How Long Is Forever?

by Erin M. Leaf

  “And now I’m going to be late for work. Again.” She impatiently shoved her hair back as she swallowed back another wave of nausea. It was settling down, thank God. She had just enough time to shower before catching her bus into the city. She didn’t have time to pee on the pregnancy test she’d bought yesterday, but it didn’t matter. She’d already peed on two others yesterday morning.

  “Eva? You okay?” Charlie called from the bedroom.

  Perfect timing, as always. She grimaced. “How about no?” she muttered under her breath.

  “Eva? It’s getting late,” he called louder, as if she hadn’t heard him before.

  “Just brushing my teeth!” she replied, thinking about the tests she’d wrapped back up in the shopping bag and shoved in the back of her bathroom cabinet behind the shower cleaner. She didn’t want him to know. Mr. This Is Just Temporary would totally freak. She glanced at the door, then swallowed hard as another wave of bile—or was it terror?—threatened to scald her esophagus. “God damn it,” she said bitterly, bending over to spit toothpaste.

  By the time Charlie opened the door, she’d recovered enough to smile at him and take the bagel he offered her. “I’ve got to go on that business trip tomorrow,” he reminded her. “It’s been set up for months, or I would’ve scheduled it differently.” He made a face. “Sorry.”

  She frowned, then nodded. “Oh, that’s right. I almost forgot.” She hadn’t forgotten. She just hadn’t wanted to think about it, so she’d pushed it to the back of her mind.

  “I’ll only be gone a week. Two at the most, hopefully,” he told her, leaning in to kiss her.

  Eva smiled at him as he pecked her cheek, and then took a bite of her bagel. He’d toasted it and added cream cheese, just the way she liked, carbs be damned. Since Charlie didn’t seem to mind the extra weight around her hips and belly, she’d stopped obsessing so much over her food. And that had been why she’d thought she’d put on a few pounds.

  “Sweet,” he said, licking his lips, as if her cheeks were candy.

  Eva rolled her eyes, outwardly smiling, while inwardly she railed against fate. I’m not fat because I’m eating bagels, she thought, barely controlling her panic. I’m fat because I’m pregnant with Charlie’s love child. I’m a fucking cliché. Luckily for her, the weird morning sickness thing only happened once she got up, and mostly when she was trying to brush her teeth. So, it had been easy to hide it from him. She knew she couldn’t go on like this forever, but she’d only just realized what had happened! Right? And I don’t want him to worry, she told herself, all the while knowing she was just making excuses.

  Charlie grinned at her, then handed her a travel mug of coffee. “I know you hate bringing this onto the bus, but you were in the bathroom so long that you’re out of time.”

  She blinked at him, then took the coffee she could no longer drink. Caffeine was supposed to be bad for babies, wasn’t it? “Thanks, Charlie.” Why did he have to be so damned amazing? He really was an awesome boyfriend, except for the whole “I’m too old for you” thing.

  He shrugged, then gave her a smoldering look. “It’s the least I could do. It’s my fault we’re late.” In his tight jeans and tight t-shirt, that kind of expression could set a woman’s panties on fire in less than a second.

  Eva was not immune. She blushed, then shook her head, annoyed that he could still make her feel like a fluttering virgin. “I didn’t mind.” He’d woken her up with his mouth on her pussy, and what woman could say no to that on a Monday morning? Dammit. He’s basically perfect, except for his obsession over our age difference, she thought, wishing she could tell him about the baby.

  But she couldn’t. He’d probably offer to marry her. And then instead of living happily ever after, he’d feel trapped. And resentful. And then they’d get divorced and she’d end up a single mom, juggling child care and joint custody, and slowly growing to hate him for being such an idiot.

  A therapist would say you’re fortune-telling and catastrophizing, Eva told herself, but she couldn’t make herself see past her terror. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

  “You ready to go?” Charlie asked her, picking up his laptop bag. He’d actually brought work home last night, for the first time, and he’d already packed clothes for his trip into his truck. Once again, he’d managed to do all of this without Eva having the slightest clue until he’d told her about it after the fact. It was as if he had an entirely separate life from what they did together. Which kind of sucked. She sighed, trying not to think about it, but her brain wouldn’t let it go. While Charlie was here, he was here, and Eva never felt left out or distant, but she couldn’t help but think that he’d closed a door, somehow, when she wasn’t looking. A door she didn’t have a key to. A door she wanted to open in the worst way, because she had a feeling that inside the room beyond was everything she’d ever wanted in her life.

