Fiend of the Seven Sewers

by Steven Butler

  I WAS THE DEADLING! I clenched my bottom and felt my knees start to shake.

  In the darkness of the canoe ride I’d been secretly praying that Grogbah was lying as usual. He NEVER tells the truth about anything. But everything he’d said was real! I’d actually been brought all this way just to be scrumpled by his murderous mother!

  ‘Skudderous revenge doesn’t have to be entirely awful,’ Grub continued with a sweet smile as he spotted the fear on my face. ‘Shall we?’

  With that, the little goblin turned and beckoned us to follow. I tried to struggle against Officer Flott’s trap-lace but it was pretty clear that wasn’t going to do any good.

  Grumpwhistle placed a hefty hand on my shoulder then turned to Grogbah. The grizzling ghost was now sitting on a barrel, sulking and sighing.

  ‘Are you coming, Your Princeliness?’

  ‘No!’ Grogbah stropped with a grimace. He scooted around on his bottom, facing away from us. ‘This should be my welcoming party! Tell Moomsie I’m staying here and I’m not moving until I get my own parade to the palace!’

  ‘Suit yourself,’ Grumpwhistle muttered. ‘Let’s be off.’

  He turned back round, nodded to Grub and I was led away from the docks towards my fate.

  ‘TAKE HIM TO THE PALACE!’

  ‘To your left you’ll see the Great Gradibashi Opera House,’ Grub indicated, as curious goblins ran along on both sides of the pavement to get a better look at the human child being paraded through the streets, ‘And that’s the monument to King Halitosis the Third over on your right.’

  ‘Boring,’ Lickspittle moaned to herself, thinking no one would hear.

  I don’t know what I expected Gradibash to be like – well, actually I do, and it was nothing like this. The city was built centuries ago in the deepest sewers, so I thought it would be more like Granny Regurgita’s hometown.

  Granny took me there to visit once and it was a right muckdump, let me tell you. Even she said so!

  The town of Underneath where Granny Regurgita was born and raised was all rickety huts and putrid alleyways filled with troll-bandits and fighty-types, but not here – not even close.

  With every turn we made on the wide thoroughfares we passed vast music-halls, and art galleries and noisy casinos. We marched along Snootle Boulevard and Prawk Prong Street, then turned right onto Hungdunkem Avenue. There were entire arcades of fancy-looking fashion stores, where goblins were coming and going with armfuls of expensive shopping bags, wearing the craziest clothes and swankiest hats I’d ever seen.

  ‘And round this bend is the Just-About-In-The-Middle Bridge,’ Grub announced as we turned a corner under one of the giant glowing mushrooms. They were just like street lamps in Gradibash. ‘Across the water, on the other bank of the Great Cistern Lake, you’ll see…’

  A gurgly cocktail of fear and amazement rushed through me for the squillionth time that night as I beheld Queen Latrina’s palace.

  The building was so grand it made The Nothing To See Here Hotel look like Mr Croakum’s garden shed! I gawped in wonder as I realised that every bit of it – every wall and roof and door and buttress, and all the other parts I didn’t know the names of – was made from COLOURED GLASS!

  It was incredible. The entire palace was like one gargantuan stained-glass window and it was more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen.

  ‘Isn’t it dazzly?’ Grub asked with a sigh.

  I nodded, but I wasn’t exactly feeling in the right mood for sightseeing, and as we made our way across the bridge, I could only repeat the same words to myself again and again in my head:

  ‘Grogbah’s mum lives in there, Frankie Banister, and she’s going to squish you!’

  THE COURT OF QUEEN LATRINA

  ‘I’m afraid this is as far as we’re allowed to go,’ said Grub as we reached the gargantuan green-glass doors of the palace, covered from top to bottom in intricate swirls of goblin runes.

  ‘What?’ I asked. ‘Why’s that?’ So far, Grub was the only friendly Barrow Goblin I’d met and I suddenly wished he could stay with me.

  ‘Because, to the queen, we’re scumlies and street-rottlers. Us poor pluglets who live outside the palace are forbidden from ever entering.’ Grub sighed and gave a nervous smile. ‘She says we give her the squitlies.’

  ‘Quite right,’ Flott butted in, then shrugged and pulled on a bell handle mounted to the purple-glass wall. ‘Better to be safe than squitly. That’s what my grandpops used to say.’

