Off the Record

by Camryn Garrett

  “What if I have plans tomorrow?” I settle on.

  Penny shrugs. “Then you have plans.”

  My shoulders relax, but only by a fraction.

  “You don’t have to come,” she continues, pulling out her phone. “But the offer’s there, if you want. Let me give you my number, just in case. You’re here for the long haul, right? The whole tour?”

  The door opens and a stone-faced Louise steps back inside.

  “Fifteen minutes,” she says.

  I barely register her words. I can’t stop staring at Penny, who grabs one of my pens, leans over, and writes a phone number in my notebook. A few days ago, I thought she hated me. I’m not sure if she still does—or if she ever did.

  “Josie?”

  I blink. Penny is sitting back in her chair, looking at me expectantly.

  “Yeah,” I say, flipping my notebook to a new page. “I’m here for the long haul.”

  @JosieTheJournalist: am i…a cool kid?

  Alice and I have barely gotten settled into our Chicago hotel on Friday night when there’s a knock at the door.

  “Alice?” I say. “Did you invite any of the interns over?”

  It’s sort of a joke, but she just shrugs.

  “Not yet,” she says. “We were supposed to find a cool bar that doesn’t card to hang out in, but that’s for later tonight. Maybe one of your friends?”

  I almost fire back that I don’t have any friends, at least not here.

  Another knock. I sigh and shove my suitcase out of the way before heading to the door. I don’t know what I’m expecting, but it’s not Penny and Marius standing out in the hallway, bundled up in jackets, hats, and gloves.

  “Hey,” Penny says, holding her hand up in greeting. “You ready to go?”

  I blink. Marius smiles, his shoulders up close to his ears.

  “Hi, Josie,” he says. “Look, I wanted to apologize about—”

  “Ew, stop that,” Penny says, smacking his shoulder. “You can do that once we get her out. And you are coming out, right?”

  “Oh,” I say, looking back into the room. Alice is spread out on her bed, texting someone. “Yeah, I just, uh, thought you would’ve forgotten about me.”

  “I’m pretty sure that was directed at you,” Penny says, glancing at Marius. He frowns.

  “No,” I say. God, why does she have to be like this? “No, I just— Forget it. Um, let me grab my bag, I guess.”

  “And a jacket,” Marius calls. “It’s pretty cold.”

  I get a jacket, then head out the door.

  Despite the cold, it’s beautiful as we walk around downtown Chicago. I just sort of wish we’d find somewhere to sit—somewhere warm—instead of hanging out on the sidewalk. Still, the air feels cleaner. Like I can take a deep breath.

  “So,” Marius says after we’ve been walking for a few minutes. “Am I allowed to apologize now?”

  I glance at Penny and she shrugs.

  “I don’t know,” she says. “I guess it’s up to Josie now.”

  “Sure you can,” I say. “But I’d kind of like to know where we’re going first.”

  “Oh!” Marius looks down at his phone. “I figured we could go to the Bean—you know, that big steel sculpture?”

  “Now?”

  I’d normally be embarrassed at how I’m acting, and there is a part of me that wonders if I seem too much like a baby, but it’s too cold for me to care. I can see my breath coming out in little puffs in front of me. That’s not…natural.

  “He’s just being annoying,” Penny says. She’s wearing a knitted hat and scarf and looks like she stepped out of a J.Crew catalog. “We’re looking for—or supposed to be looking for—this deep-dish place. Marius, did you get us lost again?”

  “It was one time, Penny—”

  I giggle, despite myself. Marius stops and looks at me. His cheeks are pink, probably from the cold. He grins back.

  “Just a few more minutes,” he says. “It’s probably a tourist trap.”

  “Probably,” Penny agrees. “But pizza is pizza, right?”

  She’s wrong. I thought this place would be dingy and dirty and sort of charming, but it looks like it was just built, with nice beige columns and sleek black furniture. I see some of the people sitting around and realize I’ve never seen pizza like this. It looks like one of the pies we ate at Thanksgiving, except it’s filled with tomato sauce.

