The Love Left Behind

by Daniel De Lorne

  ‘What was India like?’ Rosie asked.

  ‘Hot, smelly and alive,’ he laughed. ‘It’s just so full-on, you know? There’s no half-done there, you have to throw yourself in or you’ll miss out. It’s a lot to take in.’

  ‘Lyall says you’ve been to a lot of places,’ Grace asked.

  Everyone looked at him, their eating slowed, and the ghost of Bryce circled behind them. A shiver raced up his spine despite the chilli in the curry making him sweat.

  ‘Yeah, life of a pilot.’ He grabbed his glass and took a drink.

  ‘That must mean you’re away quite a bit?’

  ‘Well, you’ve seen how difficult it’s been to come and meet you all together.’

  ‘We’re here every Friday, so don’t feel like you need an invitation.’

  That was it? Was he in? They’d barely said anything to him. Was it that easy?

  The heat cooled to warmth. ‘I appreciate that.’

  ‘With you being away so much, it must make it difficult to see your family too.’

  ‘There’s only me and Dad now and we catch up every fortnight.’

  Except tonight. Dimitri was away again. It had been over a month since they’d caught up. Text messages were as far as it went. He was fine with that. Especially if this were the alternative. He took another drink.

  ‘You should invite him along one night. We’d love to meet him.’

  His hands froze above his plate, one holding naan and ready to dip, the other wanting to close into a fist. There was no way he was going to bring Dimitri into this; he’d poison it.

  ‘I’ll keep it in mind. But don’t get your hopes up. He’s away a lot.’

  ‘Well, we got you over here eventually, I’m sure we can get him over too.’

  And it only took Lyall getting electrocuted to make that happen.

  ‘What about your extended family? I don’t want to assume but being Greek …’ Grace asked.

  ‘Oh, there’s a lot of them, aunts and uncles and cousins, but we don’t see each other much. Dad sees his sisters, but Mum was an only child and her parents were on their own when they emigrated to Australia.’

  ‘What happened to your mum?’ Rosie asked.

  He saw Lyall’s stricken face as he swivelled to her. ‘She died of cancer eleven years ago,’ Nick replied.

  ‘What kind?’

  The table went quiet and Nick fidgeted in his seat. ‘Ovarian. But they detected it late and by then there was nothing they could do.’

  Rosie nodded a little and disappeared into her own thoughts. The lies stuck to Nick’s back teeth. They’d found the tumour early, she’d gone through all available treatment, and it hadn’t made a difference.

  ‘I’m sorry about your mum, Nick,’ Grace said.

  ‘Thank you.’ He almost said it was a long time ago but it was pointless considering how they’d lost Bryce. Better to change the subject. ‘What do you do when you’re not busy wrangling the family?’

  At least she laughed. ‘I work part-time as a social worker with the department of child services.’

  ‘That sounds heavy.’ He stuffed in another mouthful of naan and curry.

  ‘It is. There’s not a day goes by I don’t thank the heavens for my family, and there’s not a night that goes by I don’t wonder if the people I’m trying to help will be ok the next morning.’

  ‘I can see why you want to keep the family close.’

  ‘That and other reasons. I’m sure Lyall’s told you about Bryce.’

  His throat slammed shut as he tried to swallow and he choked on his food. Bits of chicken lodged in his windpipe and he hacked up as much as he could, while his neck strained for air.

  ‘Jesus, Mum.’ Lyall jumped up to thump Nick on the back. It helped. He could breathe again. His hand grabbed the glass of water Rosie poured for him and he sipped it, careful to not set off another choking fit.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Grace said. ‘I didn’t mean to shock you, but I thought it would be better if it was out in the open.’

  His lungs expanded painfully against his constricting chest. He kneaded his sternum to loosen it, but it was slow to respond. The danger hadn’t yet passed.

  ‘Lyall did tell me about him and what happened.’ Residual coughs punctuated his words.

  ‘I want you to know I don’t hold some irrational grudge against your profession, in case that’s what was keeping you away. We … I mean … I don’t think I’ll ever fully come to terms with what happened, but … I’m glad you’re here, and I’m glad you’re with my son.’

