‘Whisht,’ interrupted Wogan. ‘There are no plots at all, any more than there’s sense in your talk.’
But the woman’s eloquence was not so easily stemmed.
‘Then if there are no plots, why is Mr. Kelly “Mr. Johnson,” why is Mr. Wogan “Mr. Hilton”; and why, oh why, am I in danger of my life and liberty, and in peril of my immortal soul?’
‘Sure you are bubbled with your fears, answered Wogan. ‘It is sufficiently well known that since Mr. George Kelly ceased to minister to souls he has adopted the more lucrative profession of a lace merchant. There’s some secrecy no doubt in his comings and goings, but that is because he is most honourably engaged in defrauding the revenue.’
‘A pretty lace merchant, upon my soul,’ said she, and she began to rock her body to and fro. The sight alarmed Nicholas Wogan, since he knew the movement to be a premonition of tears. ‘A lace merchant who writes letters in Latin, and rides in the Bishop of Rochester’s coach, and goes a-visiting my Lord Oxford in the country. Thirteen shillings have I paid for letters in one day. Laces, forsooth! It is hempen ropes the poor gentleman travels in, and never was a man so eager to fit them to his own neck.’ And, at the affecting prospect which her words called up, the good woman lifted her apron to her eyes and forthwith dissolved into tears. Sobs tore her ample bosom, her soft frame quivered like a jelly. Never did Mr. Wogan find his intimate knowledge of the sex of more inestimable value. He crossed the room; he took one plump hand into his left palm and gently cherished it with his right. The tears diminished to a whimpering. He cooed a compliment into Mrs. Barnes’s ear, ‘A little white dove of a hand in a brown nest, my dear woman,’ said he, and affectionately tweaked her ear. Even the whimpering ceased, but ceased under protest! For Mrs. Barnes began to speak again. Wogan, however, kissed the tearful eyes and sealed them in content.
‘Hoity-toity, here’s a set out,’ he said, ‘because my Lord Oxford wants a pair of Venice ruffles to hide his gouty fingers, or a new mantilla for his new spouse,’ and so, softly chiding her, he pushed her out of the room.
At nine o’clock to the minute the chaise drove up to the door. Mr. Kelly took a stroll along the street to see the coast was clear; Mrs. Barnes was in two minds whether to weep at losing her lodgers, or to smile at their prospects of security, and compromised between her emotions by indulging them alternately; and finally the two friends in burgess dress entered the chaise and drove off. Mr. Wogan thrust his head half out of the window, the better to take his fill of the cool night air, but drew it back something of the suddenest at the corner where Ryder Street debouches into St. James’s.
‘Sure the man’s a spy,’ said he, flinging himself back. Parson Kelly leaned cautiously forward, and under an oil-lamp above the porch of a door he saw Captain Montague. The Captain was standing in an indecisive attitude, tapping with his stick upon the pavement and looking up and down the street.
‘I doubt it,’ returned Kelly. ‘I have ever heard he was the most scrupulous gentleman.’
‘But he’s a Whig. A Whig and a gentleman! But it’s a contradiction in terms. Whigging is a nasty insupportable trade, and infects a man like a poison. A Whig is a sort of third sex by itself that combines all the failings of the other two.’
However, this time it was evident that Captain Montague had taken no note of Nicholas Wogan. He could not but reflect how it was at this very spot that he had come upon the captain before, and mighty glad he was when the lights of Knightsbridge had sunk behind them, and they were driving betwixt the hedgerows. Then at one spring he jumped to the top of his spirits.
‘George, what a night!’ cries he. ‘Sure I was never designed to live in a house at all, but to be entirely happy under the blue roof-tree of the sky. Put me out on a good road at night and the whole universe converses with me on the most familiar terms. Perhaps it’s a bush that throws out a tendril and says, “Smell that, you devil, and good luck to you.” Or, maybe it’s the stars that wink at me and say, “Here’s a world for you, Nick, my little friend. Only wait a moment, and we’ll show you a bit of a moon that’ll make a poet of you.” Then up comes the moon, perhaps, in a crescent like a wisp of fire, and, says she, “It’s all very well here, Nicholas, but take my word for it, I can show you as good on the sea and better. For you’ll have all this, and the hiss of the water under your lee besides, and the little bubbles dancing on the top.” But what troubles you, George?’
