A Jar Full of Light

by Rae Walsh

  She didn't yet know that she needed to be wary, and she thought Cam was nice, even though Sofía had never liked him. Sofía had gone on a few dates with Cam and declared him a weirdo. But Theresa thought he was sweet.

  Theresa took a gap year after high school, so she, Cam, and Sam entered university at the same time, attending the State University in Aveline. Theresa had trouble adjusting to the new environment, and Cam helped her with things like talking to her professors about late assignments. He grew a little possessive of Theresa at times, even though they weren't dating. He hated it when she hung out with Sofía, and started asking her where she had been whenever she went somewhere without him. After a few intense talks with Sofía, who was very worried, Theresa tried to make some boundaries, asking for a bit of space.

  Cam didn't want space. He followed Theresa everywhere. He left notes on her walls, or in her pockets. He pleaded with her to stop going to social events, to end her friendship with Sofía. He said Sofía was getting between them. Theresa started to feel scared, but she didn't know what to do.

  Then came the dreadful night, in the forest near the university. First, the oak tree in town, where Cam slammed her against the wood when she wouldn't get in his car. Then the drive, the music blaring, the cruel forest. Pain that she wouldn't have believed. He spoke words of hate and love twisted together, telling her she was ugly but beautiful to him. She was terrible, a horrible person. But he loved her. When she finally got away, she had run and run, aching, bruised, and bleeding.

  Sofía wept and helped Theresa into the shower. She whispered the word. "Rape."

  Theresa faded in and out of wakefulness for days.

  Cam had told Theresa he would kill her if she told anyone. She didn't want to tell anyone, besides Sofía, who she couldn't have avoided telling.

  Sofía and Theresa argued about it. Theresa wanted to forget it. Cam avoided her after that night, so there was no need to revisit the cruel forest, which was what Theresa began calling it in her head. She constructed a strong barrier around the night and its events.

  Eventually, Sofía convinced Theresa to go to the police with her. They sat in the station in Billers and told about the night, only to hear that it would be a long, messy process for anything to happen. Theresa was so overwhelmed that she left halfway through the interview, and nothing Sofía said could convince her to go back.

  Cam was wealthy and well connected. Maybe no one would ever have listened to her. In the years since the event, more than one therapist had told Theresa that this happened to many women. They couldn't talk about what had happened to them. They felt like saying it made them complicit. They got tangled up in the murky boundaries of the body, the way that something that was supposed to happen between two people was forced onto one person. It took a solid delineation of personhood to avoid feeling shame for actions that were imposed upon your own body.

  Learning about ASD had taught Theresa that these barriers were always confusing to her, so it made sense that she had not wanted to tell. Theresa had always felt that if she talked about it, she would end up back in that cruel forest, and she never wanted to be there again. She and Sofía were never able to agree on how Theresa had decided to handle the event.

  Theresa hadn't even realized she was pregnant until she was six months along. That was how naive she had been.

  And then there was Sheldon. Theresa began to fall for him when Maddie was two years old. She had known him before. He had been there—on the fringes of their life—since they were in high school, but after he traveled, he came back into her life so sweetly. Theresa was so scared to have a relationship, but Sheldon got past all of that by being the best friend that ever existed.

  Sometimes, during those years, she got threatening letters from Cam. The letters said she would be exposed for what she was, what they had done in the forest. They stated that Cam would hurt her. Theresa tried to ignore them, but she grew more and more paranoid, and it began to be hard for her to do even the simplest tasks. She started drinking, just to numb the fear. Sheldon was worried about Theresa's increasing jumpiness, and he wanted her to get therapy, to figure out what was going on.

  He asked her to marry him anyway. Even though she was a mess. She said yes, and they started preparations for the wedding. She was so happy with Sheldon, and he was going to be Maddie's father.

