The Best Thing You Can Steal

by Simon R. Green

  ‘You know your objective, and you know where it is. What is holding you back, Mr Sable?’

  ‘My plan is dependent on very careful timing,’ I said quietly, refusing to be intimidated. ‘So that my crew can take advantage of certain in-built weaknesses in Hammer’s security systems.’

  ‘Ah, yes,’ said Judi. ‘Your crew …’

  ‘You’ll understand if I don’t mention any names,’ I said smoothly. ‘I was only able to acquire their very special abilities by guaranteeing their anonymity.’

  ‘And yet you brought this young lady with you,’ said Judi.

  ‘I can look after myself,’ said Agatha.

  ‘I’m sure you can, my dear,’ said Judi. ‘You have that look. What special gift do you bring to this criminal enterprise?’

  Agatha smiled brightly. ‘I distract people.’

  ‘Of course you do,’ said Judi.

  ‘You hired me because of my reputation,’ I said, bringing her attention back to me. ‘My plans work, and I get things done.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Judi. ‘But let security be your watchword, Mr Sable, when you go up against my ex-husband. He has spies everywhere. Even here, in my house, among my own people … I pay my people extremely well, but it’s never enough. Money can buy security, but not loyalty.’

  ‘He’ll also know that you’re the one who’s taken possession of his precious time television,’ I said.

  ‘I want him to know! That’s the point! Oh, you needn’t worry; I won’t breathe a word to anyone about how I got it. Because not knowing how he lost his favourite toy will do even more to drive him crazy!’

  ‘Do you know why the television means so much to him?’ I said.

  ‘I don’t know and I don’t care!’ Judi lost her poise for the first time, gripping the armrests of her throne so tightly her knuckles whitened. ‘All that matters is that I will have it, and he won’t.’ She quickly regained control and settled herself more comfortably on her throne. ‘I am an old woman now, Mr Sable. All I have left to warm my withered heart is the banked fires of revenge.’

  ‘If you really want to hurt him,’ I said carefully, ‘we could always take an incendiary device into the vault with us and destroy his entire collection.’

  Judi looked at me as though I was a barbarian. ‘We are talking about unique, priceless items! That will one day be mine again. Your theft of the time television is only the beginning. I shall use that to prove to Fredric that there is nothing he has that I can’t take from him.’

  I looked at her thoughtfully. ‘You’re going to fund more heists, to steal more of his treasures?’

  ‘Once you and your crew have established that it is possible to get past that man’s defences, plunder his most secure vault – and get away with it. That will be all the proof people need that he can’t protect his collection any longer. And then I shall have my choice of all the very best thieves to send against my dear ex-husband.’

  ‘But what’s to stop Hammer from sending his people here, to take it all back again?’ said Agatha.

  Judi smiled. ‘Let him try. I have protections he has never even dreamed of.’

  I just nodded. She wasn’t interested in anyone else’s opinion.

  Judi sat up a little straighter in her throne. ‘You must pardon me if I seem a little overwrought when it comes to my ex-husband. Even though he hasn’t been a part of my life for years, Fredric is still the only man who can make my heart beat faster.’

  ‘And you’ll pardon me, I hope, if I ask you to confirm the payment details for the time television,’ I said.

  ‘Of course, Mr Sable. I haven’t forgotten. Five million pounds, in cash, as requested.’

  ‘One million for each of us,’ I said, smiling at Agatha. She looked at me sharply but said nothing.

  ‘Ah,’ said Judi, smiling archly. ‘From which I deduce there are three more people in your crew.’

  ‘Your mathematics is impeccable,’ I said.

  ‘The money is already here,’ said Judi, quite casually. ‘Ready to be handed over, once the television has been delivered. And I shall expect to see the device demonstrated, to make sure it can do everything it’s supposed to.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ I said.

  ‘Which part of history would you want to watch?’ said Agatha.

  Judi looked a little taken aback, as though the thought had honestly never occurred to her.

