A Maiden's Voyage

by Rosie Goodwin

  ‘What the ’ell do yer think you’re doin’?’ she cried furiously as she caught Connie roughly by the arm and swung her about. ‘If you go back in there an’ the ship goes down you’ll bloody well go down wi’ it, you fool!’ Suddenly all the elocution lessons she had had from Connie were forgotten and she was just a young, frightened girl from the docks in Whitechapel.

  Connie was fighting her and moaning deep in her throat so Flora brought her hand back and landed a glancing blow on her young mistress’s cheek.

  Connie was so shocked that she stopped whimpering immediately and now that Flora had her attention she barked, ‘We have to get off the ship – do you understand? If we don’t you may well die! Now what are you going to do? Because I’ll tell you now I’m going to get into one of those boats while I still can!’

  Connie gulped, her terrified eyes huge in her pale face but at least she was calmer now.

  ‘I-I’ll come.’

  ‘Good!’ Flora grabbed her arm again and dragged her back to the deck but it was clear they had lost their chance. The crowd trying to escape was twice as big as it had been and people were elbowing each other out of the way as they tried to secure places in the lifeboats.

  ‘Stand back now … women and children only. D’you hear me!’ A seaman’s voice yelled.

  Once full the other lifeboats were being swung out prior to being lowered but because it was dark it was impossible to see how many people were in them.

  ‘Come on, let’s try the deck below,’ Flora yelled to make herself heard above the noise of the crowd and grabbing Connie’s hand she hauled her along until they came to the steps leading down to B deck below. The same mayhem was happening there as sailors held off the men and pushed and shoved the nearest women and children into the boats. Somehow Connie and Flora found themselves right next to a boat and a sailor quickly grabbed Flora round the waist and unceremoniously threw her inside it. She landed in an undignified heap in the bottom of it and after struggling to her knees she looked round desperately for a sight of Connie. On one of the decks the band had started to play to try to allay the people’s panic and Flora thought how brave they were as hands reached out to help her onto the cold plank seat. Then suddenly a young, poorly dressed woman clad only in a thin shawl despite the bitterly cold night, who looked as if she might have come from the steerage section of the boat, threw something into Flora’s arms and as Flora glanced down she realised with horror that it was a tiny baby.

  ‘Look out for her for me, miss. God bless you,’ the woman shouted as the sailor pushed her back to make way for Connie. Connie also landed awkwardly in the boat but as she stood up another woman was lowered in and, somehow, she lost her balance. The next few seconds would remain engraved in Flora’s mind forever, for as she stretched out a hand to help Connie the back of the girl’s legs struck the side of the boat and she teetered as she tried desperately to right herself before plunging backwards over the side down into the deep dark sea below.

  ‘Nooo …!’ Flora’s scream echoed across the waves but as she made to stand many hands pushed her back down onto her seat again.

  ‘Sit still or you’ll have us all capsize,’ someone threatened as tears began to stream down Flora’s cheeks and drip onto the baby in her arms. ‘There’s no help for your friend now, God rest her soul. She stands no chance after a fall like that into the sea!’

  ‘No, let me see. I’ve got to find her! Oh God, I can’t let her go. Take the baby, please, I need to find her!’

  The woman beside her put an arm around her and held her firmly. ‘For God’s sake, don’t be such a fool, girl! Think of that poor baby! You’d give up your child to find your friend? Sit down and be quiet before you kill us all!’

  Sobbing uncontrollably, Flora knew the woman was speaking sense, but how could she sit here and do nothing? After everything Connie had done for her, it would be a betrayal to just leave her to her fate. And how would she ever live with herself if she didn’t try to do something? But what choice did she have? She could hand the baby to someone else, and go after Connie, but she would surely die. She looked down at the baby, then back at the water, hanging over the side of the boat as far as she dared and searching in vain for a sight of Connie in the seething black water below, but there were so may poor souls already thrashing about down there that it was impossible to find her.

