A Hero For Holly

by Kristy K. James

  “What?”

  “Thank you for calling- You know.”

  “You’re welcome, sweetie.”

  She was a horrible mother, she decided, pacing back and forth, waiting for Sam. First, she walked into a relationship without knowing all the facts. Then she got engaged, giving the boys a father figure for the first time in their memories, again, without knowing all of the facts. Finally, upon learning those facts, she’d torn them away from him, making their lives sad and miserable.

  But wasn’t it better to lose him now than a couple of years down the road? When Sam would realize what a mistake he’d made? When they would all love him even more than they already did? Wasn’t ending it now the intelligent, more compassionate choice?

  Of course it was. But if it was, why did it have to be so hard?

  “Sam’s here!” Billy shrieked from the other room. Holly stood stock still, unable to force her feet to move in the direction of the front door. All she could do was stare at the doorway, wishing she were anywhere but in her kitchen, yet grateful she wasn’t anywhere else.

  Her heart started pounding when she heard his voice in the other room. For the first time in eighteen days, the man she loved was in her house – and she couldn’t – wouldn’t – have him in her life.

  Holly thought her chin would hit the floor when the three of them walked into the kitchen. Zack held his hand while Billy clung to his leg like a lifeline. But that hadn’t captured her attention as much as how awful Sam looked.

  He’d lost some weight, and he was so pale. It looked like he hadn’t slept in ages. As the old saying went, he looked like death warmed over.

  “Holly,” he whispered, looking at her like he was starved for the sight of her. She hardened her heart against him, forcing herself to look at the door leading to the garage.

  “You’ll have to get the ladder off the wall in order to get up into the rafters,” she told him, hating the tremor in her voice. “If I still have them, they’ll be up there. If they are, and they’re not moth eaten, I’ll take them to the laundromat after work tomorrow.”

  “I can do that,” he said quietly. “I don’t have anything pressing going on.”

  “No. You don’t-”

  “Holly, I want to do it, okay? I don’t have enough things to do to take my mind off…things.”

  “Fine. But it may be a moot point since we don’t even know if they’re here.”

  “I’ll have a look then.”

  The boys practically begged to go with him, and Holly just shrugged her shoulders. She couldn’t make herself say no. Didn’t even want to, in fact. They would only see Sam four or five more times before she took them back to Ohio, after which they would never see him again.

  “And neither will you,” she reminded herself as the door closed behind them.

  Why did that thought bother her so much all of the sudden? Wasn’t that precisely why she was moving so far away? So that she wouldn’t have to risk being hurt every time she happened to run into him? But why was the thought of never seeing him again so excruciatingly painful?

  Feeling tears on her face, Holly turned and ran to the bathroom. She couldn’t let Zack or Billy see her crying. And she absolutely couldn’t let Sam.

  ~~~~~

  As soon as the door closed behind them, Billy started to cry. Sam knelt down to hold him. He drew Zack against his shoulder when he saw tears in his eyes, too, figuring if he didn’t get the situation under control quickly, he’d lose it, too. Then they’d all be in trouble.

  “Hey. Hey, guys, it’s okay.”

  “No it’s not,” Billy sobbed against his neck. “You were gonna be my daddy.”

  “Billy.” Sam’s heart felt like it broke in two in that moment. Again. Billy reacted the same way at each of the scout meetings he’d come to the past three weeks, and each time Sam felt helpless, and angry, and guilt ridden. “Shh. Shh. It‘s okay.”

  “But- But I want you to be my daddy.”

  “I don’t know if that’s going to happen now,” he soothed, gently rubbing the sturdy little back. “But if it doesn’t, I can still be your friend, can’t I?” After a few seconds he felt him nod just a little. “Right, Zack?” He nodded, too.

  “It won’t be the same, though.”

  “No, it won’t. But it will be better than nothing,” Sam said, trying to sound more upbeat than he felt.

  “Even after we move?” Zack wanted to know.

  “You’re moving?” Sam asked, shifting around so he could look at him. “Why would you be moving now?”

  “Mom wants to move by Grandma.”

  “To Ohio?”

  “Uh-huh. Me and Billy don’t want to go, but she says we gotta.”

  Sam felt like someone had slugged him. He was having trouble drawing a breath, and his lungs felt like they might explode. It was a good thing he’d knelt in front of the step down into the garage, because he fell back slightly and wound up sitting on it.

  No. She couldn’t move that far away! What hope did he have of ever winning her back if she was living in Ohio?

