”
“Did you have a good talk with him?”
Nodding, I think of my boy’s broken heart. “Though I don’t normally regret my choices, leaving my kids for the last few years hurt them something fierce.”
“You’ve already started making it better,” she says, consoling me.
“Think you can come over for dinner tonight? I told my parents I’d bring home something to eat. We could watch a movie before the kids go to bed. Then, you could stick around. No sneaking around.”
“What about talking to Raimi about her doll?” Nev asks, unable to let go of her worry.
“I’ll do that while I tuck her into bed. You can hang out with the birds.”
Nev considers chickening out. She rightfully got squirrely when Raimi unloaded years’ worth of confusion and pain on her. No doubt dealing with that asshole preacher didn’t put her in a good mood, either. Especially since she wasn’t allowed to pound him.
Rather than give in to her fears, though, Nev says, “I’ll pack a few things and prepare the fur-babies to survive the night without me.”
Smiling at her choice, I help her with the pets’ water and food bowls. She runs around the back with the dogs for a bit to get them settled for the evening. I don’t know how they’ll do without a piss trip outside.
“I’ll run over later and let them out,” she says after grabbing an overnight bag.
Nev might be nervous about coming over, but she doesn’t share her concerns out loud. Instead, she follows me to my parents’ house in her SUV.
“You forgot the food,” Caesar says when we enter.
“Nev suggested we order from the restaurant she manages.”
Raimi seems nervous when she sees Nev. I wonder exactly what went down between them. Caesar is more focused on the budget.
“How much can we spend?”
“Price isn’t an issue. Just pick whatever you like,” Nev explains, faking a casual tone so well I nearly believe her. “We’ll get appetizers and salad and dessert. Whatever we want. What we don’t eat can be leftovers like God intended.”
Nev and Raimi freeze, watching each other warily. Fortunately, Fred starts telling a story about when he ate his first steak.
“I was five, but I remember that day like it was yesterday.”
Caesar and I share a grin at his grandfather’s stellar memory. At lunch, we talked about how Fred remembers things from fifty years ago but forgets what happened last week. Caesar seemed relieved to be able to share his worries over his grandparents aging.