Get Out of Your Own Way

by Mark Goulston

  Seek opportunities to offer what you need to your parent. Don’t be surprised if both of you are moved, even to the point of tears. The tears don’t mean something is wrong, but that something that was wrong has finally been made right.

  Getting Involved With the Wrong People

  “Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.”

  —GEORGE WASHINGTON

  “Maybe I should become a nun!” Judy proclaimed as she plopped into the chair. “I just broke up with another guy. It started out great, but he turned out to be a domineering bastard. The total opposite of the wimp I was with before, the one who couldn’t even decide what restaurant to go to. Why do I always get involved with men I end up feeling scared of or sorry for? Isn’t there some way to spot them in advance?”

  Judy is not the only one who wishes she had some sort of jerk detector. And it’s not just women who have this wish. Men complain that the women they’re attracted to turn out to be either bitchy and controlling or needy and clingy. And both sexes complain about friends, family members and colleagues who either attack them constantly or crumble at the slightest offense.

  Like shoppers trying to spot bad apples without taking a bite, we wish we could identify the rotten people because, unlike rotten apples, they bite us. If you repeatedly get involved with the wrong people, each of them is probably one of two types. The first type impresses you with power, charisma and strength. If you feel powerless, you might be drawn to one of them in hopes of absorbing some power by osmosis or association. The irony is that, like vampires, these people sustain their power by sucking it from others. They are takers. You might not realize this because they know how to make you feel special. That’s because they haven’t started to hurt you yet. They will before long.

  You’re drawn to people of the second type because they need you. You identify with them, and treat them as you want to be treated. It’s a chance to do good, to feel important, or even be a hero. They seem unthreatening, incapable of hurting you. But they are also incapable of giving much. You feel that if you prop them up enough, they will eventually be capable of giving something back. More often than not, they simply drain you. In the long run, you feel used and used up, and you become exactly what you never wanted to be: cold, aloof and maybe even abusive to them.

  With both types, your best intentions defeat you in the end. One way to avoid this outcome is to identify the core of the other individual’s personality. This enables you to relate more effectively instead of wishing you’d never met the person. Those to be wary of have either a core of hate or a core of hurt.

  People with a core of hate are at war with the world. Often charming at first, they are competitive, adversarial and usually belligerent. They turn every disagreement into a confrontation and quickly try to gain the upper hand. When you’re with them, you end up feeling wrong or inferior.

  “A true friend unbosoms freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably.”

  —WILLIAM PENN

  Often the products of abusive childhoods, people with a core of hate can’t stand to lose. It’s as if they were so badly hurt as children they vowed to always get their way as adults. You might welcome such combativeness from your lawyer, but not from friends, lovers or associates. You can become so afraid of getting hurt that you sacrifice your own needs to accommodate them.

  Tell a core-of-hater your goals and aspirations, and he will try to deflate your enthusiasm and maybe even root against you. Watch him in the company of someone less fortunate than himself, and he tends to be unconcerned, perhaps even scornful or condescending.

  People with a core of hurt are more frustrating than hurtful. Being with them is like walking on eggshells; unless you’re extra careful not to hurt their feelings, you’ll end up feeling guilty. They take everything personally, but instead of lashing out they fall apart and retreat, making you feel sorry for them.

  Usually products of emotional neglect, core-of-hurters grow up feeling unloved, unspecial, unprotected, and unworthy. They won’t root against you, but they won’t root for for either. They simply feel too deprived to root at all. Around the less fortunate they feel too depleted and overwhelmed to help; then they feel inadequate because they can’t rescue the person.

  “A noble person attracts noble people, and knows how to hold on to them.”

  —GOETHE

  Fortunately, there is a third type: those who have a core of health. Open-minded, confident, with strong convictions and a good sense of humor, they are the ones we want in our lives. Made to feel safe and loved as children, core-of-healthers tend to be loyal, honest and sincere. When hurt or upset, they bounce back quickly, without holding a grudge or trying to even the score. Because they are not threatened by anyone else’s success, they will root for you with enthusiasm. With the less fortunate, they are genuinely compassionate and usually try to help. These are the people to turn to in times of need.

  Unfortunately, most people you meet will have either a core of hate or a core of hurt. It’s not necessarily self-defeating to associate with them, unless you get pulled into their core like a beam of light into a black hole. If you handle them effectively, you might be able to build a satisfying relationship. Just remember, changing is their responsibility, not yours.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  Avoid the core of hate, understand the core of hurt, seek out the core of health.

  TAKING ACTION

  How to Deal With a Core of Hate

  If you can’t avoid them, accept that you can’t change them.

  Don’t become too intimate or trusting.

  Don’t get suckered into competing with them. You can’t win with people who won’t lose; even if you gain a victory they won’t let you enjoy it.

  Don’t be intimidated or get deterred from acting in your own best interests.

