Not Quite Whole

by Kaye Draper

  “That’s not how a phoenix does things.” He raised his hand, and it was wreathed in flames. “May your ashes rise to the heavens. In your next life, may you shine with the light of the eternal fire, the way you’ve failed to do in this one.” Then the sovereign of Westhold set his cousin on fire.

  I stepped back, raising a hand to shield myself from the unnatural heat of the blaze. Carlyle screamed once, high and thin. Then he just...turned to ash. The phoenix fire was so hot and so all-encompassing that it was over in mere seconds, even the metal on the man’s body melting in a flash. Theo lowered his hand and the flames disappeared, leaving behind a man-shaped form of dark gray ash.

  “Load up,” Theo said calmly, without looking at the people around him. “We leave in three minutes.”

  He kept his gaze on the pile of ash as everyone shuffled off to do his bidding. The car behind us was still idling, and all the usual noises of the neighborhood were filtering back in. But it felt like Theo and I stood in the center of a bubble, separated from the outside world.

  I nudged the man-ash with a toe and it crumbled, the light breeze carrying away a gust of Carlyle dust. “I’m sorry,” I said softly. It didn’t seem like the right thing to say. But I couldn’t think of anything else. Theo had just flambéed a man like it was nothing. “Hard to believe you two were even related.” Gods. That was even worse. I fucking sucked at emoting.

  Theo let out a heavy sigh, his face drawn and tired. “Carlyle’s parents punished him for his lack of power just as strongly as my own shamed me for having too much. They pushed him to be more than he was, while my own parents forced me to hide everything I am.” He finally lifted his eyes to meet mine. The flames there had died out as well, and he just looked human. Human and tired. “I know it seems callous, Sam,” he said, his voice dry and flat. “But sometimes I’m forced to do things I wish I didn’t have to do.”

  I gaped at him. He thought I was disgusted because he’d just murdered someone. But I had just threatened to do the exact same fucking thing. “You thought I was bluffing?” I huffed. “For fuck’s sake, Theo. You should have let me do it. I’m used to sleeping at night knowing I’m a monster.”

  He turned away and I followed him as we headed around the house. “You call me soft,” he muttered. “But you’re always showing mercy at entirely the wrong time.” His voice softened. “Besides, I’ve heard about the nightmares, Sam. Maybe Angel can soothe mine as well.”

  I scoffed, hesitating for a second before I finally gave in and slipped an arm around Theo’s trim waist. He might not want my help, but this was the third damned time he had stumbled. I just couldn’t stand to watch it anymore. “You’re right,” I said as we rounded the front of the house. “You’re absolutely terrifying to me now.”

  He tilted his head to glance at me, one eyebrow raised. “Oh?”

  I nodded emphatically. “Absolutely. Because I thought I had you all figured out. But...I just realized I really have no fucking idea what you’re thinking. At all.”

  He laughed, then winced when the action no-doubt pulled at his stab wound. “Trust me, my pretty kitty. It’s really better that you don’t know.”

  I rolled my eyes at the name-calling. “Okay, birdy boy.” I glanced at Angel and the others. “He’s obviously getting loopy from blood loss or something. Medic?”

  A man finished examining one of Emerson’s big hands and scooped up his med kit to head toward us. I narrowed my eyes at Em. “And what the hell happened to you?” One of the guards near him snorted. “Thumped some asshole on top of the head like one of those old-school whack-a-mole games.” He grinned. “Drove his damned spine back out the other end, I reckon. Dropped like a sack of potatoes.”

  Emerson grimaced. “I only meant to knock him out, not kill him.”

  The medic shook his head at the scary, apologetic ogre. “Big guy bruised a phalange. He’ll be fine in about three minutes, with his healing.”

  The grinning guard held out a hand. “Told ya.” One of his colleagues forked over a coin. Lucky for them I was too busy to knock their heads together.

  The medic stepped toward Theo carrying the med kit, but Angel took it from him. “I’ll handle it on the way home,” the siren said firmly. “Let’s go.”

  I raised my eyebrows at him, but Theo was important to Angel too, so I supposed he wouldn’t get in the medic’s way if he didn’t really think he could take care of it. “Alright,” I said, waving an arm at the people milling about. “Pack it the fuck up and move out. When we get back, no one is to disturb the sovereign until at least tomorrow afternoon. Lock up the prisoners and then fuck off, got it?”

