The Love Left Behind

by Daniel De Lorne

  ‘Geez, you could sound a bit happier about having a birthday. You’re only thirty-one, a bit too young to be dreading celebrating getting a year older.’

  Nick fixed him with a stern look, the kind he probably used on difficult passengers. But he wasn’t in charge here. Lyall turned it right back at him.

  At an impasse, Nick was forced to give way. ‘Come on, then, tell me.’

  Lyall held up both hands and put on his best offended mother expression and got out of bed. ‘No, no, no, if you don’t like surprises and attention and displays of how much I love you and how happy I am that on this day you were born, then I may as well go home. I’m sure there’s something else I could be doing.’

  ‘Get here this instant, Lyall Francis Turner.’ Nick grabbed him and wrestled him back into the bed, pinning him down so he couldn’t easily get away again.

  ‘Well, just because you asked so nicely. We’ve got a boozy lunch with Sandy at that restaurant you like by the beach, then I booked us in for massages and facials at three and finally, of course, there’s dinner with my family, which you agreed to.’

  ‘Ahhh, excuse me, I think I was given an ultimatum,’ Nick murmured into Lyall’s chest. ‘Either I attend or I would be alone tonight. I think that’s how it went.’

  Spending the evening with his family didn’t bother Nick, it was that he’d been forced—Nick’s word—into inviting Dimitri.

  Nick lifted his head. ‘It’s not too late to tell Dimitri he can’t come, you know.’

  ‘Babe, it’ll be fine. I want to meet him and it’s a good thing that our families get to know each other. You’ve spent a lot of time with mine and I haven’t even met him yet.’

  Will Dimitri like me?

  Nick grimaced and rolled onto his back. He dug the heels of his palms into his eye sockets and rubbed. ‘There’s a reason for that. A very good reason.’

  ‘He can’t be that bad.’

  Nick took his hands away from his face, his skin flushed pink. ‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’ He slipped out of bed, walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

  How could their relationship be that bad, especially when they were all they had left after Avarina’s death? Losing Bryce had bound the Turners tighter. If Lyall could help repair Nick and Dimitri’s family, then that would be the best birthday present he could ever give. Until then the gift he slid out from under the bed would have to suffice.

  When Nick returned from the bathroom, Lyall was sitting cross-legged with the large wrapped present in front of him.

  Nick frowned. ‘What’s this?’

  Lyall’s pecs clenched, mimicking the pulling together of the muscles in Nick’s forehead. ‘You’ll have to open it and find out.’

  Nick sat on the bed, carefully untied the bow, unstuck the wrapping paper, and lifted the box’s lid to reveal an old-fashioned leather-bound atlas. A soft intake of breath blew away his smile.

  ‘You … You really shouldn’t have.’

  They’d seen it when shopping one day and it had transfixed Nick to the point that he’d stared at it for a long time through the window. When asked what was so special about it, Nick said he and his mum used to look at one like it in the library, comparing how things had changed and what had stayed the same. They’d stumbled over exotic names and imagined what the places were like. It had taken a while for Nick to return to his usual self that day.

  ‘Do you like it?’

  ‘It’s …’ He bit his bottom lip and his eyes shimmered.

  Lyall’s chest relaxed. He hugged Nick, kissed him, and pressed his nose against his cheek. If Avarina couldn’t be here, maybe this could be the next best thing. ‘Happy birthday.’

  Nick sniffed and smiled and stared at the atlas. ‘It’s perfect.’ He lifted the book out of the box and leafed through a few pages, smoothing his hand over maps of Asia and Africa, lingering on the outline of Greece before pointing to Santorini.

  ‘That’s where Mum’s from.’

  Lyall hugged him tighter, and Nick kissed the top of his head. A heavy sigh fluttered the pages he held ready to turn before he closed the book. He reached into the drawer of his side table and pulled out a long envelope, thick with papers, and handed it to Lyall.

  ‘I’ve got a present for you, too.’

  ‘But it’s your birthday.’ He accepted the envelope thrust towards him. He thumbed the edge, gauging the number of pages within. It held more than a one-page letter, but even that could be heavy depending on what was written on it.

  Nick shrugged. ‘I get to do what I want on my birthday, don’t I? Isn’t that the rule or something?’