  ‘Very wise,’ Lickspittle joined in.

  There was a loud DONG from somewhere inside, and in no time at all, I could make out the shapes of goblin-servants running about on the other side of the glass. They pressed their faces against it, peering out at us. And when they saw that the captain’s latest prisoner had arrived, the towering green doors glided silently open.

  ‘I hope you enjoyed the tour,’ Grub said, giving a little bow. ‘And I hope you don’t get too… umm… dead.’

  ‘Follow me, Banister boy,’ Captain Grumpwhistle grunted as he strode inside. It was obvious he’d been to the palace loads of times before, and Lickspittle, Flott and I had trouble keeping up as we crossed an ornate entrance hall with lines of goblins standing all the way along the walls.

  ‘Are those servants?’ I whispered to Lickspittle.

  ‘Yep,’ she whispered back, enjoying the excursion. ‘Posher than a poutypooper’s purse.’

  I couldn’t believe it when I saw the rows of handmaidens, attendants, footgoblins and guards, all wearing the finest silks and pearls and neck-ruffs. These were Queen Latrina’s waiting-staff and they were dressed in even better fashion than the goblins I saw shopping in the city!

  ‘I like this next room, I do,’ Flott announced to us both, with a wicked glint in his eye. ‘It’s proper good.’

  ‘What’s in there?’ I asked.

  ‘Just you wait.’ Flott nodded as the next set of doors swung open and we passed into a long corridor of blue glass that was lined with painting, after painting, after painting.

  Every golden frame was filled with the miserable portrait of a grim-looking goblin nobleman, with their names engraved below in loopy writing.

  Lord Putrus of the frump forests… Admiral Mungit Storm-strider… Duke Dinglethwait VIII… Baron Umpus Oglington-Smulch…

  ‘Who are these gonkers?’ I whispered. Something about the paintings’ unhappy expressions filled me with dread. ‘They all look so grizzly.’

  ‘This is the Hallway of Husbands,’ Lickspittle giggled. ‘Bleuurgh!’

  ‘The queen has this many husbands?’ I gasped.

  ‘Had,’ Flott replied. ‘The queen HAD this many husbands. They don’t last long around here.’

  Oh, blunkers! She’s even worse than I already thought!

  We reached the end of the hallway, where Captain Grumpwhistle was waiting impatiently for us before another door – turquoise this time.

  ‘Now, boy,’ he growled, leaning so close I could smell his sour breath and feel his twizzly moustache tickling my nose. ‘There’ll be no funny business or tomfoobling on my watch. Is that clear?’

  I nodded silently, trying to ignore the pain in my ribs. It felt like something was actually poking me repeatedly, but I didn’t have time to think about it now.

  ‘No snizling! No running! No rudey-roaring! You’re about to meet the Ruler of the Dark and Dooky Deep, and I’ll be a mumple’s munkle if I let you be disrespectabus on my watch. GOT IT?’

  I nodded again, giving serious thought to collapsing on the shimmering floor and playing dead.

  ‘Righty, then.’ Grumpwhistle suddenly beamed with a false grin, then spun on his heels and flung the doors behind him wide open. ‘In we go!’

  I couldn’t see round the captain’s melon-head and wide, sloping shoulders, but there was an audible gasp from inside the next chamber and the sound of enthusiastic chattering.

  ‘Hold your hooters!’ Grumpwhistle yelled into the room. ‘I present my new prisoner!’<
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  Cries of alarm rang out, and I could hear high-pitched yelping as Grumpwhistle marched ahead with Flott and Lickspittle pulling me along behind them.

  As we passed under the high archway, I caught sight of the owners of the wailing voices. I was being led down the centre of a huge open courtyard, crammed full of courtiers who looked more like Drooltide decorations than stumpy magical creatures, and they were all holding their noses.

  ‘Ugh! It’s common and disgusterous!’ A nearby goblin-maiden retched. ‘IT STINKS!’

  ‘Make it go away!’ screamed an old goblin lord in a wheelchair, with a beard so long it trailed along the floor and tangled in the wheel-spokes. ‘It looks angry! Does it bite?’

  ‘Where are its warts?!’ a particularly knobbly goblin lady with a face like a dropped omelette yowled. I couldn’t help but scowl back at her as she waggled her stump of a finger at me. ‘It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!’

