by Kelli Walker
“Lux?” I ask him as I get closer. “Are you okay? You look...”
“You ready to go?” he asks, skipping out on the usual flirtation that he shares with me as soon as he sees me stepping through the door and into the parking lot. I nod.
“Yeah, I’m ready,” I reply, and I feel myself begin to tense up. And it’s not the good kind of tension, not the kind that promises me that there is something really fun around the corner. It’s the bad kind. And I know that something has happened to change everything between us.
I climb into his truck, and he sits there for a moment before he pulls away. I want to just straight-up ask him what’s on his mind, but instead, I bite my lip and hold it back. Because I know that when I hear it, I’m not going to like it, and I don’t want to have this conversation with him right now. Why can’t we just talk and flirt and joke with each other the way we always do? I wish that I could conjure up some of that connection, that playful flirtation that makes everything feel a little easier.
“You want to get a drink or something?” I suggest, and he shakes his head.
“I think I should just take you home,” he replies, and he starts up the engine and pulls away from the bar. I have to fight the urge to pout. I want him to talk to me. I want him to make me feel like he wants me again. I don’t know how I’m going to do that right now, but I know there must be some trick I can pull out of the bag.
“Hey, I can’t stop thinking about the weekend,” I tell him, biting my lip and offering him a big smile. “When we kissed out there in the garden...”
“We could have been caught,” he cuts me off bluntly, and I frown at him.
“Yeah, but that’s what makes it exciting, right?” I ask him. “Knowing that we could be caught, knowing that someone could walk in on us at any second...”
He tightens his grip on the wheel for a moment, and I know that my words are having the desired effect on him. God, that feeling, that dizzying feel of power, it’s everything that I need right now. I had no idea before all of this started that it could make me feel the way that it does. That I have the capacity to feel so alive, to feel so wanted, to feel like I have all the power in the world at my fingertips. I can almost feel it crackling off me, bursting to life, filling the space around us. I smile. I know that I am getting him just where I want him.
“Yeah, I know that,” he replies. “But we can’t do it again.”
“Okay, so we play it a little more subtle,” I reply, trying not to let it throw me. “We don’t have to let anyone catch us…”
“"No, we can’t do it at all,” he tells me, and I fall silent, too shocked to come out with anything useful to say in return.
“What are you talking about?” I demand. I feel like I have just had a bucket of cold water poured over my head. I must have misheard him. Maybe he just means these lifts home or something…
“Your brother figured that something was happening between us,” he explains, and my stomach drops. For a second, I feel like I am going to throw up.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “Did he talk to you, or something...?”
“He came into my office today,” he explains. “Told me that he had seen the way that I was looking at you when I was at the house and made it pretty fucking clear that he didn’t want me anywhere near you.”
“Yeah, well, he doesn’t get to make that call,” I protest. “It’s my body, my choice, right? I know he’s protective, but there’s not like there’s anything he can actually do to stop us…”
“I’m not going to be the one who puts a wedge right in the middle of your family,” Lux cuts me off as he drives, his eyes fixed on the road ahead of him as though he is pretending that he isn’t even having this conversation with me.
“You really think he’s going to stay that mad about all of this?” I demand, shaking my head. “He’s all talk. You know that. You’ve known him practically longer than I have, you know that he’s not going to follow through on any of this. What’s he going to do? Lock me in my room and throw away the key?”
“I don’t want to find out,” he shoots back at me, and I cross my arms angrily over my chest. I can’t believe this. Just when things were going so well. I thought that he was going to pick me up from work and take me straight back to his place so we could spend the rest of the evening fooling around. Instead, he’s talking like he never wants to be in a room alone with me again.
“I can’t believe you’re listening to him,” I mutter, a sour taste in my mouth. “He doesn’t get a say over any of this. You need to stop…”
“We need to stop,” he tells me, and I know that he’s not interested in listening to me for another moment. I cross my arms over my chest and lean back in the seat. I feel a little carsick. Or maybe just regular sick.
“Why?”
“I already told you that,” he shoots back, and there is an edge of exasperation to his voice, a reminder that, in all of this, he is still my brother’s best friend. He still takes Gavin’s side over everything, and I still have to find a way to deal with that. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he has gotten under my skin, but I don’t see how I can pretend otherwise. I want him, and he knows that. I am sure that he wants me.
“Then, is that just it?” I ask, throwing my hands up in the air. “Is that the end of it? I can’t believe that you’re actually going to listen to him over me. You need to…”
“I don’t need to do anything,” he replies, his voice low and stern. It’s sharp enough that it catches me off-guard, and I slow down in my tracks.
“So, you’re just going to cut me out of your life?” I demand. “Like that? Like there was nothing between us in the first place?”
He falls silent, and my eyes widen.
“There was something between us, right?” I ask him, my voice suddenly getting so small that I could barely hear it. “You...you felt something, didn’t you?”
“Whether I did or not, it doesn’t matter,” he replies. “It’s over now.”
