Just Wanted to Learn

by William Swafford

  “I’m not gay,” Brian said.

  “I’m going to beat your ass,” my dad said.

  Brian had stood up. My dad could barely stay up. He was swaying side to side. There was more yelling and then Brian walked away.

  “What you going to do?” my dad said.

  Brian just stood there. He must have thought that he was scaring my dad.

  Brian had left the campground. He had left in a hurry. My brother had gone with him. I stayed with my dad.

  It took forever to follow my dad back to his area. He was stumbling all over the place. Sometimes I didn’t know what direction he was headed in. I was glad that no one had come out of their campers.

  Things didn’t stop when we got to my dad’s spot. Blue and red lights were heading our way. Brian had called the Sheriff’s department.

  My dad was still going off about the whole situation. He kept saying he should have beaten his ass. I didn’t know what I was going to do when he got arrested.

  It was a male and female sheriff’s deputies that showed up. They tried to get my dad’s side of the story. They had a hard time getting him to calm down.

  When the joints popped out of his cigarette pack, I waited for the handcuffs to come out. The male sheriff deputy pushed the joints back down in the cigarette pack. They told him to lie down and sleep it off.

  I just stood there and watched it all. The deputies didn’t even say anything to me. I didn’t have anything to say anyways.

  After the deputies left, my dad went to the tent to sleep. I lay across the front seat of the truck. I didn’t get much sleep that night.

  My dad had sobered up a little bit the next morning. It wasn’t long before he started drinking again.

  He had gone to the guy’s camper in the morning. He was trying to get the guy to play and drink with him. The guy had thought it was too early, but my dad didn’t give up for awhile.

  I just sat there and watched. I didn’t know what to think about how my dad was acting since the night before.

  After about an hour, my dad had let the guy in peace. My dad went back to his tent. I had gone walking around the campground.

  I walked around the lake. Then I ran into Sandy.

  We walked the gravel road through the woods. We didn’t talk much while we walked. I have always been shy and never talked much.

  After walking through the woods, she went back to her family’s camper. I went back to where my dad was staying. That’s when things got bad again.

  When I got close to my dad’s spot, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My dad was throwing everything in the truck. The campground owner was yelling at my dad.

  “What were you thinking, Harold?” the owner yelled. “You got to leave now!”

  “I didn’t do anything,” my dad said.

  The campground owner was accusing my dad of being so drunk the he was peeing on the side of the road in front of kids and everyone. He was upset about the sheriff’s being there the night before for my dad also. He was kicking my dad out of the campground for good.

  I could understand why he was made to leave, but I couldn’t understand something else. They said that he was so drunk that he would do something like that, but they thought it was alright to let him drive off with me in the truck.

  It was a long drive back to town. He wouldn’t shut up.

  “I didn’t do what he said I did,” my dad said. “Fuck him.”

  He kept repeating himself over and over. I stared out the window trying to block his words out.

  The weekend didn’t go over well with my mom. I didn’t get to see my dad for awhile.

  I did see Brian one more time after that. He wanted his acoustic guitar back. He said that I could have his red electric guitar.

  I made the trade even though I didn’t want to. I didn’t talk to him anymore after that. He left my family alone.

  Chapter Nine

  I had turned fifteen and had started my freshmen year in high school in fall of 1993. I kept to myself mostly. There were a few people I talked to when I went across the street to smoke.

  I thought that I was getting better at the guitar. I was getting better than what I started off, but I wasn’t as good as I thought. I had made the mistake of trying to play the guitar in front of my class.

  I had never played in front of a crowd before. I had tried to play in front of family. Nobody had made fun of me, but they didn’t act like they cared.

  There was some assignment in my second period English class. I had decided to take my guitar in and play in front of the class. I don’t know what put this idea into my head. The only thing I can think of was that I didn’t want to have to speak in front of the class.

  I couldn’t take in the red electric and amp, or the garage sale acoustic that my dad had bought me. I had to take in the black electric with the built in amp. I didn’t like how the guitar sounded any longer.

  There wasn’t much thought put into the song choice. I just choose one that I had been practicing on.

  I was really nervous standing up in front of the class. A girl that I really liked sat in the front row and I couldn’t even look her way. There was no way I was going to sing in front of them, I just played guitar.

  I didn’t sound good playing through the built in amp. I was shaking with embarrassment, but I fought through to the end of the song. It couldn’t end fast enough.

  I was thankful that everyone was respectful enough not to laugh at me. Nobody had ever said one bad thing to me about it. I was still embarrassed.

  I had left the guitar in the classroom till the end of the day. I didn’t want anyone to know that it was my guitar and what I had attempted to do. I tried to wait till everyone else left that way I wouldn’t be seen carrying it down the street.

  That was about the time when I found out other kids in school played and they were actually good. That’s also when I found out that I wasn’t near as good of a guitar player as I thought I was.