But Kelly made little or no reply, being sunk in the consideration of some difficulty. For two days he remained closeted with his trouble, and it was not until they had got to Worcester that he discovered it. They changed horses at the ‘Dog and Turk’ and drove through the town under the Abbey clock.
‘It is five minutes to twelve,’ said Wogan, looking at the clock.
‘Yes,’ said Kelly with a sigh, ‘the face is very plain to read.’ Then he sighed again.
‘Now, if the clock were a woman,’ said he, ‘it might be half-past four and we still thinking it five minutes to twelve.’
‘Oh, is it there you are?’ said Wogan.
‘Why, yes,’ replied Kelly. ‘Lord Oxford, do you see, Nick, is a half-hearted sort of trembler — that we know and are ready for him. But what of my lady?’
Wogan crossed his legs and laughed comfortably. Here was matter with which he could confidently deal.
‘Well, what of her?’ he asked.
‘You heard what Fanny Oglethorpe said. She is a kinswoman of Mr. Walpole’s. How shall we be sure of her at all? A woman, Nick, is a creature who walks in the byways of thought. How shall an obtuse man follow her?’
Wogan took a pinch of snuff.
‘It is very well, George,’ said he, ‘that I took this journey with you. I’ll make your conduct plain to you as the palm of my hand. In the first place, there was never a woman yet from Cleopatra downwards that cared the scrape of a fiddle for politics. ’Twas never more than a path that led to something else, and is held of just as small account as the road a girl dances down when she goes to meet her lover. Look at Fanny Oglethorpe, Olive Trant, and the rest of them in Paris! D’you think it’s the Cause they ever give a thought to? If you do you’re sadly out, my friend. No; what troubles their heads is simply that the Chevalier is a romantical figure of a man, and would look extraordinarily well with a gold crown on the top of his periwig. Now I’m wagering it will be just the same with my Lady Oxford. You have all the qualifications down to your legs, and let my lady once take a liking to your person she will gulp your politics without a grimace.’
Mr. Kelly turned a startled face towards his instructor.
‘You would have me pay court to her?’ says he.
‘Just that,’ says Wogan, imperturbably. ‘Keep your politics for my lord and have a soft word ready for my lady. Pen her a delicate ode in Latin. To be sure the addresses of an erudite man have something particularly flattering to the sex. Or drop out a pretty compliment on her ear.’
‘Oh, on her ear?’ said Kelly, beginning to smile. ‘Of what sort?’
‘Faith, George, but you exasperate me,’ said Nick. ‘Isn’t there an infinity of images you could use? For instance — ,’ said he, and hummed a little.
‘Well, for instance!’ said Kelly, urging him on.
‘For instance,’ returned Wogan, ‘you can speak of its functions—’
‘I understand. I am to tell her that it is a very proper thing for a woman to sit and listen to other people.’
‘Tell her that,’ cries Wogan, lifting up his hands, ‘and you will be drubbed down the staircase pretty quick! No. Tell her there is never a poet laureate in the world would print a single one of his poems if he could treasure his music within her ear.’
‘Ah,’ says Kelly. ‘That is a compliment of quite a different kind,’ and he repeated it three times to commit it to memory. ‘But one, Nick, will not suffice. I must have more sayings about her ear.’
‘And you shall,’ says Wogan. ‘You can speak of its appearance.’
&
nbsp; ‘Of its appearance?’
‘And fit a simile to it.’
‘Give me one,’ said Kelly.
‘You can say her ear is like a rosy shell on the sea-banks.’
Mr. Kelly began to laugh outright.
‘Sure,’ said he, ‘I might as well tell her at once her hair is sandy.’
‘Oh, she will not examine your words so nicely. She will just perceive that you intend a compliment.’
‘And take me for a very impertinent fellow.’
‘George’ said Wogan, ‘for a parson you are a man of a most unnatural modesty.’ In which remark Wogan did his friend no more than the merest justice. For he had nothing in common with that usual foible of the young chaplains and tutors who frequent the houses of the great.
To listen to them over a bottle you would think them conquerors of all hearts, from the still-room maid to my lady and her daughters. But Mr. Kelly was in a different case. The Bishop of Rochester himself gave him the character of being prudent and reserved beyond his years. And perhaps it was by reason of that very modesty that he slid insensibly into the thoughts of more women than he knew of. Of these, however, Lady Oxford was not one.
