by Kelli Walker
But I’m going to have to find a way to keep pushing forward. Because things between us are done with. For good. Not just for now. And I’m not going to let a girl get stuck in my head the way she has. No matter how damn tempting it might be to just lock the door and spend the day living back in the dream that pulled me out of my sleep earlier this morning.
Vanessa
I slump back against the bar, trying to catch my breath, and I curse myself for feeling so exhausted.
I don’t know what it is that has taken it out of me these last few days, but something feels as though it has just flayed all the energy from my body. I’m stuck just trying to drag my ass through the next few hours, waiting until I can get home and crash into bed once more. I hate this. I hate the way I feel, and I hate, most of all, the fact that I know just why I am feeling this way too.
It’s Lux. Ever since I closed that door with him, ever since we had decided that we couldn’t do this any longer, it feels as though the weight of it has been bearing down on top of me, refusing to let me go, forcing me to pay attention. I hate it. I hate that I miss him maybe more than anything else. I might be able to survive this if it wasn’t for the pulsing irritation of knowing that, despite everything else, I want him back in my life more than anything in the world right now.
And I can’t even talk to anyone about this. I know that if I bring it up to my family, they’re going to eat me alive for getting involved with someone like Lux. But it’s not that easy for me to just brush him off the way that I know they’d want me to. I miss him. I need him. I crave him in a way I have never craved anyone before in my life. His touch, the way he holds me, how protective he is of me. I have never had anyone act that way with me before, and sometimes, it feels as though it’s driving me crazy.
“Are you alright?” Annie, the other girl on shift with me tonight, asks me with a concerned expression on her face. I manage to nod, though I’m not sure that I believe it.
“Just tired,” I reply, and I stifle a yawn and close my eyes for a moment. I know that I am on the brink of passing out on the spot, and I am glad that I only have twenty minutes or so left on this shift before I get back.
It’s not just the nights that have been taking it out of me lately, though. I might have been able to work with just that. But when I wake up in the mornings, I’m hit with a wave of awful queasiness, and I have to lie still in my bed before I get up. It’s as though the pressure of not having Lux there beside me is weighing down on me so much that my body has no choice but to react, no matter how much I wish that it would just leave me the hell alone for a change. I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to handle this shit. I just want to forget about him and move on with my life.
But I have no idea how that can happen when I’m in the same town as him. When I know that he’s never more than a twenty-minute ride away from me. I could just call a cab and get out of here and be in his arms in moments, and it would make all of this better, it would sate the starvation that feels as though it’s driving me insane.
By the time that my shift finally comes to a close, I practically fall into the cab that I have called to pick me up and take me home. Just paying for it has already taken a big chunk out of my paycheck. I wish that I could find some way to undo that, but I have to live with the fact that Lux just isn’t going to be around to help me the way that he has before. I have to make it on my own. And I’m going to do just that.
I arrive home, and as I walk up the front path towards the door, I notice that there is a light on in my mom’s bedroom. I knock on her door and, a moment later, she opens it. She looks exhausted.
“Are you alright?” I ask her. She nods and then shakes her head.
“I can’t sleep,” she admits, and she guides me inside so that I can sit on the edge of the bed. I can’t count how many times I’ve been here over the years. When I was little, she used to let me perch there so that I could watch her do her make-up. I was always so fascinated by it. You’d have thought that it might have translated to me being actually competent at it myself as an adult, but you’d have been wrong. I could hardly put on mascara without sending it all the way over my cheeks and my eyebrows.
“Why not?” I ask her, and she sighs as she sinks into the small, slightly worn stool in front of her dressing table.
“I’m just worried about money,” she replies, and I nod. I know how she feels. There is nothing more potent to keep you up at night than trying to crunch the numbers and figure out just how much you have to spend before you run out entirely.
“I get that,” I admit, and I reach over and squeeze her hand. I wish that I could just take the weight of this for her, if only for a while. I know that she has been through so much already, trying to raise Gavin and me, and then dealing with everything that had come into our adulthood. But she doesn’t deserve to be this stressed all the time, and if I could do something useful to change that, I would. In a heartbeat.
“Gavin and I are both working now, Mom,” I remind her. “We’re both making money. We’re going to have everything sorted as soon as we can…”
“Yes, I know you will,” she agrees with a sigh. “But what about after that? This place is falling apart, that’s all I know, and we can’t keep trying to piece it back together again. And besides, I don’t want to rely on the two of you for the rest of my life. That’s just not fair.”
“I think it’s totally fair,” I reply firmly. “You took care of us for so long, and now it’s only right that we step up to take care of you.”
She smiles at me, but there is a little sadness tinged in her eyes. I wish that I could just wrap my arms around her and pull her close like she did when I was little, and I busted my knee or my elbow and made everything better again. But I know that it isn’t going to be so easy. We are adults now, with adult problems to boot, and they’re not going to be solved with a Disney Band-Aid and a kiss on the cheek.