  I wasn’t a popular kid in school, but I wasn’t bullied either. I had only one bully and that was my brother. I had gone unnoticed through school.

  I had played football in junior high and some wrestling. I started to go out for the high school team, but choose the wrong path. It seemed that cigarettes and weed had already become more important.

  I started dressing in all black. Everyone thought it was because I was trying to get into the dark or something, but it was just the color that suited me.

  Lee had started hanging out more with his friends. I would hang out with them sometimes if they let me. It seemed like we were always running into some kind of trouble.

  I would walk around town sometimes. I would walk the whole town and see who else was out walking around. Someone would always be out cruising around. There were other kids my age that would walk the town. I didn’t just sit in my room and play video game, but I did spend the rest of the time at home in my room.

  I would put something down to cover the bottom of the door and then spray something in the air. Then I would get high. I would spend hours a night listening to music and playing guitar.

  I just kept running into the same problem. I wasn’t able to keep on learning. I couldn’t teach myself, because I didn’t know what to teach myself. I knew what I wanted to learn, but didn’t even know where to start.

  Listening to the radio and trying to play along was getting nowhere. I had seen my dad just listen to a song and then know how to play it. I couldn’t get myself to sound close to what I heard.

  I needed help but wasn’t getting it. I just kept practicing what I did know.

  My dad ended up forming a band with Nick. The guy he had met at the campgrounds. I didn’t know that they had kept in touch. They had found two other guys to be in the band.

  One of the guys name was Bob. I had known of the guy because he lived across the alley from my mom’s mom. He was skinny and cleaned shaved w
ith long hair. He was a very hyper guy.

  Bob had a very small garage and tried to have his band practice in there. No one could believe that they all could fit in the small garage. Everyone could always hear them playing.

  My dad had even tried to record some songs in there. The recording wasn’t the best.

  Bob was playing the newer alternative music. He wasn’t the same type of rocker as my dad. He didn’t even want to play in their band.

  He was forced to play bass guitar, which he didn’t want to do. He got bored playing the older music.

  He still played with the band. He just wanted to play music and get paid for it.

  They also brought in a guy named Steven to play the drums. I was always told that Steven and my dad had played together before I was born.

  They formed the Loose Chains Band. They were to play at the American League on the outside of town. This is the first time that I got to see my dad play in a band. I was excited about it.

  My brother and I was the first to show up with a couple of my brother’s friends. My brother and his friends had just shown up and planned on leaving. They wanted to go out and get high.

  My sister showed up with a couple of her friends. They had plans of their own.

  There weren’t many people there. There was a few of my dad’s friends. Nick’s and Bob’s wife and girlfriend was there, and then my dad’s brother.

  They sounded good when they were playing. They played a lot of the oldies and classic rock.

  My dad was trying to show off in front of us, but it was embarrassing. He played lead guitar and vocals. He was good but was trying too hard to show off.

  When the band took a break, my brother and sister was going to leave. They did get Steven and my dad to play Wipe Out before they left.

  They did great. Everyone got a kick out of Steven breaking a drum stick at the end. I forgot who was given the drum stick.

  After my brother and sister left, I had stayed and listened to the band. I sat at a table alone. There were plenty of empty seats. They were down to only ten people.

  As the night went on, my dad started getting drunk. When the show was over, my dad had gotten upset.

  “Where is everyone?” He kept repeating. “We told everyone.”

  They had told a lot of people about the night, but nobody that they told showed up. My dad’s friends tried to calm him down.

  I didn’t understand why he was upset. They had sounded good the whole night. I had wished that I was up there playing with them.

  I sat in my seat watching the scene that my dad was making. I was glad that my brother’s and sister’s friends weren’t here to see it.

  My brother and sister never found out about how the night had ended. I didn’t see my dad much after that for a while.

  I had never spent much time hanging out with my sister. She actually went to church with her friends. My brother and I went out to get high with ours.

  Lee and I had started hanging out a little with our cousin and uncle from my mom’s side of the family. They didn’t smoke weed, but they liked to get drunk. This was a surprise to me.

  Lee, our cousin, and our uncle had found out that my sister’s friends drink. My cousin and uncle wanted to try and get with my sister’s friends. We all ended up at my sister’s friend Melissa’s house.

  Melissa lived with her parents across town in a nice. She went to church with my sister and her friend. Her parents weren’t home.

  She was older than everyone except for my uncle. She was a big boned girl. She seemed a little wilder than my sister’s other friend who was really quiet person.

  We were all drinking except for my sister. They told me that my sister did drink, but not much. I had never seen my sister drink or smoke a cigarette.

  Her friends didn’t drink like my cousin and uncle who were making fools out of themselves. They were bored so they were getting loud. They were also upset because they knew my sister’s friends didn’t like them enough to fool around with them.

  I had tried vodka and orange juice for the first time. I didn’t like the taste of it. I had a little too much to drink.

