by Jamie Knight
“Can you imagine what he would do if he found out about Bradley?” she whispered inches away from my face.
“Yeah, I can,” I said frowning.
“But, like you said, you'll be okay. This is just a momentary thing. You'll be right back to your old self in no time.”
Even though I was still nursing my emotional wounds of not being able to be with Bradley in the way that I wanted to be, I knew that she was right. I would be okay. I would get over it and move on. I might even find someone else that I could be with.
I knew that I would be okay. I would live. But, I wasn't sure if I would ever really be happy again. I did know that I would never be able to forget Bradley, and all I could do was try to keep the happy memories of him without feeling too upset about what had to happen.
Chapter 31
Bradley
“Do you guys have any aux cords that light up?” came a voice behind me. I whirled around and saw a girl standing there with curly green hair.
Because of my injury, I couldn't work as a mechanic anymore. My knees and back would give out if I tried to bear too much weight on them for too long. So, I found a job at an electronics store. It was the job I had interviewed for when I’d told Natalia I was going on a date. At least that had ended up working out.
The job was simple enough, most days. But sometimes I would get unusual requests, like that one. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why someone would want a cord that lit up. But, it was my job to help every customer who walked in, no matter how strange the request.
“No, ma'am,” I said. “But, I can help you find some other cool gadgets that light up in the car if you would like.”
She looked mildly disappointed for a minute and then lit up.
“Okay,” she said, waiting for me to walk so that she could follow me.
I walked across the store to an area where there was a kaleidoscope of lights flickered all over. It was news to me, when I first started here, how much people liked their shit lit up these days.
“Here you go,” I said, pointing toward the wall of devices. “I'm sure that you can find something here that you will like.”
Her eyes immediately went to a radio that had green lights blinking on it.
“Why, thanks,” she said, running her fingers along the dials.
“You're welcome, “ I said, turning and walking away.
Typical interaction for my workday: deep, insightful, thought-provoking. Oh, these meaningful, action-filled days of mine…
When my shift was over, I closed the store, turned off all of the lights, and walked the few blocks to my apartment. I was happy that I had been able to find a place so quickly and getting a job that was within walking distance helped, too. It was part of the reason I had chosen to live in the apartment complex that I did.
I opened the door to my apartment, turned on the lights, and walked in and looked around. It still took a little getting used to. Here, I had a very modest studio apartment. But it was just enough for me. I didn't need much and liked that about my style. It had already been two weeks since I had moved in, but I still had most of my things pushed into a corner. Honestly, my room was mostly just a bed and a dresser.
I pulled clothes out of my suitcase for each day and discarded the ones that I wore into a pile in another corner. I felt like I was going through the motions, trying to live what I considered to be a normal life, but it mostly felt surreal.
I took a shower and got ready to go to sleep when my phone rang.
My heart paused for a minute when I saw that it was James. We hadn't really talked since I moved out. And every day, I waited for the call that would come where he was screaming and yelling, telling me that he was coming after me for what had happened between Natalia and I. I knew that there was no way that I would ever be ready for that, but I knew, if that day did come, I would have to be ready.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Hey there, my man Brad,” he said, cheerfully. “Sorry if I'm disturbing you, but I wanted to give you a call and see how things are going?”
I sighed with relief. This wasn't that call.
“They’re going pretty well,” I answered, trying to sound upbeat. “How's everything on your end?”
“All is well here,” he said. “I'm glad to hear that you're adjusting well. Say, what are you doing this weekend?”
I had no social life to speak of, so I didn't have to look at my calendar to find that answer.
“Nothing at the moment,” I said. “I was thinking of picking up some extra shifts at work to pad the ol’ wallet and not get bored.”
I found that working helped to keep me busy and keep my mind off of Natalia.
“Naw, man, don't do that,” said James, dismissively. “I'm having a barbecue this weekend here. You should swing by. It should be a great time.”
It had been a long time since I had been invited to any type of party. I knew it would be a good idea to get some social interaction. Plus, I had been dying to know how Natalia had been doing, but I dared not ask her father while we were on the phone.
I wasn't sure that my tone wouldn't give me away. I figured that I would just wait to see her at the barbecue that weekend. That way, I could blend in with the crowd of people there and interact with other people, but still keep a watchful eye on her.
I went to sleep that night with my heart quickening, thinking about her and couldn't wait to see her that weekend.
The next couple of days of work seemed to drag on as I waited until the weekend to see her. I was not as attentive at work. A few customers had given me funny looks as they asked me the same question over and over. I covered with my usual wit and jokes. It was useless, I tried to get my mind off of her, to focus on work, but it was nearly impossible.
I missed her so much.
Saturday morning, I woke up well before the sun even came up. I was so excited that I couldn't even stay in bed. The green woods were calling and I answered with a long hike. It definitely helped in clearing my mind. Soothing as always. Bird chirping, butterflies swooping, the quiet hum of life flourishing around me—this was good stuff.
