by Jamie Knight
“Natalia, I'm home!” he called out.
Hearing his voice made me realize how much I had missed him. I ran to the door and jumped up into his arms, hugging and kissing him.
“I'm so glad to see you, Dad,” I said, nestling my head into his chest. “How was your trip?”
He sighed, and looked up from our hug to cast his gaze around the house.
“It was just like any other trip, I suppose,” he said, sounding tired. “I'm just glad to be back home for a while. How was everything here? Good, I hope?”
I tried not to think about everything that had happened and tried even harder to plaster a fake smile on my face for my dad's sake.
“It went fine,” I said.
“Good,” he said, nodding his head. “Was Bradley helpful?”
I should have expected that he was going to ask about him, but it didn't stop me from wincing at the sound of his name. I knew I would have to figure out a way to hide any reaction I might have to news about him.
“Yes, he was great,” I said. “He helped me get my car going again.”
I could feel my dad's eyes carefully searching my face.
“Good,” he said, once he was satisfied with my response. “Where is he? I should say hello.”
He called after him and I knew that that was my cue to make my exit.
“Okay, well, it's good to see you home,” I said, walking toward my bedroom.
Bradley walked out his room as I was passing him. We had this moment of awkward silence as we stood there staring at each other. I gulped. He blinked. Quickly, I walked around him, keeping my head down until I got to my room.
I wanted to talk to my dad some more, but I decided that I would spend my night in my room so that I wouldn't have to risk running into Bradley again. I wasn't exactly sure how long I could go avoiding him, but for now, until my heart could heal a little bit, I would have to do whatever it took to make sure that I didn't run into him, especially in front of my dad. My dad was very observant and it wouldn't take him very long to start asking some very hard questions that I wouldn't have answers to.
But, all I wanted was for Bradley to stay in the house so that I could see him every day. Even though we hadn't talked for several days, simply knowing that he was in the house was enough to give me a glimmer of hope that things might turn around for the better. I went to sleep that night with thoughts that maybe things wouldn't turn out as bad as I thought.
I woke up and made a big breakfast, partially to welcome my dad back, but also in an effort to call a truce between Bradley and me. We needed to smooth things over.
I knew that there was no way that we could talk about anything in front of my dad. But I hoped that maybe by me cooking breakfast for him too that he would understand I had no hard feelings, and anything negative that had happened between us didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.
I found the same pancake recipe that I had found before and got to work making the pancakes.
“It smells delicious in here,” said my dad, walking around the corner with a smile on his face, wearing his fluffy robe, the one that he always wore when he got back from deployment. He sat down at the table and playfully picked up a knife and fork and banged it down on the table, pretending that he was waiting for food.
“I'm making pancakes for all of us,” I giggled and told him, tickled by his playful nature.
“Oh, well, there's only the two of us,” he said. “Bradley moved out. Found himself an apartment. I'm so happy for him. I wasn't sure how long that it would take, but it looks like he took care of business right away. I just hope that he's happy.”
“Me, too,” I said, trying to keep my voice cheery and my face as straight as possible. I finished making the pancakes and stacked some on my dad's plate. I excused myself after I had finished serving him, telling him that I was starting to feel sick and needed to lay down.
Oh, crap. I couldn't believe that he had actually left. I wanted to believe that he was just overreacting, that this was the way that his mind tried to make sense of everything that had happened between us.
I told myself that it would blow over and he would be right back to indulging in whatever it was that we had going on. I told myself all these things that I wanted to be true, not realizing how badly I was deluding myself.
I felt so stupid. I was a fool for believing lies of my own creation. And I was dumb for letting myself get so wrapped up in Bradley to the point that, now that he was gone, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to pull myself together.
The first thing that I could think to do was to call Grace. Even if she didn't really have a solution to my problem, talking to her always made me feel better.
She picked up the phone after the first ring.
“Hey, there, lover girl,” she said, her voice dripping with seduction. “How's everything going with you and your lover boy?”
I opened my mouth to answer her and the only thing that I could manage to do was to break down in tears all over again.
“Oh, my God!” she exclaimed, immediately sounding serious. “What's wrong?”
“Bradley... left... and... now... I... ” I said, trying to catch my breath in between the avalanche of tears that was still flowing.
“I'll be over in a flash,” she said, getting off the phone quickly.
I hung up my phone, throwing it onto the bed. I lay down on the bed and cried some more. The truth was, I wanted to be mad at him for making such a drastic decision, but I couldn't help but think about the wonderful times that we had spent together, how tenderly he held onto me, the way that he looked at me. The memories flooded me so hard and fast and I couldn't stop the tears from streaming.
About twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. Grace opened it without waiting for an answer, peeking her head around the corner.
“Natalia, you in here?” she asked.
My head felt like it weighed a ton as I tried to lift it up to look in her direction. I croaked out a response.
