Bruises circled my neck where Elias had choked me. Still, it was the fang scars that drew most of my attention.
If Inola erased my memories, I would be free. More free than I was now, at least. No more living in fear. I would remember nothing.
I traced the fang scars on my left wrist. I couldn’t imagine looking at my scars and thinking nothing of them.
But I would go back to seeing Grandma and my friends. That would put them in danger unless I specified for Inola to Control me otherwise. I would be more alone than I was now until others entered my life, and I would unknowingly put them in danger just by caring about them. Because of Elias, I could never have a family.
I would forget Gabriel, but would what I felt be gone? I couldn’t imagine anything, including mind control, making the complicated mess inside my heart disappear. It was too intense. Too raw. Too unpredictable.
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket, staring at his name.
Whatever choice I made was going to have more of an impact on my life than anything I had ever chosen before. If Inola took away my memories, only she could give them back, and I knew her well enough to know that nothing Gabriel could do would make her return them. Gabriel, Thomas, and Inola would be forever lost to me.
But if I asked Gabriel to come to me, it would seal an invisible contract. He would no longer be a part of my life from the shadows. Gabriel had a nearly unbreakable will, but I had felt from the source that when it came to me, I was the exception to many rules. Not only would he not have the willpower to leave me, I wouldn’t have the strength to send him away again. My fading resolve had been part of the reason why I’d refused to look at him earlier even though I’d wanted him more than anything.
I knew if I had seen him, that would have been it. My darkest desires would have finally won.
I walked to my room and sat down on the bed. What was it about Gabriel that made me love him? I refused to believe it was only because we were Eternals. I wasn’t going to deny there was indeed something almost mystical about being near him, but my choice had to be there. So why choose a vampire, someone who had kidnapped and nearly killed me? Was I actually drawn to his dark nature? Because I had felt his sorrows, his joy, his regrets? Because I understood them?
No one loved like Gabriel. The fervor in his heart, strong enough that it should be impossible, was not just for me but also for Thomas, Inola, and Lucy.
But I was who he loved the most. He was also the most loyal person I had ever known.
Then there were the times I’d seen him hurt, both in reality and in his memories. He’d never made a sound. It hadn’t just been because of his nearly limitless bravery, but also because a part deep inside of him had always felt he deserved the pain being inflicted upon him, and I truly wanted to heal him of that self-hatred.
If I was completely honest with myself, I didn’t understand all of the reasons why I loved Gabriel. And if I lost my memories, I would never fully understand.
My fingers dug into the quilt. My life had been dark. He had made it darker. Then it had pulsed with light.
I wasn’t the only light in the darkness.
I went to the window and looked outside. Still cloudy, and the sun was going down. I gripped the cell phone and pushed the call button. The first ring didn’t even finish before he answered.
“Kara?”
My pulse thumped unevenly at his voice.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“I . . . I’m not sure. Are you nearby?”
“I’m at the mansion. I just finished reporting to Jasmina about what happened. You’re not alone. Both Thomas and Inola are outside your house.”
I pressed my hand to the windowpane. “Gabriel . . . I lied to you earlier. I . . . I do want you. Can you come to me? Please?”
His sharp intake of breath made my knees go weak. “Just the blink of an eye and I’ll be there.”
I smiled. “Be careful. I don’t know what Elias is up to. I don’t know what’s going to happen next.”
“Don’t worry for me. I’m on my way.”
I hung up and sat down on the ground. I closed my eyes. Every heartbeat was its own eternity.
He was so silent upon entering my dogs didn’t bark. I didn’t even hear him shut my bedroom door, but somehow, I knew when he was there.
I opened my eyes. He stood across the room from me, his black clothes blending in with the darkness. His glowing eyes made me tremble. And the look on his face—he looked as if we had been apart for centuries.
“Hi,” I whispered.
His eyes were molten emeralds. “Hey.”