When I got home, I stripped and got ready to shower. But I caught a glance at my reflection in the mirror above the sink. My hair was getting longer up top, and I remembered my younger self with a bangin’ late 90s skater cut I did myself back then, with only hair-clippers and a cocksure attitude. In no time flat, clippers in hand, I recreated the spirit of that look, shaving the sides and back and leaving the top a bit longer. Then I swept up the cuttings, took a shower and got dressed.
I put on black pants that actually fit and a tight V-neck shirt that gripped my biceps. I looked myself over in the mirror and saw a refreshed me. I decided that I didn't look half bad. The barbecue didn't start until noon, so I distracted myself with a juicy Tom Clancy novel until it was time to go.
I felt nervous, something that I hardly ever felt. I had been driving a rental car for the couple of weeks that I had moved into my place. A slick, new Chevy Impala, and I couldn’t believe my luck in getting the 300 horsepower model. It was a vehicle of quality and I for one, appreciated a good machine.
A little bit before noon, I got into the car and decided that I would unwind by enjoying its nice handling and take my time getting to the barbecue. I was nervous about seeing Natalia again. I knew that nothing could ever come of us, but it would be good to at least see her and make sure she was doing okay.
Chapter 32
Bradley
When I pulled up, I didn't see any other cars and thought that maybe I was one of the first to arrive. I waited in the driver’s seat to see if anyone else was going to pull up. When it was close to one o'clock, I saw a small red Volkswagon turn into the driveway. I got out then, happy that I could finally go inside without being the only one there.
A short girl with long, black hair and porcelain skin stepped out of the car and walked to the door. We got to the front door almost at the same time. Before I had a
chance to knock, the door swung open. It was James. He was standing there with a spatula in his hand and wearing a “Kiss the Cook” apron.
“Hey there!” he said, jovially. “Glad you made it! Lunch is ready. Come on in.”
He moved out of the way to let us walk in.
“Brad, have you met Grace?” he asked. I looked toward the girl and shook my head.
“I haven’t,” I said. “Hi, I’m Bradley.”
I extended my hand in her direction. She looked at it before deciding to shake my hand with two fingers. She had a slight look of disdain on her face. But she didn’t say anything. She just kept staring at me until Natalia rounded the corner.
“Grace!” she yelled out, a smile brightening her face as she saw her friend.
Natalia wore a warm coral-pink dress that flowed at the bottom. Its bright color seemed to be a complete contrast against her pale form. Her eyes looked tired, like she had to muster up enough energy to smile. But despite that, she looked beautiful. My breath caught in my chest as I watched her hug her friend tightly. I immediately was jealous of her friend, lucky enough to be able to press against her firm breasts and hold her near.
I looked away, hoping to hide the longing that I was feeling for her. Her eyes drifted in my direction and her shoulders slumped. Just as quickly as the light came into her eyes, it left when she saw me. I thought that I could hear the sound of my heart breaking.
But I held it together.
“I guess we’re the first guests to arrive, huh, James?” I asked as nonchalantly as I could, joining the group as they walked toward the backyard.
“No, you guys are it,” said James, sweeping his hand in a circle in our general direction. I was shocked. I had expected that there were going to be more people there than just us. It definitely would be more challenging to avoid Natalia in a crowd of people if there was no crowd to speak of.
As I approached the sliding doors, I froze. My mind instantly flashed to the last time that I had walked out those doors. It had been the night that Natalia and I had gone for a late night dip. The cool night air chilled our naked skin as I humped her weightlessly in the pool.
I turned and looked at James, happily walking around the table, piling burgers from a platter onto plates on the table and felt bad for him. He was completely oblivious to what had happened under his own roof. I felt a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had betrayed my friend and then had the nerve to come back to his house as if nothing had happened, happily chomping on food that he had prepared.
“Help yourself,” he said, motioning toward the food.
“Don’t mind if I do,” said Grace, rubbing her hands together and grabbing a plate. Natalia laughed infectiously. James handed me a plate and I stepped up to grab it. Natalia looked at me blankly. Her friend Grace, though, gave me the coldest look ever. She didn’t say anything. She just kept shooting me dirty looks.
At first, I thought that I had imagined it, but it was a clear look of disapproval on her face. I figured that she must have known the truth about me. It made me feel uncomfortable, completely out of place. But, no way was I going to be rude to James and leave early. I owed him at least that. Even though I hadn’t been the best friend to him up until that point, I was determined to try to redeem myself, even if only in my head.
“You settling in okay?” asked James, shoveling a fork full of potato salad into his mouth.
I stopped in the middle of chewing my food, trying to make myself swallow fast enough to answer him.
“Uh, yeah,” I said, glancing around the table. Both girls were eating silently. As I watched Natalia, I realized that she wasn’t actually eating. She was pushing her food around on her plate, staring at it like it was supposed to do something. Grace was too busy jamming food into her mouth to notice that her friend wasn’t as enthusiastic about the meal as she was.
“That’s good,” said James nodding. “You hear that, Natalia? Bradley here says that he likes the new place. I guess we won’t be seeing him back here any time soon, huh?”