“Awww,” she said, her voice so full of compassion. “Honey, you'll be okay. But, tell me what happened? I thought that things had turned around and were going well. I know I was out of phone range for our family’s week of camping but I assumed all went great, since I didn’t hear from you when I got back yesterday. Did the shower plan not go the way that we expected?”
She had a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream in her hand, two bowls, and two spoons. She walked over to the dresser and sat everything down, served a couple of scoops of ice cream into each bowl, and brought them over to the bed.
I laughed, thinking all the way back to the shower plan.
“No, the shower plan was a complete bust,” I said, sitting up and wiping my face with my sleeve. “It got me nowhere but next to him watching a movie all night. But, while we were watching the movie, I saw that he had a boner. It was pretty weird. I was sure that something was going to happen, but it didn't. So, the next day, he tells me that he wants to go on a date...”
“Oh, yeah I remember you telling me that,” she said, perking up. “What an asshole! I thought that pretty much was the end of everything. Anyway, good riddance.”
She brushed her hands together like she was cleaning them. It was always hard to get through a story with Grace because she would always interrupt and not sit long enough to listen to all of the details. Normally, it didn't bother me, but today, it was frustrating.
“Would you just let me talk?” I asked, irritated.
“Geez, okay,” said Grace, putting her hands up in front of her like she was surrendering. I ignored her display and continued my story.
“So, anyway, I was a complete mess, crying. That's when I texted you. And I was just a mess. I sat there watching movies and eating ice cream...”
“Mint chocolate chip, I'm sure,” she quipped, holding up her bowl that was almost empty.
“You know me so well,” I said, smiling appreciatively. “Well, he ended up coming back relatively early. He was only go
ne for a couple of hours. And when he came back, I asked him how everything went and he told me that he had a confession to make.”
“What?” exclaimed Grace, leaning closer to me, her eyes wide open like she was hanging onto every word. She motioned with her hand for me to continue.
“So, I asked him what happened and he told me that he had lied about going on a date because he had wanted to stop focusing on me so much and wanted me to stop focusing on him.”
“I knew it,” said Grace, with a devilish grin. “I knew that he was into you.”
“Yeah, and he said he was afraid of opening up to me, to let me see his injuries from war. So, I told him that I wanted to see his scars. And then, he started pulling down his pants...”
“Oh my God!” blurted out Grace. She clapped both hands over her mouth and I gave her a withering look. She looked at me apologetically and waited for me to continue.
“And we made love. It was so incredible. Well, actually, first he gave me oral and made me wait until the next day to decide if I wanted to actually fuck. When I totally did, of course, he took me to a beautiful meadow and laid me down. He was so gentle with me, taking time to make sure that I was okay. It felt good and hurt at the same time. And then, he kind of lost control and started fucking me fast and hard. It was so different from anything I’d known. But then, I didn’t want it to stop. We started doing it multiple times a day. And always, afterwards, we’d sleep together. Like, actually going to sleep, holding each other. It was amazing, the whole week. I one day, I woke up, happy and excited, making him breakfast. And... and... ”
I could feel the tears starting to build again.
“What happened, Natalia?” asked Grace softly, putting her hand on my shoulder.
The tears were running freely now as the memory of what happened overtook me.
“He told me that us sleeping together was a huge mistake and that it could never happen again. And he said that he was moving out.”
I fell apart, hugging my friend tightly as I cried. I felt so miserable, so helpless. And even though I loved my friend Grace dearly, all I really wanted was to be in Bradley's arms.
But, I knew that that wasn't going to happen. So, the tears came harder and faster. And I didn't bother trying to muffle the sound. I sobbed loud and hard, feeling the pain in my core.
“Knock, knock,” came my dad's voice from the doorway. He peeked around the corner sheepishly, holding out a three-pack of Kleenex.
“Come in,” I said, trying to wipe my face.
But, it was too late. He already noticed my face. I couldn't look at him. Oh, great. My dad was not the person I wanted to be talking to about any of this.
Chapter 30
Natalia
Unlike Bradley, throughout the whole time that we spent together, even though I knew that my dad probably wouldn't like the fact that Bradley and I had ended up spending time together and having sex, I put him as far out of my mind as possible. I was just focused on how good it felt being with him. But, with Dad standing there, it was impossible to ignore him.
“I don't mean to intrude,” he said, handing me the Kleenex. “I just heard you crying and thought that I would come and help however I can. I've never been good with the tears, but that doesn't mean that I don't care in my own way. If it would help, I can go beat the guy up. Just show me where he is and it's done. Nobody is going to break my baby girl's heart and get away with it.”
Grace laughed loudly, sounding like a clanging bell. My dad smiled sheepishly, happy that his joke had landed.
I knew that he was trying to lighten the mood, but part of me wondered if there wasn't some truth to his statement. Even though the laugh made his eyes light up, his jaw was clenched, as if he were holding back some pent up anger. It made me wonder what would happen if he did find out the truth.
My dad had never been around for the high school break ups that I had gone through because he was always deployed. But, given his vast military experience, I bet that no guy would have ever even wanted to risk getting him angry enough to come after them.