I stood up shakily. “Gabriel, it’s Inola. She said she was going to Control away my memories if I didn’t ask for you.”
He took a step forward. “I won’t let her do that. No one is going to take anything from you, I promise.”
I nodded, relieved. I was so happy to finally see him. I felt as if my insides were going to burst, but I also felt like I was about to go into shock.
He was here. He was really here.
“Your heart is going even faster than usual,” he remarked quietly.
I smiled. “Inola’s threat pushed me to ask for you, but I regret not doing it sooner. Gabriel . . .”
Not able to hold back a second longer, I ran to him. He opened his arms for me and clutched me to his body. I squeezed him as hard as humanly possible.
“I saw you dead. I thought you were dead. . . .”
He smoothed my hair. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.”
I gripped his T-shirt. “I need to tell you something.”
“I’m here, my heart. Tell me.”
I buried my face into his chest, not sure if I could look at him while I confessed. “I don’t know how much you know or how much you’ve felt from me, but I just really want you to hear it. I need to hear it myself.” Tears filled my eyes. “I am torn. A part of me still hates you. I don’t know if it will ever go away. I don’t think that part of me will ever allow myself to forgive you, but I don’t hate you to the point of wanting you dead or hurt.”
His heartbeat was very slow as it thumped against my cheek. “I know,” he whispered.
“And then there is another part of me. The part that . . . is in love with you. I do love you, Gabriel. I fought against it so hard, but every day it seemed to wear away at my anger more and more. I love how you have a temper just like me and how you accept me for exactly who I am. I love your loyalty and the protectiveness you have for those you care about. I missed you, more than I have ever missed anyone. I wanted to see you. And I had to be honest with myself about all of this even though I didn’t want to. Gabriel, I don’t know what to do. I just know I am terrified of never seeing you again!”
His hands went to my face, gently making me look at him. Vampire eyes gleamed at me in the dark. “I have felt all of this from you, but to actually hear you say that you love me means more to me than you know.” He rested his head on top of mine, and I heard him inhale deeply. “I am just so sorry you are in so much danger because of me.”
“And now he knows I love you,” I murmured. “I know he’ll find out I’ve confessed my feelings to you. If he sees us together, he will know. . . . ”
“He will not touch you. I won’t let him. I won’t let my defenses drop again so easily.”
“So it was Felicity and Emma?” I asked.
“Most likely, but I cannot prove it, and they both have conveniently disappeared. The entire coven is searching for them. I was just about to go and find them myself so I could stake them. And after I found and killed them, I was going to come to you whether you wanted me or not, but then you called me.”
I looked up at him. His neck was arched away from me, and I could no longer see his face.
“Gabriel?”
He shuddered slightly, removing his arms from me and turning away. My stomach dropped in response.
“Forgive me, Kara. It’s just . . . I . . .”<
br />
I nodded, understanding. “You’re thirsty.”
His fist rested against the wall above his head. “Only because it has been so long since I have been this close to you. I have been drinking adequately, and yes, I have only been using blood bags. I have not gone back on my word.”
“Thank you.”
He leaned against the wall. “It’s just hard going back to the pain of thirst after having it gone.” He shook his head. “Forget I said that. I don’t want you thinking that’s why I came to see you.”
“I don’t think that at all. I know that’s not why you’re here.” I touched his arm shyly. “But . . . is me being near you too difficult? Do you want to leave?”
He whirled around, his movements silent and blindingly fast. “Of course I don’t want to leave. And I can handle being near you.” He smiled. “Just bear with me a bit is all. I may need to collect myself from time to time.”
I smiled automatically at his smile. My cheeks burning, I looked down.
His hand reached out and tilted my chin up. “Don’t look away from me, Kara.”
I shook, his touch electricity on my skin. I tangled my fingers into the fabric of his shirt. He leaned down toward me, and I moved my hands up to his hair. His arms encircled around me, and I was suddenly against the wall, his cold body pinning me there. His lips captured mine, and our mouths moved against one another in perfect harmony. It was tender at first, and then the fire in my cells ignited, and the kiss heated, deepened.
