The Woman in the Story

by Helen Jacey

  So how does Self-Regulation work as a phase in your story? Essentially, it’s those moments in which your heroine is confronted with the choice to assert her own desires or to do the right thing for others by meeting their needs first.

  Fear of Being Judged

  Heroines who seek approval from other characters might fear being judged. This stems from a tendency in women to blame themselves for things going wrong, itself a by-product of being the Nurturer. Your heroine might feel that her own behavior has brought a bad situation on herself; if she hadn’t done this or done more of that, then this wouldn’t have happened. Taking too much responsibility for a situation shows a Relegated Self. This is a classic symptom of self-relegation, when your heroine hasn’t been taught good enough Maternal Lessons to make her understand that she doesn’t have to blame herself. In The Accused, Sarah likes to have a flirt with the guys. But this doesn’t mean she is asking to be gang raped. It takes strong-woman Kathryn to persuade Sarah to fight her case.

  Protecting the Male Ego

  Your heroine might face the dilemma of her needs being a major problem for her male partner. A Star is Born is about a rising star whose rise to success threatens the ego of her husband. Their marriage suffers as she tries to balance meeting her needs, as well as keeping him happy. That film might be decades old, but some of the issues are familiar for women who are more successful than their husbands. In Erin Brockovich, Erin is eventually left by her boyfriend because she doesn’t self-relegate. After one too many sessions looking after her kids, he realizes he’s a man, a biker even, who doesn’t have to self-relegate any longer for someone so ungrateful and stressed out.

  Collusion of the Family

  Everyone benefits from the heroine, in the role choice of Nurtur-er, self-relegating. It is human nature not to resist something that makes our lives easier. Some women really do need their partners and children to encourage them to do more for themselves, otherwise they would never give themselves permission. If Self-Relegation is seriously undermining your heroine, it can often be linked to the Eruption phase (see following text). She might walk out like Shirley Valentine (in Shirley Valentine) or snap aggressively, the way Carrie does in the TV episode of Sex and the City, when Aidan first moves into her fat, and it dawns on her that she can’t write with his constant need to interact. The Self-Relegating part of her at first tries to be nice, but then she erupts. Assertion of what you need has to take place, but often Eruption in the form of maternal meltdown is a very common way women point out to their families that they’ve had enough.

  Unconscious Self-Sabotage

  Your heroine may make odd choices seen in the light of what might be good for her own ego, but in another light they might be good for her relationship, even her own survival. Passivity is frustrating in a heroine, but it might be a logical reaction to an oppressive situation. Self-sabotage is about blowing your own chances out of fear of what it might do to your relationship. This is frequently seen in heroines who have fear-of-abandonment issues. Paradoxically, the heroine’s partner might actually want the heroine to go out and achieve something. If he’s sensitive, he might have to go out of his way to prove it to her. Or your heroine may have chosen a man who believes looking after the home is a shared task.

  A Strong Ego

  You might want your heroine to have high self-esteem and be extra-alert to any issues that might make her put up and shut up. She doesn’t care what people might call her, she’s going to do things her way. Erin Brockovich is interesting in this respect, because on one hand we all know why she’s a fighter, and we know why she’s got to get out of her situation. On the other hand, it is still hard to watch her blow her relationship when she won’t back down. Erin’s own inner battle with maternal guilt shows her Conflict regarding Self-Relegation. Has she gone so far that she’s hurting her children? It’s a tough call for the strong woman.

  Don’t forget many women don’t see Self-Relegation as negative. They see it as their natural role as wives and mothers.

  Desire for Union

  This phase is all about your heroine’s desire for love or intimacy, whether it’s for a lifetime or one night. As I’m sure you’re aware, it is one of the strongest phases in the vast majority of heroines’ stories, in which relationships are central. This is because of the Nurturing role choice that women are conditioned to follow from a very young age, the Maternal Lessons and Father Distance issues that orient women to needing love and affirmation of love, and all the cultural messages that bombard women’s lives. In this respect, it can last a whole story, or be momentary, depending on who your heroine is, what she wants, and how a “union” fits into her life during the story. A heroine’s self-esteem is dependent on the amount of close and supportive relationships, in the form of friends, loving family members, lovers, and long-term partners.

  As a shorter phase, it can take the form of a bad date, one-night stand, chat with a friendly stranger in the ladies rest room, girl’s night out, and glance across a crowded room. The desire for the touch of another, even if your heroine has just met him or her, can reveal a great deal about her state of mind and her character.

  Being Ready

  Sometimes, when a heroine has spent enough time in retreat, she is ready to form a new relationship or at least explore the possibility. In Under the Tuscan Sun, Desire for Union only becomes possible for the heroine in the last sequence of the story, which is all about getting over a traumatic breakup. Your heroine can stumble into the phase, for example by meeting someone unexpectedly, and before you know it, she’s longing for a relationship.

  Ambivalence

  In The Upside of Anger, the heroine experiences various levels of Desire for Union. She has casual sex with her lover, who she never really emotionally lets in because she is preoccupied with her bitterness over her husband’s desertion. By the end, she achieves a much stronger and deeper Desire for Union with her lover, finally appreciating and needing him. Casual sex is a major theme of Under the Skin, in which the heroine deals with the loss of her mother by needing physical sex as an annihilation of her emotional pain.

