Echoes of You

by Margaret McHeyzer

“He’s not coming,” I say again, trying to reassure her. I’d hug her, but I know what she’s like if she’s touched.

  Suddenly, AJ appears at the door. As if he’s materialized out of thin air. He’s standing in front of Neve.

  “Oh,” Neve says and looks down at her bare feet. “You brought the bunny.”

  “It’s time, Neve,” he says in a harsh tone.

  “I can’t hear the song. It might not happen.” She backs away from AJ, and backs herself into the corner of the room. She curls up, trying to make herself as small as possible.

  “Neve,” AJ says with a sigh. “You know what has to happen.”

  “No, please don’t make me go, AJ. I’ll be good. I won’t cause you any problems. Please, please don’t make me go. I promise, I’ll be good.”

  I watch as Neve struggles with what she has to do. My breath is short and labored, coming in pants as my heart aches for what she has to go through.

  AJ looks down at the ground. His own chest heaving rapidly. “Neve,” he says in a smaller voice.

  “Please,” she begs. “Please don’t do this.”

  He steps forward, and she pushes herself against the wall. “Neve,” he says again. AJ looks at me, and shakes his head. “You have to go,” he says.

  “I want to be here for Neve.”

  “That song…” Neve whispers. I can’t hear a song. “It’s starting.” She unwinds herself, and steps forward.

  AJ holds the bunny rabbit out to her. She takes another hesitant step forward and reaches for the bunny. She holds the bunny to her face, and sniffs it deeply. “You’ll be okay, Neve.”

  “I used to love this bunny,” she says in a small voice. She heads to the door, turns, and looks at me. “But I hate it now. Will you be here when I return?”

  “If you want me to, I’ll stay right here.”

  She shakes her head, and lowers her saddened gaze. “I don’t want you to come back, Kate. You try to help me forget, but what happens here is too much for anyone to forget.” She turns her little body around, and slowly walks out of her room.

  The air is thick with sadness.

  Neve is like a twenty-five-year-old woman trapped in an eleven-year-old’s body. She’s wise, and smart. But so damn sad.

  “Kate,” AJ says bringing me back from the brink of hopelessness. I look over to him. “We have to go.”

  I nod my head, and step toward him. “What if I stay, and help her when she gets back?”

  “She doesn’t want you here.”

  “She’s a kid, AJ. She doesn’t know what she wants.”

  “She’s the most mature one out of all of us. She’s the one who’s on the frontline. If she says she doesn’t want you here, then get out.” He runs his hand through his hair.

  “Don’t be so rude,” I snap at him.

  “Then don’t be so disrespectful to the girl who’s helping us all get through this,” he yells back. He takes a deep breath, and runs his hand through his hair again. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so bitchy toward you. But Neve said she doesn’t want you here. We have to respect that. For her.”

  I head toward the door, and stop just short of the exit. “She’s the strongest person I know. I just wish I could do something for her.”

  “Come back tomorrow, Kate. I’m sure she’ll be better by then. You know, this.” He makes a twirling action with his finger, indicating this scenario we’re all in. “This is hard. It’s hard for all of us, but especially Neve. It’s my job to protect all of us, including M. But especially Neve.”

  I hate how he’s right.

  I hate how this is our life.

  I vow to myself to try and make Neve’s life better in whatever way I can.

  I’m worried for Neve. Outside has become dark, and Neve has yet to return.

  I stand in her room, pacing. I’m also contemplating going out and searching for her. She’s never been gone this long before. What’s happening? Why is this taking so long?

  Standing in the corner, all kind of worries are jumbling in my mind.

  Does she know how to get back?

  Is she okay?

  Is she dead?

  The hair on the back of my neck stands to attention. My skin crawls as I become hyper-aware of everything happening around me. Every sound, every smell, every feeling. I know something’s not right with Neve.

  I shouldn’t have let her go. I knew something was off. I knew the moment she was called. There was a darkness when he said her name. A darkness so black, and so consuming, that I just had a gut feeling something terrible was nearing.

