Counting Backwards

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Counting Backwards Page 24

by Helen Dunmore


  FROM

  The Sea Skater

  (1986)

  For Francis, Ollie and Patrick

  The bride’s nights in a strange village

  At three in the morning

  while mist limps between houses

  while cloaks and blankets

  dampen with dew

  the bride sleeps with her husband

  bundled in a red blanket,

  her mouth parts and a bubble

  of sour breathing goes free.

  She humps wool up to her ears

  while her husband tightens his arms

  and rocks her, mumbling. Neither awakes.

  In the second month of the marriage

  the bride wakes after midnight.

  Damp-bodied

  she lunges from sleep

  hair pricking with sweat

  breath knocking her sides.

  She eels from her husband’s grip

  and crouches, listening.

  The night is enlarged by sounds.

  The rain has started.

  It threshes leaves secretively

  and there in the blackness

  of whining dogs it finds out the house.

  Its hiss enfolds her, blots up

  her skin, then sifts off, whispering

  in her like mirrors

  the length of the rainy village.

  Lazarus

  Dumb, his lips swathed,

  lips peaceful and dry

  out of the swash and backwash of speech,

  his face bound with a napkin,

  his arms and his legs with gravecloths

  in glistening daylight,

  in dumbness, silky as flints

  packed into chalk cliffs.

  The age of the iron man

  finished, the age of the stone

  still blooming. Here are the avenues,

  peaceful avenues with stone petals.

  Here is a red-veined marble, and there

  the white Carrara with black tracing

  and all the messages, the pollen

  on which passersby hang, bee-like,

  words joined onto words.

  Dumb, his lips sealed

  with mouth-to-mouth breathing,

  he abhors earth music:

  the midday, dwindling

  shadow of requiems.

  A life-size statue of limestone,

  scaly and worn over nostril

  and lip-arches,

  with yellow lichen and snails

  poured into his eyes.

  Liquid oboe pulsations

  trail him, but dumbly

  he pedals his stone body onward

  past stab after word-covered slab

  towards the expressionless sea he loves best,

  to Bethsaida from Bethany.

  Christmas roses

  I remember years ago, that we had Christmas roses:

  cold, greeny things under the snow –

  fantastic hellebores, harbingers

  of the century’s worst winter.

  On little fields stitched over with drystone

  we broke snow curds, our sledge

  tossing us out at the wall.

  For twelve years a plateau of sea

  stopped at my parents’ window.

  Here the slow Flatholm foghorn

  sucking at the house fabric

  recalls my little month-old brother,

  kept in the house for weeks

  while those snow days piled up like plates

  to an impossible tower.

  They were building the match factory

  to serve moors seeded with conifers

  that year of the Bay of Pigs,

  the year of Cuba, when adults muttered

  of taking to the moors with a shotgun

  when the bomb dropped.

  Such conversation, rapaciously

  stored in a nine-year-old’s memory

  breeds when I stare down Bridgwater Bay

  to that glassy CEGB elegance, Hinkley

  Point, treating the landscape like snow,

  melting down marshes and long, lost

  muddy horizons.

  Fir thickets replace those cushions

  of scratchy heather, and prick out the noise

  of larks in the air, so constant

  I never knew what it was.

  Little hellebores with green veins,

  not at all tender, and scentless

  on frosty ground, with your own small

  melt, your engine of growth:

  that was the way I liked you.

  I imagine you sent back from Africa

  I imagine you sent back from Africa

  leaving a patchwork of rust and khaki

  sand silt in your tea and your blood.

  The metal of tanks and cans

  puckers your taste-buds.

  Your tongue jumps from the touch

  of charge left in a dying battery.

  You spread your cards in the shade

  of roving lorries whose canvas

  tents twenty soldiers.

  The greased cards patter

  in chosen spaces.

  I imagine you sent back from Africa

  with a tin mug kept for the bullet hole

  in at one angle and out another.

  You mount the train at the port

  asking if anywhere on earth

  offers such grey, mild people.

  Someone draws down the blind.

  You see his buttons, his wrist,

  his teeth filled to the roots.