  ‘Perhaps I’ll look into the future,’ she said slowly. ‘So I can watch Fredric die – alone, poor and broken. Or perhaps I’ll look into the past, back to when Fredric and I were first married. And I was so happy, for a while.’

  She rose from her throne and came down to join us, disdaining my offer of a helping hand. She limped stiffly across the room, leaving Agatha and me to follow on behind. I made sure we both maintained a respectful distance. I’d already spotted a number of hidden security cameras in the room. I was pretty sure that if either Agatha or I got too close to Judi, the doors would fly open and a small army of guards would come rushing in to slam us to the floor and sit on our heads.

  Judi picked up a framed photo from an antique side table and stared at it for a long moment before showing it to me and Agatha. The image was of a much younger Judi and Fredric, smiling together. They looked to be in their twenties, arms wrapped around each other and very much in love. Two young and happy people, who had no idea of what the future held in store for them.

  ‘I’m told he looks exactly the same these days,’ said Judi. ‘Thanks to his immortality drug. Not like me … But then he always was afraid of getting old.’

  ‘The drug is real?’ said Agatha. ‘That’s an actual thing?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Judi. ‘He drank it all, right in front of me – just to make it clear he wasn’t going to let me have any. His last act of contempt before he walked out on me. Not for another woman – I think I could have understood that – but just because his precious things meant more to him than I ever could. Bastard.’

  ‘So the drug really did make him immortal?’ I said.

  Judi shrugged and put the photo down again. ‘It made him young … The Santa Clara Formulation came very highly recommended, with all kinds of provenances and guarantees from people who should have been in a position to know … But the only way to be sure is to keep watching him and see if he dies. And, of course, he is still entirely killable. Which is why he’s always surrounded by his own private army.’

  ‘But if he’s so careful never to expose himself to danger,’ Agatha said carefully, ‘how can you hope to watch his death on the television?’

  Judi smiled slowly. A very unpleasant smile. ‘I have plans. Very special plans. I’ve spent a lot of time and money putting them in place. But then he’s worth it. The only man who ever meant anything to me, who hurt me more than anyone else … So when I finally bring him down, I need him to hurt, too. That’s why I never tried to have him killed. There isn’t enough mercy left in me to allow him a quick death. First, I’ll take away his collection, piece by piece. Then I’ll take everything else he cares for. And finally, when he’s just a poor broken thing … I might just let him go on like that. Living for ever, knowing I beat him.’

  Her gaze turned inward as she savoured the thought. And then she seemed to realize she was revealing rather more of herself than she’d intended. She turned her back on the photo and stalked painfully back across the room to resume her place of pride on her throne. I could see how much that took out of her, but I knew better than to offer to help. She took her time settling herself and then smiled coldly down at Agatha and me, from perhaps the only place she still truly felt at home. A woman who had taken charge of her own private world. Agatha and I took up our positions before her again, and when Judi addressed us, her voice and manner were entirely businesslike.

  ‘Understand me, Mr Sable. If you or any member of your crew are captured during your raid on Hammer’s vault, don’t look to me for a rescue or a ransom. If you reveal my involvement, I will deny
everything. I’m not ready to fight an open war with Fredric. Not yet. Now … I think we’ve said everything that needs saying. I don’t want to see or hear from you again until you’re ready to deliver the time television. Go.’

  I bowed politely, and after a moment Agatha did, too. We turned and headed quickly for the doors, although I did wonder whether we should be backing away, as one does with royalty. If only to make sure she didn’t try to stab us in the back, just because she could. I did glance back, once, to see Judi sitting slumped on her throne, looking very old and very tired. Perhaps lost in thought of better times. The doors opened as Agatha and I approached them, and the two armed guards were waiting to escort us back through the house. Before we were allowed to leave, we had to pass through the electronic scanners again. The operators took their time, giving us a good look over.

  ‘Is this necessary?’ I said.

  ‘Just checking to make sure something small and expensive didn’t happen to jump into one of your pockets,’ said the older guard.

  ‘Please,’ I said. ‘We are professionals.’