“Of course it matters,” I tell him, and I feel the sharp stab of fear in my guts as I realize what he is saying to me. I hate this. God, I hate this so fucking much that it makes my head spin. Is he really going to sit there and act like there was never anything real between us?
He arrives at the end of the street, the same place that he has dropped me off for all the time that we have been doing this. I cross my arms over my chest, feeling a little sick as I try to wrap my head around what this means.
“So, you’re done with me,” I ask him bluntly. “Just like that?”
“It’s not just like that, it’s for the good of both of us,” he assures me. I don’t believe that, not for an instant. How can anything that’s good for both of us feel so fucking horrible right now? My skin crawls, and I want to scream at the top of my lungs. But all that would do is draw attention to the fact that I am here with him right now, and I know that all he wants is to pretend that there was never anything here in the first place.
“Fine,” I reply, finally. I’m not going to sit here and beg him. Even though I can feel the tears pricking the insides of my eyelids, I have better things to do than sit around on my ass and hope that he changes his mind. I’m a better person than that. I always have been. I’m worth more than just hoping for the best, and I’m not going to forget that, not for an instant.
“I don’t want to keep you,” I snap, and I open the car door and climb out, slamming it hard enough behind me that I’m pretty sure I hear the windows shake in the door. I don’t turn around to look at him again.
I listen to the engine running for a few more moments as he sits and watches to make sure that I am getting back into my house alright. It's the same thing he’s done every single time he’s driven me home, and I know that this is the last time he’s ever going to do this. Something about that is the most challenging part; not that it is over, but that it is still happening right now, even as I try to force myself to keep walking back to my house.
I need to turn around and look at him one more time, but I fight the urge. I don’t want him to know that I care. I don’t want him to know just how much this has hurt me. He already has enough power in this situation, and I don’t want to hand him a single ounce more of it.
I make it back to my house, and slip through the front door quietly, not wanting to disturb my mom. I don’t see Gavin’s car in the driveway, so I know that he’s not home yet. And I am glad because if I had to look him in the eye right now, I don’t know that I would be able to hold myself together.
I am so angry at him it feels like I might burst. How can he act like he has any right over anything that I do with my body?
But I know that there is more to do with something other than my body. It’s my heart, too. Because all those little times that I got to steal with Lux, all the moments that we had together, all the seconds when I could look him in his eyes and know that he was mine, they were the best parts. It wasn’t just about the sex for me, though I know that has been a part of it.
Nope, I can say, without a doubt, that I have feelings for my brother’s best friend. And, now that he’s called things off, I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get over them.
I sink down on to the edge of my mind and stare off into the blank, dark space in front of me. What the fuck do I do now? I have no idea. But I think that, first and foremost, I need to get some sleep. This will all look better in the morning.
Or at least, it fucking better.
Lux
I can feel her on top of me, the weight of her body against mine, and, even though I know that it can’t be, I don’t want to let go of her.
“Lux,” she moans softly in my ear, and it is so vivid that I forget the nagging doubt at the back of my mind that something is off. I circle my hands around her waist and pull her in close, kissing her softly, tasting the familiar flavor of her lips.
Rolling on top of her, I run my hands down her beautiful, naked form, feeling her softness underneath me. She wants me. I slip my hand between her legs and dip my fingers against her pussy, just like I did the very first time that we were together, and she gasps and closes her eyes, tipping her head back. Planting my mouth against her throat, I can smell her perfume as I push my fingers inside of her. She feels amazing. Better than she has any right to. There is some memory at the back of my mind, something telling me that there is something wrong with this picture, but I don’t much care to pay attention to it. All that matters to me is that I have her, and nothing is going to change that.
“Fuck me, Lux,” she breathes to me, and the sound of my name on her lips is enough to make my cock stir to hardness. I want to be inside her right now. She slides her hand down between my legs and traces her fingers, for a brief moment, over my cock, feeling me as I swell in her hand. I kiss her again, harder this time, my tongue hungry as I speak my need for her into her mouth.
She spreads her legs and pulls me down on top of her, her feet tangling with mine as she parts her lips and gasps. I push myself inside of her in one swift motion and watch as her body tenses for the briefest moment, then releases again as she accepts the feeling of me filling her. I smile and wrap my arms around her, pulling her up and against me, feeling her needy wetness around me as I take her in long, hard strokes. How could I have forgotten how good this feels? Her body is made for mine, made to fit against mine, that’s why she has only given it to me...
And that, of course, is when I wake with a start. Alone. In bed. And with Vanessa as far from me as she had been the day before when I’d woken up in the exact same predicament.
I reach over to the other side of the bed and hope that I can manifest her there beside me by sheer force of will, but it stays empty. I sigh and peel myself upright. No point lying around, wishing for something that I know can’t happen. I need to get on with my day. And hope that the memories of her don’t continue to haunt me the way they have ever since I broke things off.