  My stomach tensed the moment he whispered her name. I should’ve stopped him, should’ve done something to stop this happening. But how can I stop him? Who’d believe me?

  I’m powerless to do anything.

  I’m such a bad person. I send Neve to go into the slaughterhouse, and all I can do is feel sorry for myself. I should protect them. I should do everything in my power to safe guard them. Why can’t I be better? Stronger? Not so evil?

  “AJ,” Neve whispers.

  I open my eyes, and leap forward to hug her. But she holds her hand up, stopping me from touching her. “Are you okay?” I know the answer, but I still have to ask.

  She looks up at me and slowly shakes her head. “I will be, one day.” Neve drops the bunny by the door. She carefully walks over to her bed and gingerly lays down, her back to me.

  “Can I get you anything?” I offer.

  “Yeah, peace.” My heart bleeds. “Can you leave now? And take the bunny. I don’t want to see that thing until the next time.”

  “I’ll come back and bring you some coloring books. I know how much you like them.”

  “I need pencils. Take the red one out though. I don’t like red. I found another one, and I want it gone.”

  I’m not sure what she’s talking about. “Okay. Do you want or need anything else, Neve?”

  I step closer, but catch myself before I reach out to rub gentle circles on her back.

  “I want to be left alone.”

  “Okay.” I walk to where she’s dropped the bunny, bend, and pick it up. I look at it in disgust. “Bye.”

  “AJ?” Neve calls before I leave.

  “Yeah.”

  “Do you think M is okay?”

  I shrug. “You were gone for a while. A lot longer than normal. Actually, you were gone for too long.”

  “I’m worried for her.”

  And she still has the compassion to be worried for M. But, if I’m being honest, I’m really worried for M too. It’s never been this long before. It’s usually done quite quickly, but Neve was gone for a lot longer than that. “She’ll be okay,” I say trying to give Neve some comfort.

  I stay in the room for another moment, and when Neve doesn’t reply, I know she doesn’t want to talk any more. I look at the stupid bunny, and leave her room.

  I hate being the person I am.

  This is why I refuse to have a mirror in my room. I’m too scared of what I’ll see in its reflection. My life has never been easy. From the moment I can remember, all I’ve ever been is nothing. Nothing at all. Not a person, not a child, not a God damned thing.

  As I lay on my bed, I can hear AJ’s footsteps becoming further and further away.

  This is how I like it. I hate having AJ here, and hate it even more when Kate comes. What they don’t understand is how much I hate me. To my very core, I can’t stand me. I hate everything about me. Nothing about me is worth saving, nor am I worth anything.

  But I don’t stay because of what I think of myself. I stay for M. M needs me. And if I left, if I disappeared into nothing, then M would suffer. And I can’t have that on my conscience. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

  I have to protect M.

  I’m left alone, and this is the way I like it.

  When Kate comes to visit, she looks at me with such sadness in her eyes. I hate the way it makes me feel, which is why I barely look at her. She tries to cheer me up by do
ing things with me, but I just want to be left in peace, without her looking at me like I’m damaged or broken.

  My head is heavy, and all I can think about is that song, and what happens when I hear it. I don’t like what happens. No, “like” isn’t a strong enough word. I hate what that song symbolizes. Because while that song plays, it means I’m no longer myself. I have to become someone else. I have to be quiet, and take the punishment for M. I can’t say anything.

  I never do, because I don’t want to wake M. If I wake her, she’ll be hurt instead of me. And if she screams, then we don’t know what can happen. I fought once, which woke M and she screamed. It turned out to be so much worse for all of us.

  So now, when AJ comes to my room holding the bunny, I know what I have to do.

  I know how I have to prepare myself.

  AJ doesn’t want this anymore than I do. He hates having to be the one to do that, but he’s the only one strong enough to do it. The first time he did it, he cried more than I did. It broke my heart, knowing he was here, waiting for me, and in so much pain.

  I hate to think how he’s coping.

  My role is straightforward, his isn’t. It’s much harder than mine.