  Then came the worst day. Theresa got another letter from Cam. In his tiny, block letter writing, he threatened to kill Sheldon. Theresa couldn't stop crying after she got the letter. She told Sofía she was leaving, and they had the biggest argument they had ever had. Sofía was adamant that Theresa should stay and fight. Theresa was too scared. So she packed up Maddie and all their belongings and left Aveline, driving as far as her car would take her. Theresa sent Cam a letter of her own, saying that she would tell all she knew if he followed her. She told him she would not marry or be with Sheldon anymore, but that he had to leave her alone. It was as though she finally dared to push back. Cam listened. He had sent her creepy letters over the years, but he had left her alone. He had left Sheldon alone.

  And then, all these years later, Theresa had come back and fallen in love with Sheldon again.

  Stupid, stupid girl.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Sheldon had watched the gallery owner for a while, knowing at once that this was someone different. The man walked around, picking pieces of pottery up, gauging their weight in his hands, and peering at the seams. In one corner of the room was a display of the newest sculpture series that Theresa was working on, clearly labeled “Series in Progress,” and “Not For Sale.”

  The man spent the longest time there, then looked around and, seeing Sheldon’s eyes on him, approached.

  “Where is the artist or her agent?” he asked immediately. “I’d love to talk to one of them about a show in Los Angeles.”

  “Theresa Grant is here, though her agent didn’t come out for the opening,” Sheldon said, trying not to sound overeager. “I’ll find Theresa, for you. Just for curiosity’s sake, how did you find out that this was happening?”

  “I was at her last show, in Minneapolis,” the man said. “And heard she had relocated. She put the opening on her website.”

  Clever girl, Sheldon thought to himself. Theresa might prefer actually drawing or working with clay over anything else, but really, she was an excellent businesswoman.

  He was excited to find her and tell her about the gallery owner. But then he couldn’t find her. He walked around, searching the house and yard.

  “Katie, have you seen Theresa?” he asked.

  “Last I saw, she was talking with a customer,” Katie said.

  “Maddie, what about you?”

  “I haven’t seen her in a while.”

  It took Sheldon a few rounds of the house and the yard to start to worry, but as he did, his heart began to beat faster. This didn’t make any sense. Reesey wouldn’t take off in the middle of her show. Or would she? She wasn’t having a meltdown somewhere, was she?

  “Last I saw, she was picking up a delivery from the truck outside,” Lucy said.

  “Whoa, wait,” Sheldon said, holding up a hand. “There was a delivery truck here at nine o’clock at night? That doesn’t make any sense.”

  Lucy looked flummoxed. “No, I guess it doesn’t,” she said. “He was insistent that he needed Theresa specifically and that he had a large shipment of clay.”

  Sheldon went outside. Nothing. No truck, no Reesey. His stomach started to hurt.

  He went back inside. Francisco and Daniel found him walking around the kitchen, opening and closing drawers.

  “What’s going on?” Francisco asked. “You’re tearing around this place like it’s a mini track meet.”

  “I can’t find Theresa,” Sheldon said. “Lucy said something about a delivery truck needing a signature, and now Theresa’s just gone.” He looked up. “Daniel, you need to tell us what you know.”

  Daniel was pale and tight-lipped. He gripped his elbow
s. “I don’t know if I can.”

  Sheldon went back to opening and shutting drawers, filled with rage like nothing he had ever experienced. How could Daniel continue to withhold information?

  “Are you crazy?” Francisco asked. “What are you doing?”

  Sheldon didn’t answer. He picked up an envelope that was shoved in a drawer, addressed to Theresa in tiny block letters. He tore it open and stared at the note, feeling the blood drain out of his face.

  If you date him again, I will kill him. And then I will kill you and Maddie. Don’t even think about it. You promised.

  It was like someone had kicked the air out of Sheldon’s lungs. His heart lunged into double time. Silently, he handed the letter to Daniel.

  “Who is it?” he asked, his voice hoarse. “Tell us, please, Daniel. Is it Lenny? I’ll kill him!”

  Daniel stared at the letter. Francisco’s face was horrified.

