by Tania Crosse
‘Will you, Mum? Cor! But I reckon you should let Mr Braithwaite see the rest of it when he gets back from Africa,’ Primrose piped up. ‘I’m sure he’d know where to get the best price.’
‘No time for all that now,’ Stan interrupted to usher them all along. ‘Milly mustn’t be late for her wedding.’
Everyone moved towards the door and then filed out into the street. Stepping out onto the pavement, Mildred took a deep breath. This was it.
Next to her, Stan turned from locking the front door behind them all. ‘You absolutely sure about this?’ he whispered in her ear.
The words lamb to slaughter flitted across her mind in large, red letters. But it’d be all right in the end, wouldn’t it? Gary was OK deep down. They’d make a go of it.
So she fixed a dazzling smile on her face and nodded. ‘Yes, course, Dad.’
Everybody else was waiting at the Registry Office. Altogether, there was Mildred’s elder brother, Kit, and his wife, Hillie, who’d come up for the day from Kent by train, though they couldn’t stay too long as Kit needed to be back at the station by five o’clock. It was a Thursday so they’d taken the children out of school, and one of Hillie’s younger sisters, Trixie, had managed to come, too. She’d been Mildred’s closest childhood friend, although she was a couple of years older.
Gert was there, of course, with her three young boys, sworn to be on their best behaviour. Gert wasn’t going to miss her sister’s wedding for the flaming world! Rob couldn’t take time off now he was deputy manager of the bank, but he’d allowed Jake a few hours off provided he worked through his lunch hour on a few days to make up the time. Even Trudy had been allowed a day off from the grammar school. She was doing so well, her teachers thought she could easily catch up. Cissie had successfully begged Monsieur Clément to let her off class and rehearsals that day. Zac couldn’t get time off his work at Price’s, but Ron and Bridie had come along with baby Jane. Even Ellen Hayes from Number Three was among the guests, though she had to be back in time to collect Lily from school.
Nobody from the bus depot was coming. Mildred hadn’t told them why she needed a few days off. Was that the result of her guilt at giving Oscar the push when everyone knew they’d become so close? She’d have to tell them as soon as she went back, of course.
With no family or friends, Gary had no one to witness or celebrate his tying the knot.
Mildred’s heart skipped a beat when she caught sight of him. He hadn’t seen her arrive and was partly turned away from her. He had yet to be officially demobbed and was dressed in his smart Navy uniform, bell-bottom trousers making him look taller than he was and the tunic with its distinctive white-braided square collar sitting on his shoulders. Mildred could only see the undamaged side of his face, and the love she’d once had for him seemed to unfurl inside her again. He wasn’t Oscar, but when she’d nursed Gary back to the man he used to be, she was sure they’d find true happiness together.
He turned round, and his face broke into a grin when he saw her. She didn’t see the scar, the sightless eye. She saw the handsome face it had once been. Only for a second did another face flash across her mind, as dark as Gary was fair. But she hurled it away. She had made her choice.
She stepped forward resolutely and took Gary’s hand.
Thirty-One
‘So, how was it?’ Cissie dared to ask. ‘The honeymoon?’
‘Three nights in a boarding house in Bournemouth? Not much better than the room we’ve rented round the corner. But yeah, it was OK. Quite a treat for us to see the sea. Well, for me, anyway. Bit like coals to Newcastle for Gary. But it was warm enough for us to sit on the beach to have our fish and chips every day. Warmest October since 1921, they say.’
The wedding had been on the Thursday, and this was the following Monday morning. Mildred wasn’t due at the depot for her shift until after lunch. The Romaine Theatre Company’s run at Wimbledon Theatre didn’t finish for another couple of weeks, so Cissie would be going back to her digs later that afternoon but had the morning free. Gary had gone off to be officially demobbed, so the two girls had decided to take a stroll in the park while the October weather still held. It wasn’t quite as unseasonably hot and sunny as it had been the last two weeks, but it was still pleasant enough for the time of year.
‘Yes, it’s nice to have a bit of an Indian summer, isn’t it?’ Cissie agreed. ‘Sets you up better for the winter ahead.’