  At that moment the baby began to wail too and all Flora could do was rock her helplessly as she tried to take in what had happened. Just seconds before, Connie had been there with her and now she could be gone forever, snuffed out like a candle in the wind. It was just too much to take in.

  Soon after the boat began to rock dangerously as it was lowered into the waves below and Flora clung to the side with one hand while she gripped the baby with her other, still desperately searching the water for a sight of her friend as tears streamed down her cold face. The boat hit the water with a splash and the oarsmen quickly released the lowering ropes and started to row frantically. Thankfully, once they had managed to steer the boat clear of the thrashing waters around the ship the sea was calm, giving no hint of the freezing treachery that lay beneath the surface.

  Above them countless stars shone down onto the icebergs, making them glisten like diamonds to match the ones that the women from the first-class cabins were decked in, and everything began to take on an air of unreality. Flora screamed Connie’s name over and over again, making the child in her arms sob even harder, as she continued to look for any sign of her dear friend. She reasoned that if only she could spot her they could somehow pull her aboard the boat but another little voice in her head said that perhaps she had been sucked beneath the sea.

  Suddenly an SOS flare flamed up into the sky, illuminating the ship for just long enough for the people on the lifeboat to see that the unsinkable Titanic was indeed actually sinking. Vaguely Flora could see other lifeboats around them but it was far too dark to see how many people were aboard them. And still the haunting strains of a waltz floated across the water from the deck making the whole scene seem unreal. This can’t be happening, Flora thought. I’m having a nightmare and when I wake up I shall be back in the state rooms with Connie safe and sound. But she knew all too well that it was real. The baby in her arms was crying harder now but apart from gently rocking her, Flora could do nothing for her. Teeth chattering, she slipped the tiny child inside her coat to try to keep her warm, but she wasn’t sure it would work. She was chilled to the bone, and she could see that everyone else in the boat was also shivering.

  ‘God willing a ship will see the flare and come to our rescue,’ an elderly lady said and a murmur of agreement rippled through the passengers.

  ‘Well, it had better come soon or it will be too late for the poor souls left aboard, look it’s split in two, people are jumping into the water,’ someone said and Flora watched in horror as the great ship slowly began to sink beneath the waves. It was as if some great unseen hand had come and cleaved it neatly in two with a gigantic axe. Then the lights went out and they were plunged into darkness. Even from a distance the sound of terrified people screaming could be heard and now wreckage from the ship was beginning to spread across the surface of the sea. People in the water were trying to cling to it to keep afloat but it was painfully obvious that they couldn’t survive for long in the freezing water.

  ‘Turn back for God’s sake!’ one woman implored the rowers. ‘We could get at least six more people aboard this boat.’

  ‘Yes, and I need to look for my mistress,’ Flora added.

  But the rowers never slackened the oars. ‘If we turn back they’ll all be trying to climb aboard an’ we’ll overturn an’ then we’ll die an’ all,’ the younger of the two said.

  Flora screwed her eyes shut to block out the terrible sight that was being played out before her. People were slipping and jumping into the sea only to be instantly sucked under by the fast-sinking ship and the sounds of their screams echoed hollowly across the water.

  ‘W
e are in God’s hands now, let us pray,’ an elderly lady whispered and mechanically Flora began to recite the Lord’s Prayer,

  Our Father who art in heaven …

  Chapter Ten

  It was some minutes later when a frail old lady who was sitting next to Flora stood up and sobbed, ‘I can’t bear it … I have to go back. My Arthur was on that boat. I must get to him …’

  ‘Sit down, or you’ll have us all overboard!’ the seaman hissed as the boat began to rock precariously but she simply stood there for a moment and gave him the sweetest smile.

  ‘But you don’t understand, young man,’ she said softly. ‘We’ve been married for nearly fifty years. I have to find him, we’re a pair.’ And with that she plunged into the water before anyone could stop her.

  ‘No!’ Flora made a mad grab for the back of the old lady’s coat but already the poor soul was moving away from the boat. She had gone no more than a few yards when the weight of her clothes began to pull her under and within seconds there was nothing to be seen of her as she sank into the depths.