  “It’s Cam,” he said.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  The van stopped, and then the engine cut off.

  Theresa had moved from panic to resignation, but now she felt something completely different beginning inside her body. She prepared herself, still rocking for comfort, but now using the momentum to gain strength. Reesey was not the same woman she had been, nearly sixteen years previously. Today, she thought. I wanted to wait until after the opening, but today is the day I get my life back. How long have I lived under this fear? How long have I let him control me?

  Nearly half her life, she realized with growing anger. What did Cam think he was going to do to her out here? Rape her again, like he had in the cruel forest? She could think the word now. She could even say it out loud. Theresa had lived her adult life in fear of someone who took freedom and safety from her.

  For a long time, the power Cam held over her was the fear that he would tell Maddie she was a child of rape. Theresa had never wanted her daughter to know it. She had not even planned to keep Maddie. She had been considering adoption, but she was so confused that she hadn’t gone through with it, and then she had fallen in love with her baby. Maddie was light and love, and Theresa never wanted her daughter to know about the violence that had been part of her origins. Maddie was not the child of that violence. She was the child of a quiet hospital, a kind nurse, and the daughter of Sheldon and Theresa’s new love, as they walked with the toddler on the lakeshore.

  The roll-up door screeched open suddenly, and light flooded in. Cam had stopped the truck in a large store parking lot. You idiot, Theresa thought. This is so public.

  He had the upper hand, at first, though, as Theresa was blinded by the streetlights. Cam grabbed her by the wrist and hauled her out of the van. Tears streamed down his face as the motion jolted her head again.

  “I didn’t want to have to hurt you,” he hissed at her. “You made me hit you.”

  “You’re crazy,” she spit at him.

  “You’re the crazy one,” he said, growling and bending her wrist until she nearly cried out. “I told you not to date him. I told you I would kill all of you. I love you, Theresa, and I would do anything for you.”

  “Cam!” Theresa cried. “This is not love! The violence, the threats. How can you even think you love me? This is nothing like love.”

  “You drive me to it, you sorry-faced witch. I saw you kissing him through the window. Are you forgetting that you are mine? You promised me, Theresa. I’ve been following her every day, did you know that? I watch my beautiful daughter all the time.”

  A hot torrent of anger rushed through Theresa. Oh, no, no, no, she thought. This is enough.

  “Do you think I’m still the weak girl you brainwashed and raped?” she rasped, trying to get her wrist at a better angle, so she could break away. Cam backhanded her, and Theresa tasted blood. He hit her again and again. She nearly passed out from the pain but forced herself to stay awake, clinging to consciousness with both hands. She needed to end this now. Maddie being safe was the most important thing in the world, and Maddie would never be safe if Cam continued to follow her around. Theresa glared up at Cam. He had made a mistake when he let go of her wrist. “Didn’t you realize I would spend my life learning how to fight bullies like you?”

  Theresa got the leverage she needed and delivered a hard kick to Cam’s knee. She heard a horrible pop, and he collapsed, screaming. Theresa punched him once, hard, in the temple, and he was fell silent so suddenly that her ears rang.

  Theresa called 911 and wiped the blood from her mouth. She was shaking so violently that she nearly dropped the phone, but she managed to tell the operator her location and that there had been an attack. Then she hung up and started to walk home.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Sheldon, Sofía, Daniel, and George got into George’s car to look for Theresa. Sam stayed with Katie and his mother, who were both frantic. Francisco stayed back, not wanting to fight, but wholly supportive of the others if it came to it. Daniel drove because George said he wanted to be ready to jump out if he needed to, and he was on the phone with the police.

  He hung up. “Not sure if they’ll do anything yet,” he said. “Reesey hasn’t been missing long enough, and there’s no record of previous danger.”

  Beside Sheldon, Sofía sighed, muttering to herself. She had tears streaming down her cheeks.

