by Tania Crosse
And did it matter what his name was? It was just a jumble of letters on a scrap of paper. What had happened couldn’t be undone. But right now she knew she didn’t want to rake up the past, bring back the memory in all its hideous clarity. Wouldn’t knowing his name make it all seem so real again? Real and vivid, rather than the nightmare that was starting to fade and blur into the past with the new contentment that was filtering into her life? With Eva and Mildred and their family. With Jake? There would always be that door that could never be unlocked. But knowing his name could only make matters worse. Act as a focus to bring back the pain and the anger. Surely it would be better never to know. But having that piece of paper could only taunt her, torment her. And suddenly she knew exactly what she must do.
As she and Jake turned back towards Banbury Street, hurrying now as the drizzle thickened and became light rain, his strength seemed to pump into her through their joined hands. Grim determination grew inside her, but while her resolve increased, so did the sense of relief at having made the decision. Unwittingly, Jake had helped her claw her way out of the dilemma that had been ripping her apart. And she would always love him for that.
Later that night, when the rest of her family were asleep, she retrieved Saul’s scrawled note from its hiding place and crept out to the scullery. She took a baking tray from the oven, placing it ready on top of the stove. Then she took up the matches and lit one of the gas rings.
Only for an instant did she hesitate. Was she doing the right thing? Would she regret it? And then she thought of Jake. She wanted to love him, but she knew she could never love any man. Knowing the name of the evil weasel who’d done this to her would never help. It must be better this way.
She held the corner of the paper in the flame. Saw it scorch at the edges for a split second before it caught alight and she dropped it onto the metal tray to watch it curl and burn and turn to ashes.
There. No going back now. It was done.
*
Mildred pushed open the front door and propped her bicycle in its usual place in the hallway. When she’d left that morning for her early shift, the late September air had been cool enough for her to need a coat over her uniform. Now she hung it up on the hook on the opposite wall.
‘Hello, Mum, I’m home!’ she called cheerily. She wasn’t going back out to see Oscar again, but she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face these days. She woke up each morning feeling like the cat who’d got the cream. And she knew why.
She turned round as she heard Eva come out of the back room. The smile died on her face. She could see from her mother’s expression that something was wrong.
‘Here, Mum, what’s up?’ she asked, putting her own joy on hold. It was probably nothing.
‘Love, you’ve got a visitor.’ Eva’s voice was low, and she glanced anxiously back over her shoulder as if she didn’t want whoever was waiting in the kitchen to hear her. ‘It’s… Oh, love, it’s Gary.’
The happiness she’d felt over the past weeks drained from Mildred’s heart and a cold dread took its place. Gary! It couldn’t be. She wasn’t expecting him home for another month or more at the earliest. Hadn’t had time to gear herself up to telling him it was over. Oh, why had he come back to spoil everything!
But she supposed it wasn’t his fault. She’d just have to deal with it as best she could. Steeling her courage, she stepped determinedly forward.
But Eva put out her hand. ‘Before you go in, love,’ she said gravely, ‘I need to warn you. He was wounded. His shoulder… and his face. It ain’t pretty. He says that’s why he ain’t wrote much recently. Couldn’t bring hisself to tell you. It was a while ago. Before the war ended. That’s why he’s home a lot earlier than what we thought.’
Mildred’s blood froze. Injured? Bleeding hell, that wasn’t in the script! She’d planned on telling Gary that their engagement had been a mistake. That with him going off to war, her acceptance of his proposal had just been a spur-of-the-moment thing. That she’d had time to think – and realise he wasn’t for her. That there were plenty of girls out there who’d want a good-looking fellow like him.
But now…
She stared at Eva, blinking her eyes wide in horror. What in Gawd’s name was she going to do? She felt bloody sick in her stomach as she gulped hard and forced herself to slide past Eva and go through the door.
Gary was standing by the fireplace with his back to her, gazing into the empty grate. From behind, he looked just the same, if a little thinner. She recognised the stocky build, the slightly hunched shoulders. The blond hair that was clipped short in a Navy cut. He didn’t appear any different. And then he turned round.