They were crossing the bridge that separated the Ladies Pond from the main lake, and stopped to look down on the water. Cissie felt a hot flush of nerves. Mildred hadn’t exactly answered her question. It had been playing on her mind ever since Mildred had announced that she was still going to marry Gary, even though Cissie knew it was Oscar she truly loved. Mildred was her best friend, and she wanted to be sure she was happy. She couldn’t imagine… or maybe she could, and that was what had rekindled her own dread.
She swallowed hard. ‘That wasn’t quite what I meant,’ she began again in a small voice. ‘About the honeymoon. I meant more… the wedding night.’
‘Oh.’ Mildred’s voice landed flatly. She remained silent then, and Cissie began to curse herself for asking. But Mildred rested her arms on the rustic bridge, gazing down onto the soft ripples on the Ladies Pond. ‘It was OK,’ she answered quietly. ‘Hurt a bit, but Gary was quite gentle. Least I think he was. Got nothing to compare him with, have I? All a bit embarrassing, but I guess I’ll get used to it. I just closed me eyes and… I imagined it was Oscar and that made it easier.’
Her last words were choked and, beside her, Cissie knew she was fighting back tears. Cissie put her hand on Mildred’s arm, and Mildred looked at her for a moment with a rueful, watery smile before turning back to contemplate the pond.
‘You… don’t regret it, then, do you?’ Cissie ventured.
She heard Mildred sniff. ‘Nah. Knew I’d done the right thing when I woke up one night with Gary’s hands round me neck trying to throttle us.’
‘What!’
‘He was dreaming of that Jap what did for him. Thought I was him. I slapped him and he woke up. Broke down and cried like a baby in me arms. I’ll make him better, and we’ll have a good life together. And me and Oscar, we’ll still be friends. Got to be if we’re working together.’ A small, wry laugh escaped her throat.
Cissie’s eyebrows dipped in the shadow of a frown. She couldn’t think of anything to reply, and joined Mildred in staring sightlessly at the water.
Stillness settled on the two friends. It was quiet that autumn morning in the park, nobody else around. The only sound was that of birdsong and the water splashing from the little fountain just below them. A strange calmness filled Cissie’s heart. Now was the time.
‘You and me, neither of us can have what we really want, can we?’ she murmured.
It was a moment before Mildred spoke. ‘What d’you mean?’
Cissie gulped. ‘You, you really wanted Oscar, no matter how much you’ve tried to persuade yourself. And me…’ She broke off, drowning in a tidal wave of emotion. ‘I could love Jake. I really want to. But I can’t. I could never give myself to him in that way. You see…’ Her heart was beating furiously, but she had to say it. ‘I was raped. And Jane’s not my sister. She’s my daughter.’
She heard Mildred’s audible gasp. Then silence. A sinking sensation in her belly.
‘Oh, my Gawd,’ Mildred breathed at last, for once in her life struggling for words, and her brow swooped fiercely. ‘Y-you poor little sod. That’s… that’s bloody terrible. So that’s why… you and Jake…?’
Cissie nodded, her eyes still fixed on the small lake. It was easier to speak if she wasn’t looking Mildred in the eye. ‘I told Jake. I had to. To explain why I could never love him in that way, even though my feelings for him are so strong. And I told your mum. She was brilliant about it. And Sean knew from the beginning. But that’s it. Nobody else outside the family knows.’ She paused. It felt better now she’d done it. The excruciating churnin
g in her stomach had stopped. ‘That’s why we came to live here. A new start.’
‘So, you wasn’t bombed out at Islington, then?’ Mildred’s question was deep with understanding.
‘No. But we were hounded out from where we lived. People didn’t know the truth, you see. And Zac doesn’t understand. He still thinks Jane’s his sister. And we want to keep it that way.’
‘Cor, blimey. It’s a lot to take in. But no, I don’t blame you or nothing for lying to us.’
‘Thank you. But you see now why we’re like two of a kind. Only I’m not strong like you, Mildred. I can’t face my demons like you have.’
Mildred turned to face her, drawing her round. ‘You will one day. And you are strong. Mine was me own decision, but yours… And you say you could never love Jake properly. But never’s a long time. But, whatever happens, I’ll always be here for you, kid.’
