Eromenos

by Theda Black

  “I didn’t know you played.”

  Xander shrugged. “I like it a lot more than I have talent for it.”

  Seth sat on the bed, watching him. He felt numb, and it hit him how exhausted he was. “How’s Stephens?”

  Xander didn’t look up. “Not good. Hospital’s got him sedated.”

  “And you?”

  Xander shrugged. “They asked me a bunch of questions. I didn’t know what to say. I can’t tell them anything they’d believe.”

  Seth rubbed his eyes. “So you think—” he started, then sighed and shook his head. He didn’t want to ask what Xander believed.

  “What?”

  Seth shook his head again and didn’t speak. His mind wandered aimlessly, thinking about Professor Harkinson, then the roommate before him. Now Stephens. “Why not me?” His voice cracked. He cleared his throat.

  Xander looked up, startled, his face cautious. He put the guitar on the floor. “What?” He hadn’t shaved since yesterday. His hair was tousled and the skin under his eyes was swollen, tired.

  “Why aren’t I crazy?”

  “Huh. How am I supposed to answer that?” Xander’s tone was wry but he didn’t smile.

  “I mean, it just seems like everyone you get too close to is … something’s happening to them. Is it because we haven’t had sex?”

  Xander’s hand jerked, and he laid it carefully flat against the coverlet. He stared down at it as though it took all his concentration. “I didn’t have sex with Harvey, Seth. And Stephens… he started talking crazy last night after you passed out. I got scared. He sounded just like Harvey on the day he lost it. I brought you to our room and went back. He just got worse, started grabbing at me, so I left.” He paused, his voice uncertain when he spoke. “We hadn’t—we hadn’t done anything.”

  Seth’s face twisted. “Yeah. Sure.”

  “He came after me. I don’t know. I lost control or something.”

  Seth made an exasperated sound.

  “I—shit, Seth. I did. I know what it sounds like.” Xander’s gaze fixed on the bed as if he couldn’t bear to see what Seth thought.

  “I heard Stephens talking out in the hall. He said crazy shit. Like stuff you say when you dream.”

  “I know.”

  “Why would he do that?”

  “Told you before. I’m supposed to go—to go home. To him. He’s just going to keep ripping through anybody he can get to until I do what he wants.”

  “Him,” Seth repeated. He was silent a moment. “What are you going to do now?”

  “Road trip. Just some time away. Told you that, too.” Asked you to come.

  “That’s not what I meant. What are you going to do—ah, fuck it.”

  Xander finally looked at him. He gave Seth a small, unhappy smile and scratched his nose. “It doesn’t mean much, I guess, but I’m—I’m—hell, there’s no way to make this sound the way I really feel, but I’m sorry, Seth. I wish—I didn’t want to do this to either of us.”

  Seth managed a small, jerky nod.

  Xander pressed his lips together tightly, closing his eyes, then grabbed his suitcase and backpack. He looked around the room, turning back at the door. His voice was husky. “Get some sleep over the break for me, okay?”

  “Try it yourself, you might like it.” Seth's face felt like wood. The numbness spread wider, like it was trying to cover up something else. Protect it.

  The door closed behind Xander.

  Seth sank back down on the bed. He had to get up. Had to pack. Time to go home. His parents would wonder where he was if he started out late. He pulled his legs up, put an arm under the pillow and dozed off.

  Time to go home. Xander’s voice in his head, seemingly from nowhere.

  Seth opened his eyes, disoriented. He squinted at the clock. Fifteen-minute nap. He still hadn’t packed, but it wouldn’t take long. He rubbed his eyes and sat up.

  He remembered Xander’s face when he’d asked Seth to go with him. He’d known the answer before it was given, been strangely open to the rejection. Vulnerable. Like it was something he expected. Something learned. He was alone. Nobody to help.

  I lost control or something.

  He remembered thinking the same thing, that Xander had no control over himself.

  Lost control, yeah. Sure. How stupid am I? After a moment, Seth pushed it aside. It was jealousy, nothing more. Nothing helpful. He needed to think.

