Behind Every Lie

by Christina McDonald

  In my head I drew the lines connecting the five stars of the Big Dipper, remembering that they came from just one cloud of gas and dust, yet formed one perfect constellation. Just like me. There were so many parts to me. Scared. Brave. Insecure. Worthy. But that was okay.

  I looked down at the empty space where Liam’s engagement ring used to be. Maybe he’d buried me, but I was a seed. My shell was cracked, but that meant I could grow.

  I stared at the creamy glow of moonlight on the horizon, and Mom’s words that last night at the restaurant floated down to me.

  We can be strong and brave and broken and whole all at the same time.

  * * *

  Later that night, Jacob knocked on the front door. He was wearing a green windbreaker and ripped black jeans. He smelled clean, like freshly laundered clothes and peppermint gum. His dark hair was shorn close to his skull, a ragged scar visible at the back.

  “Hey,” I greeted him.

  “You ready?” he asked.

  “Yep.”

  Jacob raised an eyebrow.

  “Okay, I’m a little nervous,” I admitted.

  He shrugged as I locked the front door. “It’ll pass. Just like a kidney stone.”

  I laughed, the feeling a glorious relief, like when you get all the lights green on your way to work. A string of good luck.

  A light breeze from Puget Sound kicked up, the air fresh, like it had been washed clean. We walked slowly to Lily’s house. He moved this way now, a little stiffly. He was in physical therapy to regain full use of his right arm, but the remnants of his loose-limbed walk were still there.

  “So you’re going to London this Christmas?” he asked.

  “Yeah. David’s chemo went really well, and he’s invited me to stay. I thought it might be a good chance to get to know him.”

  We’d reached Lily’s house, but as I stepped up the stairs, Jacob tugged on my hand. His face was earnest and open, a sailor looking to the night sky.

  “I’m not going anywhere this time,” he said. “Whatever happens, I’m here.”

  “I know. Thanks.” I hugged him, and for a moment we just stood there in front of each other, breathing. One day maybe we’d explore these feelings more. But for now, I was learning to be strong on my own.

  Lily opened the door wearing a floaty pink skirt and a fuzzy, white cardigan. Her hair was immaculately cut into a precise silver-platinum bob. Her eyes were red-raw, the skin around them swollen and puffy.

  “Eva!” She started crying and pulled me into a tight embrace. “Oh, you poor thing. And poor Kat. I miss her terribly.” Lily pulled away and sniffed. “Come in, love. Come in.”

  Lily sat on one of the couches. Jacob and I sat across from her. I looked around the living room. It was exactly the same, the décor fresh, a clean white, with cream-colored couches, wicker chairs, and splashes of teal highlights. Like being near the ocean.

  “Aunt Lily …” I began. “Rose.”

  Lily’s hand fluttered to her throat, her eyes darting between Jacob and me.

  “How do you know?” she whispered.

  “Mom told me before she died. It just took me a while to remember.”

  A range of emotions stormed across her face.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “You lied. Both of you. About my whole life!”

  “They say that behind every lie is a person and a reason. Please understand.” Her voice was thin, tremulous. “We wanted to keep you safe. And later, when you grew up, it seemed too late, and we thought we’d lose you if you knew the truth.”

  She looked down, but left her hand on my arm. The hot skin of her fingertips was warm through the fabric of my shirt. There were more words in her fingertips than she ever could have said out loud. She revealed the depth of everything in that one touch.

  “I wish I’d known. Maybe I would’ve understood.” Tears clogged my throat. “She always seemed so … cold. I thought Andrew was her favorite, that I had done something wrong. And now …”

  A tear slid down my cheek into the crevice of my chin.

  “Now you’re worried your relationship will be frozen the way it was. But you mustn’t think that way. She loved you so much.” Lily leaned forward. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Why didn’t you want me?” I asked quietly.

  Lily’s face blanched. “I did! More than anything. I never wanted to stop being your mum. I would never have chosen that, I swear!”

  “Then why didn’t you come for me?”

  “I did. But by the time I found you, you already had a life without me. Kat was your mum. I didn’t want to upset that. I had been so selfish, made so many wrong choices, but I wanted to do what was best for you. Kat gave you structure, and I gave you laughter and fun. You got the best of both of us.” She reached out to touch my cheek. “Sometimes things happen and you can’t go back and do them over. You can’t change them. All you can do is keep moving forward.”

  I met Jacob’s eyes. He had said the same words not too long ago. He gave me a sad little smile.

  “You turned into a wonderful, resilient young woman. Watching you grow up, being your friend instead of your mum, it’s been hard, but it worked out. Right?” She was pleading with me, her eyes hot on mine.

  For a moment I didn’t know what to say. My words now would dictate our future relationship.

