Get Out of Your Own Way

by Mark Goulston

  An obsession is an unconscious attempt to turn an overwhelming feeling into a thought. You replay the thought pattern over and over to divert your mind until the discomfort passes. But the effect is much like treading water: you waste a lot of energy and end up getting no-where.

  Obsessions invariably grow stronger with time. When they reach a certain magnitude, the mental energy overflows from thought into behavior. The result is what we call a compulsion. For example, a child gets lost in a department store. The terror of being suddenly alone and unprotected is so unbearable that he fixates on his scuffed shoes in an attempt to hold off the fear until Mommy returns. If the obsession builds to where the child has to act on it, he begins compulsively wiping his shoes.

  Most of us are familiar with the many adult versions of this pattern: someone who feels like a failure obsesses about getting rich quick, and that leads to compulsive gambling; someone who feels ugly obsesses about the appearance of her home and then compulsively decorates; someone who feels empty inside obsesses about how to fill herself up and becomes a compulsive eater.

  The key to breaking the obsession or compulsion is to confront head-on the pain or fear that gave rise to it. As a rule, the longer you avoid the root issues, the more powerless you feel and the more consuming the obsession and compulsion become. The best approach is to retrace the process in reverse. First, stop the compulsive behavior, whether it is washing your hands, cleaning your house, having sex with dangerous partners or whatever. This might not be easy; it can create anxiety similar to that of an addict going through withdrawal, since a compulsion is, in a sense, an addiction to a dysfunctional way of coping.

  When you cease the compulsive behavior, your system will back up to what preceded it: obsessive thinking. Since it no longer has an outlet in behavior, the obsession will escalate. Eventually it will build to a point where you are forced to pay attention to the core feelings that set the pattern in motion in the first place. If you have the courage to let the process run its course, you might come to see clearly the pain or fear you have been avoiding.

  Let’s look at two examples from my practice. Joe, an engineer in the aerospace industry, became obsessed with his computer files. He thought they were in danger of being destroyed by a virus. He compulsively applied antivirus programs and created elaborate systems to protect his files. It reached the point where he was spending more time safeguarding his computer than doing his job. At my urging, he promised to stop his campaign the next morning. He did, but he could not stop thinking about the threat of a virus, and left work to see me. I helped him discover his real fear. His industry had been beset by layoffs, and he was afraid of losing his job. Beneath that, he was terrified of repeating the fate of his father, who had to be committed to a state mental hospital after getting fired from a long-held job. Now able to see his real fears and anxieties, he was able to take proactive steps to increase his worth to his company rather than continuing his useless obsessions and compulsions.

  Irene was a single mother who worked long hours to support her children. On weekends she would compensate by compulsively organizing family activities. Now the kids were rebelling against the pressure she put on them to enjoy themselves all the time. I convinced Irene to plan nothing for the following weekend. As Friday approached, she became more and more anxious, until she finally came face to face with her core issue: she feared that she was, like her own mother, incapable of genuine emotional involvement with those she loved. Admitting and facing her fears of not being emotionally caring enabled her to take steps to indulge her children less and involve herself with them more.

  Breaking free of an obsession and its accompanying compulsion is not easy, particularly if the pattern has become entrenched. But you can and must do it if you are going to run your life rather than run from it.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  Obsessions and compulsions can help you get past pain and fear, but they won’t help you get over them.

  TAKING ACTION

  Identify your obsessions by listing all the thoughts you dwell on continuously that don’t lead to constructive action.

  Identify your compulsions by listing repetitive behaviors that give you relief at the moment but make you feel guilty afterward or create additional problems.

  Promise yourself that next time you are about to launch into these thoughts or behaviors, you will stop yourself.

  If terminating the compulsive behavior is too difficult to handle alone, enlist the support of a therapist, pastor or friend. A trusted person who will stand by you can be indispensable in this phase.

  If you find yourself slipping into an unwanted action, say to yourself, “Oh, I forgot. I don’t do this anymore.” It’s a simple reminder that you have made a commitment to no longer engage in that self-destructive behavior.

  When you stop the compulsive behavior, tension will increase. Become aware of the physical and emotional sensations. Ask, “What do I feel and where do I feel it?”

  After you identify the sensations, complete the following sentences: “When I feel this way, it makes me want to_____.” “If I do that, the consequences will be _____.” “A better thing to do now would be _____.”

  Reward yourself each time you don’t give in to an obsession or compulsion. Eventually, feeling that you’re no longer in the grip of obsessions and compulsions will be reward enough.

  Note: The obsessive and compulsive behavior discussed here should not be confused with obsessive-compulsive disorder, a serious psychiatric condition that often requires medication.

  Taking Things Too Personally

  “It’s not a slam at you when people are rude—it’s a slam at the people they’ve met before.”

  —F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

  “At ev’ry trifle scorn to take offense.”