  Marius asks for a table for three in the dining room, which again totally wasn’t what I expected. At home, the pizza places are in shopping centers and have wooden tables that look like they were bought at garage sales. There’s no dining room, at least not a real one. Not only does this place have table service, there’s a gigantic menu, with sandwiches and starters or whatever, all super expensive. My five hundred dollars has already dwindled to three hundred and we’re not even halfway through the tour. Isn’t pizza supposed to be cheap?

  Penny browses the menu for a second, but Marius doesn’t open his. When the waiter comes back, he just flashes this pretty grin and asks for “Whatever you recommend” in such a flattering way that even I want to blush.

  “So,” Marius says as soon as the waiter leaves. “I want to apologize. Seriously, this time, even if Penny doesn’t want me to.”

  Penny rolls her eyes, sipping her water.

  “I told you about the movie I’m doing next,” he says, placing his hands on the table. “Roy—he expects a lot from his actors. I’ve been working and rehearsing via video chat and—well, it’s not your problem. I just wanted you to know that I would never blow you off on purpose. I overslept, and when I woke up, I had a dozen calls from Penny, and I felt horrible.”

  I bite my lip. I feel uncomfortable and I don’t know why. Maybe I should ask more about the Roy Lennox movie he’s doing. Is it normal to be doing a press tour and rehearsals at the same time? How does that even work?

  “Are you having a hard time?” I ask, tugging at my jacket strings. “Like, feeling, um, overwhelmed? Do you think you could talk to him about it?”

  Penny makes a face down at the table. I make another mental note to ask her about this, if I can ever get any time alone with her. It could be as simple as her not liking Lennox’s movies, but still, with that documentary coming out about his career, maybe I can find a way to tie it into the profile.

  “No.” Marius’s eyes go wide. “No, no, of course not. It’s, like, absolutely the biggest honor.”

  I don’t have a notebook or a recorder out, but I’m already trying to remember everything about this, like how he looks super surprised and maybe freaked out. Like how he didn’t really answer my question. Like how Penny isn’t saying anything.

  “Here we go,” the waiter says, appearing with a gigantic deep-dish pizza. “Enjoy! I’ll be back to know what you think.”

  Marius smiles back, but not in the same way he did before. I feel like I messed something up, and I’m not sure how to make things go back to normal.

  “Anyway,” Penny says, “Josie, Marius told me you’re still in high school. That’s incredible.”

  Um. That I’m in high school? Or that I’m in high school and I’m here?

  “Yeah,” I say, trying my best to figure out how to eat this pizza. “We do this big capstone project before graduation, so this is mine. It’s supposed to look good for colleges.”

  Penny nods, like she understands the whole college thing, even though she never went.

  “Where do you want to go?” Marius asks. There’s tomato sauce on his mouth. I glance down at my own plate. Eating around other people makes me feel weird.

  “Spelman,” I say. “It’s this all-girls school for—”

  “Yeah, I know about it,” Marius says, wiping his mouth. “Wow, how cool.”

  “Yeah.”

&n
bsp; Penny and Marius glance at each other, but I don’t know what it means. I eat more of my pizza (which is actually pretty good).

  “Did you have some questions you wanted to ask?” Penny asks after a few minutes. “For, you know, your story?”

  Oh. I do have questions, but I’m not sure what this is—if it’s a hangout or an interview or if I should be asking questions here. I already asked Marius something, and it seemed like he didn’t want to answer. And what will it be like to ask them both questions at the same time?

  “Um,” I say. “Well, just, um, how are the press junkets? On your end, anyway.”

  “Oh,” Marius says. I can’t exactly tell, but he looks…relieved, I think. “It’s sort of—”

  “The worst,” Penny cuts in. “It never stops.”

  I wipe my hands on a napkin and start writing in shorthand.