  I thought of Mom taking me from London to keep me safe, and me running away from my past, giving up my daughter to a better life. I thought of David, who’d decided to let me go, and Charlotte, who’d kept her baby.

  All we could do was keep trying, keep going, keep doing our best no matter the circumstances.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “I get it.”

  Lily blew out a long, shaky breath. She slapped her hands onto her knees and stood. “I have something for you.”

  She took a small, square envelope from the mantel over the fireplace and handed it to me. I lifted the flap. Inside was a piece of paper clipped to a picture. The paper had an address in Oregon jotted on it.

  I tugged the paper clip off and looked at the picture. It was of a little girl about three years old. She was sitting on a carpet of foamy puzzle pieces. The bedroom behind her was decorated in pink and gray, with white wooden floorboards, and pictures of bunny ballerinas on the wall. Her red hair hung in tangled waves down her back. She was looking up at the person taking the picture, smiling, her charcoal-gray eyes bursting with happiness.

  Tears welled in my eyes as I imagined all I’d given up. The dewy softness of her head in my palm. The weight of her body against my chest, her hair like silk against my face, her breath on my cheek smelling of honey. I imagined her as a toddler, learning to pull herself up; watching her as a child flying through the park on her bike; and then later, holding her veil as she prepared to walk down the aisle.

  “Kat said you regretted giving her up,” Lily said. “I’m very good at finding people. Lots of experience, you see. I tracked down her adoptive parents. If you want …”

  I traced my daughter’s face, the beam of her smile, the light in her eyes. I didn’t see Jacob or Liam in her. I just saw myself.

  She was so happy. Who was I to take that away?

  I looked at Jacob. His eyes were rimmed with red, hot with an ache I understood acutely. But something else was there, too. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Love. I realized something then. We aren’t defined by our tragedies, by our history, by our mistakes, but by pieces of love and sadness and happiness, and the whole range of human emotions we feel.

  Despite the trauma, or perhaps because of it, I had become who I was supposed to be. The moment sprinkled down on me like warm rain, filling my cracks. In a world of bad breaks—broken hearts, broken promises, broken dreams—I’d somehow managed to create the most beautiful future out of my very broken body.

  I slid the photo and the address back into the envelope and laid it on Rose’s fireplace mantel.

  In my mind, I held my little girl in my arms, hugged her close to my ch
est. And then I let her go.

  Finally, I was whole.

  acknowledgments

  THIS BOOK TOOK ME on an interesting journey, but there are two people who really made Behind Every Lie possible: my agent, Carly Watters, and my editor, Kate Dresser. Carly, thank you for your perfect blend of patient guidance and cheerful honesty. And Kate, thank you for taking my story and making it a book. Your insight and vision has taught me so much and I am incredibly grateful.

  Thank you to the phenomenal team at Simon & Schuster and Gallery Books for giving my book babies wings. And to Crystal, Taylor, and the team at BookSparks, thank you for your enthusiasm and for giving my books the reach I hoped for.

  Thank you to my son Adam, who is such a massive cheerleader and takes a huge interest in my writing and my career. It inspires me to know that I inspire you, Adam. And thank you to Aidan, my littlest, most charming little man, who constantly gives me funny things to add to my books. I love you both.

  I’m eternally grateful to my husband, Richard, who is always my first reader and biggest champion. From making dinner to doing laundry to keeping the kids occupied so I can write, you’ve worked as hard as I have to complete this book. Thank you for pushing me to achieve this dream, and for supporting me as I reach to achieve more.

  Authors are nothing without the other authors who’ve supported them. Thank you to Heather Gudenkauf, Mary Kubica, Kimberly Belle, David Bell, Claire Douglas, Alice Feeney, and Jenny Blackhurst, and so many other writers who’ve kindly read and championed my books and just been such a wealth of information throughout this crazy writer journey I love so much.

  Thank you to Lisa and Michael, who’ve patiently answered so many bizarre police and detective questions without even flinching a single time.

  And most of all, thank you to all my readers, reviewers, and book bloggers. I wouldn’t be here without you and I am forever grateful to every one of you who has bought a copy, shared a review, or posted a picture of Behind Every Lie.

  behind

  every lie

  Christina McDonald

  This reading group guide for Behind Every Lie includes an introduction, discussion questions, and ideas for enhancing your book club. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.

  Introduction

  Eva Hansen wakes in the hospital after being struck by lightning and discovers that her mother, Kat, has been murdered. Eva was found unconscious down the street. She can’t remember what happened, but the police are highly suspicious of her.

  Determined to clear her name, Eva heads from Seattle to London—Kat’s former home—for answers. But as she unravels her mother’s carefully held secrets, Eva soon realizes that someone doesn’t want her to know the truth. And with violent memories beginning to emerge, Eva doesn’t know whom to trust. Least of all herself.