  ‘Bad, bad man.’

  ‘Punish me later.’

  He grinned and tore open the envelope, pulled out the papers and read.

  His breath caught, freezing his lungs on the inhale. Nick was taking him on a two-week holiday to Greece.

  ‘What?!’ he said. ‘You can’t do this!’

  Razors sliced the underside of his skin as panic rocketed up his body. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t get on a plane. Not yet. It was too soon.

  ‘Please don’t freak out.’ Nick’s hand locked tight on Lyall’s. ‘It’s not for another month, and I don’t want to push you, but it would mean the world to me if we could go together.’

  He tried to regulate his breathing but each gulp of air shred into ribbons. They were plane tickets. Tickets for a plane.

  ‘You’ve made excellent progress, and if at the last minute you can’t do it, that’s fine. I won’t be upset. But I thought this could give you something to work towards, a goal.’

  He had to hold the papers with both hands and the sides buckled with the force of his grip. ‘I don’t think phobias work like that,’ he said softly, voice stripped of any power.

  ‘I know, but it’s worth a shot. Please tell me you’ll think about it.’

  The trip wasn’t until late next month, which was still too soon, but it was definitely somewhere he wanted to go. Hell, he wanted to go everywhere, but could he fly there?

  He struggled to swallow but he focused on doing that and only that. His throat stopped the panic rising higher and the sharp edges dulled. He folded up the papers with shaking hands, taking a few attempts to slip them back into the envelope. He turned to Nick and forced a smile.

  If he could get through the plane ride, then he could have an amazing trip with Nick.

  If he could get through the plane ride.

  He’d been slashed to pieces but Nick’s faith healed many wounds. ‘Thank you, and I promise, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure I’m on that plane with you.’

  Nick beamed. ‘That’s the best present you could give me.’

  ‘Oh really? Then I’d better keep all the other presents to myself.’

  ‘If any of them involve you getting completely naked right now, then you’d better give them to me or else.’

  Nick pushed him back and kissed down his neck, his chest, abdomen and lower. They were going to be late for lunch.

  18

  ‘It’s going to be ok,’ Lyall said.

  They were sitting in Lyall’s car in the driveway to the Turners’ house. Dimitri’s gleaming grey Mercedes was parked on the curb. They were ten minutes late and the knots that the masseuse had painfully but pleasantly worked free had reformed in Nick’s shoulders tighter than the time when he’d nearly had a mid-air collision.

  ‘You don’t know Dimitri.’

  And now he owed Sandy a lot of lunches.

  ‘Come on.’ Lyall bounded out of the car. Nick’s hand couldn’t quite make it from his lap to the handle. He wouldn’t have been able to open it with his fist anyway. Lyall let him out.

  He swivelled, planting one foot beside the other on the concrete. Lyall hooked him under the arm and dragged him from the car, resistance overruled with brute strength.

  ‘You were the one who was worried about being late,’ Lyall said.

  He still wasn’t ready to hurry. If this we
re a flight, they’d have missed their departure slot. Instead they were taxiing along a bumpy short runway with no headwind behind them. Take-off was going to be glacial.

  He couldn’t believe he’d agreed. He should have just lied when Lyall asked him to invite Dimitri and said his father was away. But Lyall had insisted. He’d made Nick’s concerns sound not so bad, that perhaps he was just letting a few issues from his past colour his whole relationship, and that Dimitri wasn’t the awful person he made him out to be. Lyall’s arguments had made sense. Being around other people would be a moderating influence. Maybe he’d be alright in a mixed setting with his son’s boyfriend’s family. But looking at that car and imagining the scene his father could already be making inside …

  Nothing had ever moderated Dimitri, not even a dead wife, so why expect a miracle of the living?

  Lyall opened the door and Nick struggled for take-off as Dimitri’s machine-gun laugh fired from down the hall. It took a second for a response that was half as strong. It sounded like Steve. He’d laugh at anything to make people feel comfortable, even during an evening of nail-pulling torture.

  ‘Hello, everyone.’ Lyall walked in with Nick trailing. They all stood in the living area and their heads pivoted towards him and Lyall.