  “Geez, Penny.” Marius does this smile where he hides his lips. “You know she’s going to print this, right?”

  “It’s okay,” Penny says. “Everyone knows it’s true. The studio wants you to act all excited and remember talking points and be on all the time. That’s why your question after the screening threw Marius off.”

  My head snaps up. Marius’s cheeks are red again.

  “You didn’t screw anything up,” he says, leaning closer to me. “Seriously.”

  “Dennis just got irritated,” Penny says, shaking her head. “Like asking why you had to bring race into it when it wasn’t even a story about race and stuff like that.”

  My stomach sinks. I don’t think I asked anything wrong, but I don’t want the director to hate me.

  “I—I didn’t mean to, like, start anything,” I say. “It was just something I thought about when I watched the movie.”

  “Of course,” Marius says. “You and every other Black person. There’s nothing wrong with what you said. Dennis was just being ridiculous.”

  I glance at my napkin. I’m writing everything down, but I’m not sure how much of this I should include in the story. Am I writing a puff piece or something about real issues? It’s hard to tell.

  “Press junkets can be hard,” Marius adds after a second. “The faces and the questions—it all starts to blur together. So that’s why I remembered you. And your question.”

  I sneak a glance up. He’s smiling, soft. I lift the corners of my mouth.

  “It can be easy to get lonely, too,” Penny adds. “That’s one of the worst parts.”

  I try not to let my surprise show. It’s pretty hard to picture her being lonely. Maybe that’s why she and Marius seem to be friends.

  “Well, we don’t have to be lonely anymore,” Marius says, drumming lightly against the table. “Josie’s here, and now she’s part of our little club, right?”

  “Uh,” I say. “What club?”

  “The Lonely Hearts Club,” Penny deadpans. “Only emotionally stunted teen prodigies allowed.”

  “Yeah, exactly.” Marius makes a face. “Well, not exactly. I don’t know about that emotionally stunted part—”

  “No,” I say. “It actually fits me perfectly.”

  Penny laughs, leaning over her plate. Her elbow starts to nudge Marius, who stares at me with a soft, open mouth.

  “See,” she says. “I told you.”

  It’s weird to think of Penny telling him anything about me. I take another bite of pizza.

  “Right.” Marius clears his throat and lifts up his water glass. “To emotionally stunted teen prodigies.”

  As I clink my glass against his and Penny’s, I can’t help but smile.

  @JosieTheJournalist: wow, men are terrifying

  “Is there anyone else from the cast you’re planning on talking to?”

  It’s the next day, and Penny and I are in an empty Chicago hotel conference room for a one-on-one interview, sitting across from each other at a gigantic wooden table.

  “I spoke to Art and Dennis back in Texas,” I say. “And I sent an email to the screenwriter and one of the producers—uh, Bob something? His answer was pretty helpful.”

  “Okay,” Penny says, counting on her fingers. “So Marius and me. You should probably talk to Grace—she’s great. And maybe some of the other people who played characters at the conversion camp—they aren’t here, but I’m sure you could call them or something.”

  I hurry to write this down. It’s a great idea that I honestly didn’t think of.

  “That’s really smart,” I say, nodding as I write. “And I think maybe I’ll talk to Roy Lennox, if he’ll answer me. It’s a long shot, but he’s around promoting the documentary about his career, so he might be nicer than he’s known to be.”

  Penny’s face looks pinched. I wait for her to say something, but she’s gone silent, staring at the table in between the two of us.

  “What?” I want to sound lighthearted, but it’s hard on a normal day, let alone when someone seems to deflate right in front of me. “I— This might sound a little weird. But I noticed you don’t seem to be a fan of his.”

  “I—” Her eyes dart around the room, even though we’re the only ones in here. “Just don’t talk to him, Josie. Promise me you won’t talk to him. Okay? Stay away from him.”

  “I don’t get it,” I say, pushing away my notebook. “Why?”

