The Best Thing You Can Steal

by Simon R. Green

  The Ghost sighed loudly, which was just a bit disconcerting, coming from someone who didn’t need to breathe.

  ‘All right, I’ll walk through the door and take a quick look.’ He started forward and then stopped again, looking closely at the door. ‘Unless this has been specially booby-trapped to do nasty things to ghosts when they try to get in. That’s what I’d do if I were Hammer.’

  ‘You weren’t bothered by the poltergeist attack dogs, but you’re worried about a door?’ said Annie.

  ‘Welcome to my world,’ said the Ghost.

  ‘Get in there,’ I said. ‘Or I’ll reverse the polarity of your ectoplasm.’

  ‘Bully.’

  He walked through the steel door and disappeared. There was a pause and then he stuck his head back out, like an unpleasant hunting trophy.

  ‘The coast is clear. Come on in.’

  He pulled his head back. I opened the door with my skeleton key, and – just like that – we were all safely inside the fortress of the most dangerous man in the world.

  TWELVE

  In the Lair of the Beast

  Expect the Unexpected

  The hallway was completely empty, just as it was supposed to be. It was all bare walls and stark fluorescent lighting, with no fittings or furnishings, or even a hint of comfort. More like the entrance to a barracks than a museum. Lex started to say something, and I got right in his face to hush him.

  ‘Now we’re inside, we can be heard,’ I said quietly but firmly. ‘So keep your voice down.’

  Lex looked as if he was going to say something anyway, but Annie beat him to it.

  ‘How can Hammer bear to live in a place like this? I was expecting something more … luxurious.’

  ‘He lives here because this is where his collection is,’ I said. ‘I don’t think he cares about anything else.’

  ‘Oh, that’s sad,’ said the Ghost, just a bit unexpectedly. ‘What good does it do to own the whole world if you’ve lost your appreciation for it?’

  ‘Was that a quote?’ said Lex.

  ‘Very nearly,’ said Johnny.

  ‘Can’t we all just agree the man is a monster and move on?’ said Annie. ‘I really don’t like standing around here.’

  ‘Is your gift still working?’ I said. ‘Are the interior security systems thoroughly charmed?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Annie. ‘Otherwise, it would be all bells and sirens and flashing lights, and men with big guns come to say hello.’ She paused, her head cocked slightly to one side. ‘I can hear some of the systems chattering away in the background. They keep asking if there’s anything more they can do for me. There’s a reason I like machines more than people.’

  ‘Weird,’ said Johnny, shaking his head sadly.

  Annie glared at him coldly. ‘You really are pushing it.’

  He beamed at her. ‘I am, aren’t I?’

  ‘This is where I say goodbye,’ Lex said abruptly.

  We all turned to look at him. He was staring off down the empty hallway, and more than ever his face looked as though it had been carved out of stone, harsh and uncompromising.

  ‘You can’t just go rushing off,’ I said. ‘We have to follow the plan as it’s laid down in the book if we’re to avoid being noticed.’

  ‘I don’t care about the heist,’ said Lex. ‘I never did. I’m going to find Fredric Hammer and kill him.’

  ‘You can’t,’ I said bluntly. ‘The moment anyone sees you, we’re all in danger. And anyway, what makes you think you could get to Hammer, past all the guards he has here?’

  Lex smiled slowly, and it was a cold bitter thing. ‘When I’m in my armour, it will take more than men with guns to stop me.’

  ‘Depends on the kind of ammunition they’re using,’ I said. ‘You of all people should know there’s a bullet for everything. But it’s far more likely that they’d just throw people at you, to slow you down, while Hammer made his escape. Doesn’t that sound like something he’d do?’

  ‘And besides,’ said Johnny, ‘you wouldn’t just go off and abandon me, Lex, would you?’

  Lex sighed slowly. ‘You don’t care about anything but the heist,’ he said, not looking at anyone in particular.

  ‘I told you at the start,’ I said. ‘Our only real chance for revenge on Hammer is to hurt him, not kill him.’

  Lex nodded, reluctantly. ‘You ask me to do the hardest things …’

  ‘Only because I know you can deliver,’ I said. ‘And don’t forget the Santa Clara Formulation, down in Hammer’s vault. An immortality drug is the one thing that might free you from Hell’s grasp.’