  The fan on the oven whirred, the fridge creaked, but no one around the table made a sound, and without looking around he couldn’t tell if everyone was looking at him or at Grace. His eyes, however, were squarely focused on Grace.

  ‘And we don’t mind that you got him electrocuted,’ Chris said, and the group’s collectively held breath broke free with sharp laughter from Steve and Rosie and Leo.

  Nick smiled, Lyall ditched a piece of naan across the table at Chris’s chest, and the chatter resumed. Nick wasn’t sure if it would be overly familiar, but he had this urge to touch Grace, to hold her hand, to thank her. She had made him feel more welcome than his own father ever had and under the hardest of situations.

  He put his hand over hers. ‘Thank you, Grace. That means a lot. I love your son and I’m beyond grateful to be welcomed into your home.’

  ‘Of course,’ and here she leaned in closer, ‘but please be gentle with him about the flying. It’s a real thing for him, and I don’t want to see him hurt.’

  ‘Absolutely. But he’s said he wants to work on it. I’d like to—’ He nearly said he wanted to take him away but thought better of it. ‘I’d like him to visit some of these places with me. I think he’d like it too, as long as we can get past the fear.’

  ‘Well, baby steps. In the meantime, we want to see more of you.’ She patted his arm and returned to her food and family. Whatever she said, however, the next three months were going to test his and Lyall’s relationship and there was no doubt which side she’d be on.

  15

  ‘Are you sure you want to go through with this?’

  Lyall had already paid for the flight simulator experience when he booked it. Losing three hundred bucks wouldn’t normally be appealing but standing outside the bland building with its flashy signage, his stomach rattling like a paint mixer, the money seemed like a good sacrifice if it meant he could leave.

  If he were there by himself, he would have.

  But sitting in the car with Nick, his hand on Lyall’s leg like it kept him from running, he had to go through with it. He was already seeing a therapist. She’d warned him that the simulator might be too much so early on but they were treating it as a test case. Unlike being stuck in a real plane, he could walk away.

  ‘I’m sure.’ He kissed Nick and for a second that killed his gut’s gyrations. As much as the mere thought of Nick amped up his phobia, there was a second stronger thought that muscled its way through.

  I’m doing this to be with him.

  He wasn’t ready to face everything that had happened on Bryce’s flight but it gave him the strength he needed now.

  They got out of the car and walked through the glass doors into reception. Lyall held up his phone screen and the order number on the email voucher.

  ‘Hi, I’m … I’m here for a … for a … I have a booking.’

  The receptionist smiled at him and steadied the phone in his shaking hand.

  ‘Here we are. Lyall Turner and guest.’ She nodded at Nick. ‘I take it this is your first time here?’

  ‘Ahhh yes.’

  ‘Well, don’t worry. We get an occasional nervous flyer and we’ve never had any emergency landings yet so you’re in good hands. We’ve got you flying with Rob today.’

  ‘Is that Rob Byford?’ Nick said.

  ‘Yes, do you know him?’

  ‘We used to fly together.’ Nick leaned closer to him. ‘You’ll like Rob, he’s a
good pilot.’

  If he was such a good pilot, why weren’t they letting him fly the real planes?

  He battened down that thought because if he opened his mouth and expressed it, he was likely to dry heave all over the tiled floor. He’d forgone breakfast but he still had some internal organs he could puke up.

  The receptionist went through bits of procedure before showing them into a separate waiting room and wishing them well. The walls were covered in floor-to-ceiling prints of planes and the inside of cockpits. The bright colours and stimulation shrank the room. He crumpled into a chair, leaned forward with his head in his hands, which shielded all views except the one down of two-tone grey carpet. He sought stability in cheap furnishings but his vision went in and out of focus like he was trying to look through the pattern at a 3D image of a plane. How long did she say this was going to take? They weren’t really going to let him fly the plane, were they?

  Not a real plane … Not a real plane …

  ‘Here, drink this.’ Nick held a cup of water out for him, and he downed it. Cold water froze his throat and lungs, making it harder to breathe. ‘And this one.’ Nick gave him the second cup, which he sipped.

