The Love Left Behind

by Daniel De Lorne

  He found it on the inside back cover.

  I can’t wait to see the whole world with you, Nick. With all my love always, Lyall.

  Heat burst in his heart and melted his despair. He ran to his bedroom, grabbed the envelope from his drawer and sprinted out of the apartment. He reached Grace and Rosie at the bottom of the stairs.

  ‘What is it?’ Rosie asked.

  ‘Here.’ He heaved for breath. ‘Give this to Lyall. Tell him I’ll wait for him.’

  She smiled and they hugged him. He waved until they’d driven off but they’d left him with a new hope.

  21

  Nick arrived at the airport earlier than usual. The standard two hours was always too much when he was a solo passenger, and when he was a pilot he didn’t have to stand around at the gate. But that day he’d gotten there three hours early so he was there when Lyall arrived.

  If Lyall arrived.

  He’d had no word from any of the Turners—least of all Lyall—but he’d tried to nurture a tiny shoot of hope, even as it struggled to thrive. He’d barely slept the past few nights. He’d flitted through the days like a glitchy version of himself on an old cathode TV. Sandy had snapped at him and told him to have a little faith, but it was hard to believe in things you couldn’t see or touch.

  Over the past weeks he’d thought of messaging or calling Lyall but what would he say? Encouragement might lead to an argument or a breakdown. He also didn’t want confirmation he’d be doing this journey alone.

  Like all the others.

  He stood in the thoroughfare outside the line so Lyall wouldn’t miss him if he did show. His grip pumped the handle of his small suitcase. Inside, packed deep in wrapped clothes was the last capsule, which he’d hidden in a bottle of pills so it wouldn’t look like he was carrying something illegal when it was x-rayed. The last thing he needed was to be stopped and for it to be thrown away, his final mission ruined.

  The straps of his backpack burrowed into his shoulders. He’d stuffed it with noise-cancelling headphones, eye masks, earplugs, travel sickness pills and a bottle of diazepam he’d once got when he was having trouble with jet lag. He’d also bought a few of Lyall’s favourite protein bars and downloaded about fifty hours’ worth of TV shows and movies that Lyall liked—anything that would provide distraction. He carried far more than he’d ever taken on a flight. He would have taken ten times as much if it kept Lyall calm.

  But after waiting for an hour and a half, it was looking like excess baggage. The line was getting longer and time shorter. He peered up and down the departure hall, occasionally spotting a guy that could have been Lyall but wasn’t, his mouth bowing into a smile before going slack. Stupid. Of course Lyall wasn’t coming.

  It would be him and Avarina.

  Alone.

  He joined the line and inched forward with the other passengers. Parents wrestled with their children, managing expectations or getting them excited in equal measure. Couples held onto each other lovingly, preparing for their romantic journey. He could have joined an express lane, gained the attention of a friend behind the counter, and escaped all this taunting but then he’d be through in five minutes. He wanted to wait as long as possible.

  Just in case.

  He reached the front of the line and Lyall wasn’t there. The gap between him and the counter stretched wide and he crossed on unsteady legs. He’d traversed rickety bridges that swung over canyons and he followed the same advice he’d been given then: don’t look down. Even so his stomach slipped lower, dragging his heart with it. He made it to the desk, and his friend Sophie was giving him a cheery hello, which he failed to return.

  ‘Everything alright, Nick?’

  ‘Could be better, but I’ll be on the plane soon.’

  Up in the clouds. Nothing and no one can touch me up there.

  ‘Just you then?’

  He nodded.

  ‘What do you want me to do with the other ticket?’

  The point of no return. He looked at his watch, gravity tugging on him, demanding he be brought crashing to Earth. Lyall wouldn’t make the flight even if he did leave the ticket open. He checked his phone for any messages he might not have heard but there weren’t any. Just the time and a picture of Lyall.

  ‘I guess you’d better cancel it.’

  ‘You’re going to lose the money on it, you know that, right?’

  He’d lost more than money.

  He opened his mouth to answer.