“We’ll take care of you, Mom,” I promise her, and I mean it. “I know that Gavin is with me on this one, too. We can pull through it if we just stick together. That’s how we’ve made it through everything before this, right?”
“I’m just sad that I couldn’t give you an easier time,” she confesses. “Think of everything you’d have been able to do if you had never had to worry about this stuff...”
“Have you met the kids who don’t have to worry about this stuff?” I exclaimed. “They’re all insufferably smug. I can’t believe that you’d actually want that for me.”
She laughs, and though her voice is still a little shaky, I can tell that she is relieved to hear me say it out loud. It’s the least I can do for her, especially after everything that she has done to support me. I want to make sure that she knows that. That she knows that Gavin and I are going to be here for her, no matter what. Maybe I’m putting words in his mouth, but I’m sure…
“Hey, what are we all doing in here?” His voice comes from the doorway, and my mom looks up.
“I’m just being silly,” she replies.
“Worried about money,” I reply. Gavin plants himself down on the other side of her – he is still wincing when he has to put weight on his bad leg, I notice, but he is trying to pretend that he doesn’t even notice the pain.
“Well, good thing we’re both here to take care of you,” he points out. “Otherwise, you might actually have something to worry about, right?”
“Right,” she replies, and Gavin squeezes her in a hug.
“I’m going to make some tea,” I tell them both. “You want a mug?”
“That sounds great,” Mom replies with a nod, and I head through to the kitchen. And, suddenly, I feel a lump in my throat. I’m not sure where it came from, but I feel emotional all of a sudden, as though something is bearing down on top of me. I know that I need to put it away, but there is a rush of emotion that I can’t control, and I have to pause for a moment to lean on the counter before I started making the tea.
I don’t know why I feel thi
s way all of a sudden, but I want to cry, and it takes everything that I have in me not to give in to that urge and just let the tears start to fall. Maybe it’s having the whole family together again after we’ve been apart for so long. Maybe it’s knowing that it’s not going to last so long before Gavin has to go back to his real work across the world and away from us.
Or maybe it’s feeling like there is someone missing from all of this. Someone I don’t want to forget so easily. Perhaps it is because I know that Lux should be here with us, but that I have messed things up with him beyond repair, and there’s nothing that I can do to put it right. We are over. Whatever we had, it’s behind us now. And there’s no point arguing against that. The truth is out there, evident for us both to see; we should never have let things start, but now that they had, it is only right that they end even faster.
“Are you alright?” Gavin asks, as he comes into the kitchen and sees me leaning against the counter, probably looking as though I have been picked off by a sniper rifle as I stand there. I nod.
“It’s just late,” I reply, knowing that he doesn’t like to deal with emotion, relying on that to get me out of this conversation soon. He nods.
“How about that tea then, huh?” he suggests, and he brushes me out of the way so that he can make us all a cup. And I am glad to have him there with me right now because I’m not sure that I would be able to find a way to navigate the mess of feelings that are happening inside of me at that moment. My brother feels like something solid to hang on to.
Even if he happens to be the very reason that I had to end things with the man I am quite sure that I am in love with.
Lux
I toss and turn in my bed, trying to get some sleep, and eventually resign myself to the fact that it’s not going to happen anytime soon.
I peel myself up from the damp sheets and curse the heat of the summer night that is closing in around me. I feel like I could just melt into the covers, vanish out of existence, just like that, but the heat of this place is enough to keep me up all night long.
This is what I get for living in a small, sweltering town like this one. And having too much on my mind to let me sleep at the best of times.
It’s nights like this that make me wish that I had someone by my side to keep me company through all of this. To be able to reach over to the other side of the bed, feel another body there next to me would be a gift right now. I want someone to talk to, someone to share this night with, someone who I can commiserate about the heat with and find some way to distract myself with...
But I am alone. I am alone, just like I’ve been alone the last few weeks, just like I am destined to be for the rest of my life, it feels like.
Ever since I broke things off with Vanessa, I’ve been feeling pretty fucking grim about ever finding someone who makes me feel the same way that she does. That aliveness, I miss that. I can’t stop remembering how good it felt to have her close to me like that, to feel the warmth of her body next to mine. I miss her. No, that isn’t a strong enough word for everything that I feel right now. It is more than missing her. It feels as though I am burning up with the lack of her, and I don’t know what it’s going to take to find some way to navigate through that.
I climb out of bed, go to the window, and see the brightness of the moon above the town in front of me. I know that I should crawl back into bed and try to get some rest, even if I couldn’t get any sleep, but right now, I just want to get out of here. To forget myself. And, short of drinking myself into a stupor, there’s only one way I can think of that’s going to work.