  I got a bunch of nods and one snarky “As you command, Viceroy,” from the head of the guards before I slid into our transport. Angel and Emerson wrangled Theo into the backseat and Fin took shotgun. The ride home was blissfully silent, except for a hiss of pain from Theo when Angel did something to him with antiseptic and gauze. Then the siren started singing. I had to fight to keep my attention on the road and not fall into his trance right alongside Theo. I’d never been on a longer trip in my life, even if it only lasted less than an hour.

  My sabertoothed cat instincts prowled just beneath the surface, and I gripped the wheel hard. My mates were all safe. Mostly. The threat to Theo’s reign was gone. Everything was fine.

  Then why the fuck did I feel like if I wasn’t broken, I’d be shifting and yowling with rage right now?

  Chapter 11

  When we got back home, I refused to let Theo go off and play the stoic sovereign one second longer. Grabbing his arm, I stopped him from heading to his office. I turned my head to yell for Jules and was startled to find the creepy butler standing right next to me. “Fuck’s sake,” I muttered, breathless from the scare.

  Jules just smirked. “Did you need something, Viceroy?”

  I gave Theo a little shake. “This one needs the doctor.”

  Theo rolled his perfectly normal human blue eyes. “I don’t need the doctor. I’m fine.”

  I spun him around so Jules could see the blood-soaked back of Theo’s jacket. “Knifed in the back.”

  The butler raised a brow as he considered his employer. “He’ll be fine.”

  I scoffed. “Did you miss the part where he’s all weak and post-shift, Jeeves? He got stabbed in the motherfucking back!”

  Theo huffed but didn’t try to pull away again. “Did you miss the part where I lit someone on fire today, Sam? Clearly my powers are working just fine.”

  Angel ran a hand through his hair and let out a tired sigh. “It was already starting to heal when I was cleaning it out, Sam,” he said with a shrug. “Being around his mates accelerates things, and I used my magic to speed things up.”

  I narrowed my eyes at Theo. “You’d better not pass out on me. We’ve got shit to handle.”

  Theo’s mouth took on a grim line. “I can’t imagine what you think just has to be taken care of right this minute, Sam, but I assure you, I’m not about to faint anytime soon.”

  One corner of my mouth curled up and I flashed a little fang. “Good.” Then I dragged him toward the stairs. “Need me to carry you up, sovereign?”

  Theo gaped at me like I’d lost my mind. “No, I don’t need you to carry me. Sam, what’s come over you?” He glanced behind us for help. “Did anyone see Sam take a blow to the head today? Maybe inhale something they shouldn’t have? Poison dart? Rouge spell?”

  I growled and tugged on his arm. “Move.”

  Theo dug his heels in. “In all seriousness, Sam. I should go make some phone calls....”

  I rolled my eyes. Then I turned, crouched low, and slung the stupid phoenix over my shoulder. My shifter side was done playing games.

  He yelped and gripped the back of my shirt. “Sam! What the fuck? Put me down!”

  Fin snorted as he ambled past us, headed up the stairs. “You tall fuckers get sooo freaked out about being carried. How’s it feel to be treated like a damned toy?”

  I didn’
t miss the grin on his face.

  Yeah, so I might also be enjoying the fact that Theo was probably looking pretty undignified right about now. I slapped him on the ass and headed up the stairs, not caring who the fuck saw us. “Stop squirming or I’ll toss you back down the stairs, sovereign.”

  He groaned and dropped his head against my back. “I can’t believe you, Sam. Really.”

  I focused on taking the stairs two at a time without tripping. Theo wasn’t heavy with my shifter strength to call on, but he was a full grown man and my shoulders were a bit narrow. It was an awkward carry.

  I caught up to Fin at the top of the stairs and cut him off. “Left,” I demanded, my voice more growl than speech.

  The leprechaun heaved a sigh, but did as he was told, heading to the sovereign’s suite and throwing the door open for me. The others trailed along behind us, clearly understanding that this was a discussion we were all going to be involved in.