  ‘Wait!’ Lyall’s voice carried to him, and he turned as Lyall ran up to the counter. He put his hand on Nick’s shoulder and that simple touch sent a shiver through his body. ‘Nick, can we talk?’

  The sight of Lyall rescued Nick’s plunging heart.

  But he hadn’t come with luggage, just baggage.

  Gravity reasserted itself, and he was willing to fall.

  ‘The flight’s going to close.’ He kept his tone flat while his stomach, his heart, his love and his life swayed by a frayed and rotten rope. ‘Either you’re coming or you’re not.’

  ‘Can I explain? Just five minutes.’

  Nick looked at the glaring crowd and then at Sophie. ‘Do I have time?’

  Please say yes.

  ‘Be quick or else I won’t be able to hold it, not even for you.’ She handed back his passport and he wheeled his suitcase away from the counter. There was nowhere they could go that would give them privacy but he didn’t plan on crying.

  ‘Why are you here if you’re not coming with me?’

  Lyall showing up like this was cruel. He rubbed the back of a closed fist with his thumb and looked around him. ‘I know Mum and Rosie came to see you, and they said there’s something that you’re not telling me and … and I want to know what it is.’

  ‘What’s the point? If you’re not getting on the plane, what does it matter?’

  He’d never thought he’d give Lyall an ultimatum. He was always going to be patient and give Lyall the space he needed to conquer his fear in his own time.

  Lyall shook his head. ‘It matters to me. I know I fucked up with Dimitri and I’m sorry but I had no real understanding of—’

  ‘I shouldn’t have had—’

  Lyall held up his hand. ‘Yes, you should have. You didn’t tell me about that last birthday with your mum. You didn’t tell me all the awful things that took place in your family. You didn’t let me in. And fine, maybe you shouldn’t have had to, but if we’re meant to be together, we’re meant to share all the bad stuff as well as the good.’

  Lyall was so close but would reaching out to him save them? He’d already lost too much.

  ‘I was protecting both of us.’

  ‘I know, but how am I meant to do the right thing if no one tells me what’s going on?’

  Nick folded his arms to stop from hugging Lyall. He was unravelling in front of him, but Nick had to save himself or they’d both go down. Maybe he could throw him another line, one that wasn’t tied to him.

  ‘This isn’t just about us, is it?’

  He shook his head. ‘They didn’t tell us about Bryce at first. We’d been at school when it happened. Our parents had asked a friend to take us home and she tried to shield us from it while they worried themselves sick until it was confirmed. But Rosie and I knew something was off.’

  People passed them and Lyall wrapped his arms around himself, muscles bulging, protecting.

  ‘And you know how I get. I demanded answers. I threw things, screamed at them when they tried to console me and told me nothing was wrong. And then we caught the news without meaning to, but the friend looking after us said everything was alright, but it wasn’t, and then we went home and Bryce wasn’t there and no one talked to us, they kept pushing us aside while Mum and Dad wept, and it was fucking awful and no one told me what was happening.’

  Lyall’s breath shuddered and he squeezed himself tighter. His gaze swept up and the blazing pain in them burned Nick’s heart. He forced himself to stay still but his resolve was no thicker
than a thread. Even if Lyall didn’t come with him, he didn’t want him to be left like this. He closed the space between them and hugged Lyall’s quivering body. His breath beat on Nick’s shirt.

  ‘I’m sorry, Lyall.’

  He sniffed and pulled his head back but he didn’t let go. Nick didn’t want him to let go.

  ‘No one told me until Mum said, at least I have you. And then I knew he wasn’t coming back. And the rest, well, I pieced it together. I watched the news when I could, I read the newspapers, and had to figure it all out for myself, and realise that Bryce had gone on a plane, that plane had crashed and he was dead. It was like he’d disappeared. Like you.’

  ‘I haven’t disappeared.’

  ‘No, but you left—twice—and it hurt. It hurt a lot.’ Lyall touched his chest. ‘Right where Bryce is.’

  From the beginning he had never wanted to hurt Lyall but it had been easier to see fifty countries than keep that promise.