  She sighs, her entire body slumping against her chair. I can’t read her expression, and I can’t think of a reason why she wouldn’t want me to talk to this guy. He’s a famous director and has made some pretty awesome films, according to most critics. I guess she could tell me he’s racist and I wouldn’t be so surprised.

  In a flash, Penny grabs my arm, pulling me forward. There’s something sturdy about her expression. Too sturdy, like she’s seconds away from cracking.

  “What’s wrong, Penny?” I ask. “Did something happen?”

  All this silence makes it hard for me to breathe. I could tell myself everything is okay, but it’d be a lie. I’m anxious for a reason, and I’m not just blowing things out of proportion. Not this time.

  “It’s just…” Her voice trails off as she shakes her head. “I haven’t heard good things about him. And I’ve had some close calls of my own. But you have to promise not to tell anyone. This can’t go into your story.”

  “Yeah.” It’s hard to think about what to say. “My story is about Marius. It’s fine.”

  “Okay.” She takes a deep breath, pinches the bridge of her nose. Her voice drops to a whisper. “It’s just that I did a movie with him once. I didn’t have a big role or anything. And it was one of those movies about older guys, you know, having a midlife crisis, so there were a few girls my age wandering around. He used to call me behind the camera to look at the monitor so he could tap me on the ass. It was just that, at first, and then he’d find excuses to stand behind me and, like…he got kind of gropey. Know what I mean?”

  I don’t trust myself to speak. If I open my mouth, I might throw up.

  I’ve had guys pull at my shirt in hallways and make comments about my boobs. Maggie has complained about the jerks at her job. But it was never like this. Penny keeps glancing back and forth, breathing the way I do during a panic attack. I didn’t think she was afraid of anything.

  “Oh God.” My voice cracks. “Did you— Does anyone know?”

  “Just a few other girls.” Her gaze is steely. “I broke my contract, left before I could finish shooting my part. He didn’t give me a hard time about leaving. I think he guessed I would.”

  “But…” I shake my head. “Someone should know. It’s not okay—”

  “Of course it isn’t,” she snaps. “But it’d be my word against his. He’s Roy Lennox and I’m just some girl who used to be on Disney Channel. I’m already fighting to get people to take me seriously. No one would even look at me again if I tried to speak about this.”
/>
  “I don’t even know what to say.”

  I’ve never heard anyone mention this before, but Penny is right. Why would anyone mention it? Roy Lennox could destroy them with a flick of his hand. But still. There’s about to be a documentary celebrating his greatness. People should know, shouldn’t they?

  “I wanted you to know.” She reaches for my arm, squeezes. I hate that she is watching out for me. “He scared me when I was alone with him. I don’t want you to be in that position.”

  “But I’m seventeen.” I shake my head. “He wouldn’t…”

  She gives the slightest shake of her head. I bite my lip. All of a sudden, I feel like crying, but I can’t. Not if Penny isn’t crying. This is something that happened to her. It’s not about me.

  “You’re new to all of this,” she says after a moment, eyes roaming over my face. “There are some things you don’t understand yet.”

  I normally hate when people say things like that. They make me feel like I’m younger than I am, like I don’t know anything, like I don’t belong. But I know Penny is right. This is something I don’t get, because I’ve never had to deal with it, not like she has. And it makes me anxious the way I was back in middle school, when I used to get so anxious that I’d puke in the mornings before the bus came.

  “Do you—” I swallow. “Do you know other women who had the same experience? If you told them about me, do you think—”

  “No.” She shakes her head, folding her arms. “You’re really nice, Josie. Seriously. I’m glad I met you. But there’s— It’s something we don’t talk about. They’d all kill me for telling you.”

  The compliment doesn’t do anything to undo the growing knot in my stomach. Will Marius notice if this happens to the women on this next set? Or will he just ignore it, like everyone else? And how many girls my age will be there? Why is this happening how can I stop it who is watching who is helping this can’t happen it’s not allowed it’s wrong it’s not fair—