  ‘Happy birthday!’ Grace shoved her son out of the way, grabbed Nick’s shoulders and hauled him into a bone-crushing hug. He froze, unused to such a display, but he liked it. He’d missed it. But before he could unwind completely, she was gone and he received a rapid succession of hugs from the Turners. Each one lifted him, and what had started as a sluggish ascent quickly found a comfortable speed. Maybe he could cruise through the evening on their affection.

  Dimitri was the only drag. ‘Happy birthday, Nicky,’ he said from the same spot he’d been standing in when they’d walked in, a glass of wine in his hand.

  Nick nodded.

  ‘Was a bit surprised to get here before you. Late for your own birthday party!’

  He doubled-down, forced himself to shed resistance and climb higher. His back straightened. ‘Well, Lyall and I had a busy day. Sorry everyone for being late.’

  ‘Don’t mind that,’ Steve said. ‘It’s your birthday. We’re just glad you’re here.’

  To save you from more of Dimitri’s talking, no doubt.

  Lyall elbowed him in the ribs. He hadn’t introduced him to Dimitri yet. This was going to be fun.

  ‘Dad, this is Lyall. Lyall, Dimitri.’

  Lyall frowned at him but it was quickly wiped away as he shook Dimitri’s hand. ‘Pleasure to meet you.’

  Dimitri squinted one eye like a jeweller assessing whether a diamond were real or fake. ‘Oh yes, I seem to remember Nicky mentioning a Lyall a while ago. It’s a wonder you’ve managed to put up with him for so long.’

  Nick closed his eyes. Not at cruising altitude yet. Was it too late to abort and turn back?

  ‘Uh … well, he’s got a lot of good qualities.’

  ‘I’ll take your word for it.’ Dimitri smiled and took another drink. So the night was going to go pretty much exactly as he’d expected: the joking insults fired across the room. How could he have been so stupid to let Lyall talk him into this? He couldn’t see this lasting any less than two hours. He needed a drink, even if it threatened his control.

  Grace and Chris excused themselves and went into the kitchen.

  Lucky bastards.

  Rosie handed him champagne. The bubbles stripped his tongue and throat of all the poison he wanted to say. His fist wrapped around the stem of the glass. He should have stuck to his usual plans of ignoring his birthday.

  ‘How was your day, Nick?’ Rosie asked.

  The champagne soured in his stomach. In truth, the day had been everything he could have hoped for, almost perfect, and he was letting Dimitri ruin Lyall’s gift. He relaxed his stranglehold. ‘It was wonderful. Lyall did so much for me.’

  As did the rest of them.

  Is this what it was like to have a family who took notice?

  ‘Please,’ Dimitri held up his hand, stealing the attention, ‘I’m sure we don’t need to know what Lyall did for you.’ He laughed but no one else joined in. He kept laughing.

  ‘How many of those have you had?’ Nick nodded at the glass-third-full in Dimitri’s hand.

  ‘This is my first. Don’t be so touchy. Steve,’ he said, sidling up to him, ‘I hope none of your kids are as touchy as Nicky here. Can’t take a joke, that’s his problem.’

  Nick’s jaw clenched and a thick needle of pain shot down from a molar. He knew exactly what his problem was. He bore the ache, used its strength like jet fuel to push through and seek the calm above the clouds.

  ‘Well, I’m glad we get to see you tonight, Nick,’ Steve said. ‘I know there’s usually a lot of other things you boys can be doing but we’re happy to have you here to celebrate.’

  Steve’s words gave him the necessary lift and he settled into the flow of how the night would go. He just had to cruise from here. He rubbed his jaw. ‘Thanks, Steve.’

  ‘Oh, how did you like the atlas?’ he asked.

  Warmth cloaked the chill of the champagne sliding down his gullet. ‘Loved it. I guess Lyall told you about how we’d seen it one day and it reminded me of one I used to look at with my mum.’

  ‘I don’t remember this,’ Dimitri interjected like a belt of turbulence.

  ‘You were at work.’ Despite the bubbles in his belly, his words came out flat.

  ‘We thought it was lovely,’ Rosie said. ‘I can’t imagine there are too many places where you haven’t been.’

  Still too many to count.

  ‘Plenty more to go.’ He took Lyall’s hand. ‘But I’m hoping that soon I won’t be seeing them alone.’