Mildred had to stifle a gasp. Thank Gawd her mum had warned her. The deep, jagged gash that had been gouged out of his face ran down his forehead, crossed his eye socket and didn’t end until his jaw. The eye looked strange, and she wasn’t sure if it had any sight in it. Flaming heck.
‘Milly.’
Gary’s voice was flat, no longer the devil-may-care, jocular tone she remembered. She swallowed, scraping herself from her shock. Could feel the tremor of each painful heartbeat.
‘Gary,’ she heard herself say. ‘Welcome home.’
There was a hard silence between them, and then Gary stepped towards her, his arms outstretched. Mildred wanted to back away, her flying pulse making her feel faint. But she must stand firm. She didn’t want him thinking his face had put her off him. Didn’t want to make the poor sod feel even worse about himself than he doubtless already did.
The next instant, his arms closed around her and he buried his head in the crook of her neck. She could feel him trembling as heaving sobs racked his body, and she instinctively returned his embrace, holding him close, comforting him. Though the very core of her screamed out in protest.
‘Oh, yer dunno how I dreamed of this,’ he mumbled in her ear. ‘Coming home to yer is all what kept me going. I knew yer’d still love us, scar and all. There’s not many yer can rely on like you, Mill. I love yer so much. I knew yer wouldn’t let us down.’
Mildred held onto him. What the heck was she going to do? This was just some stupid bloody dream. She’d wake up any minute and laugh it off. Wouldn’t she?
At last, Gary stopped shaking so violently and he pulled back. She saw tears glistening in his eyes, making the injured one look even more peculiar. His cheeks were wet, and a rivulet had formed in the deep crevice on the scarred side. But the terrible, distraught look on his face gradually slackened, driven away by a watery smile as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny box.
Flaming Nora, no! Mildred wanted to pull away, but every muscle locked down as Gary took her left hand and slid the ring from the box onto her third finger. Mildred stared at it. Crikey Moses, she couldn’t move.
‘There. Didn’t have no ring before, did yer? So now we’ve done it proper like. Got it in the Philippines. It ain’t a proper ruby, but it is real gold. D’yer like it? I got it before this happened,’ Gary explained, gesturing towards his face. ‘But yer do still love us, don’t yer?’
Bloody hell. How could she answer that? Because she didn’t. She loved Oscar.
‘So how did it happen?’ Mildred was relieved to hear someone ask. She glanced round. It was just her and Gary in the room.
‘We was in a small port. On the edge of the jungle,’ he answered, his words choked again. ‘On some poxy little Jap island. Just us. Took it in watches ter guard the sub. Had me back against a tree, but a Nip still managed ter jump us from behind. Aiming fer me throat, I reckon, but he missed ’cos I clocked him just in time. Got me shoulder first, and then me face as we fought. But I got him back. Got me own knife in his guts. Slashed him right open. At least I survived. And it got us home early. And back to me girl.’
Mildred’s stomach flipped over. There was something in Gary’s voice. Bitterness, hatred. She could understand all of that. And she could imagine the scene. His fear as he stood on guard. A Jap sneaking out of the jungle behind him
. She’d seen things like that at the flicks. Must have been terrifying. And then wondering what on earth his face was going to look like.
‘I’m sorry me letters weren’t great,’ she realised Gary was apologising now. ‘Didn’t exactly feel up ter writing much. And I wanted ter surprise yer.’
‘Well, you’ve certainly done that,’ she murmured.
‘Yeah, given yer a bit of a shock, ain’t I? Sorry about that. But I’ve got a nice surprise for yer, and all.’ He suddenly grinned, making the scar stretch across his cheek. ‘I’ve been ter the Registry Office. Arranged fer us ter tie the knot on yer birthday next month. Just time ter plan a party. And fer us ter find somewhere ter live. Ain’t that great? Oh, Mill, I can’t wait! Thinking about this is what kept us alive. I’d’ve given up if it hadn’t been fer knowing you was waiting fer us.’
Mildred watched his expression light up. And then he took her in his arms again, hugging her tightly. Bringing his mouth down desperately on hers. She could scarcely breathe, her heart deadened. She’d promised, hadn’t she? Could she break him now? Destroy him by turning him down? It was all arranged. Done and dusted, as far as he was concerned. What would it do to him if she refused him now? He needed her. Had lived only for her. And who else would have him with his ruined face?