  Flora bowed her head and offered a silent prayer that a boat might come to rescue them soon. Already dead bodies could be seen floating amongst the wreckage and she shut her eyes again so that she wouldn’t have to look anymore and silently willed the distressed baby in her arms to stop crying. Soon after she found that she couldn’t open her eyes again even if she had wanted to. Her tears had turned to ice and her eyelids were frozen shut. Strangely she had gone past feeling cold now. In fact, she felt hot and as she drifted off to sleep she sighed and welcomed the darkness and the eerie silence.

  ‘Wake up … that’s it.’

  From far away Flora heard a voice and as she tried to blink her eyes open she became aware that someone was leaning over her.

  ‘Wh-where am I?’ she asked blearily and struggled to sit up but gentle hands pushed her back against soft pillows.

  ‘It’s all right. You’re aboard the Carpathia. We got a distress call from the Titanic and came as quickly as we could.’

  Flora blinked, confused. But where was Connie? And what did he mean a distress call? And then it all came flooding back to her and she began to cry.

  ‘The … the baby … where’s the baby?’ She was staring up into the face of a kindly white-haired gentleman with little gold spectacles perched on the end of his nose. He was dressed in a white jacket and she guessed that he must the ship’s doctor.

  ‘Ssh … we won’t talk about that for now,’ he soothed but Flora wouldn’t be put off.

  ‘But I … I must know where she is,’ she mumbled as her head thrashed from side to side. ‘Her mother entrusted her to me.’

  ‘Ah, she wasn’t your baby then?’

  ‘Of course not. Now tell me where she is. She was upset, she wouldn’t stop crying and then after a time she went very quiet and she didn’t wake up again.’

  ‘I’m very sorry, my dear. The baby didn’t make it,’ he told her gently. ‘It was the cold, you see? She was already dead when we took her from your arms. Do you know what her name was?’

  ‘N-no.’ Tears spilled out of Flora’s eyes. She hadn’t made a very good job of taking care of the child, had she? And Connie … Poor Connie. She wanted to ask more questions but she was so tired and her chest felt as if it was on fire. She was hot and cold all at the same time and then the darkness was rushing towards her again and she gave herself up to it gladly.

  It was twenty-four hours before Flora next opened her eyes and when she did she found that she was as weak as a kitten. Turning her head, she saw that they were in a large room with row upon row of people lying on mattresses on the floor and huddled into blankets.

  A young nurse hurried up to her. ‘Ah, you’re awake again then.’ She smiled as she took Flora’s pulse. ‘You gave us quite a scare back there, I don’t mind telling you, miss. You’ve had a raging fever but, luckily, it’s broken now so you should start to recover. Come on, have a little drink.’ She gently lifted Flora’s head from the pillow and as she trickled water between her chapped, dry lips, Flora was sure that nothing had ever tasted sweeter. She was aware then that she was dressed in a long, thick nightgown. As if reading her mind, the nurse told her, ‘Don’t worry. Your clothes are safe. And so is the belt you were wearing about your waist. From that we were able to identify you, Miss Ogilvie. There was an address inside the belt, presumably of the people you were going to visit and they’ve been sent word of when we’re likely to dock so that they can come and meet you.’

  ‘But I’m not … no …’ Flora clamped her mouth shut. This young nurse thought that she was Connie but …

  ‘It’s all right, don’t get distressed,’ the nurse said before Flora could go on. ‘You’ve had a terrible shock but things will get easier.’

  Flora lay there for a long time staring at the ceiling as tears coursed down her cheeks. Connie was gone, there was nothing she could have done to save her and she could never come back. But Connie had had someone waiting for her at the end of the journey whereas she had no one. She had merely been Connie’s maid so what was to become of her now? Connie’s aunt would have no allegiance to her, and she would be in a foreign country with no money, no friends and no way of getting home. It was a terrifying thought but then an idea occurred to her. What if she were to become Connie? Her aunt hadn’t seen Connie since she was just a babe in arms, to the best of her knowledge, so how would she know if she were to pose as her niece? She dismissed the ludicrous idea almost immediately. It was ridiculous and deceitful and then her eyes became heavy again and she slept once more.

