Hakomi Mindfulness-Centered Somatic Psychotherapy

by Halko Weiss

  Underlying this pattern may be a deep inner dissatisfaction, with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and anger. The missing experience for people with the charming/seductive strategy is to be authentic and intimate—to know and be themselves—to be loved for their real feelings and needs, without being taken advantage of or manipulated. As with the tough/generous strategy, power is the underlying issue. However, not everyone can gain power by being the biggest and scariest person present. Those with charming/seductive strategies choose to find and use power in subtler, seductive ways that do not generate direct confrontation.

  Therapist Adaptations

  When working with clients with the charming/seductive strategy, it is important for the therapist to be aware of her own expectations of the client, and to track for the client’s automatic compliance. It is difficult for these clients to allow the therapy process to deepen toward their authentic experience and needs. Thus, the therapist must be patient and gently persistent (without being challenging or overly directive), and know that as things get real for the client, they become more threatening.

  The therapist must also track for signs of being seduced by the client’s charm, or of trying to use or manipulate the client in any way.

  Therapeutic Strategies and Interventions

  As with the tough/generous strategy, the goal of therapy with the charming/seductive client is to facilitate honest, authentic, loving connection in the client with self and others, and to help him explore the ways in which he defends against this. Some probes that can evoke this core material are: “You can be yourself,” “You don’t have to please me,” “I care about what is true for you,” “Your feelings are important.”

  Experiment with closeness, with taking over protection, with creative physical struggling. Explore the client’s different personas—making them explicit—so as to discover the underlying need and wants.

  As with the tough/generous disposition, the goal of integration is to help the person discern where it can be appropriate and useful to use power—in this case the power of charm and seduction—and where it is appropriate and possible to risk giving up the power game in favor of authenticity, honesty, mutual vulnerability, and intimacy.

  The Burdened/Enduring Pattern

  The burdened/enduring character strategy arises when the need for self-determination and freedom is met with too much interference or an enduring conflict of wills, ending in defeat or submission for the child. The child sacrifices freedom for closeness. Life is viewed as a constant struggle in which there is no choice but overt obedience, as assertion of one’s will is simply not tolerated. Some of the core beliefs of this strategy include: “It’s hopeless,” “I am loved only if I obey,” “I can’t express how I really feel,” “My life is not my own,” “Life is a struggle that I must endure.”

  Physically, people with this character type look as if they have dug in while being pushed from behind—their bodies are heavy, muscular, and earthbound. Their shoulders are rolled forward as if carrying a heavy burden or in defeat, and their upper back, shoulders, and thighs tend to be overdeveloped. They may move slowly or in a plodding manner. Their complexions are often sallow or ruddy, reflecting energetic and emotional stuckness.

  Behaviorally, people with this strategy are often compliant on the surface, but secretly defiant or indignant—with a “Yes, but” or passive-aggressive communication pattern. There may be self-blame, guilt, and low self-worth. They come to therapy often because they feel stuck, frustrated, or depressed. They have difficulty making choices since they are used to deferring to others and are prone to sabotage the positive choices they do make for themselves. They often feel mistreated by others but are unable to speak up for themselves. Because they hold back, they are often passed over by others, and are resentful of people they perceive are treated more favorably. They frequently procrastinate on things they have willingly taken on because they unconsciously project on the boss, teacher, or group the pressure to jump through hoops in order to be loved and accepted.

  In therapy, these clients will seem slow and resistant. They will undermine attempts to experiment or to take action that might lead to change because they likewise project on the therapist the approval or disapproval of an external authority. They may become bogged down in hopelessness and in feeling bad about themselves. Although they may be in touch with their own feelings, they have difficulty expressing them to others.

  Underlying the burdened/enduring character strategy is a need for love without being controlled by others. They have a strong will to resist this control but have learned that in doing so, in expressing their true feelings, they lose the love they seek. They protect themselves by never fully surrendering to the control of others but never fully expressing themselves—thus creating a huge bind for themselves. The missing experience of people with this strategy is the freedom to be themselves, to express themselves spontaneously and joyfully, and to exercise their will while being loved and supported.

  Therapist Adaptations

  When working with clients in the burdened/enduring pattern, the therapist must proceed with patience, lightness, and persistence. It is important not to push the client or become impatient or frustrated with the client’s slow pace, delays, or automatic resistance. At the same time, it is just as important that the therapist not become bogged down in or weighed down by the client’s burdens, negativity, or hopelessness, or take personally the client’s frustration or passive aggression. It helps for the therapist to hold compassion for the real suffering of the client, for the genuine bind that he is in, and for how difficult it is for him to change—and to see the client’s need for love beneath his indirect expressions of anger and disappointment. This pattern embodies a serious issue of the heart, namely the hurt that arises from being accepted conditionally with multiple strings attached, as opposed to being allowed to discover and express oneself in a life that is one’s own.