  Lex almost smiled a real smile. ‘Get thee behind me, Gideon.’

  ‘Nice to see that sanity and common sense are back in the saddle,’ said Annie. ‘The heist is back on! How do we do this, Gideon?’

  I took out a list I’d made, carefully copied from the original Sable’s book. All the surreptitious moves that would hide us from everyone as we passed through the museum. While I refreshed my memory, Annie moved in close and murmured in my ear.

  ‘Judi Rifkin seemed very sure there isn’t any of the immortality drug left. What are you going to do when Lex finds out you’ve conned him?’

  ‘I have decided not to think about that for the moment,’ I said, just as quietly. ‘Not when I have so many other worrying things to obsess over.’

  ‘I don’t like this place,’ said the Ghost.

  ‘Of course you don’t,’ said Lex. ‘Hammer lives here.’

  ‘No,’ said the Ghost. ‘That’s not it. It feels like there’s something strange, lurking in the background … Not dead and not alive, but it knows we’re here.’

  We all looked at him, and then the rest of the crew looked at me.

  ‘There isn’t anything like that mentioned in the book,’ I said carefully. ‘What do you think it might be, Ghost?’

  ‘I have no idea.’ The Ghost sounded as though that worried him. ‘I’ve never felt anything like it before. And I’ve been around.’

  ‘Well, whatever it is, it’ll just have to wait,’ I said. ‘We’ve used up all the time the book allowed for us to be here. We have to get moving.’

  ‘We were allowed time here?’ said Annie.

  ‘Why else do you think I let you stand around talking?’ I said. ‘Sable saw us here, on the television screen. But he also saw a guard heading this way, so we have to go and be somewhere else. Right now.’

  ‘He knew we’d be carrying out this heist, and not him?’ said Lex.

  ‘Try not to think about it too much,’ I said. ‘It’ll only make your head hurt.’

  ‘What did Sable say happens after we get into the vault?’ said Annie.

  ‘If he knew, he didn’t write it down. Now let’s go find the vault before Hammer decides to have a garage sale just to spite us.’

  I led my crew through the museum as quickly as I could, slipping quietly from one empty corridor to another, popping in and out of empty rooms and lurking behind closed doors as guards passed by. At least, I heard their voices and their footsteps; I never saw any of them because I always timed it just right. Even so, there were occasions when we only made it to a safe haven by the skin of our teeth. At one point, we all ended up crammed together in a pokey little office, as two guards held a bored conversation on the other side of the door. They finally moved on, but I made the crew wait until I’d heard their footsteps disappear into the distance.

  ‘This is really undignified,’ said Lex to the back of my neck.

  ‘Do you want dignity or revenge?’ I said. Not looking back at him, because there wasn’t enough room to turn round.

  ‘Both,’ said Lex in his coldest voice.

  ‘Well, that’s just greedy,’ said the Ghost.

  He was hovering right in the middle of us, overlapped by everyone but trying hard to be a good sport about it.

  ‘This is all such fun!’ said Johnny. ‘It’s been ages since I played Sardines. Of course, back then the other side didn’t
get to kill you if they found you. Mostly.’

  I let them out of the room and got them moving again. Several corridors later, we ended up in a room full of art. I checked my watch and told the crew they had time for a little look round, while we waited for the way ahead to clear. All four walls were covered in paintings, everything from oversized portraits to delicate miniatures. Annie moved quickly from one piece to the next, full of enthusiasm and even a little awe.

  ‘This is one hell of a collection!’ she said breathlessly. ‘I mean, it’s all important work, by famous names, but nothing here has ever appeared in an official catalogue, never mind a proper museum. Hammer has been hoarding masterpieces in private, just so he could gloat over them, all by himself.’

  ‘Of course he has,’ I said. ‘That’s what he does.’

  ‘Take a look at this,’ said Johnny. ‘The Mona Lisa – naked.’

  So, of course, we all had to go and take a look. Annie sniffed loudly, in a Men! kind of way, but she couldn’t stay away either. It really was the Mona Lisa, just as we knew her – same pose, same enigmatic smile, but not a stitch of clothing to be seen anywhere.

