On Christmas Avenue

by Ginny Baird

  “You don’t have to move on from me.” He hated that his voice cracked.

  Regret was written in her eyes. “Long-distance is hard. It’s not fair to you.”

  “Don’t I get to decide that?”

  “Yes. Yes, you do. By the same token, I get to decide what’s best for me.”

  “And that’s Seattle, I get that. It’s a promotion. You’ve worked hard. But that doesn’t have to prevent us from trying.”

  “I’m sorry.” Her cheeks sagged. “I just can’t see this happening. Me there. You here. I need to feel grounded, Evan. I do that best when I’m on my own.”

  “Do you?”

  Her lower lip trembled. “Yes.”

  “All right, then,” he said stepping back. “If that’s what you want.” He’d hoped to be taking her in his arms about now and giving her that kiss he’d dreamt of at Nash’s farm. He’d also hoped she’d be glad to maintain a relationship with him. On both counts, he’d been wrong. “I’m sorry if I pressured you or made you feel crowded.”

  She reached out and touched his arm, and Evan had to fight every instinct he had to hold her. “I’m sorry, Evan. If things were different. If I was different, but I’m not. I’m no good at relationships. When they’re long-distance, it’s even worse. I’d only let you down.”

  Evan’s gut clenched when he realized he was losing her, and not just to Richmond or to Seattle, but forever. “If you still want to come to dinner—”

  “Won’t that be awkward? After this conversation we’ve had?”

  He guessed he’d be a little uncomfortable, but he could tough it out for the sake of his family. They wanted to see Mary, and she’d probably enjoy having a nice Christmas dinner. Nobody would know that he and Mary had talked about this, anyway.

  “Not for me,” he lied. “If it isn’t for you.”

  “I would like to see your parents and tell them goodbye. Nash and Chloe, too.” She glanced over her shoulder. “I guess I’ll be seeing Marshall.”

  Evan gave a sad chuckle. “Yeah.”

  Her eyebrows rose. “What time is the dinner?” Then something in her eyes gave him an unexpected ray of hope, like she was pondering their discussion and wondering if there was a way for them to move forward. He couldn’t help himself from wondering too. And hoping. Evan viewed the festive holiday wreath on Marshall’s front door, and all the other wreaths hanging in the B&B’s front windows, and something in his heart told him not to give up. To have faith.

  He so badly wanted her to have faith, too. Faith in the two of them. “Four o’clock.”

  “Okay then.” She blew out a small breath. “Please tell your parents I’d love to.”

  Evan tried not to let his racing heart get ahead of him, but it beat wildly, anyway.

  “Want me to pick you up?” he asked. He knew she could ride with Marshall, but he’d take any opportunity to spend more time with her.

  “I’ll drive,” she said, asserting her independence, and Evan didn’t mind. As long as she was coming for Christmas dinner, he was happy. “Can you text me the directions?”

  Mary walked into the Clark Creek B&B with a heavy heart.

  “Way to go, Mary!” Marshall said in greeting. He sat behind the reception desk working on his computer. “What a day on Christmas Avenue.”

  “Yeah.” She smiled sadly. “Thanks.”

  “Are you checking out?”

  “No, I’ve decided to stay on a few more days, if that’s all right. Your folks asked me over for Christmas dinner.”

  “That’s excellent. I’m glad that you’ll be there, and of course you can stay. The room is yours for as long as you want it.” He thumbed through some papers on his desk. “If you don’t have plans for tonight, the Community Church has a Christmas pageant at five. The Thompsons are going, and some of my other guests. I’m sure they’d be happy to have you tag along.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “But I think I’ll have some downtime in my room, then go out somewhere and grab a quiet supper.”

  Marshall nodded. “After the busy day you’ve had, completely understood.”

  As Mary reached her room, her soul flooded with hurt and confusion. She felt like the most callous person on earth. Evan had been so honest and brave in opening up his heart, probably for the first time in a long while. And she’d completely shut the conversation down.