Cissie brushed away the tears that were starting to trickle down her cheeks. ‘And I’ll be here for you.’
They laced their arms about each other, holding tightly. Silently. Without moving. Standing in a pool of pain and waiting for it to drain away.
*
‘You Mildred Lockwood?’
‘Yeah, that’s me,’ Mildred answered, surprising herself at responding to her married name so quickly. ‘And you are…?’ she asked as a young chap breezed towards her.
‘Frank Arrowhead. Sharp an’ as straight as. Pleased ter meet yer, darlin’.’
He thrust his hand towards her. She took it, narrowing her eyes warily.
‘But I still don’t know who you are.’
‘Oh, didn’t no one tell yer?’ he said, cocking a surprised eyebrow towards the depot offices behind them. ‘I’m yer new driver.’
‘Me what?’
‘Yer new—’
‘Yeah, I heard you the first time,’ she snapped. ‘So where’s Oscar?’
‘Oscar? That’s a bleedin’ posh name. But I don’t know nuffing about no Oscar, love. I’m just pleased ter be back home safe an’ have me old job back. Oh, I hear congratulations are in order. Just tied the knot, ain’t yer? Lucky fella—’
His words petered out as Mildred turned and fled into the offices. What the hell was going on?
Mildred pushed her way past her colleagues queuing at the desks. The clerk looked up in irritated surprise, opening his mouth to speak, but Mildred didn’t give him a chance.
‘Where’s Oscar? Oscar Miles, me driver?’ she demanded. ‘Is he off sick? On leave?’ Yes, that must be it. Only got six days holiday a year, but no reason why he shouldn’t have taken one of them. Or maybe his mum was ill or something. She didn’t enjoy the best of health, he’d said.
‘Ah, Miss Parker,’ Mr Grimwald, the manager, called over. ‘Or Mrs Lockwood, should I say? Congratulations on your marriage—’
‘Never mind about that.’ Mildred cut him short as she strode across towards him. ‘Where’s Oscar?’
The older man looked confused and spread his fingers. ‘He’s gone, of course. Gave in his notice a week ago and left while you were on your honeymoon. Got a job with some engineering company. Said he didn’t want anyone knowing. But I assumed he’d told you.’
Mildred stared at him in disbelief. Oscar gone. Without telling her. Nah, must be some mistake.
‘Well, I knew about the job,’ she said, her lips like rubber. It was a half-truth, after all. She knew he was applying for it, but not that he’d got it. ‘And he probably told us when he was starting, only with all the excitement of me wedding, it went in one ear and out the other!’ she attempted to joke. ‘Oh, give us his address, would you? It’d be nice to keep in touch.’
‘Give you his address?’ Mr Grimwald sounded affronted. ‘I can’t do that, I’m afraid. Not without his permission. Why, don’t you know where he lives, then?’
‘Oh, well, no,’ she stammered. Oh, Jesus, she had to persuade him. And to sound casual. Maybe if she could convince him what good friends they were, how well she knew Oscar’s family background, Mr Grimwald might believe it was just some sort of oversight. ‘I’ve met his sister, Georgie. We all went to the theatre together. Looks just like him, she does, only about half his age. He was going to take me to meet his mum. She’s an invalid and can’t get out much. Only we never got round to it.’
‘Well, I’m sorry, Mrs Lockwood, but I really can’t go handing out people’s addresses, you know.’ Mr Grimwald looked at her over the top of his horn-rimmed spectacles. ‘He knows he can contact you here, if he’s a mind. Now, I suggest you get off to your bus. It’s due to leave in two minutes, I believe. That’s if you want to keep your own job.’
Mildred jolted out of her shock. ‘Yes, of course, Mr Grimwald. Thank you.’
Why the hell had she said that, thank you? she thought as she turned away. She had nothing to thank him for. The words had tripped off her tongue of their own accord while the rest of her mind was whirring in horror and shock. She had no way of contacting Oscar. And he… Had she hurt him so much that he never wanted to see her again? After all the things he’d said. About being in love with her? Had that all been a lie?
Oh, Oscar, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you so much. Will you ever forgive me? Will I ever see you again?
She hurried back out to the garage part of the depot. Frank Arrowhead was lounging against the side of the bus and pushed himself away when he saw her coming.