  Don’t argue or debate with them; just think of a fair and reasonable course of action, and follow through.

  How to Deal With a Core of Hurt

  Understand that just because they act hurt doesn’t mean you’re hurting them.

  Don’t get trapped in their moods or take responsibility for cheering them up.

  Remember, it is not in your power to make them happy.

  Try to deal with them dispassionately and objectively.

  Clarify ahead of time which behaviors and attitudes you expect of them, and what they can reasonably expect of you.

  Procrastinating

  “It is better to begin in the evening than not at all.”

  —ENGLISH PROVERB

  “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”

  —DONALD ROBERT PERRY MARQUIS

  “Loneliness … is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.”

  —THOMAS WOLFE

  At a seminar, I asked an audience of 500 men and women to raise their hands if procrastination ranked among their top three self-defeating behaviors. Almost 90% did.

  Nearly everyone puts off until tomorrow what could be done today, even experts on self-defeating behavior. For years, every time I was quoted in the media, people would say, “You should write a book.” It was flattering, but it made me feel awful. I knew I should write a book. I wanted to write a book. I had even started one. But there was always a reason to put the work off. I mocked myself: “How can you help people change when you can’t even conquer your own laziness?”

  Then I realized what was holding me back. I was lonely. The prospect of long, intense periods of working alone seemed intolerable. Once I recognized the problem, I knew what to do: find a partner and collaborate. From that point on, the book came together smoothly and enjoyably.

  There are, of course, many reasons people procrastinate: self-doubt, boredom, fear of failure, the feeling of being unready or unprepared and so on. But these feelings, by themselves, don�
��t necessarily lead to procrastination. Often what tips the scales is going through them alone, with no one to help you, bolster you, or cheer you on. You might curse yourself for being lazy, or cowardly, or lacking in confidence, but your real obstacle might be loneliness, especially if you procrastinate mainly on solitary tasks.

  The problem usually has early roots. For example, when a child takes her first tentative steps toward walking, she fluctuates between the thrill of mastery and the terror of the unknown. When she feels thrilled, she doesn’t need anyone. But as soon as she becomes frightened, she looks back to her mother or father to restore her sense of safety and boost her confidence. Hearing “It’s okay, don’t be afraid, you can do it!” helps her move forward. But if she looks back and does not find that support, she will fall down and revert to crawling. She will not be ready to walk as long as she has to do it alone. The process is similar each time a child has to face a difficult task. If no adult is there to offer comfort and support, the child will come to associate challenges with the pain of being alone.

  A child who is given encouragement, guidance and reassurance will grow up to have the adult counterparts—confidence, common sense and resilience—to call upon in times of doubt. On the other hand, if solitary pursuits trigger emotional memories of being vulnerable and afraid, he will tend to procrastinate as an adult.

  The key to overcoming loneliness-based procrastination is to enlist the support of other people.

  A procrastinator can become an activator when he’s around others. That’s why people have jogging buddies, study groups and collaborators. It is also why successful self-help groups like Alcoholics Anonymous rely on “sponsors” to help struggling members through difficult times.

  In the absence of a full partner, try to involve someone who will bolster your efforts. I did this, for example, with a woman who had delayed work on her Ph.D. dissertation for three years. I phoned her every morning at nine o’clock and asked her questions such as, “Are you at your desk? What are you going to do next? What will you do when that’s finished?” I also had her leave me a message each time she completed another hour of work. It might seem unnecessary to treat a responsible adult this way, but it worked. Like most of us, she didn’t mind putting up with some duress as long as she did not have to endure it alone.

  If you can’t find an actual partner or monitor, try conjuring the image of a loving parent, grandparent, friend or teacher—someone you would not want to disappoint, and whom you can imagine saying, “Good work, you’re doing great!” when you finally do what you’ve been avoiding. Even if only imagined, the support of another person can be the key to getting done what you would otherwise put off.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  We procrastinate not because we’re lazy, but because we’re lonely.

  TAKING ACTION

  Stop wasting more time putting yourself down for procrastinating.

  Stop setting yourself up by saying, “Next time it’s going to be different.”

  Arrange to work with a partner.

  Or, enlist the aid of a supportive friend and check in with him or her when you are struggling to begin a task.

  Reciprocate by offering to help the friend with something he or she is trying to get done.

  Expecting Others to Understand How You Feel

  “No human being can really understand another, and no one can arrange another’s happiness.”

  —GRAHAM GREENE

  A 42-year-old historian, Janet Lake had taken a sabbatical from her university to write a textbook. To balance her isolation, she set up frequent get-togethers and accepted every invitation that came along. She complained that she had to practically beg her husband, Robert, to join in. Robert viewed the pressure as an invasion of privacy, and belittled Janet’s “excessive need to socialize.” Janet also griped that when her husband did join in, he was rude and unfriendly. In return, Robert criticized her for being “hypercritical.”