  “Eva? You okay?” Charlie cupped her cheek. His light brown eyes twinkled at her fondly.

  He has no clue. Eva didn’t know how the hell she was going to do this without him. She had to call the doctor. She had to decide what came next in her life, and it terrified her. And she had to do all of it alone. Get a grip, girl. You’ve been alone before and you managed, she told herself as she smiled brightly at him. “I’m fine. I’m ready.”

  ****

  Charlie smiled as Eva waved him off, but as soon as his truck turned the corner, the happy expression slid off his face. He had to do something. What, he didn’t know, because he sure as hell didn’t want to break it off with her, but this thing between them had grown way out of proportion to what he’d intended.

  And if you break it off with her, you’re going to be a giant asshole, he mused grimly, not to mention that he didn’t really want to break it off. Why? Because nothing was wrong. Eva was perfect. She was his perfect woman: funny, brilliant, and so fucking gorgeous it made his heart ache in all the best ways. There was absolutely nothing wrong with anything, except that she was too fucking young for him, and that would never change. Not today, not tomorrow, and he sure as hell couldn’t ignore the past. So, he had to break it off for her sake. “Because she’s too fucking young for you, old man,” he said, savagely gunning the engine. The truck practically flew up the exit ramp to the interstate.

  The guilt that crawled up his spine almost every night was enough to keep him from sleeping. And Eva had noticed. He knew she had. And now he was lying to her about why he stood at her window, staring into the yard his best friend had planted and cared for. His dead best friend. Whose daughter Charlie was fucking, deliriously, every night and sometimes in the morning and afternoon, too, damn it all to hell.

  “You’re going to hell, and you’re going to deserve every moment you spend there,” he muttered, and then he firmly shut the door on those thoughts. He had work to do, and agonizing over something he couldn’t change wasn’t going to help him in any way.

  It wouldn’t help Eva, either.

  ****

  “How’s the little lady?” RJ asked later that day. They were driving together up to Maine, and of course the traffic on I95 was as hellish as ever.

  Charlie mentally ground his teeth at the question. Maybe if he didn’t answer, RJ would let it drop. He pretended to hum along with the song on the radio. Truth was, he had no idea what the hell was playing.

  “You’ve been really quiet about her lately.”

  Or maybe he won’t let it drop. Charlie shrugged, deliberately nonchalant. If RJ picked up on his unease, he’d be like a dog with an old bone: relentless and annoying. “She’s fine.”

  RJ made an “hmm” sound under his breath.

  “What?” Charlie glanced at his cousin, irritated. Why couldn’t the man just let it be? Oh, yeah. Because my life is never that simple, that’s why.

  “It’s just that I’ve noticed you’ve been really happy the past few months. Happy like I’ve never seen you before,” RJ told him, flicking the radio dial to a different station. A blaring rap song burst through
the speakers, and Charlie slapped RJ’s hand away and switched it back to his country music preset. “And then all of a sudden, you’ve suddenly become a cranky old man, which is kind of weird, considering you’re practically a baby, compared to me,” RJ added, settling back into his seat. “What gives? Did she dump you?”

  “No,” Charlie said tersely. How could he possibly explain to his friend how he was the one fucking it all up?

  “Please tell me you’re not still obsessing over the age thing,” RJ said, tapping the passenger window control. Up. Down. Up. Down. Outside, the traffic inched forward. An emergency vehicle passed them in the access lane on the right, lights flashing.

  “For God’s sake, stop with the fidgeting, RJ,” Charlie said, exasperated. “You’re killing me, here.” He wished he could set this entire interstate on fire, and all the traffic with it. Why the hell did people drive like idiots? He supposed the poor suckers in the crash up ahead were thinking the exact same thing.

  “So you are obsessing over the age thing. Or is it fear of commitment?” RJ leaned in and peered at Charlie’s face.