  Three men Xander knew had gone insane over a period of months. Presumably there was no history there. Nothing about them that would suggest they were unstable, nothing to make people think they were going crazy. And then they had.

  There was Harvey, whom Seth knew almost nothing about. There was Stephens. Babbling crazy shit out in the hall about ancient myths, calling out the names of gods and demons and begging to be fucked, for Christ’s sake. And then there was the Professor. An older man.

  Something tugged at his memory. At the library with Dave, reading ancient Greek history, and how it was common for older men to have relationships with adolescent males. Pederasty.

  Seth had seen Harkinson around campus. He figured his age at forty-something.

  Xander was no adolescent, but there was no way to know how long the thing in Xander’s dreams (Seth refused to call it a god) had been looking for him. Waiting.

  Seth rubbed a hand over his short hair and huffed out a sharp breath, annoyed. He was crazy, thinking Xander’s relationship with an older man was a kind of catalyst for what was happening. Better to face the truth than make up elaborate excuses.

  Xander didn’t want him. Seth needed to get up and out of here, get the hell home.

  He stood up and walked to the closet, pulled out his suitcase and packed.

  No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking about the expression on Xander’s face when he’d left. How, just for a moment, he’d seemed to fold in on himself, then pulled it together for a last look around the room.

  Seth stood bolt upright, all the shit he’d been thinking about and whether or not he believed it forgotten, unimportant. It meant less than nothing because what Xander had done was say goodbye.

  11

  SETH GRABBED HIS cell phone off the nightstand and fumbled it. It fell to the floor, sliding under Xander’s bed. He cursed, flopped to his stomach and pulled it out, picked it up and dialed. He flew out of the door holding the phone to his ear as he ran down the stairs. Xander didn’t answer.

  He ran out of the building into the parking lot. Most of the cars were gone. The wind had picked up, the air still with a crisp tang, more like fall than spring.

  Xander was hunkered by his old Chevelle, pulling a jack out from under it. He stood, wiping grease on his jeans. His hair whipped over his eyes, T-shirt hugging his body in the wind. He saw Seth, surprise written all over his face, and smiled. The sun warmed his hazel eyes to gold.

  Seth walked up to him, pushed Xander against the side of his car and kissed him.

  Xander made a startled sound, breathing loudly through his nose, then another, lower sound deep in his chest. He leaned against the car and pulled Seth closer, kissing him back.

  Seth finally pulled away, breathing hard, heart banging in his chest. “So, I’m thinking road trip.”

  Xander said nothing, just held onto him, breath warming the crook of Seth’s neck, then kissed him again and again, ignoring catcalls from a few departing students.

  Seth went upstairs again to finish packing, calling home while he stuffed clothes into a gym bag. To put it mildly, his parents were less than happy at the news. He really should have planned what he’d say to them before he called.

  He locked the room and headed downstairs. Xander’s car was one of only two left in front of the dorm. The Chevelle’s exterior was dark gray with a mirror finish shining in the light.

  Xander waited for him, reclining in the front seat. He jumped out and opened the trunk, tossing Seth’s gym bag inside.

  The Chevelle had plenty of legroom, w
as in fact pretty easy to stretch out in, though Seth wasn’t a fan of bucket seats. “How old is this thing?” he asked, settling in.

  “It’s a 1970.” Xander pulled out from the dorm’s parking lot and onto the road.

  Seth whistled. “I knew it was old, but shit.”

  “Yeah, it was a hunk of junk when I got hold of it a couple of years ago. Took me over a year to restore it.” Xander shrugged. “I’d save some money, fix what I could, save some more. Haven’t I told you this before?”

  “If you did, I wasn’t listening.”

  Xander gave him a look. “Doesn’t seem like you brought a lot of stuff. You got enough underwear for a week?”

  “Think I’ll be wearing it much, Mom?”

  “You think I’m gonna suck you off so much you don’t need to bother?” Xander smiled slowly. “Maybe.”

  Heat flooded Seth’s face. He swallowed.

  Xander turned onto the ramp at I-40, punching the gas. “You called home, right? Told your folks you’re not coming?”