It was about three in the afternoon of the next day when the chaise drove up to the door of the great house at Brampton Bryan. The Parson and Nicholas Wogan had barely stepped into the hall before an inner door opened and my lady came forward to greet them. She was for her sex uncommonly tall, and altogether of a conquering beauty, which a simple country dress did but the more plainly set forth. For, seeing her, one thought what a royal woman she would look if royally attired, and so came to a due appreciation of her consummate appearance. Whereas, had she been royally attired, her dress might have taken some of the credit of her beauty. She stood for a second between the two men, looking from one to the other as though in doubt.
‘And which is Mr. James Johnson? ‘said she, with a sly emphasis upon the name.
‘I am,’ said George, stepping forward, ‘and your Ladyship’s humble servant.’
She gave him a smile and her hand. Mr. Kelly clicked his heels together, bent over the hand and kissed it reverentially.
The lady sighed a quick little sigh (of pleasure) as she drew her hand away.
‘I have taken the liberty, your Ladyship,’ said Kelly, ‘to bring my secretary, Mr. Hilton, with me,’ and he waved a hand towards Wogan.
‘Mr. Hilton,’ she returned, ’is very welcome. For, indeed, we hear too few voices in the house.’ She bowed very graciously, but she did not give her hand to Mr. Wogan. ‘Gentlemen,’ she continued, ‘my lord bids me make you his apologies, but he lies abed. Else would he have welcomed you in person.’
‘Your Ladyship,’ said Kelley, ‘if we come at an inopportune time—’
‘By no means,’ interrupted Lady Oxford. ‘My lord is troubled with the gout, but the fit is passing. And if for a couple of days my poor hospitality will content you—’
‘Your Ladyship,’ protested Kelly, but that was all he said. Now, to Mr. Wogan’s thinking, here was as timely an occasion for a compliment as a man could wish. And since Mr. Kelly had not the tact to seize it, why, his friend must come to his help. Accordingly,
‘So might the holy angels apologise when they open the gates of Paradise,’ said Wogan with his hand on his heart, and bowed. As he bowed he heard some stifled sounds, and he looked up quickly. My lady was crimson in the face with the effort to check her laughter.
‘Mr. Hilton is too polite,’ said she instantly, with an elaborate courtesy, and turned again to Kelly with some inquiries about his journey. Wogan was shown up the stairs before the inquiries were answered. The staircase ran round the three sides of the hall up to a landing on the fourth, and as Wogan came to the first turn he saw Lady Oxford cross to the great wood fire which was burning on the hearth; when he came to the second he saw that the Parson had crossed too and stood over against her; when he reached the third turn, my lady was seated toasting a foot at the blaze; when he reached the landing, Mr. Kelly had drawn up a chair.
Wogan leaned for a moment over the balustrade. It was a very small foot with an admirably arched instep; Mr. Wogan had seen the like in Spain. Well, very likely she only thrust it out to warm it. The firelight coloured her face to a pretty rose hue, sparkled in her dark eyes, and searched out the gold threads in her brown hair. Mr. Wogan was much tempted to whisper a reminder to his friend concerning her ear. But he resisted the temptation, for after all it seemed there would be little to do about my lady’s politics.
CHAPTER IV
SHOWS THE EXTREME DANGER OF KNOWING LATIN
AN HOUR LATER the three sat down to dinner, though, for all the talking that one of them did, there might have been present only the two whom Wogan had left chatting in the hall. It was not that Lady Oxford omitted any proper courtesy towards Mr. Johnson’s secretary, but the secretary himself, sensible that he was something too apt to say in all companies just what came into his head, was careful to keep his tongue in a strict leash, lest an inconvenient word should slip from him. His deficiency, however, was not remarked. Lady Oxford was young, and for all that my lord lay upstairs in a paroxysm of the gout, she was in the highest feather; she rattled from course to course, plying Mr. Kelly with innumerable questions as to the latest tittle-tattle of the tea-parties, and whether Lady Mary Wortley and Mr. Pope were still the best of friends.