  “Stop it,” Charlie growled, pushing him away.

  RJ ignored him, leaning forward again to jab a finger in Charlie’s face. “You, my friend, are an idiot.”

  Tell me something I don’t know. Charlie scowled. “I’m screwing up her life. At first it was just a fling, but now…” He trailed off, not sure how to characterize what he and Eva had. A relationship? Sure. Yeah. A commitment? His entire psyche shied away from that. RJ had hit the nail on the head, like usual.

  “But now it’s gone way beyond fling status,” RJ said, completing Charlie’s sentence with his uncanny perceptiveness. “Why is that such a bad thing? Haven’t you ever thought about settling down? Starting a family?”

  A family implies children, which implies babies. Jesus. An image of Eva swollen with his child flashed through his head, and his dick twitched. The thought of her pregnant made him want to howl his possession of her to everyone. He’d have to marry her if that happened, and God help him if that thought didn’t actually send a tiny burst of happiness shooting right through him. What the fuck was wrong with him? She was too young. She was Phil’s daughter. Charlie tried to shrug the idea of marrying her away, but the image persisted.

  “You could do a lot worse than Eva, you know,” RJ added, clearly not done tormenting Charlie. “Have you ever actually considered what your life would be like without her? Seriously. Humor me and imagine how you’d feel if she was suddenly not there anymore. Imagine how you’d feel if she was dating some other guy.”

  I’d feel like pounding him into a bloody pulp. Charlie bit back a growl. The thought of Eva kissing someone else made him see red. The idea of her actually having sex with some other guy wasn’t a thing he could contemplate with any sort of calm. And a future without being able to go over to her house and fold her into his arms was too grim to dwell on. His entire being cringed away from the image. Eva felt like home to him. She felt like the best thing that had ever happened to him.

  How did I get myself into this situation? he wondered as the sick, twisted feeling in the pit of his stomach grabbed hold of his lungs and squeezed them until he couldn’t breathe right. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to teach her about sex, and then we were supposed to go our separate ways. He rubbed his eyes, wishing he could rub some sense into his heart, but he’d finally realized that wasn’t an option anymore. “Just … stop, okay? I can’t talk about this right now, RJ.”

  “Are you picturing it?” RJ prodded, clearly trying to test Charlie’s patience as he ignored his plea. “Can you see Eva with someone else’s ring on her finger? Raising someone else’s baby?”

  Charlie decided to just lay it all out there. “I’m fucking my dead best friend’s daughter, RJ. There’s no way to sugarcoat that kind of bullshit,” he said grimly. The guilt he felt was so thick he could almost chew on it, but his need for Eva was just as strong. He was so fucking fucked. “It’s wrong. And it’ll always be wrong, no matter what I want, or what Eva wants, or what anyone else thinks.”

  “So it’s just fucking then, is it?” RJ asked, like the jerk he was. “Just a sweet bit of pussy, huh?”

  Charlie tossed his cousin a glare. “Shut up, RJ. I swear to God, just shut it.” He saw an exit up ahead and put on his turn signal. He’d go mad if he had to sit in this traffic for much longer, especially with his damn cousin spouting off like an idiot. The car in front of him finally moved a few feet, thank Christ.

  “So, not just a sweet bit of—”

  “Don’t fucking say it, RJ,” Charlie cut him off angrily. “You’re family, and you’re also my friend, but that won’t stop me from decking you if I have to,” he snarled, barely keeping his shit together. “It’s not like that.” He swerved to catch the exit, ignoring the horn blaring at him from behind as he cut off another driver with the same idea. He sped down the ramp to the traffic light, then took a right, not knowing and not caring where he was going. He’d find a gas station and stretch his legs a bit. Maybe find a back route out of this mess.

  “What is it like, then?” RJ asked, obviously not a man who knew when the hell to shut up.

  Jesus Christ. I’m going to kill him, and no one will blame me. Charlie pulled into a service station and slammed the truck into a parking space. Very carefully, he turned the key to shut off the engine. If he wasn’t careful, he’d punch RJ in the face, and neither of them really wanted that. RJ didn’t speak, thank God. They sat there for a minute that felt like an eternity, listening to the engine tick before Charlie finally screwed up the courage to answer his cousin.