  ‘Must have been a private commission,’ said Lex.

  ‘This can’t be a real da Vinci!’ said Annie.

  ‘Oh, yes, it is,’ said the Ghost. ‘I know his style, right down to the brushstrokes. I should do; I’ve copied it often enough.’

  ‘He wouldn’t have lowered himself,’ said Annie.

  ‘He would, for the right price,’ said the Ghost. ‘They all had to please their patrons first, in those days, and the real money has always been in the dodgy stuff.’

  ‘Men!’ said Annie. ‘And I use the term loosely.’

  She turned her back on the nude and moved away to take a close look at the miniatures. I went quickly after her.

  ‘You keep your hands to yourself,’ I said sternly. ‘All it would take is for someone to come in here after we’re gone and notice something is missing, and they’d raise the alarm. If you want to pick up a few souvenirs of your time here, wait till we hit the vault. Where there’s bound to be a much better selection.’

  ‘You’re always so practical, Gideon,’ said Annie.

  ‘One of us has to be.’

  ‘How much longer do we have to wait in here?’ growled Lex.

  I checked my watch. ‘Time’s almost up. All we have to do now is nip down the corridor to the room at the end and then look for a hidden door, with steps leading down to the vault.’

  ‘Where do we look for this door?’ said Lex.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I told you: it’s hidden. But Sable says it’s there, so it must be.’

  Annie frowned. ‘Why couldn’t he see it on the television?’

  ‘It must be very well hidden,’ I said.

  Johnny smiled mischievously at the Ghost. ‘Why don’t you just float down through the building and find it for us?’

  ‘Not a good idea,’ I said quickly. ‘Who knows what kind of specialized sensors Hammer will have put in place, the closer we get to the vault. We do this by the book.’

  ‘Boring,’ said Johnny.

  ‘Practical,’ said Lex.

  ‘Same thing,’ said Johnny.

  I eased the door open, checked the coast was clear and rushed everyone down the next corridor and into the end room. Which turned out to be full of antique clocks and precious timepieces. It seemed Hammer had a fondness for themed rooms. Unfortunately, the hidden door remained stubbornly elusive. After we’d all spent some time searching for it, and got nowhere, I took my list out and checked it again, just in case I’d missed something.

  Johnny went into ecstatics over a candle with the hours marked on it, which had once belonged to the Venerable Bede.

  ‘This is history!’ he said happily.

  ‘What about this?’ said Lex. ‘A gold pocket watch that belonged to Jack the Ripper.’

  We all stopped what we were doing and went to take a look. The watch had been neatly laid out on a black velvet cushion. It looked perfectly ordinary.

  ‘The Ripper?’ I said. ‘Really?’

  ‘That’s what it says on the card,’ said Lex.

  ‘I suppose even infamous serial killers feel the need to be on time,’ said Johnny.

  ‘Does the card say who he was?’ said Annie.

  ‘No,’ said Lex.

  ‘Is that a spot of dried blood on the chain?’ said the Ghost.

  Johnny’s attention had already been distracted by a nearby Rolex with strange markings on its face.

  ‘I’ve seen one of these before!’ he said excitedly. ‘This is what Time Agents use when they travel back and forth through history.’

  ‘You have got to be kidding,’ said Annie, moving quickly over to stare at it.

  ‘I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe,’ Johnny said loftily. ‘Some of them I don’t even believe myself and I was there when they happened. Or at least I might have been – it’s so hard to be sure.’

  Before I could stop her, Annie picked up the Rolex and had its back off. The watch was empty.

  ‘Just as well,’ Johnny said wisely. ‘Can you imagine how dangerous Hammer would be if he had control over Time?’

  ‘Who are these Time Agents?’ said Annie, putting the Rolex back where she’d found it.

  ‘No one knows,’ said Johnny. ‘No one has ever survived meeting them.’

  ‘Then how does anyone know they exist?’ I said reasonably.

  Johnny scowled at me. ‘Don’t you have a hidden door to look for?’

  We searched the room again, very thoroughly, even tapping the walls and checking the floor for a trapdoor.

  ‘Hey!’ Annie said suddenly. ‘Why don’t you use your compass, Gideon?’

  ‘Ah …’ I said.