  Sheldon felt like he could cry, too, but for now, he kept himself fiercely dry-eyed. He was filled with self-recrimination after reading the note. Why hadn’t he realized how much trouble Reesey was in? And now maybe it was too late. Oh, Lord, it couldn’t be too late. What was Cam capable of? Sheldon couldn’t bear it. He moaned and put his head in his hands.

  “I think we should pray,” Daniel said suddenly from the driver’s seat.

  Sheldon looked up. Daniel was still so new in his faith journey. Sheldon would have expected that he or George would remember to pray, not Daniel. But Sheldon had forgotten about prayer completely, almost as if he thought he was in charge of the world. As though God didn’t care about Theresa more than Sheldon did.

  George nodded. “You’d better be the one to do it because I’m not feeling merciful thoughts,” he said.

  “He nearly ruined my life,” Daniel said. “And I couldn’t say anything because he would have exposed Theresa and Maddie.”

  “What would be so bad about that?” Sheldon asked. “I don’t understand why you couldn’t say anything, or Reesey either. Why did your life need to be ruined? Why did she need to run away?”

  “He raped her,” Sofía said softly. “Reesey didn’t want Maddie to ever find out.”

  Sheldon felt rage so hot and terrible that it nearly picked him up. He pounded his fists into his knees.

  “I truly am going to kill him,” he said. “Cam! Cam has been living among us all this time. He comes to my shop. I smile at him. He hurt Theresa! He’s Maddie’s...” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

  “Do you see?” Daniel said softly. Sheldon looked over and saw tears running down his face. “He’s Maddie’s father? How do you think she will react to that?”

  George spoke. “Nearly all of us have rapists in our genealogies,” he said quietly.

  “Us?” Sheldon said, stupidly, before he thought.

  “Descendants of the enslaved,” George said. “My great, great grandfather was a white slave-owner who raped my great, great grandmother. Mercy has violence in her ancestral line, as well. We aren’t strangers to violence in our family lines. We can talk to Maddie about what that’s like.”

  Sheldon didn’t have words. He reached back and grabbed George’s hand, gripped it tightly and took a deep breath. Then Sheldon began to pray. He prayed that they would find Theresa and that she would be okay. It was all Sheldon could pray, over and over. He could hear Sofía’s quiet prayers going on next to him, and still, he continued to pray.

  “What’s that?” George asked, interrupting Sheldon.

  “What?” Sheldon asked.

  “A truck and police car there in the parking lot,” George
said, pointing through a row of trees.

  “Go, go!” Sheldon cried.

  “I’m already going,” Daniel said, crossing three lanes to enter the Target parking lot, pulling up to the police car.

  “Carefully,” George said. “Don’t get out.”

  “It’s Bruce,” Sheldon said. He rolled his window down.

  “Bruce,” he called. “What’s happening?” He could see a shape in the back of the cop car, but he couldn’t quite make out who it was.

  “Cam has been attacked,” Bruce said. “I’m just holding him until the ambulance gets here. He has a dislocated, or maybe even a broken knee, and scratch marks on his arms, so I’m not sure what kind of fight it’s been.”

  “Bruce,” George said, leaning out of the window to talk to the officer.

  “Oh, hey, George,” Bruce said.

  “You know better than that,” George said. “Scratch marks? Better cuff him. He kidnapped Theresa Grant tonight, and it looks like he has a history of violence toward her. Stalking and rape.”

  “What? Theresa Grant?” Bruce’s face paled.

  “Is she here?” Sheldon asked.

  “No, I arrived after someone called 911 and found Cam with a dislocated knee. He’s hurt bad.”

  “She’s not here?” Sofía repeated. “Do you mean she beat Cam up and left?”

  Bruce shrugged. “I have as much information as you do.”

  Sheldon couldn’t have said what he felt at that moment, but later, he identified it as a sort of fierce, proud joy, mixed with continuing worry. Daniel let out a sigh, and the four of them looked at each other, smiling tentatively. Sheldon would have liked to have words with Cam, but there were more important things to do. They had to find Theresa.