Get Out of Your Own Way

by Mark Goulston

  Fortunately, envy is not a terminal disease. In my experience, one of the most effective ways to overcome it is to spend time with people who have the very things you crave. On the surface, this might seem odd. Isn’t it easier to stave off envy by spending time with those who make you feel superior or fortunate by comparison? Yes, but it is only a temporary balm, whereas the other approach has curative power on two levels.

  First, by associating with those you envy, you come to see the whole of their lives, not just the parts you covet. You might discover that they have flaws and weaknesses you never imagined, or an illness, a miserable marriage, an alienated child, a host of enemies. You might find that, along with the favors fate has handed them, they have had to endure challenges and hardships beyond anything you have experienced. You might even find that they envy you.

  I witnessed a compelling example of this in a therapy group consisting of five women. One, Linda, was rich and beautiful. Although they tried to conceal it, the others envied her immensely, and it made her uncomfortable. One day, one of the women gushed over Linda’s hairdo. “Here, it’s yours,” said Linda, and she whipped off her wig and tossed it to her shocked admirer. She had lost all her hair as a side effect of chemotherapy. In an instant, the women who wished they had what Linda had realized that Linda wished she did not have it.

  “Who is rich? He who rejoices in his portion.”

  —THE TALMUD

  The second reason to associate with those you envy is to learn from them. Like a uranium atom, envy contains energy that can be converted into either destructive or constructive forces. It can desolate or motivate. It can turn you into a complainer or a competitor. Envy creates a gap within you. If you wallow in that gap, you will fall further back. But if you fill the gap with constructive action, envy can drive you forward.

  You can begin by identifying the qualities you need to have, and the actions you need to take, to obtain what you envy. Naturally, if what you envy is inherited wealth or natural good looks, or a stroke of luck such as winning a lottery, there is not much you can do about it. I suggest you accept the fact that biology and fate can be unfair. But if what you envy is, for example, success in a particular field, study those who have it. Find out how they attained it. Do they have skills, training or personal attributes you can acquire? Do they have a philosophy or a set of values you can adopt? Did they have a plan you can imitate? In my experience, people who are envied are not much different from the rest of us. Learning about them can help you feel “I can do that too” instead of “I wish I had that.”

  Before you can turn envy to action, you have to convert it to a more acceptable emotion. The first step is to get rid of any animosity you might feel. Stop wishing the other person did not have what you want—or hoping he or she will lose it. Then you can move to the next level: admiration. Learn to admire the person’s achievement or good fortune without associating it with yourself at all. If you admire someone, you can let him or her have more without feeling you have less. Finally, move from admiration to emulation. By developing the qualities that made the person enviable, you’ll become proud of yourself, and you can’t feel pride and envy at the same time.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  If you use it to fuel you, envy won’t rule you.

  TAKING ACTION

  As soon as you become aware of your envy, pause. Don’t impulsively take an action or adopt an attitude that works against you.

  If you find yourself rooting against another person, remind yourself that you’re not evil, you’re just feeling deprived and are trying to lessen the pain in any way you can.

  Get to know the person you envy. Find out the truth of his or her life. You might find there is less to envy than you imagine.

  Try to appreciate and admire the person rather than wish you had what he or she has.

  Find out what qualities or skills enabled the person to attain what you envy.

  Figure out how you can emulate those qualities and skills and take constructive action toward making them your own.

  Feeling Sorry for Yourself

  “Sometimes I go about

  In pity for myself

  And all the while

  A great wind is bearing me across the sky.”

  —OJIBWA POEM

  “You can’t wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time.”

  —PAT SCHROEDER

  Melinda had spent seven years trying to make a difficult marriage succeed, only to see it shatter when her husband left her for another woman. Five years later she remained embittered. Despite my efforts to help her move in a positive direction, she spent most of her therapy sessions bemoaning her fate. She whined about how she had wasted the best years of her life, how she was forced to work at a dead-end job, how she was doomed to spend the rest of her life alone because no one wants a 40-year-old mother and all the good men were either gay or married anyway, and on and on.

  “The excursion is the same when you go looking for your sorrow as when you go looking for your joy.”

  —EUDORA WELTY

  Because she insisted on seeing it as half empty, Melinda’s glass was getting drier and drier. She had convinced herself that it was impossible to be happy in her circumstances, and so, of course, she was miserable. It was only when she followed up on two suggestions that she was able to start turning things around. First, doing volunteer work at a battered women’s shelter exposed her to troubles that made her own seem trivial by comparison. Second, at Divorce Anonymous she met women who had bounced back from situations just like hers. They understood what she was going through, but would not put up with self-pity. She could not dismiss their advice with “Easy for you to say,” as she had with me and her married friends.