  ~~~~~

  By the time they walked back into the kitchen, Holly had made progress in pulling herself together. So what if her eyes were red and Sam felt guilty? He should. If he’d been up front with her from the beginning, all of this could have been avoided. But he seemed to be reeling from something, an air of hopelessness that hadn’t been there minutes before was clearly evident now.

  Obviously the boys had told him about the upcoming move.

  To his credit he didn’t bring it up, only looked at her as though he’d never see her again which, if she had her way about it, he wouldn’t, because it just hurt too much for her to see him.

  “Did- Um- Did you find the sleeping bags?” she asked, finally breaking the silence.

  “No. I guess you threw them away,” he murmured tonelessly. “I’ll see if Dad or Jon has a couple we can borrow.”

  “If they don’t, I’ll pick some up later in the week.”

  “No. I should have some on hand anyway,” Sam told her, not meeting her eyes. “Sometimes the guys and I do things like camping.”

  “Which is why you don’t have a sleeping bag of your own?” she asked sarcastically.

  “Holly, let me do this. Please?”

  “Fine. Thank you.” The words were hard to get out past the lump in her throat. “You’ll pick Zack up by six-thirty on Friday?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be here.”

  “Well thank you.”

  “Holly-” She knew he was going to try and she just couldn’t handle it.

  “Don’t. Please, Sam. Just don’t.” He looked miserable, but nodded his head.

  “All right.” Squatting down he hugged each of the boys, who had started crying and clinging to his neck. Holly felt like the wicked stepmother and had to walk out of the room. But she hadn’t walked so far that she didn’t hear Billy sob,

  “I hate her! I wanna live with you, Daddy.” Her heart ached at the words.

  “Billy, don’t ever hate your mom,” Sam said gently. “You have the greatest mom in the world, and she’s just trying to do what’s best for you.”

  “I want you to be my daddy.”

  “I know. And I wish I could be. But your mom doesn’t think that would be a good thing anymore. Someday-” She heard his voice crack. “Someday she’ll find you the best daddy in the world, and then you’ll be glad you didn’t get stuck with me.”

  “No. I don’t want another daddy. I want you.”

  “Billy.” He was soothing him now, trying to make her son accept what could not be changed. “I’ll always be your friend. I promise. Look, so-sport, I have to go, okay? But I want you to promise me that you won’t hate your mother anymore. If you love me, then you be nice to her. I mean it.”

  “But-”

  “No buts. You be nice and make me proud of you.”

  “Okay,” he wept.

  “Promis
e?”

  “Uh-huh. I promise.”

  “Good boy. And I’ll see you both Thursday night, right?”

  “Yes,” Zack whispered.

  “Okay. Give me another hug and then I really have to go.”

  She couldn’t look at him when he walked by and out the front door to his car. Out of her life again. She sank into her rocker and began to cry. It wasn’t long before she felt two small, chubby arms around her neck, then two longer, thinner ones. She gathered her boys’ close and heard Billy whisper,