  By the time the Lakes came to see me, the issue threatened to destroy their seven-year marriage. Clearly, each spouse had valid feelings and felt entitled to be understood. Just as clearly, neither one could comprehend the other. The gap was so huge they might have hailed from separate planets. To make things even more tense, each was convinced that the other could understand but just didn’t want to.

  “You don’t understand!” is one of the most frequent accusations hurled between people. It’s exasperating to be misunderstood, so we explain ourselves again and again. And again. Then the frustration escalates to anger, because even more upsetting than not being understood is feeling that the other person isn’t even trying to understand. Our feelings are perfectly obvious to us, so they must be obvious to them too. They’re just being stubborn. They don’t care! So we try to force them to understand, which makes them feel cornered, and now there are two angry people. If they weren’t in the mood to understand before, they’re certainly not now.

  “The human understanding is like a false mirror, which, receiving rays irregularly, distorts and discolors the nature of things by mingling its own nature with it.”

  —FRANCIS BACON

  It’s important to realize that because we filter reality through individual values and perceptions, misunderstandings are inevitable; at times it is impossible to comprehend another person’s thoughts or emotions. However, it is possible to feel what someone else is feeling.

  Deep down, each of us has the same fundamental need for love, affection, esteem, security, self-expression and other basics. When those needs are thwarted we feel anger, fear, sadness, pain, and other universal emotions. By focusing on such commonly experienced feelings, you can achieve something deeper and more meaningful than understanding: empathy. Empathy is a priceless commodity because it invariably defuses hostility. It is psychologically impossible to be angry at someone if, at the same time, you feel what he or she is feeling.

  One effective way to stimulate empathy is to use analogies to translate one person’s feelings into the language of the other. To begin the process with the Lakes, I presented Robert with a hypothetical situation related to his position as the head of a design group in an engineering firm: “How would you feel if you were involved in a major project and someone on your team was sullen and flippant around your clients?”

  Robert admitted that he would feel resentful and perhaps humiliated because his colleague’s behavior might tarnish his own reputation. With some prodding, he was able to see the parallels to his wife’s experience. Janet took pride in her reputation for bringing people together and stimulating conversation. In her eyes, Robert’s curt behavior reflected badly on her and threatened a valued aspect of her life. Because friendships were as important to her as business relationships were to Robert, his antisocial behavior made her feel exactly the way he said he would feel in the imagined scenario. When Robert got the point, his posture visibly softened. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  The Lakes were halfway to mutual empathy; now Janet had to feel what her husband was feeling.

  It had become clear to me that Robert resisted socializing because he was more comfortable with objects and numbers than with people, especially strangers. By trivializing social events and acting as if Janet had no right to expect him to participate, he was able to conceal his sense of inadequacy and justify not making an effort.

  To help Janet empathize, I evoked a subject about which she was equally sensitive—her skills as a parent: “Suppose every time you took your kids to day care, they behaved obnoxiously in front of others. Suppose no matter what you did, they would still misbehave.” Janet said she would be mortified. She would feel so inadequate that she might avoid being seen with her children to spare herself the embarrassment—just as Robert needed to avoid company because he felt inadequate socially. Then, to help her empathize with her husband’s bitterness about being criticized, I asked how she would feel if her own mother were to scrutinize her parenting and comment on her shortcomings. “I’d get nervous and flustered, and I
’d resent it like hell,” she admitted. Which was exactly what happened to Robert at gatherings.

  It would be an exaggeration to suggest that analogies healed the Lakes’ relationship. It did, however, change the atmosphere from one of antipathy to one of empathy. They now stood on calm, common ground and could discuss their differences like adults.

  “The end of understanding is not to prove and find reasons, but to know and believe.”

  —THOMAS CARLYLE

  While this process can be used whenever misunderstandings arise, it is especially helpful in male–female relationships. In that context, I have found certain types of analogies to be especially fruitful: for men, career situations and the need for autonomy; for women, relationship issues and the need for intimacy. As a general rule, regardless of their professions, status or expressed values, men and women tend to look to those areas for identity and respect. For a man, losing a job might elicit feelings of unworthiness similar to those of a woman whose love affair has ended. The frustration of a man trapped in a dead-end job is comparable to that of a woman hemmed in by children and household duties. A man’s fear of humiliation is similar to a woman’s fear of abandonment.

  Feeling is more powerful than meaning. If you are willing to make the effort to feel what others are feeling—and to help them feel what you feel—you can use analogies to create empathy.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  When they just don’t understand, get them to feel what you’re feeling.

  TAKING ACTION

  If not being understood has made you frustrated, instead of becoming hostile, pause and try to express yourself in a different way.

  Instead of lecturing, criticizing or intellectualizing, try using analogies that will help the other person feel what you feel.

  First, identify your emotions. Figure out exactly what you are feeling and why.