  There wasn’t much that happened that night. I did get drunk and tell my sister that I loved her. Then I passed out.

  I woke up the next morning before anyone else was awake. I didn’t want to wait for my cousin to wake up for a ride. I felt like crap so I walked home.

  It was a long walk with the sun shinny. The sunshine made my hangover intense. It took almost thirty minutes to walk home.

  Chapter Ten

  November 2nd of 93 was a bad day for my family. Nobody had expected things to go wrong when we all got up and got ready for our days. How could anyone expect one of these days for their families?

  My mom woke me up and I got ready for school as usual. I had done my normal routine to get ready. Then I had gotten into an argument with me sister before leaving the house.

  I can’t remember what had started the argument. I do remember how it ended.

  “I hate you!” I said before slamming the door shut behind me.

  I had gone to school and it had started as it normally did. I stood across the street and smoked before going in.

  First period at school was alright because I had art, then it got to second period. I was sitting in English class when I was called down to the assistant principal’s office.

  I left the classroom thinking that I had done something wrong. I kept trying to think of what I could have possibly done. Then I ran into my brother who was heading to the same place.

  The assistant principal was short and bald, and then a little heavy set. He was a nice man.

  “I got to take you boys to see your mom.” He acted as though he was in a hurry. “Your sister has been in an accident.”

  We went out of the school building and headed to his small Toyota truck. The three of us squeezed into the front seat of the tiny truck and I was lucky enough to get by the door. Then we headed to where my mom worked.

  He pulled in the parking lot and parked. I opened the door and got out.

  He stopped us before we could get to the door of the building. There was something wrong.

  “I have to tell the two of you something,” he said. “Samantha didn’t make it through the accident.”

  My brother and I didn’t say a word. His words didn’t really hit me at first. It didn’t seem real.

  Over whelmed with shock, we went in to find our mom. My stepdad had come to pick us all up.

  We had left my mom’s work and were heading to my grandma’s house. We had seen our dad pull into a gas station on our way.

  When we pulled into the gas station, my brother and I got out. We ran up and hugged our dad.

  I never found out what my dad was doing that day or where he had been heading. It didn’t matter from that point. My dad had found out his daughter had died as he was getting ready to pump his gas.

  My brother and I got back in with my mom, and then we went to my grandma’s. My dad was left alone at the gas station to try to figure what just happened. I always wonder how he even got out of the gas station.

  The next few days were a mess. Everyone was in a state of shock. I really didn’t know how to feel. I felt alone.

  There wasn’t anyone for me to talk to. My mom was in no condition to take care of Lee and me. Lee was always off with his friends.

  If I would say something to someone, then they would just say that it be alright. The “it’ll be alright” line doesn’t comfort as much as one might think.

  I didn’t play guitar at all. The mood or motivation just wasn’t there. I spent a lot of time in my room.

  I was lying in my bed the day after. I was in my bedroom alone. My brother was out with his friends.

  People had come over to see my mom. They were all out in the living room.

  I had fallen asleep. I was asleep for only a moment. Then some
one had slapped the bed by my leg.

  I got up and ran out into the living room. I looked around at everyone that was there.

  “Who was in my room?” I asked.

  I looked around at everyone. I wanted to know who was messing with me.

  The people in the living room just looked at me. They all had said that there wasn’t anyone in my room.

  I went back to my room still thinking that someone was messing with me. It felt like someone had slapped the bed and their hand brushed my leg when they did it.

  It was something my brother would have done. I didn’t even hear the door open or close.

  I didn’t want to be in the room alone anymore, but I couldn’t go back out to the living room. There wasn’t any way that I could talk to anyone about it.

  My dad had stayed drunk. He had come over the house. He was so drunk that he was outside punching and kicking his truck.

  He had to leave. His truck stayed there over night.

  My dad had always told me that he walked the section of interstate that my sister had died on. He was staying in a motel in a town that the off ramp leads to. I don’t know if he really did or not, but I know that I did.

  I was at my Grandma Michaels’ house. My uncle had stopped by. I had overheard the conversation that he was having with my grandma.

  My sister’s necklace was never found. It had a picture of her and my mom on it. My mom had wanted my sister buried with it.

  My uncle was going to go look for it. He was also going to try to get my sister’s book bag.

  I had met my uncle outside as he was leaving. I had talked him into letting me go with him.

  The ride wasn’t quite, because my uncle was a talker. I didn’t say much. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I just sat looking out the window.

  It was dark when we got there. We walked a small part of the interstate. I seen the tire marks and broken glass. The car went front first into the embankment of the off ramp.

  We looked around the best that we could. We couldn’t disturb the interstate traffic.

  We didn’t find the necklace. That wasn’t our only stop of the night. We went to the auto shop that the car had been taking too.

  The owner of the place had let us gone up to the car. The car was destroyed. The windows had been busted out. There was blood and hair on the pieces of glass that still was hanging.