There was one guy in particular who had shattered my heart into a million pieces. Looking back on the situation, I realized how silly it was for me to be so crushed.
I was a junior in high school and the guy, Greg, was a senior. He was a bad boy, sporting a leather jacket and always had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He was almost never in school because he would always get into trouble and get kicked out. But, he didn't care. He had a Harley motorcycle that he would ride. I remembered that I would always watch him curiously after school.
One day, he spotted me watching him. He was talking to a couple of his friends. I thought that he was deep in conversation, but then, he looked up, his eyes fixed on me. He kept staring at me, even when I tried to look away and pretend that I wasn't watching him. I went home that night and couldn’t stop thinking about him and his haunting eyes.
The next day, when I came out of school, he jumped on his Harley, revved up the engine, and beckoned for me to join him. At first, I wasn't sure if he was pointing at me. I looked around and saw no one else standing near me and pointed at myself. He smiled and nodded. The walk to his bike seemed to take forever. I felt like my feet felt like they weighed a ton each.
When I finally got to his bike, he didn't say a word. He just turned around and waited for me to get myself situated on his bike.
“Hold on,” was all he said before lifting the kickstand and riding off.
I felt like such a bad ass, like a girl in one of the movies who gets the guy. He rode for a while until he pulled over in the middle of nowhere. There were a bunch of fields with tall grass everywhere. He rode in the middle of one where the grass had been run over already. He turned off his bike and got off. He extended his hand toward me and I took it.
We walked for a few yards until we came to a small pond. He sat down on the side of it and just stared out over the water. I wasn't quite sure what was going on, so I just sat next to him and waited.
“What's your name?” he asked gruffly.
I swallowed hard, feeling jittery like I had a belly full of butterflies.
“Natalia,” I said quietly.
“You wanna be my girl?” he asked.
I was flustered for a moment. I hadn't expected that he would come right out and say that. I thought about it for a moment. I had never been with someone like him. I figured that, at the very least, it would be quite an adventure.
“Uh, sure,” I said, immediately feeling stupid for answering like that. But, he didn't seem to care.
“Good,” he said.
We sat there for a little while longer, just staring off into the distance. It was a kind of silence where, even though neither one of us spoke, it was relatively comfortable. I didn't feel like I had to fill the air with mindless chatter with him. I could just be.
He turned toward me and kissed me hard on the mouth, his tongue flicking in and out of my mouth. He kissed me like he had done it plenty of times before. I, on the other hand, felt awkward. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. I asked him to please slow down and give me some time.
We was obviously upset about it. He roughly put me back on this bike and drove me back without saying a word.
The next day, I came out of school and saw his Harley pulling off without me. But, not only was it pulling off without me, it was pulling off with Jessica, a girl with a reputation in school for being with a lot of guys, on the back. She was wearing a skirt that was riding up her leg almost showing her butt.
I was so crushed. I burst out in tears as soon as his Harley was out of view. I knew he would be taking her to the same place he took me. I was sure that they would do a lot more than just kiss if the rumors about her were true.
I went home that night and told my mom about what Greg had done and she pulled the mint chocolate chip ice cream out of the freezer and talked and cried with me until I fell asleep.
Sitting there on my bed crying with Grace over B
radley made me wonder how my dad would have handled things back then with Greg, knowing everything that had happened. I could imagine him finding him, pulling him up by his collar, and beating him to a bloody pulp in my defense.
It was then that I realized just what might happen if my dad did find out that Bradley and I had been together. Seeing my dad standing there, simmering beneath the surface without knowing the details made me realize that, if he did know the full truth, he would have blown his top. He would have hunted Bradley down and would have hurt him or even killed him.
I shuddered at the thought.
Immediately, I let go of any anger that I might have been feeling about Bradley. I didn't want him to get hurt, especially not because of me. I started to understand that him moving out was a protection for both of us. What I thought was just him being stubborn at first was really him trying to avoid an avoidable catastrophe.
I had been falling hard for Bradley and had started wanting him constantly, but it was almost impossible for us to even be together. The fact that he and my father were so close made it so that the only way that things could end between us would be in disaster. So, it was good that things had ended the way that they did, on a relatively good note. Despite my being upset at him leaving, I still only had good things to say about Bradley.
“Don't worry, Dad,” I said, trying to sound perky. “You don't have to beat anyone up. It wasn't anything serious, anyway. I'll be okay.”
My dad looked at me, his eyes searching mine for any signs of a lie. I looked back at him, hoping that he would be reassured that I was telling the truth.
“Well, alright,” he said reluctantly. “If you need anything, let me know. I'm here for you.”
He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead before leaving the room and closing the door.
The door had barely shut before Grace popped up.
“Whoa!” she said, clutching her chest. “I thought I was gonna have a heart attack! Your dad is pretty intense, Natalia.”
“Tell me about it,” I said, brushing back my hair absentmindedly.