Two Loves and One Decision

by LeLa Summers

“Thanks Josh”. Clarrisa said looking toward Crissy for help but Crissy was distracted by a conversation that she picked up with one of the local dog walkers. “So how are things going with you and the real estate business, did you ever get the house to close on pebblerock”? Clarrisa said to avoid any conversation on their relationship. “Naaaay, it fell through but there are other houses that have been selling like hot cakes, so business I can’t complain”. Josh said staring into her eyes. “Clarrisa….I ...I miss you so much”. There it goes the conversation that she has been trying to avoid and now it was out in the air. “Josh please lets not …” Clarrisa said turning her head away to keep from looking into his eyes. “Lets not what? Lets not talk about us and our relationship, lets not talk about getting married”. Josh said trying to conceal from raising is voice in public. “Yes Josh, I can’t …I can’t bare to talk about this”. “Rissa you left me, this should be easier for you to talk to me not the other way around, look can we please just have dinner tonight and talk about things”. Clarrisa knew three weeks wouldn’t have changed him and she knew he probably didn’t know why and how deep this whole subject of him believing in what she believed would and have an affect her. “Josh have you changed your mind “. “ Are you kidding me, is this what this is all about, your going to let this one thing destroy our future together”. Josh said angrily. “No! You are”. Clarrisa said mustarding up the courage to speak up and out. Right at that point she felt free and for the first time she felt liberated to say what was rooted there all along. “Now if you don’t mind I like to finish my jog with my sister”. All josh could do is watch her run away again and at that point he knew he couldn’t fight against her belief in God but he wasn’t given in that easily to her belief, why should he, he had no reason to believe in God there was nothing in his life indicating that he should believe. Life for him consisted of living childhood nightmares, tortured thoughts and reckless upon reckless decisions. He remembers the day that evil did exist and the nightmares that would follow him. “Sweetie Josh, momma need you to wake up we have to go, come on get your sister dressed” Josh mother said as she hurried to put the kids clothes in a small suitcase. “Momma why are we leaving, what’s going on”? Josh said as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Josh baby sister held josh hand tightly as if her two year mind new something was wrong. “No time for talk sweetheart momma want you two to be very quit we don’t want to wake your father”. Josh knew that his father had a bad temper and he knew he didn’t want to be around his father when he got angry. Life in their household when his dad was gone was so wonderful, how Josh, his sister Rebecca and their mom took advantage of every moment they had to themselves. That is where he first learned about pray when he was eight years old, everyday when their dad would leave for work they would get on their knees for prayer before school and his mother would start her prayer first teaching Joshua and Rebecca how to pray. She would always ask God to protect Rebecca and Joshua and that they would grow up and be successful in what ever they wanted to be and Rebecca would always ask God for more dolls and Joshua just asked God to let his daddy be a good daddy but deep in Joshua heart he would pray that he would get a new daddy and that they would move far away from his real daddy but of course he would never tell his mom that he wanted a new daddy because he didn’t want to make her cry more than she did. Rebecca would ask their mom why don’t daddy pray with us and the only reply she would give is that “Your daddy don’t believe in God “and that would be it; no reason behind it just plain and simple. So in order for Joshua to escape reality Joshua would imagine living in a grand house with butlers and maids and his mother being pampered by the help and her not worrying about being beaten and yelled at by that mean old man called dad because he would have left and never come back, Rebecca would retreat into her bed holding her pink knitted blanket and sucking on her pacifier to relieve the anxiety of the thoughts of her daddy beating their mom, Rebecca even would take the pacifier and blanket to school in fear that her dad would take her favorite things away from her, it was the only comfort that made her feel safe but dad wanted her to get rid of them both, he thought it was not natural for a two year old to be sucking a pacifier and holding a security blanket but Joshua and his mom knew the reason was for security of his dad. Joshua mom finally packed the small bag full of all three of there things and all three from the mother then Joshua and Rebecca including Rebecca security