  The Seattle promotion had seemed like such a dream job at the outset. Now, it only felt like something that was ripping her away from the sort of life she’d always yearned for. The type of life people had in Clark Creek. When she’d looked in Evan’s eyes and he’d told her they could make Seattle work, she’d so much wanted to believe him. But then, she’d had to take a cold hard look at herself. She’d be leading Evan on to say she agreed. Breaking things off later would be far worse than breaking them off now.

  Mary sank down on the bed, her heart aching. She’d never met a man like Evan, someone so honorable and caring. The kind of guy she could imagine spending forever with. It was precisely because he was so wonderful that she didn’t want to hurt him by giving him false hope. But was that hope false if she believed they had a future too?

  Mary swept back her hair with her hands, thinking about all the places she’d lived, including probably too many hotels. She’d been uprooted time and time again. Putting down roots anywhere was a scary proposition. Putting down roots with a person, in a relationship, was equally terrifying. She just didn’t think she could do it.

  Mary fell back on her bed and pulled a pillow over her face. Poor Evan. What a horrible mess she’d made of everything. Without meaning to, she must have already led him on, or else he wouldn’t have suggested a long-distance relationship.

  Mary hated long-distance. She didn’t do long-distance. Above everything else, she didn’t want to do long-distance with Evan. It would break her heart.

  Mary pulled back the pillow and gasped as an epiphany hit her. She didn’t want long-distance with Evan, because she ached for something more intense and personal. A relationship where he could stand by her and hold her, day in and day out, not over the internet, or by text, email, or phone.

  She had to tell him that. It was unfair of her to make him believe he was the only one who’d felt their connection. Because she’d felt it, too. Not only that, she’d fallen for him. Super hard.

  Even if they couldn’t surmount Seattle, Mary needed Evan to know why she’d said no to his proposal about their seriously dating. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be with him. It was more like her heart couldn’t bear to be with him in that way. Separated by the width of the country. Evan Clark wasn’t a long-distance kind of guy. He was the sort of man you wanted to be with all the time, and the more she was around him, the more she would feel that. Until their circumstances of living at opposite ends of the country tore them apart. That was her fear, and she was just now seeing it.

  Evan had been upfront with her, so she was going to be honest with him.

  Mary picked up her phone and called him.

  When he answered, she could hear the hubbub of others around him and she guessed where he was. “Mary?” he said. “This is a surprise. Did you forget something?”

  There was more background noise, so she asked him, “Are you on Main Street?”

  “No,” he said warmly. “I’m on Christmas Avenue.” Mary was glad he could still joke and after what she’d recently said to him. This further convinced her of his good heart.

  “I did forget something,” she said. “There’s something important I’ve got to say. Something I probably should have said earlier. Only, I hadn’t totally processed it through.”

  “O-kay.” He sounded confused, and also a bit wary. “When did you want to talk?”

  “I was thinking tonight.”

  When he didn’t respond, she added. “It will just take a minute. Maybe we can meet up?”

  “At the gazebo, or do you want me to stop by over there?”

  “The gazebo’s perfect. Thanks. Wh
at time will you be free?”

  Mary reached the town square right after nightfall. Evan got to the gazebo at the same time, walking towards it from the courthouse.

  “Mary.” He tipped his hat. “You all right?”

  She’d worked up her nerve to say this and wasn’t backing down. “Do you mind if we sit?”

  He joined her on a bench in between two prettily decorated Christmas trees. A circle of lights shone dimly above them, and snow coated the darkened stretch of ground extending toward the ice rink. Children laughed and chattered, skating along with each other. Some with adults that Mary guessed were their parents. She questioned if she’d ever become a parent one day. She’d like to, if she married somebody as wonderful as Evan.

  “I was worried when you called,” he said. “I thought you might be backing out of Christmas dinner.”

  “Oh no, it’s not that.” She inhaled deeply. “I just have something to tell you.”