  He wouldn’t mention the tickets to Greece until Lyall was ready. There’d been times throughout the day when Lyall had sat chewing his thumbnail. He hadn’t revealed his anxiety when asked but there wasn’t much doubt about the cause.

  ‘Play your cards right, Lyall, and you’ll be able to see the world thanks to Nicky here,’ Dimitri said. ‘He gets great deals with the airlines. Hasn’t he taken you anywhere?’

  Lyall winced. ‘Ahhh … It’s been a bit tricky to get away unfortunately.’

  ‘Well, that’s good. For a second I was worried I’d have to fight you to keep my discount.’ Dimitri raised his glass and drank.

  The skin pulled tight at the back of Nick’s head like someone had taken hold of his hair and yanked. His discount? Like it was Dimitri’s birthright. Leo and Rosie shared a wide-eyed look. The quiet was too much for Zara who tugged at her mother’s hand. ‘When can Nick open the presents?’

  ‘Presents?’ Nick asked.

  ‘Of course! We’ll go get them,’ Steve said and he and Leo vanished.

  ‘Please tell me you didn’t get me anything.’ He already owed them for putting up with Dimitri.

  Rosie’s forehead creased. ‘Why wouldn’t there be presents?’

  His heart flinched, hurt more when Lyall held his hand, ached when Steve and Leo came out carrying gift-wrapped boxes and set them on the table for him to open. Apart from Sandy, the last birthday present he could remember getting had been when his mother was alive. That last year she’d given him a passport holder.

  ‘You really shouldn’t have done this,’ he said when he was able to talk.

  ‘Nonsense. Here, open ours first,’ Rosie said. ‘I think the girls will burst if you don’t.’

  Zara and Aisha bounced up and down behind the chair.

  He slipped out the card. Hand-drawn unicorns and rainbows danced across the cover. ‘Did you make this?’

  They nodded in unison.

  ‘I love unicorns and rainbows.’

  Lyall snorted.

  Inside they’d written a bright happy birthday message with Rosie, Leo, Aisha and Zara signed in various handwriting. All with love.

  ‘This is beautiful, girls. Thank you so much.’

  ‘The present! The pr
esent!’ Zara shouted.

  ‘Ok. Ok. Should I open it carefully or rip it?’

  ‘Rip it!’ they both cried.

  ‘Alright then.’ He tore the wrapping paper, the sound tickling his scalp, and uncovered a box. He lifted the lid. Inside were a set of cufflinks and a tie clip—both silver and studded with onyx.

  His chest started to cave and he strained his muscles so it wouldn’t collapse, taking out his heart. ‘They’re stunning,’ he said softly. The ones he wore to work were a cheap set he’d always thought of replacing but had never got around to.

  ‘Lyall said you were in the market for some new ones,’ Rosie said. ‘I saw them the other day and thought they suited you.’

  ‘I love them.’ He pushed out of his seat and hugged Rosie, then Leo and finally the two girls together. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Mine next!’ Chris emerged out of the kitchen to lift off his bulky and odd-shaped gift and shoved it into his hands. He disappeared to take care of the food. Another tear of paper, another thrill.

  Protein powder and a shaker?

  He looked around for answers.

  Lyall pointed at the powder. ‘That’s the stuff I use. Minnie, what the hell?’ he shouted.

  ‘You said you didn’t have any at his place.’

  ‘Riiiiight?’

  Chris pulled his head out of the oven. ‘Look, tonight’s cooking is my real gift, but that’s just so Lyall won’t be at home as much and I can get the bigger room.’

  Nick laughed along with the rest of the Turners. All except Lyall.

  And Dimitri.

  ‘You could always move out if you want something bigger,’ Lyall snapped.

  ‘You could always move out if you want to shut up.’

  ‘Cut it out, you two,’ Steve said.

  The brothers pulled faces at each other, and Nick swapped Chris’s gift for Grace and Steve’s. He opened the card first.

  Happy birthday, Nick. Welcome to the family. Love Grace and Steve.

  He braced, his heart close to being crushed. He wished he could have opened their gifts in private. He unwrapped the paper and in his hand he held a new leather passport holder. He held his breath like he held an injured bird. They’d embossed his initials in the bottom-right corner.