Tears fell from my eyes. My breath hitched, breaking the kiss.
He caressed my face. “It’s all right. I’m here.”
His words only made me cry harder. “You understand what’s wrong because you can feel me right now, can’t you? But I can’t feel you. I can’t feel you. . . .”
He kissed my forehead. “Do you want it back?”
“Yes. Please give it back.”
Glowing eyes became my world. “Feel me again, Kara. Feel our blood connection.”
The whirlwind of emotions and memories that rushed into me made me lose all control of my muscles. Pressure exploded behind my temples as the pictures and feelings stabbed at my brain.
Gabriel caught me before I fell to the floor.
He loved me. I loved him. He was so mentally tired from not sleeping. His hatred for Elias, Emma, Felicity. Me missing him. Me going to college, him watching from the shadows. Lucy. Mom. Thirst. Dad. Blood. Victims. Everything blurred, going faster and faster.
He loved me. I still hated him. More than the hate was the love. And the speck of light that was becoming acceptance, forgiveness.
Gabriel picked me up and brought me to the bed. He looked at me worriedly. I could feel his worry.
“I’m all right,” I managed. “It’s just a lot to take in. Your emotions are so intense.”
He lay down on the bed next to me and wiped my tears from my face. “Can you feel that I love you?”
I smiled. “Yes. Yes, I can feel your love. It grew.”
He smiled as well. “It grows every second, Kara.”
I pulled him to me, crushing my lips against his. Lightning pulsed between us, striking with every breath. I almost melted when his tongue slipped inside my mouth, but nearly as soon as it did, he pulled away, gasping. His fangs were out.
I wasn’t afraid. I could feel from him what wanting my blood meant.
“It’s ok,” I whispered, stroking his face. “I want you to.”
“Kara . . .”
“Love me, Gabriel. Love me the way only a vampire can.”
It had taken everything he had to hold back, but my words, lack of fear, and desire for him to do it crushed his defenses. He pushed my curls away from my neck.
“This won’t hurt you, Kara. The more I love you, the better it feels,” he said before sinking his fangs into my neck.
There was absolutely no pain. Indeed, there was the opposite. Ardent bliss filled me. It was heaven, euphoria, light.
It was love.
I was being consumed by him, by this intensity. I wanted every single part of him. I clung to him, hardly even aware of my physical body and almost ignorant of the fact that I was tearing at his neck with my bitten fingernails, desperate to draw his blood and complete the act.
The bliss faded when his fangs left my body. My blood dripped from his lips.
“Do you realize what it is that you want? What it means to blood share like this? Drinking one another's blood at the same time is the ultimate expression of love to a vampire,” he said vehemently, his voice rough.
“Please," I begged. The dark desires in me were winning. He was finally here with me. I couldn’t stop now.
He pinned himself on top of me more securely, his eyes never leaving mine as he drew his nails across the side of his neck.
“As long as you keep drinking, it won’t heal,” he said before leaning down toward me.
I grabbed his shoulders and closed my lips around the wound at his neck just as his fangs embedded themselves once again in my skin, sending a rush through my body and once again filling me with light.
And then I felt it. His soul. I could actually feel his soul, and he could feel mine. His soul was a mirror image of my own, but his was shadowed, darkened because he had died.
There were no words in existence to describe what was happening to us. Inside the void of our minds, he was there. I saw him so clearly, finally understanding every single aspect of him. The hatred I felt very nearly evaporated.
How could I hate someone who loved me so, someone who had lost so much, someone who felt so much regret?
I wasn’t strong enough; I was losing myself in him. I was human and couldn’t comprehend the sensations. I very nearly lost consciousness, but he held me up. He didn’t want me to fade now, not like this. Not when we were more connected than even possible.