  He weakens the sunlight for you

  and keeps watch on your face.

  Your day sinks in a hollow of sleep

  racket and megaphoned voices.

  The troop-ship booms once. Laden

  with new men she moves down the Sound

  low in the water, egg-carrying.

  But for you daylight

  with your relieved breath

  supping up train dirt.

  A jolt is a rescue from sleep

  and a glaze of filth from the arm-rest

  patches your cheek. You try to catch voices

  calling out stations closer to home.

  The knight

  In the dusk of a forest chapel

  a knight lies bleeding.

  The edges of his wound are rawly

  exhausted by blood chafing

  but still the blood gathers and wells.

  At first he lay with his arms folded

  waiting for his brother officers

  his dog curled at his feet,

  but soon the dog with a whimper

  made off, tearing its fur,

  and soon the knight, moaning,

  tried to cuddle into a foetal position

  but the terrible wound prevented him.

  His armour has become a bandage

  as stiff as the casing of a chrysalis.

  His face no longer has the strength for amazement.

  The knight cries for his mother

  in the dark of a forest chapel.

  He wants the smell of her

  and of all living things

  which are not bleeding.

  The scent and hissing of pine needles

  make him believe he’s in a hospital

  where nurses pass by him.

  He is afraid of falling

  and of the stone floor under him.

  In the dusk of a forest chapel

  a knight lies bleeding.

  In search of comfort

  he turns to the warmer

  grain of the wooden

  bench he lies on

  and licks its salty

  whorls with his tongue.

  In memoriam Cyril Smith 1913-1945

  I’ve approached him since childhood,

  since he was old, blurred,

  my stake in the playground chants

  and war games,

  a word like ‘brother’

  mixed
with a death story.

  Wearing shorts and a smile

  he stayed in the photograph box.

  His hair was receding early.

  He had Grandpa’s long lip and my mother’s love.

  The jungle obliterates a city

  of cries and murmurs,

  bloody discharges

  and unsent telegrams.

  Now he is immanent

  breaking off thoughts

  printing that roll of film

  one sweaty evening,

  Four decades

  have raised a thicket of deaths around him

  a fence of thorn and a fence of roses.

  His mother, my grandmother,

  his father, his brother,

  his camp companions

  his one postcard.

  The circle closes

  in skin, limbs

  and new resemblances.

  We wanted to bring him

  through life with us

  but he grows younger.

  We’ve passed him

  holding out arms.

  The parachute packers

  The parachute packers with white faces

  swathed over with sleep

  and the stale bodily smell of sheets

  make haste to tin huts where a twelve-hour

  shift starts in ten minutes.

  Their bare legs pump bicycle pedals,

  they clatter on wooden-soled sandals

  into the dazzling light over the work benches.

  They rub in today’s issue of hand-cream.

  Their fingers skim on the silk

  as the unwieldy billows of parachute flatten

  like sea-waves, oiled, folded in sevens.

  The only silk to be had

  comes in a military packaging:

  dull-green, printed, discreet,

  gone into fashioning parachutes

  to be wondered at like the flowers’

  down-spinning, seed-bearing canopies

  lodged in the silt of village memory.

  A girl pulling swedes in a field

  senses the shadow of parachutes

  and gapes up, knees braced

  and hair tangling. She must be riddled,

  her warm juices all spilled

  for looking upwards too early

  into the dawn, leafy with parachutes.

  Heavenly wide canopies

  bring down stolid chaps with their rifle butts

  ready to crack, with papers

  to govern the upturned land,

  with boots, barbed wire and lists on fine paper

  thousands of names long.

  I look up now at two seagulls,

  at cloud drifts and a lamp-post

  bent like a feeding swan,

  and at the sound of needles

  seaming up parachutes in Nissen huts

  with a hiss and pull through the stuff

  of these celestial ball-dresses

  for nuns, agents, snow-on-the-boots men

  sewn into a flower’s corolla

  to the music of Workers’ Playtime.

  At dusk the parachute packers

  release their hair from its nets

  and ride down lanes whitened by cow-parsley

  to village halls, where the dances

  and beer and the first cigarettes

  expunge the clouds of parachute silk

  and rules touching their hair and flesh.