  “You’ll be okay, Neve,” I say to myself as I swing my legs over the bed, and sit up. I look out at the inky sky. It’s a moonless night. A starless night too.

  There are no clouds, though the sky isn’t clear either. A thin veil of haze hangs in the air. It makes everything foggy, barely visible.

  I heard Kate and AJ talking once, a long time ago. And Kate told AJ I’m so mature for my age.

  I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes. Each more painful than the last.

  “One day, you’ll no longer be needed,” I say out loud.

  It’s funny, because if Kate or AJ were here, they’d feel sorry for me.

  But to me, the mere thought of not being needed, makes me the happiest I’ve ever been.

  One day, I won’t be needed.

  Smiling, I choose to hold onto that hope.

  “What are you wearing?” AJ asks as I stand in his room.

  “Like it?” I twirl, letting the multicolored tutu fluff out. “Oh, and I have this too.” I reach into my bag, and take out a yellow rubber clown nose. Sliding it onto the end of my nose, I give AJ a huge, cheeky smile.

  “Why are you dressed like that?” He eyes my attire, before turning back to his weights.

  “I’m going to see Neve. And I’m hoping she lets me do some face painting on her.”

  “When did you learn to do face painting? And why isn’t the clown nose red?”

  “Because Neve hates the color red. And, I have a lot of hidden talents. Face painting is one of them. So is bubble making.” I hold up the big wand of soapy water that makes large bubbles. “And, if I put my mind to it, I can also make balloon animals.”

  “You can make balloon animals?” He eyes me sideways while continuing his reps.

  “Making balloon animals may be a bit of a stretch. I can blow up a balloon. And I call it a worm.”

  AJ laughs. “So what you’re saying is you actually have no idea how to make balloon animals.”

  I clutch my hand over my heart. “I take offense at that, AJ. I know how to make a balloon animal—a worm. Do you know how much talent it takes to make a worm?”

  AJ rolls his eyes. “Well, what’s the purpose of you looking like a fairy clown? Are you trying to make me smile? Because if you are, you’ve succeeded.”

  “I told you, I’m going to see Neve. I want to see her smile.”

  “Kate.” AJ stops, and places his weights on the ground. He walks over to me, and gently places his big hands on my shoulders. His body shines with a thin layer of sweat forming over his defined muscles. “It’s not a good idea for you to see her.”

  “Why? She of all people really need some happiness in her life.”

  “Yeah, she does. But this isn’t the way to make her happy.” He steps back, shaking his head. “She needs more than a tutu and a yellow nose.” He walks over to his bed, and sits on the edge. “We can’t help her, Kate.”

  “We might not be able to help her, but at least we can try to lessen the pain.”

  “There’s nothing we can do to make her pain less. Nothing.”

  “We can support her,” I explain. “We can make it more comfortable for her.” AJ’s brows fly up in surprise. “I know this is hard, but for now, we have to work with what we’ve got. We can’t do anything about this.” My arms go out to indicate our surroundings.

  AJ stands, walks back to his weights, and starts lifting again. “My job is to protect you and Neve. That’s what I can do about this.”

  “It’s frustrating, AJ. I want to help, and this is the only way I know how.”

  AJ shrugs and breathes out a deep breath. “Then try and go to her, but I doubt she’s going to want you there. I hope you can convince her to change her mind. But Neve isn’t like that. She likes to hide. Hide away from the world, hide away from us. Hide away from everyone.”

  I want to cry, because he’s right. He’s so right that my entire body aches. “I’m going to try. She’s worth that at the very least.”

  “It’s up to you.”

  “You’re right; it is. See ya.” I pick my bag up, and head out to see Neve.

  “Heya, can I come in?” I knock on Neve’s door.

  She’s sitting at her table, coloring in her book. She doesn’t turn to acknowledge me or even look at me. “Suppose,” she says.

  I walk in, and my tutu makes a rustling sound as it swishes against my legs. Even the sound isn’t intriguing enough to make Neve turn to look at me.

  “What do you think of me practicing my face painting on you, Neve?” I ask as I carefully approach her, making sure I don’t frighten her.