“Gabriel . . . this is . . .” I lost my ability to speak, unable to discern him from me.
“I love you, Kara. . . .”
“Kara? Kara, talk to me.”
The world swam into focus. Gabriel loomed over me, his expression anxious. He lightly stroked my cheek. “Can you see me? Can you hear me?”
I nodded, licking my lips. The blood on them tasted incredible. I remembered how it used to be tasteless; now it was the sweetest nectar.
“What happened?”
Relief radiated on his face. “You’ve been lying here staring at me for five minutes now, trance-like. I could feel you were unharmed, but I think we consumed too much. We replenished one another, so blood loss was not the issue, but you’re human, and I think the connection deepened too quickly and overwhelmed your senses.”
I was mesmerized. “Your soul. I actually felt it.”
He smiled at me tenderly, the love in his eyes raw. “And I felt yours.”
I was still so connected to him I literally could not tell which breath was mine. “We really are Eternals. I know that now without a doubt. Our souls were exactly the same except for the shadow on yours.”
He nodded, and I felt the muscles in his neck move as if they were my own. “Yes. But even if you weren’t my Eternal, I would love you this much anyway.”
I smiled, and then my brow furrowed. “Maybe we should have slept together first. You were right. That was way more intimate than sex ever could be.”
Worry coursed through him, but he could feel that I didn’t regret anything, and the worry was erased. Mischief gleamed in his eyes. “Unless you blood share during sex.”
I giggled. “I think I’m spent for now. Anything more and I might explode.”
His lips caressed my forehead. “Whatever you want, whenever you are ready. It is in your control.”
I couldn’t tear my gaze from his. “Am I . . . is there something wrong with me for feeling the way I do about you? For wanting this?”
He lay by my side, his hand lazily moving up my thigh. Sparks fluttered wherever he touched me. “The only one in this room who has something wrong with them
is me,” he answered.
“Because you’ve killed people?” I whispered.
His eyes gleamed. “It is a vampire’s nature to kill, but we have free will. Whether we choose to act on blind instinct or control our thirst is purely a reflection of who we truly are inside.”
“But you didn’t kill to cause suffering. You killed because you were thirsty and because you wanted to feel something besides hatred and sorrow. I’m not saying it was right, but . . .”
He studied me intently. “Are you listening to yourself? You are actually making excuses for me. Please don’t. I am ashamed of what I have done in my past. The saddest part is that it took you to show me just how wrong I was. I should not have been so blinded by my own apathy. . . . I will carry my regrets forever.”
His guilt was inside my heart, sharp and deep. “I will help you carry it. You don’t have to do it alone,” I murmured softly inside his head.
He kissed me. There was always such a desperate feel to the way his lips moved against mine. He was afraid. Afraid of losing me, of losing himself again to darkness. Afraid of the beads of horror that lingered in my heart because of the turn of events.
We were once again consumed by each other, so much so that even though we were more connected than we’d ever been, neither one of us was aware of my hand reaching behind him toward my nightstand.
My nightstand where I kept a stake.
I screamed when the blood exploded against my chest. White-hot pain seared my lungs.
My hand gripped the stake, the stake that was now embedded deeply inside Gabriel’s back, one inch away from his heart. Gabriel stared at me in confused horror as I stabbed him again.
Then again. And again. Blood was everywhere.
“Kara!” Gabriel cried. “Stop! You’re hurting yourself!”
I was. I felt every inch of pain I was inflicting on him as if I were stabbing myself instead of him.
And that was what hurt the most. Even now, even in this, he worried only for me.
I couldn’t stop. My cells felt as if they were about to explode the more I fought against it. I couldn’t stop screaming, couldn’t stop crying. Gabriel fell onto the floor, the impact vibrating my bones. My chest was on fire. I was dizzy from Gabriel losing so much blood.
Rapid Pulse (Violet Memory Book 1) Page 18