  “I think I’m going to have to marry her, RJ,” he said quietly, and then he put his head in his hands.

  ****

  Three hours later, Eva cursed herself for pretending she was okay. She needed a hug. She needed Charlie to stay home. Instead, she’d pecked him on the lips as he’d got into his truck, and then she’d walked to her bus stop, as if everything in her life was fine. It wasn’t. It really, really wasn’t fucking fine. She chewed her bottom lip, not caring that she’d already chapped it to the point of pain.

  “Hey, girl! How’s that hot silver fox boyfriend of yours?” Kyra asked, wandering over like she so often did in the morning. She wore a sleek, cream shift with red heels, and managed to look both professional and sexy. Eva didn’t know how she pulled it off. She felt like lasagna that had been heated up three times—stale and totally unappetizing.

  “Is he still making all your dreams come true?”

  Eva glanced at her friend, and then at the phone in her hand. She slowly put it down. She looked up at her friend, but her throat closed up before she could get any words out.

  “Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?” Kyra crouched down. Her dark eyes stared up at her with worry. “Eva?”

  Eva shook her head. She’d just set up an appointment with her doctor. It made everything feel very, very real. How in the hell was she going to deal with this? For the first time in a long, long time, she actually felt too young for her life. She felt naive and stupid. How could she have forgotten that antibiotics wrecked birth control pills? That stupid cold virus, bacterial strep, fucking plague thing had sabotaged her up, down, and sideways. She bit her lip, hard enough to draw blood this time, in an effort to keep from crying.

  “Oh, Kyra,” she said, voice cracking. She twisted her hands together. She would not cry at work. She wasn’t going to be that girl. Right? Right.

  “Did that idiot break up with you?” Kyra asked gently, taking her hands. “I will so totally kick his ass, if you need me to. You know that, right? I am here for you, sister.”

  Eva looked down into her friend’s kind brown eyes and burst into tears.

  Chapter Ten

  Eva looked at the notification on her phone, but declined the call. Again. Charlie had been unusually affectionate over the phone while he’d been away, especially since he’d had to extend his trip, but every time
they talked, she could barely keep it together. She’d started not answering. So, he’d started texting. She’d resorted to turning her phone off while at work. She told him she was busy, but she didn’t know if he was buying it. She wondered if he felt guilty that he’d had to stay away for longer than he’d promised. She missed him. His absence hurt her heart, even as she tried to convince herself that this time apart was a good thing. And it is a good thing, she reminded herself yet again. You need this time to get your shit together, remember?

  “He still texting?” Kyra asked, sucking loudly at her smoothie. They were at lunch in the small deli across the street from their building. They’d gone later than usual to beat the busy noon hour, so they had a table to themselves for once.

  Eva sighed. “This was a call, actually, but yeah. It’s Charlie.”

  “Just tell him about the baby, Eva,” Kyra said. She picked up her napkin and dabbed at the foam on her lip. “You’re being an idiot.”

  No, I’m being a coward. That’s worse. Eva shook her head, dismissing those thoughts. They weren’t helping. “You don’t understand, Kyra. He never wanted to be in a relationship with me. I’m positive he doesn’t want to have a kid with me.” She picked up her plastic fork and then set it back down. She really wasn’t hungry. Wasn’t being pregnant supposed to make you ravenous? Instead, she felt vaguely anxious and nauseated most days, and eating required a great deal of focus on her part, something she also lacked, lately.

  Kyra nodded. “So, abortion?”

  “What the heck, Kyra?” Eva recoiled, glaring at her friend. “No! Seriously? Do you even know me?” The thought of ending her pregnancy made her want to puke, and she’d already been doing enough of that. She imagined a baby with Charlie’s eyes, and then had to swallow bile. No. No abortion for her. She didn’t know what she was going to do yet, but it wouldn’t be that. She might not be in an ideal situation to have a baby, but she’d figure something out. She always did. She stared at her friend, not surprised when Kyra’s expression told her she was trying to goad Eva into talking. Damn it. Best friends can be really annoying sometimes, especially when they’re trying to help.