  Thus, it is essential for the therapist to drop any agenda about success and pace—any need to fix anything or to make anything happen—and to track for signs of the client’s need to slow down or own what is being done, especially when trying new things. Remember that this strategy was created from the client’s feeling controlled or pushed by others and the need to maintain some freedom from this. It is also helpful for the therapist to track for opportunities for spontaneity, humor (but never at the client’s expense, as these clients are especially sensitive to humiliation and criticism), and playfulness.

  Therapeutic Strategies and Interventions

  The goal in working therapeutically with burdened/enduring clients is to allow spontaneous expressions of all kinds—excitement, happiness, and fun, as well as anger, rage, and frustration—in a milieu of loving support; to demonstrate experientially that freedom of expression does not lead to loss of closeness. The therapist can teach the client to balance heavy with light, gloom with joy, and to create habits that build self-worth and self-expression. In the course of therapy, the therapist can assist the client in getting perspective on her automatic “no” and the ways that this manipulates and frustrates others, as well as the ways that she is vulnerable to the control of others. It is helpful to explore and help the client move from passive-aggressiveness to a more direct assertiveness around feelings, needs, and wants.

  The cooperation of the unconscious is gained by patiently matching the client’s pace, getting permission for experiments, collaborating closely on what moves are in service of the client’s own agenda, and contacting the client’s self-constraints and the painful bind that they create. Working with core material will uncover the basic conflict between freedom and love, and the barriers to effective expression and action that result. Probes that address freedom of expression and choice and the permission to feel pleasure help to bring core material to the fore, such as: “Your life belongs to you,” “It’s okay to feel/to be angry/to say no,” “I want to hear what you have to say,” “You can do it your way,” “You can disa
gree with me,” “You have a choice,” “You can play.”

  Experiment with the response barrier by playing with different facial expressions (contempt, disgust, fear, anger, joy) and other expressions of feeling. Experiment with risk taking—setting boundaries and saying no, making choices. Actively take over muscular tensions, holding patterns, and the resistance to being pushed. Experiment with expression through movement, drawing, writing. Experiment with joining hands, where a client pushes one hand against the therapist’s hand while saying “no,” and the other hand stays in contact. Take over internalized admonitions against expression and self-worth. Experiment with playfulness and lightness. Explore outrageousness. Contact and experiment with genuine connection and delight around clients’ freedom to be themselves.

  The integration for this client is to be able to say a genuine “yes” because she can also say a genuine “no.” Thus, the person is able to be present with her own hopes, ideas, and preferences, and not simply complying with what she thinks others expect of her. The strengths of this disposition should also be affirmed in the process—the ability to be exquisitely sensitive to heart issues or issues of justice, and to be understanding, loyal, and patient.

  The Industrious/Overfocused Pattern

  The industrious/overfocused strategy is created when love and a sense of worth and inclusion are conditional on performance. When the child is inevitably excluded from certain contexts by parents, older siblings, or other situations, it is painful. The child answers his own perplexed question, “Why am I excluded?” with “Maybe I am not yet good enough.” Persons with this strategy believe that they must earn love and approval by constant effort—working harder, being responsible, being good, or getting better. They are mobilized toward action; they imagine their self-worth is based on what they do, rather than on their intrinsic right to worth as a human being. They may feel unappreciated and ignored by others. Their core beliefs include: “There is always something else to do,” “I must try to do better and better,” “Life is a problem to be solved,” “I can’t relax,” “I need to earn love and appreciation,” “I am not yet good enough.”

  Physically, these clients seem on alert and ready for action. There may be rigidity throughout their bodies, with square shoulders and a straight back, as if standing at attention like a good soldier, or with an arch in their lower back, as if they are leaning forward into a wind that is blowing against them.

  Behaviorally, people with the industrious/overfocused strategy may be tense, focused, and determined. They prefer work over play (or they play seriously and competitively). They may come to therapy to resolve a specific issue, because they are exhausted or lacking in intimacy in their lives (a complaint that often comes from their partners). In therapy, they are oriented toward problem solving—are ready to get at it and work hard to improve. As clients, they are quite cooperative and may be eager to please the therapist. They often present a lot of details about their situation and experiences so that they and the therapist can work toward a good solution, but don’t focus much on feelings in general and tend to avoid tender and softer feelings in particular. Industrious/overfocused clients are goal oriented, and as such they may experience frustration or impatience with the process not moving forward toward their goals fast enough.

  Underlying the responsible, hard worker in this strategy is often a person who is hurt and longing for tender connection and attention with ease. The missing experience for these clients is the capacity to relax and be loved without having to work to prove their worth—to restore pleasure and connection, rather than effort, as the measure of success.

  Therapist Adaptations

  When working with the industrious/overfocused character strategy, it is important for the therapist to model a sense of connection through ease and lack of effort. This means considering being as important as doing and avoiding attempts to problem solve, work hard, give praise, or be busy with lots of things to do. It is essential to go slowly, leaving room for the experience itself rather than the goal.