  —ALEXANDER POPE

  “There are offences given and offences not given but taken.”

  —IZAAK WALTON

  “I told you kids to shut up!” With that, Maureen, a 43-year-old labor relations attorney, jerked her arm toward the backseat to grab the nearest wrist. The car swerved into the adjacent lane of the freeway, coming within inches of smashing into an oncoming truck. The close call got the kids to stop screaming all right, but it also nearly killed them.

  Maureen was so upset by the incident that she unleashed a torrent of self-hatred in my office. “Look at me,” she cried. “Ms. Super Lawyer who stands up to labor unions but can’t control her own kids without murdering them.” I asked what she does when opposing lawyers attack her. “I try not to take it personally,” she said. “If I let it get to me, I couldn’t think clearly.”

  It was a perfect response. Maureen realized that she had reacted in the car as if the children were misbehaving just to aggravate her. She had taken it as a personal affront, whereas they were merely releasing pent-up energy after sitting in a classroom all day. I suggested that if it were to happen again she should take it seriously, but not personally.

  Taking something personally means assuming that a particular remark or action was intended to hurt you. You might, for example, take a well-meant correction as a criticism, or a disagreement as a put-down, or an innocent comment about a third party as an insult aimed at you. For example, when the wife of a struggling author mentioned a first-time novelist who had signed a huge contract, her husband was outraged. He felt that his wife was really saying, “You’re a failure.” In reality, she felt that someone with her husband’s talent deserved the same kind of break.

  Failing to consider the other person’s true intention is a good way to ruin a relationship. Instead of reflecting and responding appropriately, you merely react, either retaliating or becoming defensive, sullen or petulant. Such responses not only obscure the legitimate reasons for your concern but poison the other person’s response to your legitimate grievances. And, when you realize what you’ve done, you end up feeling ashamed in the bargain.

  Taking things personally can also be bad for business. Take the cas
e of Joanna, the founder and owner of a medical supply company. At an important meeting, while she prepped her sales force on a new line of products, a salesman named Tim yawned conspicuously. To Joanna, who had hired Tim and considered him a protégé, the yawn felt like a slap in the face, a public display of disrespect. She fired him on the spot. Tim hit back with a wrongful termination suit. It was not until the damage was done that Joanna realized that Tim had been one of the company’s hardest-working salesmen. He’d been working long hours, and his yawn had more to do with exhaustion than disrespect. To her credit, Joanna apologized for her error and rehired Tim.

  Taking things personally can make you hot under the collar, or it can turn you cold. A surprising number of men have told me that they separated from their wives because they were so angry over repeated affronts that they were afraid they might become violent. Others are so horrified by their anger that they simply turn off, withdrawing affection and attention from the very person they want most to give it to. Tragically, in many of those cases, the pain is caused by actions that should never have been taken personally. When you learn to take things seriously instead, you not only cool off, you can once again warm up to those you had been angry at.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  Don’t take it personally, take it seriously.

  TAKING ACTION

  When someone does something to upset you, ask yourself if you did anything to justify his or her action.

  If you did, it is better to own up to it early. Offer an apology and promise to try to do better next time.

  If you didn’t do anything to justify the behavior, ask yourself if the other person is this way with others too. If so, don’t take it personally.

  You have three choices: find a way to be more accepting; cut your losses and end the relationship; make your feelings known and hope the offensive behavior stops.

  Remember, not taking things personally does not mean turning the other cheek. It means shooting from the head rather than the hip.

  Acting Too Needy

  “All men have need of the gods.”

  —HOMER

  Everyone needs other people. But need becomes self-defeating when it is relentless, insatiable and presented in such a way as to make others feel put upon.

  If you come across as needy, others see you as grabbing. They feel either that you are trying to get more than you are entitled to or more than you can give in return. The problem isn’t asking for too much by way of tangible favors or material assistance, although that may be part of it. What upsets people is emotional neediness.

  “Who depends on another man’s table often dines late.”

  —JOHN RAY

  If neediness is your basic modus operandi, you look to others to validate you, reassure you and reinforce your worth. This is more than most people are capable of giving. Unless they are saints for whom virtue is its own reward, they will sooner or later turn away, when something they once gave freely comes to feel like an obligation. Feelings of resentment arise, and they start to dread being in contact with you.

  Some of the neediest people act precisely the opposite way. They try to keep their neediness under control and out of awareness by coming across as unneedy. The prideful ones act as if they need nothing. We tend to see them as arrogant or condescending. We also find them exasperating because they make us feel unnecessary and perhaps ashamed for needing anything ourselves. It is difficult to have a relationship with such unneedy people because they deny us the opportunity to give, and most of us measure our worth at least in part by our ability to give something of value to others.