  His brow creased, and Mary pressed ahead. “It’s about…what we talked about earlier.”

  He looked hopeful for a moment, and she felt like a jerk for making him believe this was something it wasn’t.

  “What I mean is, Evan.” She set her hands on her knees and glanced down at the gazebo floor. “I’m sorry.” She met his eyes. “Sorry that I reacted the way I did when you were talking about a relationship. It’s not that I don’t want one.”

  “Do you?”

  “I would if I could.”

  His shoulders sagged. “I’m afraid we’re back where we started.”

  “No. I wanted to tell you. Admit how I feel.”

  He took her hand and held it. “You can always share your feelings with me. Even if they’re not what I hoped. I’ve come to care for you deeply. I also know from experience that emotions can’t be forced. If you don’t feel the way about me that I do about—”

  “But I do.” She squeezed his hand and he held on tight.

  “Do you?”

  Mary’s heart pounded and her lips felt dry. “Yes, Evan. I do. So, so much. Only…” She licked her lips. “I don’t think I can do long-distance with you.”

  “Why not?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Then explain it.”

  “All right. It’s hard because of who I am.”

  “I get that.” He leaned nearer and her face warmed. “You’re afraid of commitment.”

  Mary knew she’d commit to him in a heartbeat if she could honestly believe he’d be different. That things could be different, and promises could last a lifetime. But they didn’t. Her mom and dad were evidence of that. So were all her previous broken relationships. “That’s not it,” she said. “I’m afraid of not being committed to.”

  Evan studied her a long while. “Life’s been pretty hard on you, hasn’t it?”

  “I’ve had a good life. Lots of advantages.”

  “Yeah, but. Maybe not the sorts of advantages you wanted.”

  He was so intuitive, and really saw her on a much deeper level than any other man had. Maybe he was right about that. Despite the good things she’d been provided, maybe she’d been lacking in other areas: compassion, stability, emotional warmth, and enduring romantic love.

  “Anyway.” She hung her head. “I just wanted to tell you. It wasn’t about not wanting to be with you. It’s the opposite. Because I’ve come to care for you too. Deeply. I have. I just can’t be with you like that. Not with us living in different places. I hope you understand.”

  He sat there a moment beside her, staring out at the skating rink. Then, he turned and met her eyes. “Believe it or not, I do.”

  Somehow, she felt better, though still awfully sad about going to Seattle. She’d probably feel differently once she got there, and the excitement of being in a new place took over.

  “So,” he said after a beat. “Are we still on for Christmas dinner?”

  “Boy, are we ever!” She grinned at him, her heart feeling lighter. Evan always improved her mood. It was one of his gifts. “Does your mom make a great stuffing?”

  “My dad makes the stuffing, and it’s delicious.”

  Mary laughed. “I can’t wait to taste it. I wish there was something I could bring. Maybe some wine?”

  He shook his head. “Just bring yourself.”

  They both got to their feet, and Mary felt like something had been settled between them. Things didn’t feel awkward anymore. They’d arrived at an understanding, as imperfect as it was. She was still going away, but she’d been honest with Evan about her feelings like he’d been honest with her, and communicating openly had felt so good. Relationships weren’t just about finding the right one. Often, they were about timing, too. And the timing for her and Evan just didn’t seem to be right.

  She thought they were about to say goodnight, then Evan surprised her with a request. “Since you’re leaving here anyway, do you think you could do me one last favor?”

  Her eyebrows rose.

  “Dance with me.”

  Mary’s pulse raced and her cheeks burned hot. “What? Here?”

  “I would like that very much.”

  “But there’s no music.”

  “No?” He cocked his chin. “Listen.”

  She did, but all she heard were the happy sounds from the skating rink.

  “Harder,” he urged.

  She homed in on her surroundings and then—she heard it. The very faint tune of Christmas music spilling onto the ice…and the sound of heavy wet snow hitting the trees in the town square…the cool wintry breeze sifting through the gazebo and riffling her hair…

  And the symphony of emotions written in Evan’s eyes.