  ‘Calm yourself, lords, ladies, and lumplies! Fear not!’ the captain called over the assembly. He flourished his cape and puffed out his round chest. ‘As you can see, my elite officers have this mad-eyed murderling under control.’

  Lickspittle grinned and waved at everyone in the room, dropped her end of the golden rope, then quickly fumbled to pick it up again.

  Captain Grumpwhistle rolled his eyes and shook his head for the tiniest of seconds. ‘As I was saying,’ he growled through gritted teeth, ‘you are quite safe from this vicious beast while I’m here to protect you.’

  ‘Bring it before the queen!’ a jester in a jangly hat cried. ‘She’ll want to know it’s arrived!’

  ‘Yes!’ the courtiers joined in. ‘Alert the queen! She’ll deal with it perfectly!’

  ‘EXCUSE ME!’ a piggy-nosed goblin in gold silk gasped. ‘I’m the royal advisor! I think I’ll decide when we alert the queen!’

  ‘Very well,’ Grumpwhistle said, folding his arms and tapping a foot. ‘You decide…’

  The royal advisor paused for a moment, until…

  ‘ALERT THE QUEEN!’ he shouted before gesturing dramatically to the far end of the open plaza. The crowd hurriedly parted and I braced myself to see Grogbah’s grotesque mother for the first time. I turned with my eyes slightly closed in case the sight was truly dreadful, but…

  Oh…

  The far end of the courtyard, where I guessed the queen should be, was completely empty. There wasn’t even a throne! The only sign that something should be there was a raised stage with three little steps leading up to it and an ornately embroidered curtain hanging behind it, concealing some other part of the palace.

  ‘Where is she?’ I said out loud. The lumpish goblin woman heard me and cackled.

  ‘Errgh! It’s brainless too!’ she balked. ‘Doesn’t it know the queen never enters a room without a jazzly fanfare?’

  ‘It’s noggin-bonked!’ yelled another. ‘They probably don’t even have brains where it comes from!’

  ‘Or fanfares!’ laughed Omelette Face.

  As if on cue, a quartet of goblin musicians struck up a regal blast of music and I watched as the curtain behind the stage parted.

  Now, this is one of those moments when I have to promise you I’m telling the truth…

  From behind the peacock-coloured drapes stalked a monstrous crocodile! HONESTLY!!!!

  HERE SHE IS!

  The creature was ten times bigger than I was, brandishing teeth as fearsome as any nifflehog or Madagascan muskrumple, and plate-sized scales of every colour from green to brown to black. The colossal reptile prowled out onto the raised platform as all the goblins (including Grumpwhistle, Flott and Lickspittle) bowed and curtsied.

  ‘Your Greatness!’

  ‘Long live Her Majesty!’

  ‘We are your humble servants!’

  I didn’t know whether to faint or laugh or scream! All this time whingy-whiney Grogbah had been the son of… a crocodile!

  ‘Welcome!’ howled the royal advisor. ‘Queen Latrina!’

  Just then, as the terrifying animal lugged more of its terrible torso onto the stage, I caught sight of something I would never have guessed at, even if you gave me ten billion tries and tons of clues. It looked like I might have got slightly carried away, thinking the queen was a big spiny monster.

  As the creature clomped into the courtyard, a squat golden throne appeared, strapped to the crocodile’s back and round its belly, as if it was wearing a rucksack. The tiny chair emerged from behind the curtain and sitting in it was what I can only describe as a crazy-eyed pumpkin in a party frock.

  ‘Steady there, Doris!’ the little goblin commanded, blinking through enormous riding goggles. She had a set of reins clutched in her stubby hands that stretched out to a metal ring in the crocodile’s nostrils. ‘Whoa, girl! Left a bit!’

  The gathering of courtiers bowed and curtsied even lower.

  ‘How’s that for an entrance, you great big bunch of skuzzlers?’ the queen guffawed at the room of goblins. ‘Make way, peasants!’

  There was another long moment of excited chattering as we all beheld Latrina, Queen of Gradibash.

  I had to muster every bit of strength I could not to laugh. As scared as I was, Latrina looked like something you’d see in a demented toyshop. She couldn’t have been much taller than my knee when she was standing on the ground and her silver dress was so floofed with layers, it looked like she should be attached to the end of a very expensive mop! Also… I could see where Prince Grogbah got his looks from. They certainly ran in the family.

