Counting Backwards

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Counting Backwards Page 23

by Helen Dunmore


  The little girl, fresh from suburbia,

  cannot believe in the peaches she finds here.

  They are green and furry as monkeys –

  she picks them and drops them.

  All the same they are matched to the word peach

  and must mean more than she sees. She will post them

  unripe in a tiny envelope

  to her eight-year-old class-mates, and write

  carefully in the ruled-up spaces:

  ‘Where we are the place is a palace.’

  A meditation on the glasshouses

  The bald glasshouses stretch here for miles.

  For miles air-vents open like wings.

  This is the land of reflections, of heat

  flagging from.mirror to mirror. Here cloches

  force on the fruit by weeks, while pulses

  of light run down the chain of glasshouses

  and blind the visitors this Good Friday.

  The daffodil pickers are spring-white.

  Their neat heads in a fuzz of sun

  stoop to the buds, make leafless

  bunches of ten for Easter.

  A white thumb touches the peat

  but makes no print. This is the soil-less

  Eden of glasshouses, heat-stunned.

  The haunting of Epworth

  Epworth Rectory was the childhood home of John Wesley. In December 1716 the house was possessed by a poltergeist; after many unsuccessful attempts at exorcism the spirit, nicknamed ‘Old Jeffery’ by the little Wesley girls, left of its own accord.

  Old Jeffery begins his night music.

  The girls, sheathed in their brick skin,

  giggle with terror. The boys are all gone

  out to the world, ‘continually sinning’,

  their graces exotic and paid for.

  Old Jeffery rummages pitchforks

  up the back chimney. The girls

  open the doors to troops of exorcists

  who plod back over the Isle of Axeholme

  balked by the house. The scrimmage

  of iron, shattering windows, and brickwork

  chipped away daily is birdsong

  morning and evening, or sunlight

  into their unsunned lives.

  Old Jeffery tires of the house slowly.

  He knocks the back of the connubial bed

  where nineteen Wesleys, engendered in artlessness

  swarm, little ghosts of themselves.

  The girls learn to whistle his music.

  The house bangs like a side-drum

  as Old Jeffery goes out of it. Daughters

  in white wrappers mount to the windows, sons

  coming from school make notes – the wildness

  goes out towards Epworth and leaves nothing

  but the bald house straining on tiptoe

  after its ghost.

  Preaching at Gwennap

  Gwennap Pit is a natural amphitheatre in Cornwall, where John Wesley preached.

  Preaching at Gwennap, silk

  ribbons unrolling far off,

  the unteachable turquoise and green

  coast dropping far off,

  preaching at Gwennap, where thermals revolve

  to the bare lip, where granite

  breaks its uneasy backbone,

  where a great natural theatre, cut

  to a hairsbreadth, sends back each cadence,

  preaching at Gwennap to a child asleep

  while the wide plain murmurs, and prayers

  ply on the void, tendered like cords

  over the pit’s brim.

  Off to one side

  a horse itches and dreams. Its saddle

  comes open, stitch after stitch,

  while the tired horse, standing for hours

  flicks flies from its arse

  and eats through the transfiguration –

  old sobersides

  mildly eschewing more light.

  On circuit from Heptonstall Chapel

  Tis not everyone could bear these things, but I bless God, my wife is less concerned with suffering them than I in writing them.

  SAMUEL WESLEY, father of John Wesley,

  writing of his wife Susanna

  The mare with her short legs heavily mud-caked

  plods, her head down

  over the unearthly grasses,

  the burning salt-marshes,

  through sharp-sided marram and mace

  with the rim of the tide’s eyelid

  out to the right.

  The reed-cutters go home

  whistling sharply, crab-wise

  beneath their dense burdens,

  the man on the mare weighs heavy, his broadcloth

  shiny and wom, his boots dangling

  six inches from ground.

  He clenches his buttocks to ease them,

  shifts Bible and meat,

  thinks of the congregation

  gathered beyond town,

  wind-whipped, looking for warm

  words from his dazed lips.

  No brand from the burning;

  a thick man with a day’s travel

  caked on him like salt,

  a preacher, one of those scattered like thistle

  from the many-angled home chapel

  facing all ways on its slabbed upland.

  US 1st Division Airborne Ranger at rest in Honduras

  The long arm hangs flat to his lap.