  “What do you hear?” he asked, his voice husky.

  Her smile trembled. “Christmas.”

  “That’s what I hear, too.” He shot her a lopsided grin and her heart thundered. “Thanks to you.” He stepped toward her and held out his hands. Mary walked into his embrace, longing to be near him. Aching to feel his arms around her, even if this was the last time.

  They surrounded her with their sturdy warmth, and she slid her arms around his neck. He gently tugged her up against him and held her tighter, as they swayed together—heart to beating heart—beneath the colorful glow of Christmas lights in the gazebo.

  Evan was right. They didn’t need any music. It was here all around them, and also inside them, although nobody else could hear it. She giggled, loving this moment, but also realizing how they must look to passersby. “People are going to think we’re nuts.”

  He whispered in her ear and tingles tore down her spine. “Let them.”

  Mary sighed in his embrace, not wanting to think about Seattle or moving so far away. All she wanted to do was dwell on the present, so she could remember this night forever.

  “This is so special.” She gazed up at him. “You’re so special.”

  His eyes danced. “So are you.”

  Her heart felt full to bursting and Mary knew there was no stopping the swell of emotions rising up inside of her. They had been building and building until she couldn’t hold them back anymore. “Evan,” she said. “I love you.”

  “I’m so glad.” A grin warmed his handsome face. “Because I love you too.”

  And then, while the music of Christmas rang out around them and sang in their hearts, he kissed her, making Mary believe in miracles of every kind.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Evan woke up early on Christmas morning, because he had so much to do. His first order of business was calling a certain jewelry store in Hopedale. Unfortunately, he received the answer he expected when he phoned: a prerecorded message saying the shop was closed for the holiday and would reopen on December twenty-eighth.

  He tried his mom next.

  “Evan,” she said brightly when she picked up the phone. “Merry Christmas! Your dad and I look forward to seeing you and Mary today. We were happy to get your text that she’s coming.”

  “Yeah, me too. Hey, Mom?”

&
nbsp; “Hmm?”

  While Evan didn’t want to get his mom in on his business, sometimes necessary sacrifices had to be made. “I was wondering if you had a list of those sponsors from the Christmas parade.”

  “Sponsors?” she sounded perplexed. “Sure, but why would you ask about the list?”

  “Because, um…I was hoping to get in touch with somebody.”

  “Today? Son, it’s Christmas.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I do know that, and that’s also part of the rush.”

  “What rush?”

  “Can you please work with me and not ask so many questions?”

  She thought on this. “All right.”

  “I was wondering if you might have contact information for Sam Singleton? Personal contact information, like his cell phone or something.”

  “Ooh, is this about Mary?”

  “Mom.” Evan dragged a hand down his face. “You promised.”

  “I sure did,” she said in happy tones. Then Evan heard her whisper to his dad. “Evan’s calling Sam Singleton—of Singleton’s Jewelers!”

  “Not calling yet.” Evan sighed. “You haven’t given me his number.”

  “Let me go grab my laptop. Hang on!” A few minutes later she returned. “I’m not sure if he’ll answer,” she said. “He’s probably spending the holiday with his family.”

  Evan conceded it was an imposition, but in light of the surprise he had planned, he’d decided he needed to try. “Yeah, thanks.”

  “Good luck, son!” he heard his dad say before his mom ended the call. “We’re rooting for you.”

  But nobody could be rooting harder for a happy outcome than Evan himself.

  He dialed the number his mom had given him, and a man answered on the third ring.

  “Sam here.”

  “Sam, hey. It’s Evan Clark over in Clark Creek.”

  “The sheriff, right?” Sam paused. “I hope there’s no trouble?”

  “No. None at all. I apologize for bothering you on Christmas. I know it’s a family time. I wouldn’t be calling unless it was important.”