by Bijou Hunter
Tonight, he’s relaxed. We look at the menu on Nev’s phone, and he decides to order the same as me. Fred decides the boys should match. Nev immediately looks panicked at how she might need to lead the girls.
“Raimi likes chicken strips,” I say and rest my hand on my daughter’s shoulder.
“Yes, Daddy,” she mumbles. “I like everything.”
Nev again looks freaked out. That’s how our evening goes. Nev gets tense, calms down, and seems happy before silently freaking out again. Raimi acts hyper-positive through dinner. She watches me a lot during the movie until I ask her to sit closer. Then, she clings to my body, maybe afraid Nev will hog my attention.
Later, when I tuck her into bed, I ask Raimi about her doll.
“Nev told,” she mumbles, pouting.
“She worries a brat might find the doll and tear it up.”
Raimi’s eyes widen, and she starts crying. “My doll.”
“That’s why you should leave it at home,” I say, wiping her cheeks.
“But I want Mama with me.”
Her panic stumps me for a minute. I hug her until I conjure up an idea.
“How about you take a picture of your mama in your backpack? That way, you can see her smiling face when you’re worried. But we’ll keep the doll safe at home, where no one can mess with it.”
“What if the house burns down while I’m at school?” she asks, panicking again.
“Welp, squirt, if that happens, we got bigger problems than your doll.”
“I need to keep her safe,” she whimpers.
“But kids at school aren’t always nice. What if a teacher takes it away? At home, we know no one will mess with it.”
Raimi quiets down but won’t agree. I think about what might soothe my baby girl.
“Why are you scared of a fire?” I ask, wondering if she’s worried about her nana forgetting to turn off the stove.
“Or a tornado or a flood,” she adds, paranoid now. “My doll needs to stay safe.”
“I guess we could put your doll in a fireproof safe, but then you couldn’t play with it.”
“Will the safe protect my doll from a tornado?” When I nod, she squeezes my hand. “Let’s do that.”
“Okay, so you’ll take your mama’s picture tomorrow to school. After you get on the bus, I’ll go to the store and get a safe. We’ll put it in your room like a very secure dollhouse. We can put your other important stuff in there, too.”
Raimi smiles for a second before seeming sad again. “I’m sorry I cried at the ice cream shop.”
“Nev isn’t used to kids. Your tears scared her, but she wasn’t mad. And crying isn’t a bad thing. You have a right to feel sad or mad or anything you want. Feelings belong to us. No one can tell us what to do with them.”
Raimi studies me for a bit before admitting, “I get sad about Mama.”
“So do I.”
“I forget to smile sometimes.”
“You should only smile when you want to, squirt.”
“What if Pawpaw and Nana are happy?” she asks and yawns.
“That’s how they feel, but it doesn’t have to be how you feel, okay?”
“Okay, Daddy,” she says, relaxed now. “You won’t forget my safe.”
“I promise I’ll get it right after you leave.”
Smiling now, Raimi yawns again and hugs her stuffed dog. She watches me while I read her a story. By the time I finish, she’s sound asleep.
I find Caesar crashed for the night, too. My parents’ room is quiet. The birds are silent under their covered cage. Downstairs, Nev sits on my bed and checks her phone.
“I was weird tonight,” she says after I shut the door and kick off my shoes. “I usually stay out of people’s way, but I’m supposed to connect with your family.”
Stretching out next to her, I reply, “No, you’re supposed to be yourself.”
Nev smiles at my hand on her belly. “Being with you is so easy.”
“With the kids, just settle your britches and enjoy life.”
I can’t tell if my words break through her hardheaded thinking, but Nev warms up real fast once we’re naked.
Moving inside her body means more tonight. We’re beyond just having fun. I love this woman with the kind of painful yet wonderful need I never figured I’d experience.
Nev’s not the only one struggling with so many changes hitting so fast. I feel battered after today. But I’m nursing the good kind of pain. My son and daughter are getting healthier. I spent the evening with my favorite people. Yeah, it’s a real good kind of pain.