  ‘You’d forgotten all about it, hadn’t you?’ said Annie.

  ‘I’ve had a lot on my mind,’ I said, with as much dignity as I could muster.

  ‘Give me strength …’ Lex muttered. Johnny laughed at me soundlessly, and the Ghost kindly pretended to be interested in something else.

  The compass needle pointed unerringly at an oversized Grandfather clock. It had been built to look like a coffin, with a gap in the lid to show the clock face. I pulled back the lid, and there was the hidden door. I opened it with my skeleton key and surprised a security guard having a crafty cigarette break. He was already going for the gun at his side when Annie pushed past me and struck her best Marilyn pose. She smiled sweetly at the guard, and he just stood there and stared at her. While he was busy doing that, Lex snatched up a steel-bound alarm clock and threw it at him. The heavy object bounced off the guard’s forehead and he took no further interest in the proceedings.

  Lex helped me drag the guard into a corner, out of the way. By the time he woke up, we would be long gone. And the only one of us he’d be able to describe would be Marilyn Monroe. I smiled at Annie.

  ‘All right, I was wrong.’

  She smiled back at me. ‘This whole journey was worth it, just to hear you say that.’

  The door in the clock gave access to a set of bare stone steps, heading down into darkness, with not even a hint of light at the bottom.

  ‘This is it, people,’ I said. ‘Next stop: Hammer’s treasure vault.’

  ‘It’s about time,’ said Johnny.

  The steps dropped away into darkness for ages, but automatic lights constantly turned themselves on and off, so that we were always moving in a pool of light. The steps finally ended before a massive steel slab, with no obvious lock or handle.

  ‘We’re here,’ I said. ‘Everything we ever dreamed of stealing is on the other side of this door.’

  ‘Looks very solid, doesn’t it?’ said Johnny.

  I nodded to the Ghost. ‘Do your party trick again. Walk through that door and make sure the time television is still there.’

  The Ghost looked suspiciously at the door. ‘I’ve got that bad feeling again – only worse. The not-dead-and-not-alive thin
g is waiting for us, inside the vault.’

  ‘If that’s the strangest thing Hammer has in his collection, I’ll be surprised,’ I said. ‘Come on, Ghost; we have to get in there.’

  ‘Yes, we do,’ the Ghost said unhappily. ‘We need to know what this thing is.’

  He strode through the steel door and disappeared.

  ‘I didn’t think he’d agree that easily,’ I said. ‘I had a whole bunch of good arguments lined up to convince him, and he never gave me a chance to use any of them.’

  ‘He’s selfish like that,’ said Johnny.

  There was a worryingly long pause, and then the Ghost walked back through the steel door, shaking his head.

  ‘You are not going to believe what Hammer’s got in there …’

  ‘Is it a treasure house?’ said Annie.

  ‘All of that and more,’ said the Ghost.

  ‘Did you see the television?’ I said.

  ‘I couldn’t see it anywhere,’ said the Ghost. ‘The vault is packed with amazing things, but none of them have been properly set out or displayed. They’ve just been … dumped in piles, or left to fend for themselves. There are only a few passageways left open for us to walk through.’

  ‘That’s all we’ll need,’ I said.

  I got out my skeleton key, pointed it at the steel door and turned it slowly, and the massive steel door made loud clunking noises as heavy interior bolts drew back. The door swung smoothly open before us, and I led the way in, with the others crowding my heels.

  The Ghost was right. Treasures and wonders beyond counting had been stacked high in tottering piles, or left to stand alone if they were too big, all under a harsh unflattering light that seemed to come from everywhere at once. I got my compass out again and followed its pointing needle into a narrow passageway.

  ‘Does anyone else think we should be leaving a thread behind us?’ said Annie.

  ‘Maybe he’s got a minotaur in here,’ said the Ghost.

  ‘That’s just bullshit,’ said Lex.

  ‘Where?’ said Johnny.

  Tottering piles loomed over us as we made our way deeper into the labyrinth. Expensive and intriguing items had been packed tightly together to make the walls of the maze we walked through – unprotected and uncared for, like a cupboard full of junk you can’t quite bring yourself to throw away. Sometimes the passageway became so narrow we had to turn sideways to keep going.