‘Then your Ladyship is acquainted with Lady Mary?’ says Kelly, looking up with some eagerness. For Lady Mary, then a toast among the wits and a wit among the toasts, was glanced at by some tongues as if, being sister to the Duchess of Mar, she was not of the most loyal to the Elector. The Duke of Mar was still Secretary to King James over the water.
‘Without doubt,’ returned Lady Oxford. ‘Lady Mary is my bosom friend. The dear malicious creature! What is her latest quip? Tell me, Mr. Johnson, I die to hear it. Or rather whisper it. It will be too deliciously cruel for loud speaking. Lady Mary’s witticisms, I think, should always be spoken in a low voice, with a suggestive nod and a tap of the forefinger on the table, so that one may not mistake where the sting lies. Not that the sayings are in themselves at all clumsy — how could they be, when she has such clever friends? But they gain much from a mysterious telling of them. You agree with me?’
It was evident that Lady Oxford wasted no love on Lady Mary, and Kelly’s face fell.
‘Your ladyship,’ he replied, ‘though I have no claims to be considered clever, I have the honour to be ranked amongst her friends.’
‘Indeed!’ said she with a light laugh at the rebuff. ‘No doubt you have brought her some of your laces and brocades from France, Mr. Johnson.’ She paused slyly upon the name.
Kelly glanced quickly at her, their eyes met, and the lady laughed. There could be no doubt that she knew something of Kelly’s business. Indeed, she would hardly have asked him for the fashionable gossip at all had she taken him for just what he represented himself to be. Wogan put his foot on his friend’s pretty heavily, and, he knows not how, encountered her ladyship’s. To his horror, Lady Oxford made a moan of pain. Kelly starts up in a hurry.
‘Your ladyship is unwell,’ says he, and bids the servant bring a bottle of salts.
‘No,’ she replied with a smile on her lips and her eyes full of tears, ‘but your secretary has dropped a blot on the wrong paper.’
‘Your ladyship,’ cried Wogan in an extremity of confusion, ‘it was the most miserable accident, believe me. A spasm in the leg, madam, the consequence of a sabre cut across the calf,’ he explained, making the matter worse.
‘Oh, and in what battle was Mr. Johnson’s secretary wounded?’ she said, taking him up on the instant.
‘In a struggle with the Preventive men,’ replied Wogan hurriedly, and he too broke off with a wry face, for Mr. Johnson was warning him and with no less vigour. Before he knew what he was doing Wogan had stooped down and begun to rub his leg. Lady Oxford’s smile became a laugh.
‘To be sure,’ sa
id she, ‘and I think Mr. Johnson must have been wounded too, in just that same way, and in just that same encounter.’
‘Faith, madam,’ said Kelly, ‘the smuggling trade is a hard one. No man engages in it but sooner or later he gets a knock that leaves its mark.’
Lady Oxford expressed the profoundest sympathy with a great deal of disbelief; and when her ladyship left her guests to their wine, they looked at one another across the table.
‘Well,’ said Wogan cheerfully, ‘if my Lady Oxford is in Mr. Walpole’s interest we have not made the best beginning in the world,’ and in a little he went off to smoke a pipe in the stables.
Kelly withdrew to the great library, and had not been there many minutes before Lady Oxford came in. It seemed she did not see him at the first, although he sat bent up over the fire and his shadow huge upon the walls. Mr. Kelly certainly did not remark her entrance. For one thing, he was absorbed in his book; for another, the carpet was thick and the lady’s step of the lightest. She went first to the bookcase, then she crossed the room and shuffled some papers on a table, then she knocked against a chair, the chair knocked against the table, and at the noise Kelly looked up. He rose to his feet. Lady Oxford turned round, started, and uttered a sharp little cry.
‘My lady,’ began Mr. Kelly.
‘Oh, it is you, Mr. Johnson,’ she broke in with a hand to her heart, and dropped into the chair. ‘I believe,’ she said with a broken laugh, ‘I was foolish enough to be frightened. I fancied you had gone with your friend to the stables,’ which was as much as to say that she knew he had not. Kelly commenced an apology for so disordering her, but she would not listen to it.
‘No,’ she said, ‘it is I that am to be blamed. Indeed, such stupid fears need chiding. But in a house so lonely and silent they grow on one insensibly. Indeed, I have known the mere creak of the stairs keep me awake in terror half the night.’
Complete Works of a E W Mason Page 264