  We Are Family

  Family scenes, which show the sense of belonging a heroine feels, are very common in this phase. The heroine may feel happy to be with her family, and Conflict can be generated by her sensing that her partner feels uncomfortable. She wants him to belong too! Loving friends can also symbolize a family group that the heroine needs for validation and support.

  Marriage

  A wedding is a symbolic fulfilment of the Desire for Union, but a marriage is the ultimate test of the durability of that desire. The many tests of love during a marriage — children, stress, either partners or one partner changing, changes in the wider world, or poverty — can seriously make each partner question where the love has gone. In The Painted Veil, Kitty marries to get away from her family, knowing she is not in love with her husband. Soon she experiences the phase of the Desire for Union by having a passionate affair with a married man. When she finds out that her lover is not going to leave his wife for her, she has no choice but to follow her deeply hurt husband to a town infected with cholera. Over the next few months, she sees a new side to her husband, and the seeds of Desire for Union with him finally grow in the most testing of circumstances. The reversal of her feelings is symbolized by a need for sex, but it is clear that she has now fallen in love with him because she has matured sufficiently to see his strengths.

  Lost Union

  The Desire for Union phase is at its most moving when the heroine’s loved one has died, and the yearning cannot be satisfied except by memory. In P.S. I Love You, the heroine’s mourning is made all the more poignant and yearning because of the letters her husband wrote before he died, to help her get over the loss.

  Loving Too Much

  This phase is akin to Self-Relegation in that the heroine experiences a loss of identity and a grip on herself. The difference is that Loving Too Much is a result of either obsessio
nal love, overprotective love, or an unhealthy desire for love. Whatever the cause, it reveals an internal imbalance in the heroine.

  Obsessional Love

  This can take many forms in a story, from heartbreak, getting over someone, needing a boyfriend to fill some kind of internal vacuum or emptiness, to a monumental crush. It’s when the heroine loses perspective because of love and consequently loses a grip on herself.

  Denigratory Love

  Love can be bad for your heroine when the relationship has gone wrong and destroys her self-esteem. “Love” can still exist in a form of familiarity and need for security. It’s the syndrome of “better the devil you know.” The mother in East Is East loves her husband, but he is violent toward her and tyrannical. The Loving Too Much phase forms the basis of a great deal of her scenes, in which she wrestles with her internal Conflict over her husband’s unacceptable behavior. Should she leave him? Can she stand up to him? Similarly, the heroine in Shirley Valentine puts up with being underappreciated for too long for the sake of Loving Too Much before she walks out of her life.

  Risk Taking

  The Loving Too Much phase can make a heroine take enormous risks. In Elizabeth, risk-taking Queen Elizabeth sleeps with her lover, thus debunking the myth that she was England’s Virgin Queen. Her ladies-in-waiting know, and the court gossips. Her advisors know she cannot marry him, so she must not risk pregnancy.

  Parental Love

  Can we love our children too much? When it stifles their development and becomes more about fulfilling our needs and anxieties, as opposed to theirs. Overprotective parents tend to have unresolved wounds from their own childhood. They could have been emotionally or physically neglected. Or they are simply control freaks, who sow the seeds of their own misfortune because their child will escape as soon as she has enough independence. The mother who is jealous of the second wife or the stepmom of her children Loves Too Much in an unhealthy way. You can use this phase in scenes and sequences in which this problem generates lots of Conflict between parents and children.

  Retreat

  The need to retreat could be a reaction to grief, trauma, or despair, or it could be a time to have fun or a quiet time with herself. Maybe she’s a mother and feels like she’s at everyone’s beck and call, or she’s sick and tired of juggling. Maybe she just wants to feel like herself, without all the pressures or roles she has to play in life. Physical reasons can include biological changes that all women go through. Or they could be due to sickness or other problems. Your heroine will need to withdraw from the world, her friends, even her lover, because for whatever reason she needs to be alone. Retreat helps her replenish herself. Retreat can be a lifestyle choice if she has no trust or affection for others.

  Loss

  The acute pain of losing a loved one is the hardest thing for your heroine to bear. If it’s her child, lover, another close family member, or best friend, she will feel it like a mortal wound. The bereavement process requires withdrawal, except when the heroine is actively in denial of her pain.

  After Trauma

  Retreat is a phase that can be a scene or two long, last a sequence, or literally drive a huge part of the story. In I’ve Loved You So Long, Juliette takes a whole film to come out of a self-imposed psychological and physical retreat from life. So great is her emotional pain, she does nothing to resist going to prison for fifteen years.

  Enforced Retreat

  Any form of incarceration against your heroine’s will is an enforced retreat. The twist can be when a heroine is imprisoned by the authorities because of a crime passionel, as in the case of the French heroines of I’ve Loved You So Long and Leaving. Both women commit crimes for love. This phase can happen in the backstory or future. The ambivalent nature of how a heroine relates to Enforced Retreat can be seen in stories with rehab clinics, where she doesn’t really want to be, but some part of her knows it is for her own good, as in 28 Days and Rachel Getting Married.