  “Don’t cry, Mama. I’m sorry.”

  ~~~~~

  “She’s moving to Ohio,” Dan told Jess, hanging up the phone and re-joining her and Kate at the table. They had just been finishing lunch when Sam called.

  “Is he all right?” she asked, casting him a worried glance as she wiped Kate’s face, then plucked her from the high chair.

  “No.” Dan was worried, too. “He sounds about as low as I’ve ever heard him.”

  “Do you need to go over there?”

  “Probably. He did say he was going to try to get a little sleep. He and Ed were up all night making sure her ex left the state.”

  “So he’s exhausted, too. That can‘t help.”

  “Nope.” He popped the last piece of bacon in his mouth, chewed and swallowed, then snapped, “I can’t believe she’s moving a couple hundred miles away just to get away from him.”

  “Dan-”

  “No. You know what? Maybe Sam should have been up front about his age, but it’s not like he’s twelve years old and she’s fifty. It’s seven stupid years. I’d really like to go over there and beat some sense into her.”

  “Dan!” his wife gasped. “That’s a horrible thing to say.”

  “At least I’m only saying it. It’s not like she doesn’t deserve it. Holly is making all of them miserable. Sam said both the boys were crying when he left.”

  “I’ll bet Holly was crying, too.”

  “Yeah? I hope so. She deserves it.” Jess glared at him.

  “No she doesn’t. She’s had a tough time, Dan. Her parents disowned her for marrying her ex. Then the creep left her when Zack was only four and she was six months pregnant with Billy. For a younger woman. You don’t know what that kind of thing does to someone’s self-esteem. It makes it hard to trust. If her husband, who was close to her own age left her for a younger woman, why wouldn’t Sam do the same thing someday?”

  “Sam wouldn’t do that,” Dan growled. “He loves her.”

  “You know that, and I know that. But look at it from Holly’s perspective. Really look at it, Dan. She’s scared. She loved and trusted her husband, and where did that get her? Now she sees that Sam lied to her, and technically he did. You know it as well as I do. By hiding his age, it was a lie of omission. I don’t blame her for needing time to come to terms with it.”

  “And you think she’ll come to terms with it in Ohio?”

  “No, I don’t. What I do think is that she‘ll regret it for the rest of her life if she goes.”

  ~~~~~

  Sam couldn’t ever remember being so tired. He’d tried to sleep. He honestly had, but by the time Dan had shown up that afternoon, behaving like a worried parent, he had only managed to doze for about five minutes before a nightmare jerked him awake. After that he thought that maybe it would be better to not try to sleep again for a while.

  And now that it was pushing ten o’clock he knew he couldn’t put it off much longer, nightmares or not. It was just not humanly possible for him to stay awake forever. As it was he’d been up close to thirty-six hours with less than an hours sleep.

  Still, he sat on the porch swing staring at the stars and shivering in his coat. The November air was frigid, and he hoped it would help make him so exhausted he’d have a dreamless night. Finally, he got to his feet and walked inside, his steps slow. If he didn’t go now, he’d wind up sleeping outside and probably wind up with pneumonia. That would mean disappointing Zack…and he wouldn’t do that for the world.

  ~~~~~

  Holly couldn’t sleep.

  She’d lain in bed, exhausted, for hours now. A glance at the clock told her it was nearing two a.m. But she kept seeing Sam’s face, and wished with everything in her that she could believe he would still be around in twenty years. When she was fifty-two and he was only forty-five. A man in the prime of his life shackled to a woman who was entering the downhill slide, well on her way to becoming a senior citizen.

  Their separation was wearing on him. She’d seen it in his eyes. He honestly believed he had what it took to be the man of their family. At twenty-five years old, with a step-son only sixteen years his junior.

  But she had to admit that he was good with the boys, patient and loving. In truth, he’d done more father-like things with the both of them than Mike had ever done with Zack alone. If she could find a way to add the time, she would probably find that Sam had spent more time with them in one week than Mike had with Zack in four years.

  “Stop it,” she commanded herself. If she didn’t, she was going to talk herself into taking a chance. Into trusting that he would be there.

  As hard as she tried to stop them, the arguments just kept rolling around her mind.

  He had waited for more than a year for her to notice him, not dating anyone else the entire time, not realizing that she’d noticed him right off.

  And he was a scout leader, for heaven’s sake. What man his age, what single man his age, so patiently devoted his time to kids like Sam, and had been doing it every week for over two years now? A dependable man, that’s who, she acknowledged. A man who cared about the welfare of others above his own.

  Nothing like Mike, who only thought about Mike. Mike couldn’t even give his own son the time of day unless he was showing him off to his peers, yet Sam gave countless hours of his time, usually with underprivileged kids. Kids who had no fathers, or fathers who worked long hours, or were negligent. Like Zack and Billy. Like Zack and Billy, whom he wanted to adopt.

  Sam was nothing at all like Mike, she thought again. Mike, who had had at least one affair and not lost a moment of sleep over it, facing her with an innocent smile every day. Then there was Sam, who had obviously spent many sleepless nights over the last two and a half weeks.

  “What am I doing?” she exclaimed, sitting up and reaching for the bedside phone.

  Not caring about the hour, she dialed Sam’s number with hands that trembled.

