How Long Is Forever?

by Erin M. Leaf

  “I don’t know what to do,” she said in a small voice.

  “It’s okay. I’m here. You don’t have to figure it out alone,” Charlie said, kissing her forehead.

  “Okay,” she said, shuddering.

  Charlie stroked her hair back from her face. “Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to pull up your pants and we’re going to call your doctor and see what she says.” He twisted and rummaged around in the cabinet under the sink until he spotted her sanitary pads. “Here.” He grabbed one and helped her peel the paper tabs off the back, revealing the sticky strips that held it secure. “This should tide you over until we can decide what to do.” He helped her secure it to her panties. “Now we’re going to wash your face so you feel better.”

  “Okay,” she said, agreeing with him too easily as he helped her stand up and rinse her tears away.

  That more than anything told Charlie she was too exhausted to think. I’ll just have to do it for her, for now. He helped her pull her pants on over her panties, and then he brushed her hair into a loose ponytail for her while she called her doctor. He listened to her explain her symptoms as she slumped on top of the toilet seat. He wanted to kick himself all over again for not noticing how unhappy she’d really been the last several weeks. His knees were killing him from the hard tile floor, and the bathroom cabinet door pull dug into his shoulder blade, but he’d crouch here forever if he had to, in order to keep Eva safe. When she finally hung up and looked at him, his heart tripped against his ribcage at the expression on her face.

  “She said we should go to the ER.”

  ****

  Eva sat in Charlie’s truck, feeling like a used-up washcloth—frayed and thin and ready for the trash bin. She wasn’t used to feeling so helpless, but she supposed a possible miscarriage was enough to flatten even a superwoman. She rubbed her face again. At this rate, she’d rub all the skin right off and end up looking like a monster.

  “Almost there,” Charlie said, sounding calm and impossibly reassuring.

  “Thanks, Charlie,” she said. She wondered when the other shoe would drop. Charlie hadn’t said a word about the baby, and he hadn’t seemed mad at all, so she didn’t have a clue about how he really felt. Was he angry? Sad? Frightened? His calm demeanor told her nothing. She almost felt like screaming at him, but she just couldn’t muster up the energy for it.

  “I’m going to drop you off and then park in the front lot, okay?” he told her, touching her knee.

  Eva nodded. What else could she do?

  A half hour later she was in one of the bays in the emergency room, waiting for a portable ultrasound device to be rolled in. Charlie stood next to the bed, holding her hand. “I’m just so sorry, Charlie,” she couldn’t help saying. Again. As if it would change anything at all. She bit back a sob. The pad in her panties was wet and uncomfortable, and she was terrified to go to the bathroom to check how much she was still bleeding. She rubbed her eyes. The incessant beeping from the other bays hurt her head. Everything about this place triggered bad memories of being with her stepdad and her mother when they were sick. Doesn’t everyone die after being in the hospital? she mused. My baby is going to die, too. She touched her abdomen with her free hand. She couldn’t feel anything.

  “Eva, honey. Stop. You didn’t do anything to be sorry about,” Charlie said again, for maybe the thousandth time. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”

  Wait, what? She frowned up at him. “What? No. You’ve always been truthful with me about everything. You told me from the beginning that this wasn’t going to be a long-term relationship. I knew that going in.”

  He just looked at her, and for a moment, she’d swear she saw guilt on his face. That terrified her. She didn’t want his guilt. She wanted his love.

  “Actually, that’s not true,” Charlie finally said. “I lied about not wanting more than a hookup or a short-term fling.” He looked away for a moment. “I was afraid of how I felt about you.” He turned back then, and looked her straight in the eyes. “I’ve always loved you.”

  Eva nearly stopped breathing. Wait, what? What did he just say? But before she could work herself into a frenzy, he sighed and sat down on the bed, resting his forehead on her hand. His skin felt very, very warm. When her turned his head and kissed her fingers, his light brown eyes were blurred with tears.

  “I fell in love with you the first moment we made love, Eva,” he said, looking at her steadily. “And I knew from then on out that I wouldn’t be able to let you go. I knew what we had wasn’t going to be just sex. I lied to you because I was lying to myself.”