THE CRACKERJACK
My head’s been in a weird space since Sylvie’s tears and my overreaction to Raimi’s emotions. I feel like a broken person, incapable of flexibility or warmth. Is that who I’ve always been?
I recall how Violet faced her fears after suffering unimaginable trauma. Pema offered her a fresh start. Avery’s issues were far less intense, but she created new opportunities in this town. I came here to escape my inconvenient Ellsberg reminders. Now, though, I see I’ve only changed superficial things like where I live and work. The core part of me remains the same.
So, after getting the dogs handled and before meeting Sam at the store, I decide to drop by The Solar. After several days, my youngest siblings still haven’t left Pema yet.
Entering the quiet hotel, I say hello to Kiefer’s sister working the front desk. In the lounge, I find the Bliss Triad watching TV. They turn to me in unison. The bros nod together and give me a half-smile. Sylvie just pouts.
“How long will you be in Pema?” I ask them.
When they shrug, I realize they don’t plan shit out. The Triad likely came to Pema on a lark. They’ll leave when they’re bored. Cavalry doesn’t need to micromanage anything with the pot business. I don’t know what the other two do on a normal day.
“Sylvie, can we talk alone?”
My sister stands up and looks at the bros. “If she kills me, I expect you to seek vengeance in my honor.”
They nod in unison and mumble a variation of “dude-bro-brah.”
My sister follows me to the meeting room, where the Reapers once brainstormed. These days, they use the back room at Whiskey Kirk’s. Even so, this spot remains filled with chairs. I take one, and Sylvie chooses to sit right fucking next to me.
“I’m sorry I made you cry last time we were around each other,” I say, fighting my gag reflex.
Sylvie immediately asks, “How come you’re mean to me all the time?”
“You’re mean, too.”
“You started it.”
“I don’t think that’s true. You’re just too dumb to remember when you started it.”
Sylvie snarls. “You gave Cavalry advice. How come you never give me any?”
“You’ve never asked, you earthworm.”
“Listen up, boll weevil, I’m asking for some now,” she growls an inch from my face. “Will you give it to me or be a cold cunt?”
“I’ll do my best, but I struggle not to smother you in your sleep.”
“Like you could. I’d gut you like a fish.”
“I’ve seen how deeply you sleep, turd floater. No way would you wake up in time to get the upper hand.”
“Whatever,” she says, rolling her eyes.
“What do you need advice about?” I ask before adding, “Also, why can’t you ask Mom or the twins for help?”
“The twins will talk in unison like horror movie freaks. Then, they’ll rub their happiness in my face.”
“They are awful.”
“You’re worse.”
“You’re the worst,” I snap immediately.
“Whatever.”
“Why can’t you ask Mom?”
Sylvie shrugs. “She says I’m awesome, and men are just dumb.”
“True. She is blinded by her love for you.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re having man problems?”
“I liked this guy, you see?” she says, w
aving her hand around. “He claimed I was too butch or whatever.”
“Did you try brushing your hair to see if that helped?”
Sylvie narrows her eyes and mutters, “Yes.”
“Huh, well, at least you put in the effort.”
“He said I wasn’t feminine enough.”
“Does this guy have a tiny dick?”
Sylvie flashes me a dirty look. “I don’t know.”
“I bet he does. See, when men expect women to be meek, this small-dick energy comes from their deep-seated shame. To offset their own weaknesses, they require a submissive partner. That guy’s no good.”
“He was cute, though.”
“Cute isn’t a grownup way to talk about a man. Was this guy in high school or something?”
“No, I just thought he was cute, you rotten snatch.”
“Look, Sylvie, I won’t sugarcoat this. You’re awful in every way.” When her lips pout, and I sense tears coming, I add, “But you’re hot, I guess. I mean, you look like Mom and Dad, and they’re hot. So, logically, you must also be attractive.”
“People always say I look like Mom.”