  The therapist must also avoid any sense of competiveness or perfectionism with these clients, who may elicit this by their core belief that they must do better in order to be included. The message to embody that is therapeutic for this client is that less is more—no one has to prove anything to anyone. Track for signs of pleasure and joy and help the client stay with them. Track and stay in contact with the client’s tender or more vulnerable side—feelings, hurts, and longings—those things that make one authentic and lovable as an ordinary (rather than extraordinary) human being.

  Therapeutic Strategies and Interventions

  When working with the industrious/overfocused strategy, the aim for therapy is to help clients go from habitual mobilization toward action in order to prove worthiness (effort) to a reclamation of their intrinsic worth through heartful and relaxed connection to life and others. To do this, the therapist must demonstrate acceptance, support feelings of self-acceptance, and help the client surrender constant effort in favor of his deeper feelings within.

  This is done through the therapist tracking, contacting, and gently (without pushing or directing toward a goal) staying with feelings and felt experience as they emerge. This brings the client to an exploration of his longing for rest, simple pleasure, and relaxed intimacy—and the core feelings of frustrated inclusion or unworthiness that drive his actions and make it difficult for him to relax or feel complete. Some probes that help this exploration include: “You are perfect just the way you are,” “You don’t have to do anything right now,” “I’m on your side,” “It’s okay to stop now,” “You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

  Experiment at the completion barrier with doing nothing. Another powerful experiment is slowly and tenderly placing a hand on the client’s heart. Take over critical voices or the internalized voices that drive the client toward more doing. Do experiments with physical support. An important thing to keep in mind, however, is that any doing should be done mindfully and with ease in order to avoid the feeling of working on something—it is better to do a simple experiment slowly and deeply than to cover a lot of ground by doing too much, which reinforces the client’s core beliefs.

  Interventions with this pattern are aimed at gently melting the client’s rigid and mobilized posture into tender and pleasurable feelings, the deliciousness of ease, and the joy of being accepted and included for just being.

  This disposition has a lot of freedom to act, do, and perform that needs to be affirmed. Especially if something is pleasurable, it is good to be able to give good effort and be competent in accomplishing some goal that can theoretically accomplish good in the world. The integration for these clients is to pair this with the capacity to surrender, rest, and participate in nondoing—the freedom to savor, enjoy, and allow others to take delight in them for who they are, whether or not they win the race.

  The Expressive/Clinging Pattern

  The expressive/clinging pattern arises as a strategy when the need to be heard, understood, and loved is met with rejection or exploitation. Here, there is also the issue of inclusion. In this variation, however, the child does not decide, “I must not yet be good enough,” but rather, “I must not yet be interesting enough.” The person learns that he must struggle for inclusion and closeness, and does so with attention-getting behavior—being dramatic, expressive, and, in some cases, sexually suggestive. Core beliefs for this pattern include: “No one understands or hears me,” “I will not be paid attention to unless I am dramatic,” “My father/mother didn’t love me for me,” “Everyone pushes me away eventually,” “My worth depends upon my attractiveness, sexually or in some other way.”

  Physically, people with this pattern may have mature, evenly proportioned adult bodies or a top/bottom split, with a narrow chest and wide hips—a child’s torso on a mature pelvis. They may dress colorfully or exotically. Their movements are energized, dramatic, or sexually suggestive.

  Behaviorally, the expre
ssive/clinging person is talkative and energetic and can be an exquisite host. She has a desire to be noticed and attended to, and is full of feelings that she is ready to share. Because the core experience in this pattern is about rejection, the expressive/clinging client is focused on relationships, which are often full of drama or turmoil. In therapy, these clients have a lot of material to present, and revel in dramatic revelations and powerful emotional experiences. It is often difficult to get them to move away from the story into mindfulness, because they feel such a move separates them from contact with the therapist, with whom they crave closeness.

  Underlying these behaviors is the missing experience of feeling attended to, understood, and secure in relationship without having to earn it through amping up—the ability to be calm and content both alone and in openhearted connection with others.

  Therapist Adaptations

  As with the industrious/overfocused strategy, it is important with the expressive/clinging client for the therapist to model being instead of doing: staying away from problem solving or getting caught in the client’s drama and panic, and instead offering compassionate and genuine understanding and attention. It is easy to be attracted to an expressive/clinging client, and essential for the therapist to monitor this in himself or herself, as any lessening in the energy of attraction is easily perceived by this client—who experiences it as a rejection—and will trigger her need to capture the therapist’s attention again by some escalating dramatic means. Calm, genuine interest is far more therapeutic to the expressive/clinging client than the excitement of attraction.

  It is also important for the therapist not to be overwhelmed by the intense, situational feelings of the client, but to orient to the real fear and pain about relating—the broken heart—that underlies the strategy, and to the meaning the client has made of his experience.