  Feeling sorry for oneself has become a common affliction. If it’s not an abandoned woman like Melinda, it’s a couple who can’t have children, a man who “coulda been a contender” if only he’d have gotten a break, or a worker who was laid off. It’s grown children of alcoholics and victims of child abuse, or people whose parents neglected them, or overindulged them, or failed at being role models, or up and died on them. If it’s not a childhood wound that brings on self-pity, it’s a recent tragedy such as an illness, the death of a loved one or a financial setback. In some cases, it’s an unchangeable personal characteristic, such as being fat or ugly or physically handicapped. Some people are chronic self-pitiers; they find new reasons to feel sorry for themselves whenever their circumstances change. You can recognize them because they start a lot of sentences with “If only …”

  As a temporary device, self-sorrow can be comforting. As with an animal licking its wounds, it gives us a way to soothe our pain. It can also distract us from more wrenching emotions, such as grief or fear. And if we express it to others, self-pity can be a cry for help, a way to enlist sympathy or a means of getting ourselves off the hook—people don’t expect much from those they feel sorry for.

  But the benefits pale in comparison to the costs. For one thing, “Woe is me” is not compatible with hope. Feeling sorry for yourself consumes energy that could be used to turn your life around. As long as you’re stuck in the past, you can’t figure out how to create a better future. And while it might be comforting to gain the sympathy of others, they will eventually grow weary and lose respect for you. Then they will either avoid you or become cold, perhaps even hostile, when they’re with you.

  Self-pity feeds on itself. When you project a sorrowful image and a lack of faith, things tend to go wrong, which only gives you more reason to feel sorry for yourself. If the cycle continues long enough, you run the risk of appearing pathetic.

  “Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

  —LAO TZU

  If you fall into this self-defeating trap, the best hope is to seek out situations that will give you a new perspective. For example: spend time with people who are truly deserving of com
passion; ask a friend to tell you honestly whether it bothers him to hear you complain about your situation; join a support group.

  You need to make a 180-degree shift, from aggravation to appreciation, from grumbling to gratitude. Otherwise, your half-empty glass will empty completely.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  If you keep feeling sorry for yourself, you’ll really have a reason to be sorry.

  TAKING ACTION

  Learn to recognize when you’re feeling sorry for yourself.

  Realize that it’s an enormous waste of time and energy, and a drain on other people.

  Do something for someone less fortunate than you. It not only makes you more aware of your own blessings, it makes you proud—and you can’t feel pride and self-pity at the same time.

  List all the things in your life you feel grateful for.

  List everything that turned out better than you’d hoped.

  Identify someone who helped you in your life, and find a way to thank that person.

  If the reason you feel sorry for yourself is something shared by others, join a support group. Look for one that supports efforts to get past the problem and move on, not one that reinforces feelings of helplessness. In solution-oriented groups you will hear members not only sharing their pain but discussing hopes and plans for the future. If you have trouble finding the right group, express your desire to others; you might attract people who share your wish to get beyond the problem.

  Assuming the Hard Way Is the Right Way

  “Seek not out the things that are too hard for thee, neither search the things that are above thy strength.”

  —THE APOCRYPHA

  When Paul first came to see me, I assumed he was just another graduate student grappling with the excessive demands of his training. He was depressed and suffering from constant headaches and insomnia. He bristled at my suggestion that he take a sabbatical. “I’m not a quitter,” he said. “I can take it, I just need some medication.” In fact, he needed a total overhaul of his perspective.

  As I got to know him, I realized Paul was different from other stressed-out students. For one thing, the goal of actually practicing architecture one day did not burn in his breast. Moreover, he had struggled throughout his undergraduate years with science and math—key disciplines for architects—and continued to work twice as hard as his classmates to grasp basic material. Why was he doing all this? Because he was raised to believe that nothing worthwhile came easily, that the only work deserving of the name was hard work. His father and mother had worked like dogs at their business, and his brother had worked equally hard to become a lawyer. Each time Paul thought of dropping out, he was gripped by shame and pushed himself even harder.

  In discussing what Paul might do to relax a bit, I learned that he spent whatever spare time he had helping his former high-school basketball coach. He loved this and wished he had more time for it. It turned out that he had been merely proficient as a player, but his passion for the game, his grasp of its intricacies and his talent for motivating and teaching had marked him as an excellent coaching prospect. He had, in fact, been offered jobs. When I asked why he’d turned them down in favor of graduate school, his answer surprised me; it had nothing to do with status or money. It was because coaching young players was the most natural thing in the world to him. In his mind, that made it a hobby, not a vocation. Work was not something you were supposed to enjoy or find easy to do. It was supposed to be grueling. Otherwise, it would feel like cheating.

  I told him that if he did not do something he loved, he would end up chronically depressed or burned out at an early age. I suggested he give serious thought to becoming a coach.

  “But that would be the easy way out,” he protested.

  I countered with words that had once changed the course of my own life: “Sometimes the easy way out is the right way in.”