  In the bar they’re the girls who pack parachutes

  for our boys. They can forget

  the coughs of the guard on duty,

  the boredom and long hours

  and half-heard cries of caught parachutists.

  Porpoise washed up on the beach

  After midday the great lazy

  slaps of the sea,

  the whistling of a boy who likes the empty

  hour while the beach is feeding,

  the cliffs vacant, gulls untidily drowsing

  far out on the water.

  I walked on in the dazzle

  round to the next cove

  where the sea was running backwards like mercury

  from people busy at cutting

  windows in the side of a beached porpoise.

  The creature had died recently.

  Naturally its blood was mammalian,

  its skin supple and tough; it made me

  instantly think of uses for it –

  shoe soling, sealing the hulls of boats –

  something to explain the intent knives

  and people swiftly looking at me.

  But there was no mussel harvest on the rocks

  or boat blinding through noon

  out to the crab pots,

  not here but elsewhere the settled

  stupor of digestion went on.

  The porpoise had brought the boys between fourteen and eighteen,

  lengthened their lives by a burning

  profitless noon-time,

  so they cut windows out of surprise

  or idleness, finding the thing here

  like a blank wall, inviting them.

  They jumped from its body, prodded it,

  looked in its mouth and its eyes,

  hauled up its tail like a child’s drawing

  and became serious.

  Each had the use of the knife in turn

  and paused over the usual graffiti

  to test words first with a knife-point

  and fit the grey boulder of flesh under them.

  Clapping their wings the gulls came back from the sea,

  the pink screens of the hotel opened,

  the last boy scoured the knife with sand.

  I walked back along the shingle

  breathing away the bloody trail of the porpoise

  and saw the boys’ wet heads glittering,

  their hooting, diving

  bodies sweeping them out of the bay.

  In deep water

  For three years I’ve been wary of deep water.

  I busied myself on the shore

  towelling, handing out underwear

  wading the baby knee-high.

  I didn’t think I had forgotten

  how to play in the deep water,

  but it was only today I went there

  passing the paddle boats and bathers,

  the parallel harbour wall,

  until there was no one at all but me

  rolling through the cold water

  and scarcely bothering to swim

  from pure buoyancy.

  Of course I could still see them:

  the red and the orange armbands,

  the man smiling and pointing seawards,

  the tender faces.

  It’s these faces that have taken me

  out of the deep water

  and made my face clench like my mother’s

  once, as I pranced on a ten-foot

  wall over a glass-house.

  The water remembers my body,

  stretched and paler as it is.

  Down there is my old reflection

  spread-eagled, steadily moving.

  Lady Macduff and the primroses

  Now the snowdrop, the wood-anemone, the crocus

  have flowered

  and faded back to dry, scarcely-seen threads,

  Lady Macduff goes down to the meadow

  where primrose flowers are thickening.

  Her maid told her this morning, It’s time

  to pick them now, there will never be more

  without some dying.

  Even the kitchen girls, spared for an hour,

  come to pick flowers for wine.

  The children’s nurse has never seemed to grasp

  that she only need lay down the flowers loosely,

  the flat-bottomed baskets soon fill

  with yellow, chill primroses covered by sturdy leaves,

  but the nurse will weave posies

  even though the children are impati
ent

  and only care who is first, has most

  of their mother’s quick smile.

  Pasties have been brought from the castle.

  Savoury juices spill from their ornate crusts,

  white cloths are smeared with venison gravy

  and all eat hungrily

  out in the spring wind.

  Lady Macduff looks round at the sparkling

  sharpness of grass, whipped kerchiefs and castle battlements

  edged with green light

  and the primroses like a fall

  colder than rain, warmer than snow,

  petals quite still, hairy stems helplessly curling.

  She thinks how they will be drunk

  as yellow wine, swallow by swallow

  filling the pauses of mid-winter,

  sweet to raw throats.

  Mary Shelley

  No living poet ever arrived at the fulness of his fame; the jury which sits in judgement upon a poet, belonging as he does to all time, must be composed of his peers.

  PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY

 

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