Her soul crashed to the ground, splintering like broken glass. The good, kind, generous, compassionate heart that was Mildred Parker stood firm. It was too strong for her other being, the one that craved love for herself. That loved Oscar. She couldn’t resist it. Couldn’t fight it. Though she knew her life would be ruined, an empty, bottomless void that could never be filled, she nodded back.
Thirty
A wild frown slashed across Stan’s face. ‘You sure that’s what you want, girl?’
Mildred rolled her head agonisingly on her neck. ‘No, I’m not bloody sure. But what else can I do? It’s the right thing, isn’t it?’
‘Depends how you look at it,’ Eva interrupted, crossing her arms over her heaving bosom. ‘And what about this Oscar fella? You was so keen on him, you was going to bring him home to tea. You gonna let him down instead?’
Mildred drew in a deep breath to calm herself. How could she convince her parents if she wasn’t sure herself? She wanted them to support her decision, not question it.
‘Yeah, I don’t want to, but I’ll have to. Oscar’ll be OK. He’ll find someone else easy enough. He’s so good-looking, but he’s kind and clever, too. I’m sure it’ll be for the best in the end. I’d be far too beneath him really for us to have been happy.’
She forced a shrug, trying to convince herself, if nothing else. But Eva came back fiercely.
‘Don’t you ever say that. You’re as good as anyone. But I won’t have you throwing away your life on someone what’s not right for you. Nell did that, and look where it got her.’
Mildred clamped her jaw. She knew her mum must be upset to mention her old friend, Nell. The story was shrouded in mystery. Mildred really had no idea what it had all been about. She felt it was a secret her mum would never reveal.
‘Well, I don’t know about that, but what I do know is that Gary needs me,’ she protested, her chin thrust out stubbornly. ‘You saw how he was. He’s changed. His confidence’s been knocked for six. He’s got no one else. And can you imagine how he feels with his face like that?’
‘Yeah, but having sympathy for someone’s not a reason to marry them!’
Mildred released a sigh of exasperation. ‘I know, Mum. But I loved him very much before. I don’t see why I won’t love him again. And this… this fling with Oscar, it was good while it lasted. But it might well not’ve worked out in the end.’
Mildred gave a small, wistful shake of her head as she battled to hide the pain inside. She did love Oscar, but spending her life with him was probably just some stupid pipe dream. He was too far above her. He probably wouldn’t have still wanted her once he’d seen the sort of family she came from. It’d never have worked out.
Would it?
She pushed the idea firmly to the forgotten recesses of her mind. ‘Nah, it’ll be much better this way,’ she said with a sad smile.
She saw that Eva’s lips were pushed forward in a mutinous pout, but when Mildred glanced at her dad, he was nodding, his head moving slowly and thoughtfully up and down.
‘Well, if it’s really what you’ve decided, I know you won’t change your mind, so I’ll give me consent,’ he said steadily. ‘And I’m proud of you, Milly, doing what you think’s the right thing. So unselfish. Just like your mother, even if she won’t admit it.’
‘Thanks, Dad.’ Mildred gave him a hesitant smile. His words had helped her make up her mind. Definitely. ‘Mum?’ she asked in a small voice.
Eva hesitated, her eyes meeting her daughter’s. ‘All right. But I hope you won’t end up regretting it.’
‘I won’t. I know I won’t,’ Mildred assured her. But deep down in her heart, she could only pray she was right.
*
‘No, you can’t marry him!’ Oscar’s eyes were aflame. ‘I love you. And I want to marry you!’
Mildred stared at him. Oscar wanted to marry her. Her face crumpled and she was unable to stop the tears spilling down her cheeks as his words sank into her distraught mind.
‘Oh, Oscar.’ She forced his name out in a squeak. ‘I love you, too. And I’d’ve said yes. But… it’s too late. I was promised to him first. And he needs me. If only you’d seen him—’
‘Needs you?’ Oscar’s voice was a bitter laugh. ‘And don’t you think I need you? After Susan, I never thought I’d find someone to love again, and then I met you. Don’t put me through all that again, I beg you.’