  I finally set Theo down on his feet. Then I reached for his jacket, fingers making quick work of the buttons.

  “I can undress myself, Sam,” he huffed. But he stood still and let me do it anyway.

  I tossed the bloodstained coat away, then started in on his shirt. Once that joined the jacket in a heap on the floor, I gripped the curve of his shoulder and spun him around so I could look at his back. Angel was right. He’d plastered a bandage pad over the stab wound, but when I pulled it away, all I found was a smooth, pink line between the lean muscle of Theo’s back. Freshly-healed skin. I tossed the bandage on the floor as well.

  “So,” I demanded, crossing my arms. “How’d you heal that fast?”

  Theo turned to face me, arching a brow, his voice dry, arms crossed over his trim chest. “Oh, am I allowed to speak now? How nice of you, Sam.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “How did you barbecue Carlyle when you’re supposed to be out of magic?”

  He stared into my eyes with a mutinous expression on his face, and for a second there I was convinced I’d have to beat the answers out of him with a blunt object. But finally, he relented, shoulders slumping. “You know damned well how. I was close to my mates. And apparently I’m a fucking failure at blocking my inner monster from taking what it wants. I draw strength from you even though we’ll never be bonded.”

  I grabbed him by the belt and yanked him closer to me. “Why?”

  He blinked at me, a little flare of magic in those blue eyes again. “Excuse me? I don’t understand the question, Viceroy.”

  My voice was a cracked whisper as the words just fell out without thought. “Why am I not good enough for you?”

  He blinked at me in surprise. Yeah, I was pretty fucking shocked at my words too. Damn. Maybe I did get a head injury back there and I just couldn’t remember it.

  Theo hesitated and I pulled away, releasing him as his smooth mask fell back into place—the polite politician, careful not to offend. “Forget it,” I bit out, turning away.

  I slammed right into Angel. For fuck’s sake. How did he move so damned silently? His long fingers wrapped around my upper arms and he turned me around again. “No. Try again. You were almost there.”

  I froze in his grip. What the hell was I even doing right now? My cat had taken over for a minute there—my stupid instincts. I noticed Fin and Emerson watching me and I felt every bit of how crazy and unhinged I was acting right now. Theo watched me with a frown, his brows pulled so far together they were almost fused.

  “Angel,” he said tiredly. “Leave it alone.”

  But the siren had, apparently, had enough of our shit.

  “Absolutely not,” he said, steel in his silky voice. “Theo, tell Sam why you refuse to make them your mate.”

  Theo crossed his arms over his bare chest and lifted his chin. “I am only honoring your wishes, Sam. I’m trying to give you what you wanted.”

  I pulled out of Angel’s grip. “And just what the fuck do you think I want, Theo? Are you a mind reader now?”

  He frowned even harder. “You want freedom. Being bonded to someone was the last thing you ever wanted. You had to tie yourself to Angel to save his life, but if that hadn’t happened, you never would have done it. If I forced a mate bond on you, you’d run. Or even worse, because of who I am...you might think you were trapped—that you couldn’t run, even if you wanted to.” I was shocked at the bitter self-loathing that dripped from his voice.

  He face twisted into a mask of guilt and agony that left me reeling. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to fuck me, Sam,” he whispered. “But I swear, I won’t abuse my power like that again—”

  I held up a hand to shut him up. “Wait. You think...for fuck’s sake, Theo. You’re such a dumbass.”

  Angel snorted and brushed past me, his entire body radiating pissy anger. “You’re no better, Sam. Tell Theo why you said all that shit about not wanting him, before the press conference.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “And yes, I heard all about it. Your words cut like knives sometimes, Sam. I know the feeling of standing in the wrong place at the wrong time when you’re flinging them around.”

  I felt like a kid who’d just been reprimanded for something they knew was wrong. But instead of shrinking away, I bared my teeth and growled.

  Emerson crossed the room to sink into a chair next to Angel while Fin went to rummage around in the liquor cabinet, clearly understanding that this might take a while.

  I watched in disgust as Emerson tugged Angel into his lap and started murmuring something into his ear, clearly trying to soothe the siren off the brink of murdering both his mates.