  ‘I’m really proud of you for doing this,’ he said.

  The ice thawed, resetting his breathing and he slouched back in the chair. He looked at his watch; they were still five minutes before take-off. What the hell was he doing here?

  ‘Hey, Lyall.’ Nick sat next to him. ‘Look at me.’

  He couldn’t at first, his eyes darting around the room at different bits of plane featured in the images, bits that had broken off, bits that were being examined as part of the investigation. It was too much. Far too much.

  Nick’s hand touched the side of his face and he gently directed him to look his way. His gaze stopped its frenzied search and settled on Nick’s calm brown eyes. ‘Hey.’

  The hushed word soothed his constricted lungs, releasing a sigh. ‘Hey.’

  ‘You’re going to be fine. Nothing bad can happen to you while you’re doing this. It’s just a simulator and it can be turned off whenever you want. I’ve done these plenty of times before. You’ve got nothing to worry about.’ Nick’s voice held no mocking tone for being terrified of what was essentially a computer game. Nick was absolutely there for him and would be with him throughout. That mattered. That made it easier. It was still hard, but it wasn’t as hard. Like taking a full breath.

  Lyall kissed him and he found solace in soft lips. He wanted to leave for a whole other reason.

  ‘If you two are looking to join the Mile High Club, you’ve come to the wrong place.’

  Lyall snapped back and gawped at the pilot who’d come in without him noticing. Tall, straight-backed, tanned skin, brown hair and easy smile. This must be Rob.

  ‘That’s not what I’ve heard.’ Nick jumped up and hugged his friend. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Can’t complain. Especially when two good-looking fellas such as yourselves are my travel companions.’

  Nick directed Rob towards Lyall, and they shook hands.

  ‘Rob, this is my boyfriend, Lyall. Rob and I learned to fly together. God, that was a long time ago.’

  ‘Oh darl, don’t remind me.’

  Lyall allowed himself a small smile at Rob’s campness, the stuffy image of a proper pilot having flown.

  ‘Nice to meet you, Lyall. You’re far too good for Nick here, I hope you know.’

  ‘You’ve only just met him,’ Nick said.

  ‘Doesn’t matter, I can tell.’

  Lyall laughed.

  ‘So are you still with Royal Air?’ Nick asked.

  ‘Yeah, a few flights here and there but with the twins, I don’t mind being at home a bit more often. I send Darren out to earn the big money.’

  ‘Bet he’s thrilled.’

  ‘He is when the girls scream at three am and I’m the one who gets out of bed to calm them down. Anyway, enough about me. We’re here for you guys. Though I just want to check …’ Rob leaned in to Lyall. ‘He didn’t buy this for you as an anniversary present or something, did he?’

  ‘Uhh … No. Actually I bought it.’

  ‘Whaaat?’ Rob stared at Nick and his shaped eyebrows pitched. ‘Girl, you too cheap to take him out on a real plane?’

  ‘No, and it’s not like that. This is something Lyall wanted to do.’ Nick gave no indication that this was anything other than a fun experience they were sharing together, but the problem with that was if it all went tits-up, he’d feel even more embarrassed than if he’d just told Rob straight.

  ‘Yeah,’ Lyall said. ‘I’ve got a fear of flying and I thought this might help.’

  Rob’s eyebrows shot up even higher. ‘You’re afraid of flying and you’re dating Mr Frequent Flyer here?’ He sucked air through his teeth. ‘Oh love, are you sure the sex is worth it?’

  He snorted, and Rob gave him a sassy puckered-lip smile. ‘Ok then. And don’t worry, we get a lot of people in here who are afraid of flying and they do find it helps.’ Rob’s dramatic side flipped for one of real compassion and care. ‘We’re not going to do anything crazy unless you want to. We’ll do some take-offs and landings, and we’ll get you into the feel of it and show you what takes place in the cockpit. Takes a bit of the mystery out of it and that’s a good thing. It’s just a bigger car with a few more buttons and wings.’