  Lyall stared at him. ‘So please, please tell me what you have been keeping from me. You’ve got everything I have to give. Let me in. Why is it so important for me to come with you?’

  Nick’s heart stilled, but the winds around it blew. Too strong and it would plummet—either to be caught or crushed. Lyall had shared everything with him—his love, his trauma, even his family. It was only fair he got the same in return. But fairness wasn’t easy. His lip scraped free of his teeth.

  ‘I want you to come with me to help say goodbye to my mother for the last time, and so we can begin our own adventures together.’

  The last thread snapped but his heart floated, caught on the updraught of his relieved breath. It might not be saved but speaking the truth would cushion the impact.

  ‘That was her list, wasn’t it?’

  He nodded. ‘She wanted to visit fifty countries before she turned fifty but she never got anywhere near it. So I decided she’d get to see them after all.’

  Every country on the list they’d put there together. His battered heart soared and fell on the memories of those shared choices. When he asked why Greece, she said she didn’t remember any of it from her childhood. It would be the first and the last place she went.

  ‘I took her ashes, divided them up and off I went. And now I’m down to the last one, and her birthday is in a week, and … and I wanted you to be there, to say goodbye to all that remained of my mother and so we could start our own life together, start our own list. It was the best way I could think of introducing you to her because she would have loved you.’

  His heart dipped on those words. He was going down too fast. He screwed his eyes shut, hoping that he could hold back heavy tears. She really would have loved Lyall and now there’d never be the chance for them to meet. He breathed out and blinked his eyes open to cool the burning behind them.

  ‘I’m tired of doing it alone. That’s why I wanted you there.’ He could only whisper. ‘But you’re not coming.’

  ‘You should have told me.’

  He extracted himself from Lyall’s arms. They only provided false and fleeting comfort.

  ‘I didn’t want to pressure you more than I already had. If you knew about this and didn’t get on the plane, I couldn’t dump that guilt on you. We’ve both lost a lot and that hurt takes a lot to heal. It makes us raw and vulnerable and sometimes it’s not worth exposing but—’

  ‘But sometimes it is,’ Lyall said and smiled, those dimples beaming out of his face.

  The Earth stopped its vicious demands and everything froze mid-air. Nick frowned. ‘Does that mean?’

  Lyall smiled wider and looked behind Nick and waved. He spun round to see the Turner family by the window.

  With an enormous suitcase.

  Nick’s heart flew back to its rightful place, beating strong enough to send a thrill radiating beneath his skin. He laughed and lifted Lyall into his arms, kissing lips he’d yearned for these past weeks. Their touch filled him with light.

  Oh god, how he’d missed him.

  Lyall pushed him back to catch his breath and choked out a few laughs, but Nick didn’t let him go far.

  ‘Looks like you’re going after all?’ Grace said as they circled them.

  ‘Oh, I think so,’ Lyall said, and the Turners rushed forward to hug them. Enveloped in the arms of a family who cared, they only stopped hugging because they were blocking the exit and people had planes to catch. He’d have stayed there forever if he could. But their love gave him a home to return to once his mission was done.

  And speaking of mission …

  ‘We’d better check in. You alright?’ he asked Lyall, who was doing his best to relax the tension gripping his eyes and forehead. The moment had come. Talk had to give way to action.

  ‘I hope you’ve allowed for a whole lot of luggage because Lyall has packed everything he owns,’ Chris said.

  Lyall’s eyes flared at his brother. ‘Not everything!’

  The suitcase was enormous. And there was an overstuffed backpack too.

  ‘We tried to get him to streamline but …’ Grace spread out her hands. Lyall was going to need lessons in how to pack.

  ‘It’s not that bad,’ Lyall hmphed. At least when he was being teased he wasn’t fixating on the flight ahead. ‘Did they already send your other bag through?’ He looked at Nick’s suitcase.

  Nick laughed. ‘No. Everything I need is in here.’ His was about half the size of Lyall’s and wasn’t full.

  Lyall gawped. ‘We’re going for two weeks.’

  He laughed again and his chest sang with it. ‘Trust me. I’ve got everything I need.’ He kissed Lyall again, wanting more and knowing he could. ‘We’d better check in before they close the gate. Come on.’