Oh, Gawd, how could she do this to him? To both of them? A torrent of broken emotions welled in Mildred’s breast as she watched Oscar’s taut face tighten further. But she had to push the agony aside.
‘I’m so sorry, Oscar, I can’t tell you,’ she croaked. ‘But put yourself in Gary’s place. His face is ruined forever. He’s lost the sight in one eye. People’ll either stare at him in the street or turn away. He’ll be made to feel like a flipping leper. And he’s got nobody else. No family. None of his old mates want to know, and the ones what he made in the Navy won’t be back for a while, and when they are, they’re not going to want to know neither. So he needs my help.’
Oscar arched his eyebrows in exasperation. ‘But surely you can help him without marrying him?’
‘Please, Oscar, don’t make this harder than it is,’ she groaned, wringing the words from her throat. ‘Have you looked in the mirror recently? Any girl’d fall for you. And you’re kind and clever. But Gary, he’s… well, he’s not like he was, even without his poor face. Always used to be so sure of himself, but now he’s just the opposite. I can see his moods swinging backwards and forwards. Only happy for a minute, and then sad and doubting himself. If I turn him down now, I reckon it’ll push him over the edge.’
‘And you reckon you can live like that? On a knife-edge all the time? No. I won’t let you throw your life away.’
Mildred saw Oscar’s eyes snap challengingly, and though her heart shattered, she held his gaze until his shoulders finally sagged in a dejected sigh.
‘Well, if I can’t change your mind, at least let me congratulate you.’
He stepped forward, and before Mildred knew it, she was crushed in his arms. His hand entwined in her auburn curls, dragging her head back so that he could bring his mouth down on hers, hard, desperate, bruising her lips. It wasn’t what she’d expected from him, but she knew his kiss was born of yearning and frustration and love that matched her own. She let it sweep through her, encompass her, for she knew it was all she would ever have of him.
When he finally let her go, she could see his eyes were deep and intense with pain.
‘I’ll always love you, Mildred Parker,’ he grated almost inaudibly. ‘For being the funny, strong, caring girl who insisted on doing what she thought was right. Even if she was w
rong.’
Mildred gulped. Felt she was drowning in an ocean of sorrow. ‘You’ll find someone else,’ she managed to whisper.
‘But she won’t be you.’
‘No. She’ll be better than me. B-but we can still be friends, can’t we?’ she asked, seized with panic.
A shuttered look suddenly veiled his expression. ‘Friendship can take many forms,’ he answered enigmatically. ‘And I’ll always consider you a friend. A very special one.’
He bent his head, brushed a soft kiss on her forehead. Turned. And walked away.
Mildred watched him go. And felt the brutal sorrow tear through her heart.
*
‘Right. We ready for the off, then?’ Stan asked, glancing round at the family members who’d come to the house first and had squeezed into the kitchen of Number Eight. ‘You look a picture, sweetheart,’ he added, turning to Mildred. ‘And happy birthday again, love.’
‘I’d’ve liked it better if it’d been a church wedding like what Kit and Gert both had,’ Eva couldn’t resist grumbling. ‘But you do look lovely.’
Mildred couldn’t stop the slight blush that coloured her cheeks. They’d had plenty of clothing coupons going spare, and Eva had found the money to splash out on a new outfit for her daughter, a tailored suit in soft cream wool with a matching pillbox hat that set off her halo of auburn waves to perfection. Now Eva pinned onto her daughter’s lapel one of the brooches Abraham had left her.
‘There,’ she said, blinking away a tear. ‘An extra little present.’
‘Cor, thanks, Mum. It’s beautiful. And thanks for the reception and everything, as well.’
‘What?’ It was Eva’s turn to blush. ‘A few sandwiches and jam tarts at the pub? Not exactly a feast. I could’ve afforded more if it’d been available. You all know now that old Abraham left me a little nest egg. It’s been nice to have something to spend some of it on. And what else would I be doing with all that money? Or that posh jewellery? Apart from giving you each a piece to keep.’