  “Sam?” Theo said softly. I looked at him again to find the man I’d once only seen in brief glimpses here and there, through the cracks in his public persona. The realness of his gaze meeting mine, direct and unflinching, had my mouth flapping again without my permission. “I was jealous,” I muttered, looking down. “I see you and Angel together, and how much you want him. But you didn’t want me as a mate, even though your bird did. I realized I wanted you too, but I didn’t think that time in the office meant anything to you. So I did what I always did. I acted like a jackass.”

  Fin ruined the moment by snorting into his glass of whiskey. I glared at him and he just smirked. “You should know by now, Theo, you can’t take anything Sam says at face value. Ever.”

  I shook my head at him. “Thanks so much, asshole.”

  I turned my head when warm fingers touched my chin, urging me to look at Theo. “You truly want me? Not just because you feel pressured? Not because of who I am or because Angel wants us to be together?”

  I huffed. “Give me a little credit, moron.” I stared into those deep blue eyes and felt a little dizzy. “Besides, the sovereign isn’t who you are.” I pressed a hand to his hot chest to steady myself as I felt the world start to tilt. “Any idiot could see that.”

  One corner of Theo’s sculpted lips twitched upward into a soft smile as he closed the distance between us. “Oh really? I seem to recall you saying all you saw when you looked at me was a spoiled rich boy.”

  I shrugged, not looking away from those eyes. “Did you just hear what Fin said? He wasn’t wrong. I lie. A lot.” I swallowed. “It’s like I can’t fucking help myself sometimes. I’m working on it.”

  Theo smiled, the expression full of a heartbreaking fondness that I just couldn’t handle. “I know, Sam. Somehow I just didn’t apply that rule to myself. Stupid of me.” He arched his brows at me, expression serious. “I’m going to kiss you now. Fair warning. I’ll probably never stop. I tend to...hoard.”

  I laughed, grabbing his hips and yanking him close, tilting my head down just that inch or so to make up for his absolutely mediocre height. “I’ll probably never want you to stop. Truth.”

  The soft touch of Theo’s lips on mine was like a living flame. I forgot all about the audience in the room, arching against his compact form like the damned cat I was. I might have purred a little.

  When we came up for air, Emerson let out a deep
chuckle at something Angel said. Fin had climbed up onto the long fainting couch at the end of the bed, and he looked at us over the top of his mostly empty tumbler with a quirk of his red brows. “That was the sappiest shit I’ve ever heard. And I have to listen to those two idiots all day long.” He hiked a thumb at Angel and Emerson.

  I snorted. “Oh shut it, shorty. I remember a time when a certain redhead was so blissed out he couldn’t stop spouting nonsense. Oh, wait...that was just yesterday.”

  He flipped me off and I turned back to Theo. “I’m sorry I’m not...good at this stuff.”

  He reached out and touched my cheek, brushing my hair aside to cup my jaw. “In case you haven’t noticed, I have absolutely no clue how to love either, Sam. I’m sure your guild will let us know when we mess it up.”

  I grinned. “Oh, they will. Trust me. You can’t get them to shut up with the advice.”

  He slid his hand down to my shoulder, then trailed the warm touch down my arm to grip my hand. “I....” He swallowed, closing his eyes for a second and taking a deep breath. When he opened them again, his blue eyes were glowing like the hottest center of a flame. “I don’t need blood to bond with you. But you might not like my methods. I need to mark you with my flame, Sam.” I saw the yearning in his gaze, but also the question and the fierce way he was holding back how badly he wanted to bond. I knew how he felt, because my cat was practically screaming in my head, urging me to hurry the fuck up already and fill this last gaping hole in my heart.

  I had so much in my life to be damned grateful for. But without Theo I wasn’t quite whole.

  “It’s okay,” I said, my voice surprisingly even and sure. I tugged at the hand he held until he let me turn it over, exposing the soft part of my lower arm and wrist. “How about here, where everyone can see it?”

  A small part of me stood back in shock at how easily I’d just asked a fiend to mark me as his. To own me. I pushed that part back into its dark little corner and held Theo’s gaze. He was mine.

  The sovereign of Westhold, phoenix fiend and absolutely ridiculous nerd, traced one burning finger over my skin, just above my wrist, whispering words I couldn’t understand, his voice laced with magic.