He roared with laughter at his own joke. I forced out a laugh that probably sounded as pained as I felt. Talking about my living situation reminded me of why I even moved in the first place.
“May I be excused?” asked Natalia, her voice sounding as lifeless as she looked.
“Are you okay?” I blurted out. She looked sick and I was starting to worry.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, not looking at me. “Can we go now?”
Her voice cut like a knife. But, James didn’t act like he noticed at all.
“Sure,” he said. “Bradley, what do you say to a game of pool and a couple of beers?”
“I say what are we waiting for?” I pushed away from the table and cleared my plate.
It took everything I had within me to act at all fucking normal. I was worried about Natalia, wishing I could talk to her. Instead, I had to go play pool with her dad, which was the last thing I wanted to do.
Chapter 33
Bradley
I headed over to the game room and James joined me a few minutes later.
“Sorry that you had to see Natalia like that,” he said, shaking his head. “She’s been going through a lot lately, I tell ya.”
“Oh?” I asked curiously. “What do you mean? What’s been going on?”
“She’s a little heartbroken right now,” he said, handing me a cue stick.
“That’s gotta be rough,” I said, my own heart starting to beat fast. “What did she say?”
“She really hasn’t said anything, but it’s obvious what happened. You don’t see it?”
He looked at me, a wild look in his eyes. I swallowed hard, trying to tell myself to keep breathing.
“See what?” I asked innocently.
“The fact that some SOB punk broke my baby girl’s heart,” he said angrily, pounding his fist on the pool table. He looked at me, his eyes filled with a mixture of rage and sadness.
“That’s awful,” I said sadly. “I hope she’s okay.”
James sat the pool stick down and sat on the edge of the table.
“Yeah, me, too,” he said. The sadness that filled his voice caught me off guard. My friend looked so upset and sad. It hurt me to see him that way.
I clapped my hand on his shoulder.
“Cheer up,” I said. “We all go through it. She’ll be okay.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just hard watching her like this. She doesn’t eat. She doesn’t sleep. It’s been several weeks already and it doesn’t seem like she’s getting any better. In fact, it seems like she’s almost getting worse. And I want to protect her, to take the pain away. And the fact that I can’t is killing me inside.”
He walked over and opened a small refrigerator that was sitting on the floor and grabbed two beers. He tossed one to me and opened the other one, taking huge gulps and finishing it off in just a couple of minutes. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and threw the empty can in a corner.
I opened mine and took a few sips. My stomach was starting to churn, so I didn’t want to drink too fast and risk being sick. Listening to James talk about what was going on with Natalia was making me feel nauseous enough.
I put the beer on the edge of the pool table and racked up the cue balls. I thought that maybe if we played a little pool, we could lighten the mood and change the subject for a while. But, James seemed very preoccupied with his concerns about what was going on with his daughter. He was a good father, so that made a lot of sense. It just made me very uncomfortable.
James stood up and stared at me, pointing his finger at me.
“You,” he said, shaking his finger in my face.
I felt like a spotlight had been turned in my direction. Droplets of sweat were started to accumulate around my neck. I felt like the walls were going to cave in. I needed air.
“What about me?” I asked, hoping my voice would not come out with that squeaky edge I had when I hit puberty.
“You left rig
ht around the time that Natalia started crying and being upset about the break up,” he said.
He rubbed his chin, staring off into space like he was trying to put it all together. I hid my hands behind my back so that he wouldn’t see that they were threatening to shake. This was it, I thought.
“Yeah, but what’s that got to do with me?” I asked.
James looked at me and frowned.
“Well, I’m not sure that it does,” he said. “But, maybe while I was gone you may have seen something or heard something that could help. Were there any guys hanging around or did you hear her talking on the phone to anyone?”
“I pretty much kept to myself while I was here. I mean, I helped her to get her car started, but that was it. Otherwise, we didn’t really spend a lot of time together...”
My voice trailed off as my mind went to the truth of what happened, something that I hoped that I never had to tell James about. Just standing there talking to him about it was making me very fucking uncomfortable. Here was a father, genuinely concerned about his daughter, sharing his concerns with his friend and I was of no help.
I wished that I could tell him something that would comfort him, something that would put his mind and heart at ease, but my hands were tied. Instead, I had to stand there, watching him search for an answer that would never come.
“Everything in me wants to track down the SOB who broke her heart and break his jaw,” said James, a look of determination in his eyes.
I had often seen that look on his face right before we got ready for a mission. He would get so focused, preparing to destroy all opposition.
Back in the Air Force, I remember one mission in particular, the one right before the accident, when I had stumbled across him as he was mentally preparing himself to go into combat.
He was in the bathroom and I walked in on him accidentally. I apologized and got ready to close the door, but noticed that he was sitting on the floor in the bathroom with his legs crossed and his eyes closed. His eye opened slightly, then he closed it again, getting back into the meditative state that he was in. I pulled the door closed, but left it open wide enough for me to peek through the doorway.