  ~~~~~

  He didn’t know how many times the phone had rung before the noise penetrated his sleep clouded brain. But it rang three more times as he fished around the floor trying to find where it had landed when he knocked it off the nightstand.

  “Hello?” he mumbled into the receiver. There was no response. “Hello?” Still none. He pulled it away from his ear and squinted at it. Oh. Upside down. Righting it he said a little more clearly now, “Hello?”

  “Sam?”

  “Holly?” Nothing like her voice to bring him fully awake. Or as awake as he could be after- He glanced at the clock. Maybe three hours sleep this time.

  “Sam, I’m sorry,” he heard her crying softly.

  “Sorry for what?” he asked, clearing his throat.

  “For everything. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I love you and I’m sorry for hurting you.”

  “Holly?” His breath caught in his throat, hope welling up inside of him. “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that if you can forgive me, and still want me, I still want to marry you.”

  “Oh thank God,” he breathed, sagging back on his pillow. “Yes. Yes, I love you, and I’ll always want you, Holly. Always.”

  “I wish you were here.”

  “I can be there in ten minutes. Is that soon enough?”

  “Sam, it’s late-”

  “I don’t care. Do you want me there?”

  “Yes. Please?”

  “All right then. Give me one minute t
o get dressed and then call me back on my cell, okay?”

  “Okay. I love you.”

  “I love you.”

  Reluctantly, he pressed the off button and leapt from his bed, needing to grab hold of the headboard to steady himself. No doubt he would have to drive carefully because tired as he was, he probably shouldn’t be behind the wheel of his car. But Holly loved him, and still wanted to marry him, and he was going to her before she could talk herself out of it again.

  In record time, he stepped into his jeans and sneakers, and then pulled on a sweater and was heading for the front door, not bothering with a coat, when his cell phone rang.

  “Hey, you,” he greeted, shivering as he climbed into his car.

  “Hi.” She sounded shy now and he smiled, throwing the shifter in gear and heading for her house.

  “Can I ask you what changed your mind?” he asked after a couple of moments of silence.

  “I just remembered all the reasons I can trust you.”

  “I’ll never betray that trust,” he promised. He could see the lights from the first intersection in town up ahead, maybe half a mile in the distance. Almost there. The drive had never taken so long.

  “I know. And I think I knew it at the bonfire. It’s just-” She hesitated as he came to a stop at the flashing light then turned right.

  “What?”

  “Are you sure my age won’t bother you when we get older?” Sam laughed softly, hanging a left onto her street. Just six more blocks now.

  “Your age will never bother me. Even when we celebrate our fiftieth ann-” He heard her inhale sharply. “What? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

  “Sam!” she was whispering frantically now. “A window broke downstairs.” Another gasp. “Someone is unlocking- They’re opening the door!”

  “Oh, God-” Sam floored the gas pedal. “Holly. Get to the boys room and lock the door. Take the phone with you and call 911. Now! I’m just a couple of blocks away. Call the police!”

  It seemed like forever, but it could only have been seconds before he was careening over the curb, coming to an abrupt stop at her porch. He left the car at a run, bursting in the front door as a shadowed form, heading up the first couple of stairs, turned and lunged for him. The impact sent them both crashing into a table.