  Eva struggled to inhale. She couldn’t believe the words he’d just said. Am I dreaming?

  Charlie held himself absolutely still, like a man about to leap from the edge of a cliff. “And I was a fool for denying it. I was a fool for never telling you how I felt all the weeks we spent together, and for pretending that it would only ever be about the sex.” He shook his head. “I’m an ass, Eva, and I am so very sorry I ever, ever, made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me.” He paused, seeming to gather himself. “About anything.” He smiled. “Especially about having a baby. That’s just…” Charlie broke off and shook his head. “It’s amazing, Eva.”

  Eva clutched his hand like a lifeline. For so long she’d felt like she was drowning, and now here he was, pulling her up above the water when she least expected it. “I thought you’d be angry,” she whispered, feeling tears well up again. “I didn’t know what to do. That’s why I didn’t want to talk to you when you were away. I knew you’d be able to hear it in my voice.”

  “Angry? No, never. I could never be angry about this.” Charlie leaned in and kissed her softly. “I’d be honored to be the father of your child, Eva.”

  She started crying again. Somehow, he’d said exactly what she needed most to hear. “Charlie—” she began, but he put a finger on her lips.

  “No, let me talk. I haven’t done enough talking, and I regret that, deeply,” he told her, voice breaking. He took a deep breath. “If the worst happens, and I’m not saying it will, but if it does, I’ll grieve with you.” He swallowed, gripping her hand. “And then I’ll give you another baby, if you want one. But I hope we don’t have to grieve. I hope that this is just a blip on the radar.” He gestured to her lap.

  Before she could respond, a nurse walked in followed by a tech rolling the portable ultrasound cart. “Okay, it’s time to find out just what’s happening here,” the nurse said cheerfully as the tech began setting up her equipment.

  Eva looked at Charlie and he nodded at her reassuringly, then stood up by the bed. He didn’t let go of her hand, and Eva didn’t want him to. She clutched it like a lifeline.

  “Is this the father?” the nurse asked, glancing at Charlie. “Do you want him to stay in the room with you?”

  Eva took a deep breath. For the first time in a long time, even though she had no idea what would happen, she felt just the tiniest bit less terrified of her future. She looked at Charlie only to find him gazing at her steadily, strong and solid. She knew then that she’d always be able to hold onto him, even when the world turned upside down. He was here for her now, when she needed him desperately, and he always would be. She believed in him, because he believed in her.

  “Yes, he’s the father, and he’s staying right here,” she said to the nurse, and then she leaned back, ready to find out the future.

  Chapter Twelve

  Charlie watched Eva sleep in his bed at his house. After the ultrasound tech had done her thing, with the nurse assisting, the OB/GYN on call at the hospital had come in and reassured them both that the bleeding was just a transitory thing. To say he’d been relieved was seriously understating matters. Eva had gone limp in his arms at the news, and he knew then that he’d never let her go again. He only hoped that she would forgive him for being such a stubborn ass these past few months.

  “You’re mine, sweetheart. You and the little one,” he murmured, reassured by her stead
y breathing. He touched her cheek lightly, then drew her closer when she wrinkled her nose in her sleep. She was adorable. He kissed her nose, and she huffed out a breath in her sleep.

  Thank God she’s okay, he thought, closing his eyes against her hair. The underlying antiseptic scent of the hospital that clung to her was slowly fading as her warmth pressed her own unique perfume into his bed. He could feel the tension slowly draining out of his body. When the tech had pulled up Eva’s paper gown, her softly rounded stomach hadn’t looked pregnant. If anything, Eva looked as if she’d lost weight, and he’d vowed then and there to take care of Eva properly from now on. She shouldn’t have to worry about anything, least of all him and his damned stubbornness, especially when she’d been so sick from carrying their child. And I didn’t even notice, he thought, angry all over again at his idiocy.

  Eva stirred, and he stroked her arm until she settled down again. Surprisingly, it settled him down, too. It felt like a dream that she could be pregnant, and it seemed impossible that he could fall in love with an unborn baby so easily and so quickly, but then he’d seen the little blip on the screen for himself, and that had been it. Game over. The tiny bean had a faint heartbeat. He’d even been able to hear it while Eva had sighed and held his hand so tightly he’d lost feeling in his fingers. He couldn’t even begin to wrap his head around what it felt like to know that he was going to be a father in a few short months.