  Another way to come across as unneedy is to act like a martyr. False martyrs are infuriating, because if you give to them they make you feel wrong for doing so. Then, just when they’ve convinced you that they don’t need anything, they spring a major demand. If you fail to comply, they act hurt and remind you of all they have done for you. And if you try to make up for it, they say, “Don’t do me any favors.” People eventually get tired of the mixed messages and stop trying to figure out what the martyr actually needs.

  Neediness usually results when childhood insecurity turns into the adult fear of not being able to stand on one’s own two feet. Other people come to be seen as rescuers. The challenge is to accept insecurities and fears as something everyone has to deal with and move on.

  In many cases, though, the problem isn’t being needy but acting needy. Some of us come across as a lot more dependent than we actually are. If you find yourself doing that, try instead to present yourself as what I call needful. Needful people demonstrate an acceptable level of need. Others help them willingly because they ask for what is reasonable, and when they get it they show appreciation and a willingness to reciprocate. If they can’t get what they need, they manage to make do and not hold it against you.

  The needful make requests; the needy make demands. The needful depend on others; the needy are dependent. The needful are genuinely grateful; the needy use gratitude as a way to hook others into the next round of giving. If you act needy, people will see you as a taker—and it is very hard to give to a taker. But if you act needful, people will see you as reaching out for what you deserve rather than grabbing. In all likelihood, they will give you what you need.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  Being needy begets resentment. Being unneedy begets frustration. Being needful begets help.

  TAKING ACTION

  Realize that if you’re too demanding, people may initially give you what you want, but they’ll soon start to resent you.

  Realize that if you act unneedy, you make it impossible for people to give to you, and they will feel frustrated.

  Learn to express clearly what you need from others, and don’t make it sound like a demand.

  Make sure others know you are willing to reciprocate and that it’s okay for them to need you.

  When you get what you need, show genuine appreciation.

  Be prepared to take no for an answer without getting upset or holding a grudge.

  Having Unrealistic Expectations

  “Oft expectation fails, and most oft there Where most it promises.”

  —SHAKESPEARE

  Maxine came to me for help with what seemed to be a reasonable goal: to get back together with her ex-husband. She mentioned several perfectly good reasons why the marriage would work like a dream this time around, even though the first attempt had been a nightmare. She knew what had gone wrong and exactly what she and her ex-husband had to do to fix the relationship. Having personally helped many ex-spouses to recouple, I thought she was approaching the reconciliation sensibly. It was only when I asked about her ex-husband’s attitude that I realized how deluded she was. Her former spouse had already remarried and fathered two children.

  Maxine had turned something she wanted into something she absolutely had to have, and then held onto that attitude even after her goal had turned into a pipe dream. She not only set herself up to be devastated, she allowed her fantasy to consume time and energy that might have been used to improve her life or develop a real relationship.

  In my experience, most of our expectations are fair and reasonable. However, they are not always realistic. It is reasonable to start a new career at midlife, but it is not realistic to expect it to be easy or result in immediate success. It is reasonable to expect a friend to understand your feelings, but it might not be realistic if he or she is a very analytic, solution-oriented person.

  People who habitually choose unrealistic goals allow wishful thinking to override their grip on common sense. In their minds, if they want something, it must be feasible to attain it. They like to gamble on big payoffs, but they need a Las Vegas bookmaker to help them calculate the odds. They don’t assess realistically whether they have the talent, resources and savvy to realize their dreams, and whether conditions are favorable. To make matters worse, they are usually so sure of their prospects that they fail to set up contingency plans or prepare themselves emotionally for defeat. As
a result, they don’t merely have setbacks, they fall back all the way to square one, and sometimes even further. And each loss increases the need for quick vindication, which makes longshots even more attractive.

  “Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached.”

  —SIMONE WEIL

  Of course, it’s fine to be a big thinker if you’re also a big doer. Real doers and visionaries are different from unrealistic dreamers in these respects: they take pleasure in the sheer pursuit of their goals, not just the outcome; they know that if they fall on their faces they can pick themselves up and be okay; they know the odds and are prepared for possible defeat. One hugely successful entrepreneur I know has turned many a long shot into a victory. He takes on risky projects all the time, but he has no illusions about their potential and prepares himself financially and emotionally to not be devastated if he should fail.

  If you are going to take on long shots, it is not only vital to have the wherewithal to achieve them but to make sure you can handle failure. If you want to have something and you don’t get it, you’ll be disappointed. If you need to have it and you don’t get it, you’ll be depressed. If you just gotta have it and you don’t get it, you’ll be devastated.

  I encourage my patients to appraise how realistic their goals are and to set their expectations appropriately. If your goal is unrealistic, don’t go after it with a “gotta have it” attitude. It’s far safer to lean toward needing it or wanting it. This is especially true in relationships. As a rule, since other people are so unpredictable, it is best to treat your expectations as wants.