blanket were out the back door and walking in the dark after midnight down the road towards the next city that has a bus depot that stays open for twenty-four hours a day. “Momma why are we leaving”. Asked Rebecca as she clutched the pink blanket against her chest. “I want us to have a new happy life filled with great dreams and good surprises”. “I like surprises”. Rebecca said but of course Joshua didn’t because every surprise for him consisted of a spanking and no supper for the night when it came to his dad coming in from work in a bad mood and his mother didn’t have it any easier, he really hated to see his mother cry but she would mostly hold it in because he knew she didn’t want to upset Joshua or Rebecca but Joshua mother finally took a stand and decided the best thing was to runaway from their pain. “We’re going to the bus station and we’re going to be staying with your aunt Lockie for awhile, would you guys like that”. Joshua mom said with a smile on her face, it was a smile that Joshua never saw before but it resembled something of relief and that made him feel relief because he knew his mother was doing something to make sure that all three would be happy. He didn’t have to be grown to understand what his mother was doing. “Mommy I’m sleepy, I want to go home”. Rebecca said as she ran up to hold her mother hand, “Be quiet Becky you’re always whining”. Joshua said. He knew she didn’t understand the fullness of what was happening and he didn’t want his little sister to influence his mother decision in turning around and going home. “Josh don’t tell your little sister to be quiet, she probably is sleepy it is after midnight, now you be a big boy and carry the bag for your momma and I’ll carry Rebecca”. Josh was pleased with the decision his mom made and he happily picked up the bag. The walk was a little long but to Joshua it would be well worth it to know he didn’t have to endure his father abuse any more. The walk lead them just a couple of blocks from the bus depot, he knew he remembered the bus depot because there was a forest preserve area for those picnicking after travel and that would be the place that they would go rest and eat after their aunt Lockie got off the bus from a long trip. Suddenly there was a noise from far behind and by the looks of it was a car which of course a few did pass by to go to the bus station but this car started to slow down and suddenly the engine noise stopped and then the car door opened but because the lights from the car was so bright it was impossible to see in the night who it could be….until the voice was recognizable. “What are doing out here in the dead of night woman”. It was Joshua dad, he turned the car lights out and started walking toward them. “ Did you hear me woman, why are you out here so late with these kids huh! Are you planning on going some where?” “Jeff….I…I just wanted to visit my sister that’s all”, she said as she squeezed tightly Rebecca who was still in her arms. “Daddy”. Rebecca said crying. “I want you to get yourself back in that car and I’m gonna show you when we get back to the house not to run away from me again”. He said as he walked to the car. Joshua couldn’t believe what was going on he was so close to his freedom and Joshua started to cry. “Shut your mouth boy and get yourself in this car”. Jeff said as he held the door open. Could it end like this, the freedom that was only blocks away? “No! No! We’re not coming back Jeff we’re leaving and not coming back”. Joshua mother said as she continued to cry. “You get yourself in this car woman before I really give you something to cry about!” Jeff said as he slowly walked toward her. Joshua mom started to walk backwards with Rebecca in her arms. Joshua felt his small world crashing around him, the monster of his home was coming to take them back, Joshua couldn’t let that happen, he had to think of something. “You do what I say woman!” And
right then Joshua went up and kicked Jeff in his bad knee and Jeff let out a yell. “Why you little”. Jeff fell to the ground and held on to his bad knee. Joshua knew he won and ran towards his mother. “Nooooo! Jeff”. Was all Joshua heard his mother say before he look back to see his dad holding a silver gun, for minute he thought it was his play gun that he got for Christmas but he shot at his mother missing her.“ Run Josh!” His mother yelled and Joshua ran opposite of his mother and his mother ran in the forest preserve with Rebecca in her arms, Josh heard shots near him but was to scared to look back, he ran until sweat soaked his clothes and his hair. He laid down on the ground taking off his long sleeve white shirt and hiding it in the leaves to keep his dad from seeing him at night. He could no longer hear his mother screaming and he couldn’t hear his dad foot steps and he was too scared to yell out for his mother because he feared of being caught by his dad.