  “Mmm, Charlie?” Eva said, snuggling closer to him. She opened her eyes, blinking adorably, and then she frowned through a yawn. “Where are we?” She glanced around the dimly lit room.

  “I took you home, honey. Don’t you remember? You fell asleep in my truck,” he said, sliding a hand down her curly, bed mussed hair. “You were exhausted after everything that happened, and the doctor said you needed rest more than anything else right now.” He smiled, imagining her ensconced in his house. “No work for a week.”

  “Home?” Eva looked at him groggily, then glanced around before yawning again. Her curly hair was mashed on one side of her head, and she had a pillow crease down her cheek.

  She’d never looked more beautiful to him.

  “No worries,” he told her, heart so full he thought it might actually burst. “You’re safe here.” He had to swallow against the ache in his throat. It could so easily have gone badly. She could’ve died, along with the baby, from any number of terror-inducing problems. He remembered his mother explaining to him how hard pregnancy and birth were on the body, and that was why she’d only had two children. Charlie never thought he’d marry, let alone fall in love and end up having children at all, and now he remembered every word his mother had said. Eva’s pregnancy was a surprise, in more ways than one. But a good surprise, he thought.

  “But this isn’t my home.” Eva sat up, interrupting his train of thought, and he tucked a pillow behind her back so she could rest against the headboard of his bed. She looked perfect there. She looked perfect in his bed. In this room. He was pleased now that he’d chosen the white faux-leather upholstered bed frame, although when he’d picked it out, he hadn’t been sure because he’d thought it was too feminine. He glanced around, wondering what Eva saw. He’d painted the room a soothing sage green, and the furniture was a lovely deep walnut that he’d fallen in love with when he saw it at the warehouse. He hoped she liked it here, but if she didn’t, he’d tear everything down and remake it all over again for her. He’d buy, or hell, handcraft whatever she wanted. He’d built the entire house himself, with only minimal help from some contractor friends, and he could unbuild it if he had to. I’d do anything for her.

  “This is your bedroom, isn’t it?” Eva asked him, looking more awake. “It feels like you.” She half smiled. “It smells like you.” She touched the headboard, and then the pillows. “I like it. You chose soothing colors.”

  “Yes.” Charlie smiled. “It’s my bedroom. I’m glad you like it.” He couldn’t stop the giddy feeling rising in his chest. It just felt so good to have her here, in his space. He’d never brought another woman home, and he’d never wanted to, but with Eva, he’d been fighting his instincts for the past two months. He’d known almost immediately that she would look wonderful in his bed, and he hadn’t been wrong. Her chestnut hair and soft, pale skin looked divine against his dark green sheets.

  Eva stared at him, eyes luminous in the soft light. “What now?”

  “You’re in my home.” He took a deep breath, trying to calm the jitters that had just woken up in his stomach as he contemplated the question he was about to ask her. What if she said no? What if she wanted him to bring her back to her house in town? “And I hope you’ll make it yours, too,” he finally said, voice low. He couldn’t bring himself to speak the words any louder.

  Eva stared at him. “Are you asking me to move in?” She seemed shocked. Even after everything that he’d said, her expression told him she was genuinely surprised by his words.

  If that surprised her, then this is going to shock her speechless. Charlie steeled himself to get on with the rest of it, then slowly reached into the pocket of his jeans to extract the ring box he’d brought with him from New York, and then to the hospital, and now to his house. Her gaze on him felt wonderful, but also terrifying.

  “Charlie?” Her attention was riveted on the box in his hand.

  He fingered the soft velvet. “Eva, I’m asking you to marry me.” He looked down, feeling suddenly bashful. He had to explain to her that he wasn’t proposing just because of the baby. That point seemed urgently relevant. “I bought this in a little shop in upstate New York near the lumber mill I’d gone up there to see. I realized yesterday that I was being unbelievably stupid.” He opened the box, showing her the pale pink emerald engagement ring he’d picked out.

