Today's Edition
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storage and are still on the loose. Normally well secured behind magnetic force fields and deprived of their power supplies, they took the peaceful citizens of J sector by complete surprise.
The number of victims is staggering and still on the rise. Iconic among them is the young and innocent Yolanda Smirch. How could you neglect to mention her sad and terrible fate, Hillary? Tears come to my eyes just thinking about it. A steadfast and productive resident of J-11 sector, her passing should not go unnoticed. All we know of her comes from the PA found smashed to bits under one of the bunks in the Lower Quarters. A professional reconstruction of events by highly regarded actors employed by Human Resources suggests she was gang-raped to death by a mob of oversized industrial equipment, including a hydraulic squeegee. Details are sketchy, but it would seem the ringleader was none other than Epsilon clearance citizen and confirmed neophyte of the God and Freedom Church, Archibald Grimmith, also of J sector and the supervisor of a team of highly regarded actors employed by Human Resources.
Actually, Marsha, you interrupted me before I could mention her. As I was about to say, encrypted data extracted from the PA in question has called the veracity of the entire story into doubt. First of all, no body was ever found, nor any traces of her DNA. Surely, being gang-raped by power tools would leave some kind of forensic trail. In fact, it's not even certain if Yolanda Smirch ever existed at all. There is no entry for her in the Communal Registry. Instead of becoming the witting tool of criminals intent on defrauding the public, perhaps next time you'll –
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! (TM) as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
A fun and happy greetings to all our fans out there! This is your host, Marsha Wong, and you're reading the latest from Your Edition Today! (TM)
Hillary Binzer, normally my co-host here at Your Edition Today! (TM), has gone mysteriously missing. Her ominous absence is a serious blow to journalistic integrity. If anyone has information concerning her disappearance or knows where to recover the body, please report as soon as possible to your Homeland Security neighborhood substation. Until a replacement has been found, I will have to assume full responsibility for accumulating and passing on the latest happenings in the Bunker.
Moving on to the latest dispatches, the bomb squad based in I sector is being investigated for possible infiltration by a treacherous mole. As I'm sure you well know, this arm of Defense is a revered institution. Its brave disarmament officers risk life and limb to save ordinary citizens like us from the scars of burning napalm and white phosphorous. The presence of a mole in its ranks is therefore especially worrisome.
Citizen – give me a stretch as I try and get this name right – Mar K. Al-Imiz I-15 sector, recently awarded a Mark of Excellence for bravery in the field, is cooperating with authorities and is said to have already named several of his squadmates as accomplices. I will keep you informed of developments as they occur.
Elsewhere in the Bunker, the citizens of R-6 sector were treated to a terrible surprise three daystretches ago when they reported for their regular shower. A load of new and revolutionary soap produced by Health and Body Works (TM) had just been delivered overnight to their cleaning stations. Normally associated with harmless skin cremes, perfumes, and moisturizers, Health and Body Works' (TM) recent foray into cleansing products was initially greeted with enthusiasm. However, upon application, the soap produced second-degree burns and respiratory distress. Upon further investigation, it was revealed that the soap was still in the development stages and should never have been released to the public. How exactly – Oh! Hillary! What a pleasant surprise!
Is it, Marsha?
Of course it is! Why are you looking at me like that?
Because the brakes on my autopod gave out this morning in the transtube. I crashed into a truckpod from Health and Body Works (TM) carrying crates of experimental soap and was rushed to the medical clinic along with tens of other citizens suffering from chlorine inhalation and scalding.
That's terrible, Hillary. But what makes you think that I would have anything to do with –
Because my autopod has a recorder on it, Marsha. You didn't know that, did you? After the last time you sabotaged my car, I decided to have one installed. The feed is a bit grainy but you're easily identifiable. After a bit of digital enhancement, that is.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! (TM) as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
A fun and happy greetings to all our fans out there! This is your host, Hillary Binzer, and you're reading the latest from Your Edition Today! (TM)
Marsha Wong, normally my co-host here at Your Edition Today! (TM), is a terrorist and a traitor. She will therefore no longer be joining me here in the newsroom. Unbeknownst to myself, she was passing coded messages in our news dispatches to fellow conspirators throughout the Bunker. Marsha Wong, you worked to aid and abet the forces of evil and chaos striking at the very heart of our freedom-loving and benevolent utopia. You may have managed to worm your way into my confidence, but your devious tongue will soon be silenced forever. This is without exception the unenviable fate of every traitor.
Indeed, in the past weekstretch alone, Homeland Security has scored a number of important victories against the ever-growing terrorist threat, including the arrest and termination of a mole in the bomb squad, citizen Marhammud Kali Al-Imiz I-15 sector. How exactly someone with a name like that could have operated for so long without attracting suspicion is a matter currently under investigation. Several of his squadmates have already been taken into custody.
Let us take a stretch to pay homage to the fabulous men and women over at Homeland Security who keep us secure. We should never forget them. Their interrogation chambers are literally overflowing with evil-doers and social deviants of all stripes who would otherwise be free to execute their odious plots to disrupt our public life and sap our morale. Thanks to their tireless efforts, our corridors and community dining halls are undoubtedly much safer.
Some citizens resent the complete and invasive surveillance required to keep us out of harm's way. Some citizens believe it is perfectly acceptable for others to voice this opinion even if they do not themselves share it. But citizens, remember: anyone with an alleged need for so-called privacy is clearly doing something he or she shouldn't and is by definition a menace.
If you are not engaged in any illegal activities, it should not bother you that agents from Homeland Security are watching you sleep or having a hygiene inspection on your way out of the cleaning station. After all, many of us snore or drool at night. There's nothing to be ashamed of. We all have two butt cheeks, too. If there isn't a concussion grenade stuffed up your anal cavity, why object to a bit of preventative monitoring while you wipe them clean?
However, eager to show its sensitivity to our feelings and demonstrate its propensity for compassion, the boys over at Control have issued revised guidelines on the use of the surveillance streaming in from all corners of the Bunker. They have done this even though human eyes rarely ever see this raw data. The automated systems that sort through it are, of course, completely incapable of making personal judgements. Your helpbot might seem like it loves you and is dedicated to your wellbeing, but in reality it is just programmed that way. Cybots do not have opinions of their own.
In any case, all raw data from surveillance feeds will now be held by a private firm associated with Homeland Security. Agents will henceforth have to request access to it via an internal committee formed of their colleagues. This internal committee is by no means a rubber-stamp institution and will abide by strict rules meant to foster trust and faith in the forces of Justice and Good. These rules are, of course, beyond your security clearance (as is the name of the private firm), but res
t assured that they were formulated with the utmost concern for your privacy and will be painstakingly obeyed.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! (TM) as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
TRAITORS TAKE OVER TODAY'S EDITION (TM) NEWSROOM! Over the past nine weekstretches, two sly but clearly incapable terrorists by the name of Marsha Wong and Hillary Binzer, both of H-11 sector, have been broadcasting false news reports from this newsroom. Passing off their pathetic and inappropriate content under an unregistered brand, it is still unclear what exactly their devious goal could have been. Fortunately, they were detained before they could inflict any real harm upon the public awareness. Careful analysis of their dispatches reveals they made repeated referrals to some fanciful, existential crisis facing the Bunker as well as a supposed uptick in terrorist activity. Almost as reprehensible, they also neglected to pass on useful, informative