‘Come on, darlin’. Don’t wanna be late on me first shift back.’
Mildred looked at him daggers as she jumped up onto the bus’s platform. Cold. Numb. She felt lost, as if half of herself had fallen away. For, somehow, she knew she would never see Oscar again.
Thirty-Two
‘Well, we’re off to Mass,’ Bridie told her son, keeping her voice low so as not to wake Cissie who was asleep in her room next door. ‘If Jane wakes up before Cissie does, you can be giving her a Farley’s rusk soaked in milk. I’ve left the packet on the table, see? And you know where the milk is.’
Zac nodded slowly. ‘Milk and rusk,’ he repeated. ‘Yes, all right, Mum. I’m good with Jane, aren’t I?’
‘You are so. Or we wouldn’t be leaving her with you, so we wouldn’t.’
‘Help your mother get this contraption outside, will you?’ Ron asked, jabbing his head at the wheelchair. ‘And then help me get outside and into it, so I don’t have to strap on the crutch.’
‘Yes, Dad. Of course I will,’ Zac grinned back amiably, and at once went to help his parents.
He felt so proud that he was trusted to do all manner of things nowadays. He’d felt so much better since they’d come to live here. The house wasn’t as nice and there was a back yard instead of a garden. But you didn’t catch people whispering behind your back or calling you names in the street. He couldn’t understand why they’d suddenly started doing that. But here, everyone was nice to him. He wasn’t afraid to go outside. In fact, he looked forward to it.
He really liked his job at the candle factory, as well. He missed Jake not being there, even though he worked in another part and only used to see Jake at lunchtime. But he had Mr Stan to walk to and from the factory with every day, and he looked forward to that. He could even find his own way there now, and had done so on the day of Mildred’s wedding. And there was a girl in the packing shed he liked the look of. He didn’t really understand why men and women loved each other, but he did feel all funny when he saw her. Perhaps they could get married one day, like Mildred and her sailor. Only thing was, his words refused to come again whenever he saw the girl. That made him cross with himself, because he knew he’d been talking much better recently. That was because of coming to live in this new place, too.
He waved his mum and dad off down the street through the autumn drizzle and went back inside. His mum came from a different country and went to a different church called Mass. His dad only went once in a blue moon. He’d had to convert when they’d got married. Zac didn’t really know what that meant. He thought it was something t
o do with getting better, but he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that his mum went to Mass every week and usually took baby Jane with her. She used to take him when he was small. But when he was learning his catechism and everything for his First Communion, he was ribbed by the other boys for being so slow, and the priest cuffed him round the ear regularly. When his mum found out, she didn’t make him go any more. There was a new priest by the time Cissie was doing her preparation, and she did make her First Communion. But apparently she never went to Mass when she was evacuated as there wasn’t the right sort of church in Tavistock, and she refused to start going again when she came home. It was the only time Zac had ever heard Cissie and their mum rowing. But Cissie had stood her ground and had never been to Mass since. So Zac supposed their mum was going to have a last try with Jane.
Today, though, had been different. Jane had been crying in the night. Zac had heard her. Teething, Mum had said. But when the time came to leave for Mass, Jane was fast asleep in her cot, and Mum didn’t want to disturb her. Usually Dad liked to hobble to the newsagent’s for a paper while they were out, but this morning, Mum had persuaded him to go to Mass with her. It might be raining, but it would be a good opportunity. She wouldn’t have the pram to push, so she could push the wheelchair instead.
Back in the kitchen, Zac sat down at the table and rested his hands in his lap. His chest swelled proudly at having been left in charge. He would wake Cissie up if he really needed to, but he was determined he wouldn’t. The run at Wimbledon Theatre had ended the previous night, just a few days before the end of October, giving the stage crew a couple of days to take down and pack up all the scenery and so forth. The company had held a big party to celebrate their success. It had gone on into the small hours, but the landlady at the digs where Cissie and some of her colleagues had been lodging had still wanted them out by nine o’clock. So when Cissie had arrived home in Banbury Street an hour or so later, she’d been so tired that she’d gone to bed shortly before their mum and dad had set off for the second Mass of the day.