  Eva gasped, staring at the ring, and he smiled at her stunned expression. The color of the stone reminded him of her blushes, and he knew pink was her favorite color, so when he’d seen the unique gem in a delicate rose gold setting, he’d bought it immediately, despite the hefty price. Eva was worth everything to him. What was a little money when it came to her happiness? “I realized that I was destroying any chance we could have at happiness with my stubbornness,” he told her hesitantly. “I hope you’ll forgive me.”

  Eva’s gaze flew up to his face. Charlie’s heart knocked against his ribcage. Her startling hazel eyes were wide and bright.

  God. She’s so fucking beautiful. Eva was the only woman who could flatten him with just a look. He slid to his knees beside the bed. “Evangeline Ruston, will you do me the very great honor of becoming my wife?”

  ****

  Eva reached out a trembling hand, and Charlie grasped it. She could feel his hand shake, too, which was almost more shocking than the proposal. He decided to do this before he knew about the baby, she realized, and that was the thing that decided her. That and the hints of worry and remorse she could see as she gazed into his eyes. He’d finally figured it out. She saw it in the way he held himself, so still, but filled with nervous energy. She saw it in the way he gripped her hand. She saw it in his heart.

  “Eva?” Charlie asked, voice low and soft.

  She nodded, gripping his fingers hard. He was her lifeline, after all. “Yes,” she said, barely able to get the word out before she burst into tears. “Yes, I’ll marry you, Charlie.” She gasped as he surged up and pulled her into his arms.

  “Thank God,” he muttered against her hair. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you’d said no.”

  “Why would I say no? I love you. I always have.” Eva tried not to cry, but who could blame her? The crush she’d always known she shouldn’t indulge in had just culminated in the most epic declaration ever. Charlie loved her! He’d proposed! I must be dreaming, she thought, holding onto him as if he were about to vanish in a puff of smoke.

  “I love you, too, sweetheart,” he told her, arms around her so tight she thought she might not be able to breathe.

  She didn’t care. Who needs air? s
he thought, tipping her head back to see his face. He seized the moment and kissed her, then leaned back, taking the ring out of the box. Oh, right. The ring. She watched, bemused, as he brought it to her hand. It was funny how the piece of jewelry felt so secondary to Charlie’s emotional declaration.

  “Here,” he said, sliding it onto her finger.

  She smiled, ignoring the tears streaming down her face. The lovely pink gem winked up at her, and she turned her hand this way and that, letting the light catch it. “It fits perfectly, Charlie. It’s so beautiful.” She hugged him, crying harder. When she drew back to look at it again, he kissed the palm of her hand, then each fingertip, one by one.

  “I hoped it would fit,” he said, and she could tell he was smiling by his voice, but she didn’t want to tear her eyes away from her ring to make sure.

  “I love it. Pink is my favorite color,” she whispered. She couldn’t have picked out a more perfect ring if she’d chosen it herself. She admired it for a moment longer, then closed her fingers around the band. “You’re sure about the baby, too?” Her voice wavered, but she had to ask. She couldn’t help it. She’d spent too long worrying about what he was going to do when she finally told him. She needed reassurance. She needed him.

  “Oh, honey, yes,” Charlie said, closing her in his arms again. “I’m happy. I’m so fucking happy. I never thought I’d ever have kids, and I never thought I’d fall in love, and here I am. You’ve taught me so much. You’ve given me a family. I haven’t had one of those in a long time.” He kissed her temple. “I’m sorry I was such an idiot.”

  His words were all the reassurance she needed. Well, that and the proposal, she thought, amused at herself. A proposal is a very tangible thing when it comes with a ring as expensive as this one looks to be. She glanced down at it again as happiness spread through her. “It’s okay. I never thought this would happen for me, either. I’d never even been on a real date with a man who wanted me, until you,” Eva said, cupping his face in her hands. The thought of how many guys had turned her down made her grimace, but Charlie kissed her and she had to grin at his expression. Their age difference didn’t feel like anything at all anymore. “Charlie, we’re going to get married! And have a baby!” she exclaimed, doing a little wiggle on the bed.