  ‘Don’t let Sandy hear you say that,’ Nick said. ‘She’ll kill you.’

  ‘She can try.’ Rob’s lips pursed and his shoulders shimmied.

  Lyall laughed again, which helped shake loose the tension gathering across his chest.

  ‘Ok. So, let me run through the spiel they like us to get through and then we can go have the real fun.’

  Rob described how long the experience would take, the procedures they’d be following, how the simulator worked, and how to use some of the controls.

  And then they were in the cockpit.

  The tension returned in thick bands that strapped themselves around his torso and ransomed his breath.

  ‘Now, this is a bit roomier than what Nick and I are used to but you get the basic idea.’

  There were two seats in the front with two behind for the ‘passengers’. Then the ‘window’ with its screen already showing the tarmac. Between the front seats were the thrust levers, the flap levers, levers for spoilers, and a whole lot of flashing buttons, switches and gauges that might or might not do anything. Lyall’s mind delved beneath the console to the metres and metres of wiring that connected it all. What if one was faulty or wired wrong? He pulled himself back as Rob told him to sit in the captain’s seat and buckled him in, then slipped a headset over his ears. More constriction. Less air.

  Rob took the co-pilot’s seat while Nick sat behind. Rob reeled off directions about what to hold on to, what switches to flick and the best way of handling the take-off, but Lyall’s palms were wet the second they touched the control column. He wiped his hands on his jeans a few times. All that moisture coming out of his pores left his mouth dry.

  ‘Where would you like to go?’ Rob’s voice came through the headset.

  Lyall’s mind went blank. His desiccated tongue sat heavy inside his mouth. ‘Ummm …’

  ‘Let’s keep it close to home for now,’ Nick said. ‘That ok, babe?’

  He was bound too tight—inside and out—and he could only snatch at shallow breaths. He nodded. How could he be expected to talk when he was having a hard enough time breathing?

  ‘Perth it is.’ Rob fiddled with something and the picture outside the window morphed into the local airport, a familiar colour of bright blue sky and dull green bushes appearing instead.

  It’s not real.

  ‘Now, we want to take it nice and easy, Lyall, and go for a smooth take-off. Put your hands on the thrust lever and follow my instructions.’

  He clenched his jaw and pushed forward. The program began and the vision of the tarmac started to move. It swayed but was that his head or the room?
They rambled along, the cockpit shuddering. His eyes flicked above and to the side, every part of him oscillated at different speeds and angles. He strained to see Nick. He wanted to hold onto something steady but he dared not let go of the control column.

  ‘I’m right here, babe,’ Nick said from behind. He was too far away to put his hand on his shoulder but his voice helped him level out. Unfortunately that immediately became useless as Rob told him to increase the speed and the ground moved faster.

  This was ridiculous. They hadn’t even taken off yet. Bryce hadn’t died until they were …

  He jerked back, releasing the controls like they’d zapped him.

  Bryce isn’t here. This can’t kill anyone. All you have to do is play this stupid game and then you never have to get on a plane again. You’re not scared of a computer, are you?

  But a technical fault was to blame for the plane going down.

  Yeah but that was probably some crap technician who’d put things together wrong, easily done, I mean, look at how you electrocuted myself. Stupid, stupid mistakes. That’s all it was.

  And thanks to that it was all over.

  ‘Lyall, do you want to stop?’ Rob asked.

  His heart already had.

  Rob pulled back on the thrust lever until they were stationary. Lyall stared out the fake window at a fake world. It was just dumb luck—stupid bad dumb luck. People were to blame but it wasn’t malicious, it had just been something that happened. People died every day and that was the way that Bryce went.

  He slumped in his chair and stared at his clasped hands. They were cold and clammy. He couldn’t fly this thing. He was never going anywhere.

  ‘Rob, do you mind if I take over as co-pilot?’ Nick said.

  There must have been some other exchange because Rob got out of his seat and Nick buckled in next to him. He adjusted his straps, settled into a groove in the seat and smiled like he’d found home. Even in a t-shirt and jeans he looked like a skilled professional pilot who could soar the skies. He might not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but Nick was his Superman.