  The relaxed wrist-joint is tender, shade-

  cupped at the base of the thumb.

  That long, drab line of American cloth,

  those flat brows knitting a crux,

  the close-shaven scalp, cheeks, jawbone and lips

  rest in abeyance here, solid impermanence

  like the stopped breath of a runner swathed up

  in tinfoil bodybag, back from the front.

  He rests, coloured like August foliage and earth

  when the wheat’s cropped, and the massive harvesters

  go out on hire elsewhere,

  his single-lens perspex eyeswield pushed up, denting

  the folds of his skull stubble, his cap

  shading his eyes which are already shaded

  by bone. His pupils are shuttered,

  the lenses widening inwards,

  notions of a paling behind them.

  One more for the beautiful table

  Dense slabs of braided-up lupins –

  someone’s embroidery – Nan,

  liking the blue,

  one more for the beautiful table

  with roses and handkerchiefs, seams

  on the web of fifty five-year-olds’ life-spans.

  New, tough little stitches

  run on the torn

  wedding head-dresses.

  No one can count them

  back to the far-off

  ghosts of the children’s conceptions.

  Those party days:

  one more for the beautiful table

  the extinction of breath in a sash.

  What looks and surprises!

  Nan on her bad legs

  resumes the filminess of petals

  and quotes blood pricks and blood stains

  faded to mauve and to white and to crisp

  brown drifts beneath bare sepals –

  look, they have washed out.

  Lambkin

  (a poem in mother dialect)

  That’s better, he says, he says

  that’s better.

  Dense slabs of braided-up lupins –

  someone’s embroidery – Nan,

  liking the blue,

  Oh you’re a tinker, that’s what you are,

  a little tinker, a tinker, that’s what you are.

  One more for the beautiful table

  with roses and handkerchiefs, seams

  on the web of fifty five-year-olds’ life-spans.

  Come on now, come on, come on now,

  come on, come on, come on now,
<
br />   new tough little stitches

  run on the torn

  wedding head-dresses.

  The children count them

  back to the far-off

  ghosts of their own conceptions.

  Oh you like that, I know, yes,

  you kick those legs, you kick them,

  you kick those fat legs then.

  Those party days

  one more for the beautiful table

  set out in the hall.

  You mustn’t have any tears, you’re my good boy

  aren’t you my little good boy.

  What looks and surprises!

  Nan on her bad legs

  resumes the filminess of petals,

  she’ll leave it to Carlie

  her bad spice.

  Let’s wipe those tears, let’s wipe off all those tears.

  That’s better, he says, he says

  that’s right.

  She quotes blood pricks and bloodstains

  faded to mauve and to white and to crisp

  brown drifts beneath bare sepals –

  look, they have washed out.

  The green recording light falters

  as if picking up voices

  it’s pure noise grain and nothing more human.

  It’s all right lambkin I’ve got you I’ve got you.

  Dublin 1971

  The grass looks different in another country.

  By a shade more or a shade less, it startles

  as love does in the sharply-tinged landscape

  of sixteen to eighteen. When it is burnt

  midsummer and lovers have learned to make love

  with scarcely a word said, then they see nothing

  but what is closest: an eyelash tonight,

  the slow spread of a sweat stain,

  the shoe-sole of the other as he walks off

  watched from the mattress.

  The top deck of the bus babbles with diplomats’

  children returning from school, their language

  an overcast August sky which can’t clear.

  Each syllable melting to static

  troubles the ears of strangers, no stranger

  but less sure than the stick-limbed children.

  With one silvery, tarnishing ring between them

  they walk barefoot past the Martello tower

  at Sandymount, and wish the sea clearer,

  the sun for once dazzling, fledged

  from its wet summer nest of cloud-strips.

  They make cakes of apple peel and arrowroot

  and hear the shrieks of bold, bad seven-year-old Seamus

  who holds the pavement till gone midnight

  for all his mother’s forlorn calling.

  The freedom of no one related for thousands of miles,

  the ferry forever going backward and forward

  from rain runnel to drain cover…

  The grass looks different in another country,

  sudden and fresh, waving, unfurling

  the last morning they see it, as they go down

  to grey Dún Laoghaire by taxi.

  They watch the slate rain coming in eastward

  pleating the sea not swum in,

  blotting the Ballsbridge house with its soft sheets

  put out in the air to sweeten.