  When she next awoke it was morning again and she felt a little better although she was still very weak and she had developed a terrible cough.

  ‘Get some of this into you,’ the same young nurse who had tended to her the day before urged as she helped her up onto her pillows and placed a tray with a dish of porridge and a cup of hot, sweet coffee in front of her.

  The porridge was heavily laced with sugar but it tasted like grit and it stuck in her sore throat although she did manage to drink some of the coffee.

  ‘Well, at least you managed a little bit,’ the nurse said approvingly when she came back a few minutes later to remove the tray and take her temperature. ‘And your temperature has gone down slightly as well,’ she told her. ‘Now, do you feel well enough to get up and sit in a chair for a while?’

  ‘I think so,’ Flora croaked. Her chest was still burning and her head and throat ached too. The nurse assisted her to the bathroom first and by the time they got back and Flora had been settled into a chair she was exhausted.

  ‘Feeling better, dear?’

  Flora glanced at the lady next to her. She looked quite frail and her eyes were red-rimmed from crying.

  ‘Yes, thank you,’ Flora answered politely and the woman promptly burst into tears.

  ‘Forgive me,’ she spluttered as she mopped at her streaming eyes with a large white handkerchief. ‘I know I should be grateful that we survived but it was all so … so …’ She shook her head as if that would somehow miraculously wipe out the terrible images behind her eyes. ‘M-my husband and son and his young family were on the boat with me. It was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime but they all went down with the ship.’

  ‘I’m so sorry.’ The words seemed inadequate but Flora could think of nothing else to say.

  ‘And you, dear … did you lose anyone?’

  ‘Yes, my … my maid,’ Flora faltered. The second the lie had left her mouth Flora clamped her lips together. Her heart was beating so loudly that she was sure the lady must be able to hear it. She knew that if she were to embark on this lie there could be no turning back and it terrified her, and yet, she asked herself, wasn’t the thought of being all alone thousands of miles from home even more terrifying?

  ‘I’m Mrs Willis,’ the old lady chattered on. ‘What’s your name, dear?’

  Flora gulped and licked her lips, which had suddenly gone dry. ‘I’m Miss Constance Og
ilvie. I was on the way to stay with my aunt in New York when …’ And so the lie began.

  ‘It’s all right, you don’t have to talk about it if it’s too painful,’ the old lady said sympathetically. ‘You’re still in shock and you’ve been very poorly but things will get easier, you’ll see.’

  Flora nodded numbly and closed her eyes, eager to escape any more talk. She had a lot of thinking to do now.

  Over the course of that day Flora learned from the nurses that there were only 705 survivors from the Titanic aboard the Carpathia, the majority of them women and children. Over fifteen hundred people had perished in the icy seas. She shuddered to think of the poor souls and wept when she thought of the poor little baby who had been entrusted to her care. If only she could have saved her! She was told that the offices of the White Star Line in both New York and Southampton had been deluged with terrified friends and relations all waiting to hear a list of the survivors as they prayed that their loved ones were amongst them. It was only then that she suddenly thought of her family and her heart sank. If she was to take on Connie’s identity, her parents and siblings would believe she was dead and they would be heartbroken. Her mother had never wanted her to go to New York in the first place and knowing her as she did Flora was sure that she would blame herself for not stopping her. But on the other hand, she reasoned that if she did go ahead with her plan she could send them money regularly, which would help their financial position no end.

  Later that evening, as she was still wrestling with her conscience, the patients in the ship’s makeshift hospital were informed that they should be arriving in New York late the following day. Flora was relieved and sure that if she could only get off the Carpathia safely she would never sail again.

  The next day, although still weak, Flora dressed in the clothes that had been returned to her and joined the rest of the survivors from around the ship.