  The family stayed behind. He and Lyall were about to join the end of the queue when Sophie appeared. ‘I think you boys should come with me, don’t you?’

  Thank god for friends. She led them to an unattended counter to process them. Nick leaned over and whispered in Lyall’s ear: ‘Are you sure you’re ready to do this?’

  He nodded rapidly. ‘Absolutely. I’ve been to therapy, I saw Rob and did that flight simulator thing again. I’ve even been watching movies about plane crashes.’

  Nick spluttered. ‘And you got through them all?’

  ‘Well, some of them. Airplane! made me laugh—it’s the kind of movie you’d like—but Alive … well, let’s just say I’m not keen to go to the Andes just yet.’ He turned to Sophie. ‘And you’ve checked the plane for snakes, right?’

  Sophie smiled and kept clicking.

  ‘So you’re cured?’ Nick asked.

  ‘I dunno. Guess we’ll see. At the moment I am just managing to keep from fainting but seeing you has helped. Besides, I’ve got Valium.’

  Nick chuckled. ‘I brought some for you as well.’

  ‘But you didn’t know if I was going to show up.’

  ‘I hoped you would.’

  ‘Someone was listening to your prayers then.’

  ‘And a whole lot more.’

  Nick let Lyall watch the whole check-in transaction with greedy attention: seeing what Sophie was doing with the passports, answering the security questions with a seriousness that accustomed flyers lacked. His luggage was overweight but it balanced against Nick’s. And Sophie bumped them up to business class.

  ‘You do know you’ve set the bar very high now, Sophie. He’s going to have expectations.’

  She laughed. ‘Have a great trip, guys.’ She handed Lyall his passport and boarding passes, and he checked his name, the gate, the times, over and over until Nick took them out of his hand and stopped him obsessing.

  ‘Well, we’re all set,’ he said as they returned to the family. ‘Gate’s this way.’

  They followed through the terminal, Grace checking that Lyall was ok, saying that she wanted to hear from him regularly, that he was to wear his seatbelt and be careful when they got to Greece and a million other things that poured into his already worried head, until they reached the gate a
nd the family wasn’t allowed to go further.

  ‘And one last thing,’ she said.

  ‘I don’t think I can remember anything else,’ Lyall said.

  ‘You’ll remember this. Have a wonderful time, both of you.’ Her eyes filled with tears but before they could fall, she hugged them both and kissed them on the cheek, like laying down a sign of protection.

  Oh, the love that came out of her.

  Lyall made the rounds of his family members, but Grace wouldn’t let Nick go. ‘Your mother is with you always, I hope you know that.’

  Her words and her love put a vice around his throat that took far too long to relax.

  ‘Oh, and Lyall’s Valium’s in the front pocket. Easy access.’

  ‘Let’s hope we don’t need it. He’s damn heavy.’

  ‘Oi!’ Lyall shouted, breaking off his hug with his sister. ‘I heard that.’

  ‘Well, how about you get a move on then?’

  ‘Alright, alright.’ He gave Chris a quick hug, then picked up his backpack. ‘Ready.’

  ‘You sure?’ Nick asked.

  Lyall’s eyes shone with possibilities, the gleam of a man who had found pride in himself. The deep-set dimples that studded his cheeks, however, were all for Nick.

  ‘Absolutely.’

  They waved goodbye at the gate, the family blocking the way so annoyed travellers had to manoeuvre around them. Nick would have been one of them before but being on the receiving end of that love, of knowing there were people who would miss him and would be glad of his return, it was the most wonderful thing in the world. He dragged Lyall through the gate but waved just as hard until they rounded the corner and couldn’t see them anymore.

  And it was just them.

  And they had the whole world to discover.

  Together.

  EPILOGUE

  ‘Shouldn’t you be getting ready?’ Lyall shouted from the bathroom at a reclining and naked Nick draped in bedsheets.

  ‘I’m quite happy watching you.’ Nick’s fingers stroked through the hair on his chest. At least his hands weren’t getting any lower.