  “Xan. Don’t mention them when you talk about sucking me off. Okay?”

  Xander grinned. “How’d they take the news?”

  Seth looked out the window, feeling his pulse slow to normal again. “I’ll make it up to them. Where are we going?”

  “Wherever. You get the concept of a road trip, right?”

  Seth looked at him.

  Xander saw he wasn’t buying it, sighed and turned the radio on. “I just—I have a feeling, all right? I have to follow it.”

  Seth eyed him, saying nothing. His eyes roamed over the dashboard, the radio. “What a dinosaur.”

  “The radio’s new. Listen.” Xander turned the volume up.

  Seth flinched as the music blared, then mouthed a word at him silently.

  Xander turned it back down. “What’s that?”

  “I called you a motherfucker.”

  “Oh. Thought we weren’t mixing moms and fuck talk.”

  “What? Did you say something?”

  Xander rolled his eyes. “Buzzkill. If it’s not blistering your ears you’re not doing it right.”

  “I’d like to keep my eardrums.” Seth wiggled a finger in his ear.

  Xander sighed. “Great. I’ve hooked up with my grandpa.”

  Seth inspected his finger, then held it out. “Is that blood?”

  “Aw, baby. I am so sorry for your widdle ears.” Xander patted Seth’s hand on the seat.

  “Eat shit and die.”

  Xander looked injured. “That is a little extreme. Necessary?”

  Seth considered. “I think so. Yes.” On impulse he rolled the window partway down. The air was fresh with an edge to it. “About where we’re going—”

  Xander hesitated. “Okay, look. I’m going home. I mean, not my home, just what he calls it. In my head. And I know it’s hard to believe and you’re not happy about it, but you have to understand that I don’t always know what I’m doing lately or how to—to stop it. You think you can handle all that?”

  “No, I’m not. You sure you can?”

  “What choice do I have?”

  “Okay, then. I’m not changing my mind, Xan.”

  “I’m gonna make you come so hard.”

  “Counting on it,” Seth said, grinning and maybe flushing a little, too.

  Xander stared out at the road, hair flying in the wind. “I want these dreams out of my head. I want control of who I am and what I’m doing.”

  “Look, Xander, I’m having a hard time buying into this whole thing, you know that, but I’m not saying you’re lying.” Seth held a palm up, trying to placate. “I know you’re not. But put yourself in my position, okay? This is some really weird shit. And if it is true, isn’t going where he wants you to go kind of like putting your head in the lion’s mouth?”

  “I know what it sounds like, Seth, but whether or not you believe me, I’m going. I think, sooner or later, he’ll be strong enough to make me come to him. When there’s not enough of me left to make a difference.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “He’s getting stronger.”

  Seth watched Xander’s profile, worried. He hesitated. “How does he get control? What happens?”

  Xander looked out at the horizon, fingers tapping restlessly against the wheel. “Started with the dreams. I wasn’t getting much sleep, just trying to get through the day, and then…suddenly he’d be in the driver’s seat. Taking me over—that’s the only way I know how to describe it. I thought I was losing my mind.” He paused. “Remember you told me I needed to see a shrink? I got desperate enough and signed up for the psych clinic before I met you. From what I could figure, the clinic’s working theory involved the loss of my parents and me being afraid of my sexuality.”

  Seth could almost hear quotation marks around the words. “Seriously?”

  Xander looked at him and rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Good times.” The smooth, low sound of the engine humming increased as the car climbed an incline. “At first I couldn’t buy this shit, that any of this was real, you know? So he pushed harder. He upped the ante, didn’t let me rest. It’s easier for him to do what he wants when I’m wiped out.”

  “How?”

  “When I’m thinking straight, watching out for him, sometimes I can feel him approach. I can push him away if I concentrate and stay strong.” His jaw tensed. “He’s been showing me what I’ll be like if I don’t give in. He shows me hurting people, like I’ll lose it completely.”

  Seth thought he should probably say something, but he didn’t know what.

