Today's Edition
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inside, you know she really wants it.”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? The Bunker is a utopia, the very definition of the word embodied in thought and practice. The pinnacle of social and economic achievement, human beings could not possibly hope to improve upon it. Be that as it may, there are social deviants among us. Actively seeking to undo the very fabric of our prosperity and happiness, sometimes in the line of duty our security forces are fortunate enough to take one alive. In almost every case, this despicable vermin possesses actionable intelligence of use in the pursuit of his accomplices but is unwilling to share that information. What to do? The hardworking citizens over at Homeland Security have been charged with a sensitive task. Extracting confessions from vicious criminals requires methods that most of us would shirk from. Unfortunately, such tools are indispensable to the ongoing struggle against terror. Designed to induce an overwhelming sense of helplessness and ensure a speedy path to full disclosure, there is no other way to ensure these traitors' cooperation. If there were, we wouldn't be having this discussion. The gallant interrogators over at Homeland Security are trying to keep us safe, and so every indulgence must be afforded them, however contrary to our most basic and cherished beliefs. Remember, interrogators are people, too, our neighbors and friends. There is no need to be afraid of them. Next time you run into one, go up and shake her hand. Thank her profusely. After all, there's little else standing between you and hopeless anarchy. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
The boys over at Control have decided that we do not sufficiently appreciate the value of contractions in our speech and writing. Therefore, over the next daystretch, use of any contraction whatsoever is strictly forbidden. Remember to say I am instead of – well, you know what we mean. The difficulties encountered should serve to remind us that contractions are the unsung heroes of grammatical efficiency. Also, the cleaning stations in sectors U-13 through U-20 will be off limits due to regularly scheduled maintenance. During that time, citizens who must relieve themselves will anticipate their bodily needs in a timely fashion and find an alternative in another sector. Thank you for your cooperation.
The Color of the Patriot is sepia.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
The annual Shark Swim hosted last weekstretch by the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino T-4 sector was an astounding success. Held over the course of three daystretches, vast crowds swarmed the facilities to observe the spectacles. There had been some concern that environmental irregularities outside the Wellness Pyramid – located on the main artery leading to the festival grounds – would hamper attendance, but these treacherous nay-sayers were proven wrong by the event. Citizens behaved with the restraint and discipline such large gatherings require, waiting patiently for a place in one of the three queues at the gated entrance. By all accounts, no queue ever swelled past the patriotic and mandatory limit of twenty-five persons. Rumors that some citizens never made it into the festival grounds even though they had purchased a ticket are subversive and unfounded. This yearstretch's Shark Swim champion, citizen Hamar Quail, has not been seen in public since his coronation and subsequent Fifteen Minutes of Fame. However, a fanclub has been set up on X.net where loyal citizens everywhere can demonstrate their enthusiasm for the Bunker's most accomplished athlete without having to fawn over him in person. You are invited to participate!
On a related note, celebrity manager and citizen, Milfred Roth, was spotted in the vicinity of the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino accompanied by a thought leader from Central Management. Holed up in a mobile executive suite, he could easily be seen through the curved and elegant plastex walls as he urgently made calls on his PA and fired people. Some have therefore speculated that a terrible disaster must have unfolded in T-4 sector. Rest assured, citizens, that nothing could be further from the truth. Citizen Milfred was scheduled to put in an appearance at the Shark Swim, but due to a sudden and unforeseen corporate merger and the attendant redundancies, he was unable to make the appointment. The thought leader, too, was not present in her official capacity but merely as a spectator. The Shark Swim event was a resounding success.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Homeland Security is a valuable if imposing organization. As long as there are traitors among us, its unique blend of services and expertise cannot be missed. For this reason, it is regrettable when citizens play games that interfere with the smooth operation of its investigative apparatus. Knowingly submitting false or misleading claims, tips or other such nonsense is no innocent prank. Lives are at stake. Your forms have to be read and processed, which slows down the legitimate business at hand. So before you decide to jump on the bandwagon, think again. Homeland Security is no joke. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
On a lighter note, a dance troupe consisting solely of Wards of the State will be entertaining shoppers outside the entrance to the metro station in corridors S-8/AA-455 and S-8/AA-463. These cute and adorable adolescents are just irresistible in their sparkly outfits and tassels. See for yourself as they buck and sway to various artistic renditions of the Anthem of the Patriot!
And now for some public service announcements.
Homeland Security has put out an advisory stating that reports of disappearances in the vicinity of the Wellness Pyramid or Mystic River Racetrack and Casino will no longer be tolerated. Any citizen submitting a 'MISSING PERSON INFORMATION REQUEST' Form 0x000108D3 with reference to T-4 sector will immediately be fined one hundred credits and fitted with a restraint.
The Color of the Patriot is wildfire.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Ratatouille Cleaning (TM)! A private firm associated with H&C, we are quickly establishing ourselves as the Bunker's NUMBER ONE carpet cleaning service. No charred holes or sickening smell at Ratatouille Cleaning (TM)! Our experts are available at any stretch and at your convenience. Call to schedule an appointment now!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Citizen Hamar Quail, the champion of this yearstretch's Shark Swim event, spectacularly crashed his autopod in the transtube between sectors R-4 and R-5 four daystretches ago, fatally injuring himself and several others. The available surveillance reveals that he was driving recklessly and without regard to those around him. Recently promoted to Epsilon clearance, this incredible athlete and rising star's colleagues unanimously report he was a pleasure to work with. We will surely miss him.
In other n
ews, part of T-4 sector is being temporarily restricted to Beta clearance and higher. The Wellness Pyramid and Mystic River Racetrack and Casino will therefore be off-limits to most citizens. On a related note, the viscous material that had been seeping from the Wellness Pyramid – and which some miscreants have erroneously referred to as brown sludge – has disappeared almost completely from the premises. Meanwhile, work continues at a furious pace. The Bunker is holding its breath to find out what exactly is going on inside. Stay turned for further developments as they become available.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Dagon (TM). The name says it all. Chic. Fashionable. Attractive. Dagon (TM). The distinguished citizen's apparel.
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Sometimes even the best-prepared citizen will be confronted with a sudden electrical fire, chemical explosion, or nuclear meltdown and not know how to respond. In such a situation, every secondstretch counts. That's why Control has directed the placement of Remedy Stations throughout the Bunker. These friendly, dark-red booths are there to help you in times of