  ‘We know,’ said the other guard. ‘That’s why we’re doing this.’

  Once again, they kept us covered with their guns from the back seat of my car, as I drove down the long gravel drive. The gates remained very firmly closed as we approached them, and I felt a faint flutter of unease as I wondered whether Judi had been quite as persuaded by my performance as I’d thought. But when I stopped before the gates, the guards just got out of the car and the gates swung back, and I had the car moving before they were fully open. Once we were safely through and out, I put my foot down hard and let Judi Rifkin’s private world recede into the distance behind us. Agatha let out a long sigh of relief, pulled off her wig and scratched vigorously at her buzzcut.

  ‘So that’s Judi Rifkin,’ said Annie. ‘Surprisingly rational, I thought, for such a complete headcase.’

  ‘And still very dangerous,’ I said. ‘She’s buried a lot of people who thought they could put one over on her. Some of them were only napping. When it comes to planning revenge on her ex-husband, that woman is still sharp as a tack.’

  ‘I see a problem ahead,’ said Annie.

  ‘Really?’ I said. ‘I see a whole bunch of problems. Which one did you have in mind?’

  ‘You promised Lex the immortality drug,’ said Annie. ‘As payment for his taking part in the heist. But Judi seemed very convinced every last bit of it is gone. The Damned doesn’t strike me as someone it would be safe to disappoint.’

  ‘Just because Hammer drank some of the drug doesn’t necessarily mean he drank all of it,’ I said.

  ‘But what if he did?’

  I shrugged. ‘There’s bound to be something else in Hammer’s vault the Damned will settle for.’

  ‘You’d better be right about that,’ said Annie. ‘So, where do we go now?’

  ‘Hammer’s private auction starts in a couple of hours,’ I said. ‘I thought we might go somewhere nice for a spot of lunch.’

  ‘Work first, lunch later,’ said Annie. ‘I need to go back to my place, so I can change into someone else. Agatha just wouldn’t fit in at a top-rank auction house.’

  ‘She did well back there,’ I said. ‘In fact, Judi seemed quite taken with her. I never heard her open up like that before.’

  ‘I think Agatha and Judi would have a lot in common,’ said Annie. ‘Two women, both betrayed by their men.’

  And she had nothing more to say all the way back into London.

  NINE

  Buyer Beware

  And Watch Your Back

  When Annie insisted she needed to change into someone more comfortable, I knew better than to argue. She always did find it easier to deal with a different situation by adopting a different persona. I parked the car on a double yellow line outside her tower block and escorted her into the lobby. There was still no one around, and it still smelled like the death of civilization.

  ‘Where is everyone?’ I said.

  ‘Minding their own business,’ said Annie. ‘Be grateful.’

  Back in her flat, she made me wait in the kitchen while she threw off her old identity and put together a new one, which only went to show just how long it had been since we were close. I killed some time by investigating the contents of her cupboards. You can learn a lot about people from their cupboards. The food was cheap and generic, but I didn’t see any booze, which I decided to take as a positive sign. There was rather more dust and grime than I was comfortable seeing. People who don’t care about the state of their surroundings have often stopped caring about themselves.

  When Annie finally called me back in, she was wearing a low-cut dress in bright clashing colours, a flat dark wig, large round spectacles and far too much makeup. Plastic bangles clattered noisily at her wrists. She struck a pose and smiled at me sweetly.

  ‘Hi, there! Call me Trixie. Just a sweet little bundle of no importance to anyone, whose outfit is always going to be more memorable than she is.’

  I just nodded. I had to wonder if all these changes were Annie’s way of hiding her real self from the world. So the world couldn’t get to her and hurt her again. I also wondered if she felt the need to do this so often because I’d let her down so badly the last time we worked together.

  Good thing I was around now to put things right. By endangering her life again.

  ‘Let us away, to Hammer’s auction,’ I said brightly. ‘And see how much trouble we can get into.’

  ‘You haven’t changed a bit,’ said Trixie.