  “No, thank you,” she replies in her cold, lifeless voice.

  “How about I make a balloon animal for you? I’m skilled in the art of worm making. So skilled, I could win awards for it.”

  “No, thank you,” she says again, not raising her head from coloring.

  “Please? I really want to do this for you.”

  Neve turns her head, and sees my silly yellow nose, and puffy, multi-colored tutu. She runs her gaze the length of my body, and I see the tiniest smile tugging at her lips. “You look funny,” she says. “I like the nose. Maybe you should keep it.” This is the closest thing to fun I’ve ever heard from Neve.

  I squeeze the nose, then pose like a clown. “I made it myself,” I say. She turns her little head, and proceeds to color. “What do you think? Can I paint your face? I can paint a butterfly.”

  “Butterflies come from ugly caterpillars. I don’t care much for them.”

  “What about a frog? I know you like frogs,” I’m trying my hardest to convince her.

  “No, thank you. You can go.” And just like that, she flicks her hand at me, dismissing me like I don’t even matter.

  “I want to stay with you, Neve. I want to do something with you.”

  Slowly, she turns her head, staring at me. Her eyes are soulless. Her face, expressionless. “I’m here for one reason, and for one reason only. I don’t want to be friends, Kate. I don’t want to be anything. I’m here for M and only M. This is how I have to be, in order to get through this. I can’t have a connection with anyone, or this won’t work. Not for me, not for you or AJ but mostly, not for M.”

  I feel sick. Sick to my absolute core. “But you don’t have to be alone.”

  “I know, but I want to be.”

  “But,” I begin to protest.

  Neve stands with force, knocking her chair over. It makes me step back, almost afraid of this side of her. She’s not angry, it’s an emotion I haven’t seen before. It’s more than anger, it’s more than sorrow, it’s like she’s rejecting me and isolating herself. “There’s no ‘buts,’ Kate. I have to find a way that I can survive this. And for me, it’s about abandoning all hope, and living with what I have, now.”
>
  She completely stuns me. Her insight, and her wisdom is well above any eleven-year-old. She’s severing all ties, all connections, so she can outlive the circumstances thrust upon us. “I understand,” I whisper, still nearly speechless at her maturity.

  Neve returns to her table, rights her chair, and sits. “Please, don’t come back,” she says.

  What paralyzes me most, is her cold, spiritless voice. She seems burdened by merely breathing.

  I walk away, and respect the fact that even though I think Neve needs me, she doesn’t want me. My entire soul grieves for a little girl I once knew.

  “Can you believe tomorrow is our eighteenth birthday?” I ask Tina.

  She swings her arm around my shoulder, and squeezes. “Who would’ve thought when you came to live with us, that our birthdays would be on the same day. Still blows my mind.”

  I give her a big smile. I’m so glad we both ended up in the same family.

  Mom and Dad adopted Tina when she was six, and me when I was seven. Tina and I might not be sisters by blood, but we’re closer than sisters could ever be.

  “Dad wants us to get tomatoes and a head of lettuce,” Tina says, reading her phone as we walk toward the mall.

  “Did he say what he’s making?” I ask.

  “Nachos.”

  My stomach grumbles, and my mouth instantly salivates. “You know how Dad always fishes for compliments with his cooking?” I ask.

  Tina chuckles and shakes her head in jest. “Oh, man! He’s always saying, ‘I’m so good at this cooking thing,’ every night through dinner.”

  “You know, I think we should say tonight, ‘I’ve had better.’”

  “Oh no, that’s so mean. But yeah, let’s do that. You say it first, and I’ll agree.” Tina is so cheeky. “So, we need tomatoes and a head of lettuce. I’ve got to try to find a dress for tomorrow night. What are you wearing?” Tina asks.

  I shrug my shoulders. Fashion and me don’t really mix. “Whatever’s in my closet. I don’t know.”

  “Mom and Dad are taking us out to celebrate our birthday, and knowing them, it’ll be somewhere nice. Can’t you dress up, just a little?”