  Our society reveres hard work so much that we often consider ourselves lazy or escapist when we choose what is pleasurable or comfortable. When something comes too easily, we get suspicious; we feel there might be some hidden trap, as when we’re asked a question whose answer seems obvious. “Is this a trick?” we wonder.

  “There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.”

  —PUBLIUS TERENTIUS AFER

  Such thinking can cause you to turn away from precisely those activities that would bring you the most fulfillment. Instead, you might take on something that feels like “real work,” something tedious and difficult. Then, when you fail at that task, you berate yourself, thinking you’re inadequate or that you don’t know what you’re doing. The real problem is that you don’t love, or even like, what you’re doing. The missing ingredient isn’t skill or knowledge but enthusiasm. Sure, you can do things well even if you don’t like doing them, but only for a short time. If you lack passion, even a minor obstacle or setback is enough to make you give up. But if you love what you’re doing, you’re likely to persist.

  “Follow your bliss.”

  —JOSEPH CAMPBELL

  I often see this with people who have difficulty delegating responsibility. Elaine was a successful entrepreneur who worked herself ragged because she insisted on dealing with administrative details she not only hated but found hard to do. She had a gift for people skills. Talking with clients and suppliers, charming and persuading them, came as naturally to her as walking. It was so easy, in fact, that she downplayed its importance. She felt she was not a legitimate businesswoman if she did not dive into the minutiae of management and finance. So, instead of delegating those responsibilities, she spent hours every day slogging through tasks she found laborious. This not only detracted from her real skills, it made her feel inadequate—since she did the job poorly—and guilty because she hated it so much she started cutting corners.

  Next time you plunge into something that comes easily, remember that just because you’re enjoying yourself does not mean you’re not working hard—it only feels as though you’re not. And don’t let people convince you that you’re foolish or lazy. They’re probably jealous because they don’t love what they’re doing.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  Sometimes the easy way out is the right way in.

  TAKING ACTION

  If you are having fun and things are coming easily to you, don’t feel guilty. It doesn’t mean you’re being irresponsible or lazy.

  Look for a way to turn what you enjoy into a meaningful pursuit or career.

  If you are plagued by frustration and doubt, consider the possibility that you are not doing something that comes easily and naturally to you.

  Thinking “I’m Sorry” Is Enough

  “Repent what’s past; avoid what is to come.”

  —SHAKESPEARE

  Some of the most touching moments in therapy occur when decent people confess to having betrayed, offended, or taken advantage of someone they care about. I recall, for example, a thick-skinned Hollywood agent who wept in my presence for the first and only time because she had gotten drunk and yelled at her ailing mother-in-law in a nursing home. Then there was the real estate developer who blubbered uncontrollably with remorse over a midlife fling that had left his wife devastated. In both instances it wasn’t just the guilt and shame that was so upsetting, it was the agony of not knowing how to make things right.

  “Apologizing—a very desperate habit—one that is rarely cured. Apology is only egotism wrong side out.”

  —OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES

  Making amends is crucial in healing a wounded relationship; it is the only way we can demonstrate to others that the hurt we caused them matters to us. The problem is, we often don’t know how to make amends, so we convince ourselves that time alone will heal the wound, or we mumble a quick apology that falls short of the mark. “I’m sorry” might suffice for minor injuries, but serious damage requires stronger medicine, and usually more than words. Otherwise, the people we hurt will continue to withhold their trust. This only frustrates us furth
er. Then we’ll get mad at them for not accepting our apology. “They won’t let go of it,” we’ll complain, when in truth we haven’t finished making amends.

  “Don’t make excuses—make good.”

  —ELBERT HUBBARD

  The first step in correcting the situation is to understand that an injured party typically goes through three emotional stages, which I call the Three H’s:

  Stage 1: Hurt. The bubble of invulnerability has been burst; they now realize how badly they can be harmed.

  Stage 2: Hate. They’re enraged at the person who violated their trust and stole their feeling of safety.

  Stage 3: Hesitation. They won’t allow themselves to get close again until they feel safe.

  If the hurt is severe, the most heartfelt words will fall on deaf ears; only a compensating action can replace the painful memory and enable the offended party to relax his or her guard. This can be accomplished by balancing the Three H’s with the Three R’s:

  1. Remorse. You have to show that it hurts you to have hurt them. The best way is to state emphatically, “I hurt you, didn’t I?” Follow this with a simple, sincere statement that says: I know I was wrong, and I care about the pain I caused you. When someone is in pain, explanations are extraneous.

  2. Restitution. For minor injuries, a simple gesture like sending flowers might suffice. But serious offenses might call for a public act of contrition. The agent who lost her temper in the nursing home apologized not only to her mother-in-law and her husband but to everyone who witnessed the scene. The adulterous developer used a simple but effective form of restitution: at my suggestion, he allowed his wife to let loose and vent her rage while he listened without answering back or defending himself.