  Someone had stolen the car by the time we came out, so we took the Tube across London, finally ending up outside a very well-known building in a very well-known area. The kind of place where you see more limousines than cars, and everyone knows your credit rating. Trixie pulled down her spectacles to study the situation and then raised a painted eyebrow at me.

  ‘Isn’t this …?’

  ‘Well,’ I said, ‘yes and no. Yes, in that the building before us is normally home to the best-known auction house in London – but not today. Hammer has hired every last bit of it, because anything less would be beneath him. This very private auction will be held behind locked doors, and attendance is very definitely by invitation only.’

  ‘And you have one,’ said Trixie.

  ‘Of course,’ I said.

  I produced it with a flourish: a heavy pasteboard card with elegant engraving and a built-in hologram to identify the owner.

  ‘Let me guess,’ said Trixie. ‘You stole it.’

  ‘Hardly,’ I said. ‘I couldn’t risk the original owner reporting its loss to the auction staff. No, I bought this from Old Harry. Or at least I swapped it, for a child’s doll from Old Salem that could speak in tongues. And yes, I did steal that.’

  ‘All right,’ said Trixie. ‘How did Harry get his hands on an invitation to such an exclusive occasion?’

  ‘It’s never wise to ask Harry such questions,’ I said carefully. ‘He’ll either lie or tell the truth, and I’m never sure which of the two I find the most disturbing. All that matters is that no one will challenge our right to be here.’

  ‘What about Lex and Johnny and the Ghost?’ said Trixie. ‘How are they going to get in?’

  I smiled. ‘They have their ways.’

  There were no guards on duty at the main door, just a single security camera peering down in judgement. Trixie and I marched up to the door as though we had every right to be there, and I held up my invitation so the camera could get a good look at it. There was only the slightest of pauses, and then the door swung open and we sauntered in.

  A long empty hall led to another locked door and another security camera. I did the business with the card again, and we were finally allowed access to a massive open hall, packed with the rich and the powerful, the bright and the glamorous, wandering happily through the exhibits set out on display and chattering cheerfully. There were so many well-known faces that looking around felt like leafing through the pages of He
llo magazine.

  It seemed as much a social occasion as the preamble to a very private auction. Important people, out and about, so they could be seen being out and about. Uniformed waiters drifted through the crowd, offering drinks to familiar names from politics, industry and showbusiness, and other even less reputable trades. I availed myself of two flutes of champagne from a waiter passing by and handed one to Trixie. She looked down her nose at me.

  ‘You know I don’t drink when I’m in character.’

  ‘Think of it as protective camouflage,’ I said. ‘Not drinking would stand out in a gathering like this. So, when in Rome …’

  ‘Don’t mention the decline and fall,’ said Trixie. She took the merest sip, to show willing, and peered at the assembled throng over her spectacles. ‘Do you see anyone else here from our side of the fence?’

  ‘I wouldn’t expect to,’ I said. ‘Even the most experienced grifter would have more sense than to try their luck against Fredric Hammer’s security.’

  ‘Then what makes you think we’ll do any better?’

  ‘We’re gifted. And very highly motivated.’

  Trixie just nodded. ‘I have to say, I don’t think much of the security so far. We weren’t even body-scanned on the way in.’

  ‘They scanned the card,’ I said. ‘Anything more would have been an insult to people like these.’

  ‘You think Hammer cares about upsetting people?’

  ‘Even the mighty Fredric Hammer has to acknowledge the social niceties,’ I explained patiently, ‘if he wants to attract the right kind of people to his auction.’

  ‘You mean the high and mighty, who can afford the kind of things he’s offering?’

  ‘Not just that. Remember, this is all about Hammer impressing other collectors. He wants the right sort of people here so they can spread the word about what they saw, so all the other collectors will hear and be killingly jealous.’

  ‘Who exactly are we supposed to be, if anybody asks?’ said Trixie.

  ‘We are international figures of mystery,’ I said grandly. ‘Let everyone wonder and beware. Shall we circulate?’