I go for a shower and try my best not to think about the dream that had just filled my head. I don’t want to give her that space inside of me, even though I know that shaking her from my head is going to be nigh-on impossible. I always want what I can’t have, and, right now, she is the prime example of that. The perfect woman who is being kept away from me because of her brother. Because of the man I used to call my best friend before he stole from me the only thing that I’ve ever truly wanted.
I know that I’m being dramatic, but it’s hard to be anything but when all that I need right now is Vanessa. We haven’t seen each other in a week, and it feels like a lifetime since I last laid eyes on her. I know that I need to let go of whatever it was that we had, but if I could just detach from the way I felt for her like that, I wouldn’t be choosing to cling to the little pieces of her that I can remember.
That dream has been plaguing me all week long, and I don’t know what to do with it. I know that moving on from her is going to be difficult, especially when I feel like I have reminders of her everywhere I go. This town is small, and it’s only going to be so long before I run into her again. And when I do—and when I do, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep my shit together, when all I want to do is pull her into my arms and tell her that I take it all back.
I’ve been going through the motions the last few days, but it’s been enough to keep my head on my shoulders. I haven’t said a word to Gavin about what actually happened between us, and I don’t intend to say a thing. He can believe what he wants, but I know it’s better for both Vanessa and me if we keep our mouths shut. She hasn’t said anything, either. I am sure of that because I know that Gavin would have torn me a new asshole if he had known the truth.
What bothers me the most is the fact that I’m not there to pick her up when she’s finished her shifts any longer. I know that the chances of something actually happening to her are slim. Still, if something does go down and I’m not there to stop it…well, I'm never going to be able to forgive myself. She deserves someone to look out for her. And with her hiding so much from her brother and her family, I don’t see how anyone can.
I grab a coffee and head down to the bar, where Gavin is doing a little maintenance work as I asked him to the night before. I guess there’s some part of me that’s punishing him for making me break things off with Vanessa, even if I don’t want to come out and admit it myself. I’m pissed that he has made me end things with the only woman that I’ve had feelings for in a long time. And I’m pissed at myself that I thought for a second that I could make things work with Vanessa when I know that he’s always going to jump to protect her from anyone he doesn’t like the look of. Which just so happens to include all men, and me especially so.
“Morning, boss,” Gavin calls to me, with a big-ass smile on his face. He is smoking outside the bar, a dirty little habit that he always picks up when he is back from service.
“Morning,” I reply, and I manage to smile back at him. I don’t want this to come in between our friendship. After all, he is about the only connection that I have to Vanessa any longer, and I am not going to blow that if I have the chance.
“You alright?” he asks me. “You’re looking pretty tired. Something keeping you up?”
“No, I’m fine,” I reply. I don’t want him to know the truth. I don’t want him to know that the memory of his sister is the thing that’s been keeping me awake. The last thing I need right now is for him to get a handle on what happened. I have already broken things off. I have already done the hardest part. I don’t want to get blowback on the easy parts now.
I head straight through to my office before he can ask me any more questions, and I close the door tight behind me. As soon as it is shut, I let out a long breath. None of this would have happened if I had just found Vanessa a job somewhere else. When she turned up at my door, looking for a place to work, I should have told her thanks, but no thanks.
But my fucking stupid libido hadn’t allowed for that. No, I wanted to get my hands all over her, and I hired he
r because the thought of someone else getting to spend all their nights with her was just too much for me to take. I tried to control the way she dressed, tried to keep her in a place that I wasn’t going to be tempted by, but it was impossible. It still is impossible. She could be on the other side of the fucking country, and I know that I am still going to feel that deep, burning desire for her the way I always have. Because I need her. I need Vanessa.
And I can’t have her. If I don’t find a way to fix that soon, I know that I am going to go goddamn crazy.
I put my head in my hands and close my eyes. I can handle this. I have handled so much worse over the last few years, that’s for sure.
But somehow, this feels like the toughest because it’s a choice that I have made to do this. I decided that I had to break things off with her. When my father died, it was out of my control, but this feels very much within it. And I still have to do the adult thing. I have to accept that things are never going to be easy between us. I have to come to terms with that, and I have to do the right thing for both of us. No matter how much it kills me. No matter how much I wish I could just turn back time and tell Gavin that I have fallen for his sister, and nothing that he can do is going to change that.
But I missed that chance, and I just have to live with it. Vanessa is probably still fuming at me for listening to him. However, I’m not fucking up her family like that, not just for the sake of something as fleeting as feelings. Hell, maybe if I did come clean with Gavin, the illicit thrill of sneaking around behind their backs would have been gone, and the two of us would have lost interest in each other anyway.
Maybe. Or maybe it would have given me the chance to be honest about the way that I feel about her. About the feelings that I can’t seem to shake off. About the first woman who has really gotten under my skin in longer than I would care to admit.
Shit. She’s in my head again. I thought that the dream would be the hardest thing that I had to deal with today, but clearly, it is going to be tougher than that to just forget about everything that happened. Especially when the memory of her behind that bar, wearing that cut-off top and those short-shorts and those cowboy boots, is still so fresh in my brain.