I grab my running clothes and throw them on, trying not to let my head race too far ahead of me. At least I have been spared the dreams of her tonight. That’s something close to a blessing, I’m sure of it. After trying to forget her for so long, I would close my eyes every single evening and find myself sleeping next to her again. Reaching over to her in my sleep and trying to hold her close to me. I know that I can’t keep living like this. I have to find a way to get her out of my head.
I am sure time is the only real answer, but it’s not a response that exactly makes me very happy. I don’t want to rely on time. I want to be able to reach into my head and scrub it all fresh and clean and empty. For so long, when I was in the forces, I felt as though I had total control of everything that was going on in both my body and my mind. That was why I loved it so much, and that is why I still miss it, even now. I wish I could find that discipline in myself once again, that ability to brush off anything that comes into my head as the useless afterthought that it is.
I hit the streets, enjoying the silence of the sidewalks as I go for a jog around the quiet town. There is something peaceful about it. Even though my mind is still racing, still full of everything that I am trying to shake loose about the woman who I can’t seem to get out of my head.
I find myself turning down the street towards her place before I even know what I am doing. Before I can stop myself, I am outside her house. I have traced back the road that I used to take when I picked her up from work when the two of us would steal that time together. I miss that. I miss that more than I care to admit. Even though it was just a few minutes every night, it was the best part of my day. Seeing the smile on her face when she saw me waiting for her, seeing the way her eyes lit up as she climbed into my truck, as though she knew that this meant her day was all over with at last...
I push myself past the dark house. If she sees me out here, she’s going to think that I’m some sort of crazy stalker, and that’s the last thing I need right now. Even if she is going around and around my head, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to go around and around her house, does it?
I know that she is safe. I am sure that Gavin would have said something to me if something had happened to change that. But that’s not enough for me. I want to be the one keeping her safe. I am the only one that I trust to protect her. Not even her brother comes as close as I do.
But maybe that is just me overthinking it. Vanessa is perfectly capable of taking care of herself—that's what she would tell me, anyway, I’m sure of it. I’m not going to get over her any sooner by letting her get stuck in my brain like this, like the fragment of a song on a loop, over and over again until it feels like it’s all I can think about.
I carry on down the street and turn the corner on to the main square; I’m glad that it is empty. I don’t much feel like explaining to anyone why I am out running in the middle of the night. I doubt they would believe me, anyway. The story is so messy at this point, anyone would have a hard time keeping up with it.
But in my head, it feels crystal-clear. Because there is only one thing that stands out to me: the love I feel for the woman I know that I should have long-since moved on from. The love that I wish I could forget. But the love that won’t let me go. No matter how hard I try.
I turn down another quiet street and head back towards my house. I can’t be out here. It isn’t working, anyway. I’m not forgetting anything; I’m just being starkly reminded of everything that I wish I could leave behind.
Vanessa
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Annie asks me as she watches me stumble a little as I carry the giant stack of beers back up to the bar. I nod, managing to dump them down on the counter before my legs give out from under me.
“I’m fine,” I reply, breathing heavily, and I pause for a moment to catch my breath. My back hurts. When the hell did my back start hurting? I feel like I’m way too young for that, and yet, the pulsing pain of it is impossible to ignore.
“If you’re sure,” she replies, but she is eyeing me with some obvious concern. “Hey, take your break, why don’t you? It looks like you could do with some time off your feet.”
“Yeah, I probably could,” I agree, and I hurry to the staffroom and pull the door shut behind me before she changes her mind. I sink into one of the slightly beat-up chairs in our break room and let out a long sigh.
I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I
have been hit with a semi. It’s not just today. No, it’s been the last few days now, and it’s not going away. If anything, it’s only getting worse, more intense, and I feel like I am losing my mind. I need to get some rest, but I can’t take time off this job, or else they might find someone else to do it. And I need it more than ever now.
I can’t stand the thought of my mom lying awake at night, worrying about money, and I have made a pact with myself that I’m going to do everything I can to put a stop to it. I don’t want her worrying. I know that Gavin and I, between us, can put this right. It’s going to take a lot of work, for sure, but we can make it happen. We’re going to get the house looking perfect again, and, as soon as we do, I can take a break from this job and get myself settled somewhere that feels a little saner.
My family still doesn’t know I’m working here, and that’s the way I want to keep it. I know that they would intervene if they thought for an instant that I was putting myself in danger coming out here every single night. Not that I have come up against anything too serious, just a little heavy flirtation from the guys on the other side of the bar, but I know that could change. Especially now that I don’t have Lux picking me up every single night. Especially now that a few of the regulars here have noticed that the man who claimed to be my boyfriend hasn’t been around as much as he used to be.
“Trouble in paradise, huh, sweetie?” one of the guys asked me one evening a few nights ago. I tried to ignore the question, not wanting to confirm anything that would make me more vulnerable to their attempts to pick me up.