  The hard-hearted husband

  ‘Has she gone then?’ they asked,

  stepping round the back of the house

  whose cat skulked in the grass.

  She’d left pegs dropped in the bean-row,

  and a mauve terrycloth babygrow

  stirred on the line as I passed.

  Her damsons were ripe and her sage was in flower,

  her roses tilted from last night’s downpour,

  her sweetpeas and sunflowers leaned anywhere.

  ‘She got sick of it, then,’ they guessed,

  and wondered if the torn-up paper

  might be worth reading, might be a letter.

  ‘It was the bills got her,’ they knew,

  seeing brown envelopes sheared with the white

  in a jar on the curtainless windowsill,

  some of them sealed still, as if she was through

  with trying to pay, and would sit, chilled,

  ruffling and arranging them like flowers

  in the long dusks while the kids slept upstairs.

  The plaster was thick with her shadows,

  damp and ready to show

  how she lived there and lay fallow

  and how she stood at her window

  and watched tall pylons stride down the slope

  sizzling faintly, stepping away

  as she now suddenly goes,

  too stubborn to be ghosted at thirty.

  She will not haunt here. She picks up her dirty

  warm children and takes them

  down to the gate which she lifts as it whines

  and sets going a thin cry in her.

  He was hard-hearted and no good to her

  they say now, grasping the chance to be kind.

  Malta

  The sea’s a featureless blaze.

  On photographs nothing comes out

  but glare, with that scarlet-rimmed fishing boat

  far-off, lost to the lens.

  At noon a stiff-legged tourist in shorts

  steps, camera poised. He’s stilted

  as a flamingo, pink-limbed.

  Icons of Malta gather around him.

  He sweats as a procession passes

  and women with church-dark faces

  brush him as if he were air.

  He holds a white crocheted dress

  to give to his twelve-year-old daughter

  who moons in the apartment, sun-sore.

  The sky’s tight as a drum, hard

  to breathe in, hard to walk under.

  He would not buy ‘bikini for daughter’

  though the man pressed him, with plump fingers

  spreading out scraps of blue cotton.

  Let her stay young, let her know nothing.

  Let her body remain skimpy and sudden.

  His wife builds arches of silence over her

  new breasts and packets of tampons marked ‘slender’.

  At nights, when they think she’s asleep,

  they ache in the same places

  but never louder than a whisper.

  He watches more women melt into a porch.

  Their white, still laundry flags from window to window

  while they are absent, their balconies blank.

  At six o’clock, when he comes home and snicks

  his key in the lock so softly neither will catch it

  he hears one of them laugh.

  They are secret in the kitchen, talking of nothing,

  strangers whom anyone might love.

  Candlemas

  Snowdrops, Mary’s tapers,

  barely alight in the grey shadows,

  Candlemas in a wet February,

  the soil clodded and frostless,

  the quick blue shadows of snowlight again missed.

  The church candles’ mass

  yellow as mothering bee cells,

  melts to soft puddles of wax,

  the snowdrops, with crisp ruffs

  and green spikes clearing the leaf debris

  are an unseen nebula

  caught by a swinging telescope,

  white tapers

  blooming in structureless dusk.

  Pilgrims

  Let us think that we are pilgrims

  in furs on this bleak water.

  The Titanic’s lamps hang on its sides like fruit

  on lit cliffs. We’re shriven for rescue.

  The sea snaps at our caulking.

  We bend to our oars and praise God

  and flex our fingers to bring

  a drowned child out from the tarpaulin.

  We’re neither mothers nor fathers, but children,

 
fearful and full of trust,

  lamblike as the Titanic goes down

  entombing its witnesses.

  We row on in a state of grace

  in our half-empty lifeboats, sailing

  westward for America, pilgrims,

  numb to the summer-like choir

  of fifteen hundred companions.

  An Irish miner in Staffordshire

  On smooth buttercup fields

  the potholers sink down like dreams

  close to Roman lead-mining country.

  I sink the leafless shaft of an hydrangea twig

  down through the slippy spaces I’ve made for it.

  Dusted with hormone powder, moist,

  its fibrous stem splays into root.

  I graze the soft touches of compost

  and wash them off easily, balled

  under the thumb – clean dirt.

  There’s the man who gave me my Irish name

  still going down, wifeless, that miner

  who shafted the narrow cuffs of the earth

  as if it was this he came for.

 

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