  Biological Changes

  Women’s reproductive processes and biology can often bring about a need to Retreat, even if it’s momentary. From menstruation to breastfeeding, women have lots of regular reminders of their bodies’ needs and cycles. Your heroine can view them as a nuisance, try to ignore them (Boys Don’t Cry), be ashamed of them, or celebrate and love her physical processes as part of her essential, female being.

  Finding the Self

  Sometimes a heroine needs to be alone if her external life expects her to be too many things to too many people. This is the case with Elizabeth II in The Queen. The Retreat phase is extended in the story because Elizabeth needs to be human, not regal. Alone in the Scottish Highlands, the Retreat phase leads her to self-discovery and self-truth. Fame is another extremely testing challenge for some heroines. They may need Retreat to keep in touch with who they truly are. Trying to be something for others, putting on a different mask to hide who she really is, can lead to a character needing to Retreat in order to be themselves.

  Secret Rites

  People can retreat to be themselves and do things in private that are unacceptable to others or that they are ashamed of, all of which help them survive life. Self-mutilation is a very private act, as is binge eating and bulimia.

  Tips for Writing Relating Phases

  Emotions

  Get inside your character’s head in the scene to really know what she is feeling about the other person. Try to make it specific to exactly that moment in time. Emotions can be paradoxical and ambivalent. Your heroine might be really angry and want sex at the same time. She might be evaluating the risk of union the whole time she’s actively seeking it.

  Actions Speak Louder Than Words

  In an intense Relating scene or sequence, write the whole scene in dialogue. If your heroine is on her own, write out what she’s thinking as a monologue. Highlight all the strongest emotions in the speech. Then rewrite the whole scene, with no dialogue or monologue, just action. If you focus on the highlighted speech and turn that into action, you will be amazed how many nonverbal ways you can find to convey the emotion.

  Settings

  Relating phases work well in settings that intensify the emotions. The setting can do this by providing extreme contrast, or by mirroring the emotions and identity issues that face your heroine. Let’s take female bonding, for example. It’s very common to see female bonding scenes in spas or at the nail, beauty, or hair salon. This underlines the sense of conventional femininity. Alternatively, you could contrast a female bonding scene by putting two women executives in a boardroom full of men, where they show empathy to one another through a minor gesture. These principles don’t just apply to female bonding. They apply to all aspects of Relating.

  Power Dynamics

  Contrary to much screenwriting opinion, I believe there is a place in a story for a moment to exist for what it is, as opposed to a transaction happening. A scene doesn’t necessarily need a shift in values or power. Scenes do not have to have a turning point or reflect a metaphoric “deal” taking place between characters. A moment of love or happiness is just that. We are trained to think of these as expositional empty beats when really they can be holistic and transcendental moments that are important and pleasurable to the audience. They are moments of peace, acceptance, quietness, and love.

  A Relating Phase in Close-Up

  Julie and Julia

  In Julie and Julia, there is a sequence I call the Dorothy sequence. Julie and Julia is a Feel Good Femininity Film, full of joy and harmony; accordingly, the phases that are most visible throughout the film are those that dwell on the positive. This sequence shows how the phases can be used to help you at the very detailed level of a scene. (For explanation of phases I haven’t covered yet, but refer to here, read on!)

  Dorothy is Julia’s sister and has been invited by Julia to stay with her and her husband Paul in Paris where they live. The sequence starts as Julia and Paul wait at the train station for Dorothy. This is the Path to Potential phase. Will Dorothy com
e, and how will the visit go? The other phase is Desire for Union. Julia loves and misses her sister, and is keen to see her. As Dorothy appears, even taller than Julia, the women are delighted to see each other, full of joy, their Desire for Union fulfilled! Desire for Union continues over lunch, but is interwoven with the Father Distance phase as they discuss their relationships with their father, who disapproves of their life choices. “He wanted us to move to Pasadena, marry republicans and breed like rabbits.” Instead both women are childless and radical. The Path to Potential phase underpins the party Julia holds for Dorothy, to “match make” her with a man even taller than her. Dorothy shows she has a Desire for Union with a very short man instead, providing a moment of humor. Desire for Union continues at the wedding between Dorothy and her man, in which Julia is the bridesmaid. At the reception, Julia is confronted with her Father Distance as she sits with her father at the meal. He is busy criticizing Dorothy’s choice of husband. Avoiding an Eruption, Julia gets up to dance, which is a Retreat from her father. Sometime after the wedding, a letter comes from Dorothy. She’s pregnant. Julia cries, retreating into Paul’s arms for nurturing because she can’t have babies. This is a tough Maternal Lesson she has learned. Instead of babies, Julia will commit to the Path to Potential by writing her book.

  THE MOMENTUM PHASES

  The Momentum phase in your heroine’s story is the time when she has to take action in order to move forward. They focus on your heroine’s need to make progress and transform her life. These phases can frequently be associated with dramatic action, such as inciting incidents, turning points, and climaxes. The Momentum Phases are Violation, Crossroads, Eruption, and Path to Potential:

  The Violation phase reflects your heroine’s experience of being aggressed or being the aggressor.