“So, you have that. I guess you must be likable to some people, too. Like Denver and Cavalry enjoy your company, and they’re not losers.”
“But I am,” she mutters, still pouting.
“Yes, very much so. At least, to me. But other people might like you.”
“By people, do you mean men?”
“Are you horny? Is that why you’re so obsessed with finding a man? Because vibrators and dildos exist.”
“Dildos remind me of your face, so no,” she says, snickering at her insult and probably wishing the dude-bros could high-five her.
“Look, I can’t pretend I find anything appealing about you. However, there’ll be a man out there who likes all the crap you’re sporting. He won’t have small-dick energy, either. Strong women will turn him on. Hell, he might even find you funny. Sexy, too. Stranger shit has happened. And when that guy comes along, you won’t think he’s cute. You’ll think he’s everything, and you’ll be willing to sacrifice for him.”
“Like I do for the bros and our parents?”
“Sure. Wait, how do you sacrifice for them?”
“I don’t like gardening, but do it for Mom. When Dad talks about brewing his own beer, I just smile and nod despite him never actually brewing his own beer. Plus, I think ‘Friday the 13th’ movies are the underbelly of a man’s balls, but I watch them for the bros.”
“You’re wrong to hate gardening, and Dad might brew beer one day. Yet, I agree with your assessment of those movies. They’re garbage. But it’s good you sacrifice for those you love. That means you’ll do it for that special guy in the world who can endure you.”
Sylvie studies me with her evil eyes I see in my nightmares. “When we were little, I always asked you to play with us.”
“I liked playing on my own.”
“Because of me?”
“No, because of me. I like quiet, and the three of you were noisy. Besides, I sometimes wanted to be alone no matter who was offering to hang out with me.”
“Are you an antisocial cunt?” she mutters.
“Maybe.”
“Like Maverick?”
“Sure.”
Sylvie frowns. “I wanted you to play with me. When we were little, I wanted the Triad to be a Quad, but you always said no.”
Shrugging, I vaguely remember her asking me to join them. “I guess I did.”
“River had his Quad with that stupid Fearsome Foursome thing his friends call themselves. Two boys and two girls. I wanted that to be us.”
“Why?”
“I wanted a girl in the group. The boys with their ding dongs made me feel left out.”
“How?”
“They would pee on trees, and I couldn’t.”
Despite wanting to laugh at her complaint, I reply like Alyn would. “I can imagine that was difficult for you.”
“I also got my period, and they just didn’t get it. You know they love me and offer all the support, but I wanted a girl to share my chick feelings with.”
“You have Mom.”
“But she lies to protect me. I wanted a friend with a beaver. That should have been you.”
Ignoring how she calls it a beaver, I sigh. “I’m sorry we weren’t closer.”
“Are you really?”
“No, not right now. But maybe later, I’ll start thinking about what I missed out on. Then, I’ll be sorry.”
Sylvie deflates next to me. “Cavy is going to run to Houston for Nadine. What should I do?”
“Did he actually say he’s going?”
“No, but he thinks he loves her. Then, you encouraged him to believe in that delusion.”
“He might actually love her.”
“She doesn’t love him, though.”
“Does she really know him?” I ask, wondering about their history.
“Does it matter? Love at first sight is a thing.”
“Our parents didn’t fall in love at first sight. They saw each other on many occasions before finally fucking. Don’t you remember the beautifully detailed stories they shared with us when we were too little to escape?”
“I like Mom’s stories.”
“Yes, I know you do, kiss-ass,” I mutter, rolling my eyes.
“You like them, too.”
“Sure, but I’m not a kiss-ass about it.”
Now, Sylvie rolls her eyes. “If you were me, what would you do if Cavy left Ellsberg?”
“Let him go. If things don’t work out with her, you’ll be home for him to return to. But if he stays in Houston, you might need to choose.”
“Denver will probably go with him. I’ll be alone in Ellsberg.”
“You have Mom.”
“Yeah, and she won’t move to Houston.”