  ‘Where are my snacklies and tasty treats?’ Latrina hollered as a team of goblin servants busied themselves with trays of delicate cakes and tarts. ‘Strike up the band! Shower me with gifts! Someone fetch my croco-steps!’

  Pandemonium broke loose as the queen yanked on the crocodile’s reins again and the spiny creature thudded round in a full circle, swatting the quartet of musicians halfway across the floor with its tail.

  ‘Reversing!’ Latrina screamed. ‘Reversing! No! This way, Doris!’

  The confused crocodile started clomping around in the other direction and one of the poor servants was batted straight over the nearest wall, tray of treats and all.

  ‘You’re not listening, Doris. I’m in charge! I’M IN CHARGE!’ Latrina threw herself forward and back in her throne like a child having a tantrum when their ride is over on the amusements at Brighton Pier. ‘DOWN, GIRL! DOWN!’

  Finally, with the queen yanking the reins left and right, the crocodile backed over to the side of the raised stage and settled onto its scaly belly.

  ‘That’s better,’ Latrina cooed. ‘Who’s a good girl?’ She took a moment to straighten her goggles and the little crown that had slipped over to one side of her knobbly head, then turned in her golden chair and looked down at her royal subjects for the first time. ‘Greetings, you rancid rottlers!’

  ‘Greetings, Your Majesty!’ the courtyard of goblins echoed in unison. ‘You are looking more beauty-tootiful than ever!’

  ‘Mmmmm…’ the queen grunted in agreement as she poked her little finger in her ear, wiggled it about, then pulled it out and examined how much wax was stuck to it. ‘I know!’

  ‘Seeing you has brightened our lives even more than yesterday,’ the crowd cooed together. Something told me this was very well rehearsed.

  ‘I should blunking think so,’ Latrina replied. ‘WHERE ARE MY CROCO-STEPS?’

  Two servants hurried over to the side of the queen’s crocodile with a little set of golden steps. They placed them just below where the throne was buckled round its middle, then set about helping Latrina down from her perch.

  ‘You, take my hand,’ she barked at one of them, before turning to the other. ‘And, you, support the royal rump!’

  After lots of shoving and grabbing and several flashes of the royal panty-bloomers, the pumpkin-sized ruler was hauled down to the stage and she stomped forward, eyeing the gathered courtiers in the same way my dad eyes the kitchen sink when it’
s his turn to do the washing-up.

  ‘Let’s get this honkswizzle over and done with,’ she moaned, grabbing a slice of mustard and mouse gristle tart from the nearest tray, sniffing it and then throwing it on the floor. ‘Euuurgh!’

  Captain Grumpwhistle raised his hand and opened his mouth to address the courtyard, when…

  ‘Ummm… If I may speak first, Your Greatness?’ The royal advisor in his fancy cloak and feathered hat stepped forward again.

  ‘Who are you?’ the queen snapped. ‘You’re ugly!’

  ‘I’m the royal advisor, Your Majesty.’

  Latrina pulled a face.

  ‘We talk every day… about very important things,’ the royal advisor said with a nervous smile. ‘Remember? I have lots of matters to discu—’

  ‘Well, I can’t be expected to memorise every last one of you dungles!’ the queen shrieked. ‘Disgusterous grublings all look the same to me. You all look like a boggart’s back-bits!’

  The entire room tittered and fanned themselves with coy smiles on their faces.

  ‘Indeed. Thank you, my queen. You are kind as ever,’ the royal advisor simpered. ‘So… may I continue?’

  Latrina grunted again. She lifted her riding goggles up onto her blotchy forehead and sneered when she got a better view of everyone.

  ‘FINE! Just get on with it. I’m having my verrucas shaved in the Royal Bubble-arium in a bit, and Doris is getting her claws painted. Very important stuff!’

  ‘Y-yes, Your Majesty,’ the nervous goblin continued. ‘Here are today’s announcements!’

  As I watched all this unfold, a tiny sense of relief crept into my brain. Maybe Grogbah hadn’t been completely truthful after all – that little fibbler. Queen Latrina clearly wasn’t too keen to have a chat with me, like he’d said, and it seemed like she wasn’t expecting my arrival at all. I was also super pleased to be right at the back of the courtyard and had managed to half-conceal myself behind a huge fern in a pot as big as a bathtub. With any luck, Latrina wouldn’t even spot me.