  “I hate it when he takes me over. I feel everything he does, Seth. I don’t want it. Last night, I—I—”

  “I get it, okay.” Seth’s lips felt stiff, awkward around the words. He turned away, rolling his window shut and leaning his forehead against the cold glass. The trees lining the interstate were leafing out, fresh and vibrant green.

  “It’s not too late to change your mind. I know what I sound like and I wouldn’t blame you. I can take you back,” Xander said quietly.

  “No.”

  “You’re sure?”

  Seth thought about what it could mean for both of them, with Xander not in control of himself. He had no idea how they’d fight it. But at least he would be there. He could try to help. And Xander wouldn’t be alone.

  A cloud settled into a valley between two ridges ahead. Seth rolled his head against the window, looking at Xander. “I’m sure.”

  His brain flashed onto Xander’s eyes at half-mast, face flushed with pleasure in the hallway. Stephens going down on him.

  Seth’s stomach clenched. He turned his head away and closed his eyes, not even realizing when he slipped into sleep.

  12

  HE AWAKENED TWO hours later, the vibration of the car’s smooth roar humming through the seat.

  Xander looked over at him. “You up?”

  Seth yawned. “No.”

  The road before them wound upward, climbing steadily. Blue shadows rolled like smoke over the steep inclines all around them.

  Seth rubbed his eyes and sat up, squinting. “Where are we?”

  “We cut off from 441 earlier, straight on till morning.”

  Seth looked at him. “Seriously?”

  Xander smiled, a dimple carving a groove in his cheek.

  Seth looked out the window, registering where they were this time. “Shit, what are we doing here?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you realize where we are? We’re above my parents’ place. You drove through a valley, what, a half-hour ago? You should have driven right by our street. Baylor Road?”

  Xander stared at him. “No way.”

  “Yes way.”

  Xander was silent a moment. “Since we’re so close, what say I double back and drop you off?”

  “Oh my God, we already had this conversation.” Seth blinked, rubbing his dry eyes again.

  “You said it yourself—the stuff happening to me is prett
y crazy. For all you know, you’re going up into the mountains alone with some psycho.”

  “Sort of like Deliverance, yeah? With you as the gay hillbilly.”

  “Have you even seen the movie, schmuck? This ain’t a canoe trip,” Xander snapped.

  Seth grinned, hoping he’d gotten Xander off the subject. He was wrong.

  Xander’s jaw clenched. He pulled off on one of the pull-overs, shoved the car in park and switched off the engine. “Give me a reason why you’re doing this. Going with me.”

  “I thought you wanted me to. Have you changed your mind?”

  Xander looked startled. “No way. It’s just that no matter how much I’ve tried to convince myself differently, bringing you into this any further is just fucked up. You know it, and you don’t need this. So why?”

  “Shit, figure it out.” Seth didn’t look at him. “I want to, that’s all.”

  Xander leaned in close, tugged Seth’s arm until he had to look. Their breath mingled. “What if it’s a mistake? What if you get hurt?” Xander whispered.

  “It isn’t, and I won’t.” Seth brushed his lips with Xander’s.

  Xander’s mouth was warm and dry, a little rough with windburn. Seth couldn’t help himself, tracing Xander’s lips with his tongue. He felt Xander’s chest move against his, breathing in quick, and then he kissed Seth back, slow and sweet.

  Seth wrapped a hand into Xander’s hair, pulling. He didn’t want gentleness right now, didn’t need Xander’s worry. He crushed their lips together, then bit Xander’s lip.

  Xander stifled a moan, pushing closer.

  Pressed into the seat, Seth gave as good as he got, breathing when he could, mouth slipping hot and feverish on Xander’s, stomach tensing, more, more beating in his head, his pulse. But instead he let go of Xander’s hair and cupped his jaw.

  Xander broke off and leaned into it, his face soft, so damned gorgeous, longing and need written all over his flushed skin, his half-closed eyes.

  “Not alone, Xander, not without me,” Seth murmured, said it again, feeling the moment he gave in.

  Xander breathed in rough and uneven, rubbed his cheek against Seth’s, long gentle scrape of stubble and skin and heat.