“She won’t move to Pema, either.”
Sylvie snorts. “No one wants to live in this hellhole.”
“I have a great house with an excellent yard and a pool. Plus, I met a man. Lots of good things happen in Pema.”
“Have you thanked Maverick?”
“Yes.”
“Lying cunt.”
“Are you okay?” I ask, patting her back and getting a weird frown from her for my troubles. “Cavalry will miss you so much when he’s gone. He’ll probably call you a million times.”
“I’ll have to go with him,” Sylvie says, looking ready to cry. “I don’t know how to be without the bros. Mom will have to understand.”
“I’m sure she’ll be fine. With none of us in the house, she can go naked more often.”
“Yeah, she’s always whining about wanting to go bare-assed more. No, wait, that’s Dad.”
“It’ll be fine, Sylvie,” I say, sighing deeply. “I know change is scary, and you’d rather not share Cavalry. But if Nadine is his woman, you want him to be happy. And if she’s the one for him, she’ll learn to accept your existence. The Bliss Triad is a package deal.”
“I don’t like her,” she grumbles.
“I sorta picked up on that.”
“She’s uppity and reads a lot. Fuck her big stupid brain and how she thinks she’s better because she knows stuff. I could know plenty. I choose to be ignorant.”
“Wait, Mom said you read a lot, too?”
“Yeah, but whatever. Don’t distract from my irritation at Nadine.”
“Maybe she’ll be the fourth member of your Quad.”
“I wanted you,” she mumbles, pouting again.
“I know, but I’m an antisocial cunt.”
Sylvie suddenly grins. “Yeah, you are. But you were cool, and I liked you. I mean, I hate you now. You’re clearly the worst. But like in the past or whatever, I thought you were my coolest sister.”
Her praise makes me grin. “I’ll try to tone down my antisocial cuntiness around you.”
Sylvie studies me. “Is Sam why you’re nicer now?”
“Probably. His
good-natured, easygoing thing must be rubbing off on me.”
“Because you rub against him so much, huh, slut?”
“He’s very sexy and great at fucking.”
Sylvie loses her bitchy sneer. “I want a boyfriend.”
“Date bikers back in Ellsberg. They already know you’re awful. They can focus on your good looks and pedigree.”
“I’m not a dog, twat.”
“You smell like one, shit-for-brains.”
“I don’t like bikers.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. They grow bad beards. I feel like I’m slumming it with homeless men.”
“You’re just making shit up now.”
“I don’t want to be their second choice,” she admits, nudging my boot with her bare foot. “They all clearly liked you more.”
“Because I’m older. It’s not like they had a choice between us. You were a teenager.”
“I still am.”
“Which explains a lot.”
“I don’t want my pussy all stretched out and gross when I finally find my special man.”
“And he truly will be special if he’s capable of overlooking all your flaws.”
“I didn’t call you a whore,” she whines, looking ready to attack.
“You implied it.”
“Well, you are one.”
“I’ve slept with two men.”
“That’s it?” she cries. “What an insensitive snatch! Those guys might have died from the blue balls you left them with. What if you killed half of the Reapers with your frosty cunt behavior?”
“That’s not my problem.”
“I’d probably care and put out just to make them happy.”
Frowning, I ask, “Wait, so you’re a weak-willed dummy now? When we started talking, you said a guy wanted you to be less manly, and you were like, ‘But my giant, hairy balls won’t allow me to bow.’”
“Yeah, but I feel like if I got close enough to a man, I would lose myself and become a huge loser.”
“If that ever happens, I’ll bust into your life and save you from yourself.”
“Really?” she asks, smiling like a kid.
“Sure. I might think you suck, but you’re strong like a Majors woman ought to be. If some man stole that power from you, I’d make him pay.”
Sylvie watches me with the soft gaze she saves for our mom and the bros. Okay, maybe Dad gets some of this sugary sweetness, too. But I’ve never seen her look at me this way. Honestly, I’m not a fan.