  Told in alternating perspectives from Eva’s search for answers and Kat’s mysterious past, Christina McDonald’s Behind Every Lie is a “complex, emotionally intense” (Publishers Weekly) domestic thriller that explores the complicated nature of mother-daughter relationships, family trauma, and the danger behind long-held secrets.

  Topics & Questions for Discussion

  We know from the outset that Eva’s mother, Kat, is dead, but the author chooses to open the book with Eva and Kat at a celebratory dinner together. How would you describe their relationship based on this single interaction?

  Detective Jackson appears fixated on Eva from the start as the prime suspect in her mother’s murder. What do you think of his investigation tactics? Do you think he is being insensitive to Eva’s recent and past trauma, or is he simply doing his job?

  Eva describes Liam as the perfect man. Discuss the way he treats Eva after she is struck by lightning. What is your initial impression of Liam? Do you find him kind and protective or overbearing?

  Kat and Rose’s friendship has an unorthodox beginning. Describe their different parenting styles as seen in chapter six. Are the friends similar in any respects? With such differences, how does their relationship work?

  We learn about Kat’s husband, Eva’s father, in one of Kat’s flashbacks. Discuss Sebastian and Eva’s relationship. Why did Kat stay with him? How is his behavior different around Eva? Why can’t Kat discuss their relationship with Rose?

  Eva goes to dramatic lengths to remember the night her mother was murdered and to learn the truth about Kat’s past. With her innocence in question and relationships on the line, why do you think she took such huge risks? She has accepted losing memories before; what is different about this experience? Why fight so hard to get these memories back and not the others?

  In chapter fifteen we learn more about why Eva doesn’t trust the police. How would you feel if you reported a crime and were treated as Eva was? Despite her past experience, she still tries to share what she learns with Detective Jackson. Why is she so forthcoming? Would you trust the police to get it right in this instance?

  Everyone seems to doubt Eva’s memory loss, and with her own brother questioning her role in their mother’s death and memories gradually returning, even Eva begins to suspect herself. Before you finished the novel, how involved did you think she was in Kat’s death? Would you still want to know the truth if you were responsible?

  Since Eva was struck by lightning, it appears that she has experienced some psychological side effects. She has been moody, aggressive, and paranoid. How does her reaction when Liam tells her she’s trashed their living room fit in with these behaviors? Do you believe Liam’s version of events, since Eva can’t remember anything?

  When Rose returns from the dead, Kat decides it is still best to keep the truth from Eva. What do you think the right thing to do is? Does Kat make this decision for Eva or for herself?

  Discuss the differences between Eva’s relationship with Liam and her relationship with Jacob. Why does Eva finally walk away from Liam? What inspires her to tell Jacob the truth about the baby?

  Upon Rose’s return, we learn the truth about the day the first Eva fell from the window. How might things have been different if Kat had told Sebastian this twenty years ago? Why does she choose to tell him when he finds her?

  When Eva’s memories finally return, she learns the truth about more than just the night her mother died. What aspects of her memories shocked you most? Were you able to predict any of what unfolds by the novel’s end?

  Discuss the new relationships Eva forms with David and Rose. Do you think her relationships with them will change the way she views the people who raised her? How will the truth about her past change her relationship with Andrew?

  The Japanese art of kintsugi is a recurring theme in Eva’s life. How does it tie back into her discovery of the truth? Do you think understanding kintsugi will influence Eva’s healing and how she moves forward?

  Enhance Your Book Club

  Eva’s whole life is turned upside down after her mother is murdered. The more she learns, the more lies she uncovers. Discuss how you would deal with these kinds of life-changing revelations. How would you process them?

  Both Eva and Kat dealt with serious trauma in their lives. They are survivors. Discuss the way each of them handled these experiences. Describe their personalities. What does Eva learn from her mother? What have your parents taught you about surviving hardships? What have you picked up from them subconsciously?

  Imagine that you, like Eva, have lost your memories from a critical moment in your life. Discuss what that would be like. How far would you go to recover those memories? If you knew that a traumatic experience had robbed you of those memories, would you still want to get them back?

  More from the Author

  The Night Olivia Fell

  about the author

  © JUSTYNA KANTECKA

  Christina McDonald is the USA Today bestselling author of The Night O
livia Fell, which has been optioned for television by a major Hollywood studio. She has worked for companies such as USA Today, The Sunday Times (Dublin), and Expedia. Originally from Seattle, Washington, she has an MA in journalism from the National University of Ireland, Galway, and now lives in London, England.

  FOR MORE ON THIS AUTHOR:

  SimonandSchuster.com/Authors/Christina-McDonald

  SimonandSchuster.com

  Facebook.com/GalleryBooks

  @GalleryBooks

  Also by Christina McDonald

  The Night Olivia Fell

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  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2020 by Christina McDonald

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