Echoes of You

by Margaret McHeyzer

  I shrug. “What’s the purpose of all this though? What difference will it make?”

  “The difference is, I want to get some background on you, Kate, Neve and AJ. And I think, we can make sure this guy, if he’s still alive, is brought to justice.”

  I furrow my brows. “You believe me?”

  “I just sat here and watched you have a conversation with people we can’t see or hear.” She points to herself, then Mom and Dad. “Do I believe you? There’s no question about it.”

  “Sweetheart, let her help,” Dad urges me.

  “If you’re okay with Eveline talking to Amelia, then your father and I are okay with it.” Mom grasps my hand, and squeezes.

  The door opens, and I turn to see Dylan walking in. He quickly looks around the room, and protectively comes to sit beside me. “What happened?” he asks.

  “Eveline knows.” I tap my head. Dylan gives me a small nod of acknowledgment. “She wants to talk to Amelia.”

  “Why?” Dylan questions.

  “Because I’m the best district attorney in this state. And I want to make sure that both Preston and the foster brother are dealt with.”

  Dylan’s lip slightly twitches. “My cousin will do whatever’s necessary to find him.”

  Eveline smirks. “Good.” Something seems to have happened. There’s a shift in the room. “Now back to Preston and the preliminary hearing. It’s like a mini-trial, I’ll admit evidence, and call witnesses. If the judge concludes there’s probable cause, then we’ll go to trial, where there’ll be a jury. His mother will try to say he was insane. It’s my job to prove he knew right from wrong, knew what he was doing was wrong, and I have enough evidence to prove it.”

  “What happens if the judge thinks he’s innocent?” Dad asks.

  “The judge can dismiss the charges.”

  “What?” I scream. “He can be let off? He killed my sister. Wrapped his hands around her neck and strangled her. He killed my fucking sister!” I yell louder. Slamming my hands on the table, I stand and begin to pace.

  Kate’s in my head. She quickly talking, but I’m pushing her out. Calm down, M.

  “Shut up, Kate. Just shut up!”

  M, you need to calm down. I’ll send Kate in to give you a chance to settle down. AJ says.

  “Don’t you dare tell me what you’re going to do. You have no right. He killed my sister. And he might get away with it.” I hit the side of my head.

  Kate, go in.

  On my way.

  “No!”

  I feel weak in the legs, and sit. Everything becomes foggy and clouded. I’m tired, so damn tired.

  Opening my eyes, I look around the room. Yawning, I stretch my arms. A huge smile tugs at my lips.

  “Hi!” I say as I look around at everyone. I feel tired, but I should be okay in a moment or two. “Oh yeah, you’re pretty cute,” I say to M’s boyfriend.

  “Are you Kate?” he asks.

  I hold my hand out so he can kiss the top of it. “I sure am, cutie. I like you.” I wink at him. He takes my hand and slowly brings it to his lips. “Oh, soft lips. I like that.”

  “Kate, is it?”

  I drag my eyes away from Mr. Eye Candy for a moment. “Oh, you’re that lawyer we’re all arguing over. Hell yeah, you can talk to Amelia. She’s totes cool. I like her. You’re a hard-ass, right? You’re not going to let that Preston guy get away with killing M’s sister, are you?”

  “I’m going to do everything I can to make sure he sees the inside of a prison cell for a long time. What can you tell me about this foster brother of Molly’s?”

  “Neve’s the one to talk to about him. Mind you, we all know what he used to do to her. Neve had it the worst though. She had to be ready for whenever he played the song.” I feel my happiness quickly dwindling. I hate talking about him. I’m the happy one, God damn it. I don’t like being sad.

  “What song did he used to play?”

  A shiver runs up my spine just thinking about those dark, horror-filled days. “I don’t want to talk about him. But I do want you to find him, and make him suffer the way he made Neve suffer.” Instantly I cheer up, happy at the thought of him going to prison, and knowing pedophiles are welcomed in a different kind of way there. “Hopefully, someone has some barbed wire ready for him.” I smile cheekily and clap my hands together. I look over to M’s parents. They’re staring at me. “Do I have something on my face?” I wipe at my nose.

  “Not at all. You’re just so… different,” M’s mom says.

  “I know. I’m the cool one. I’m the one who cheers everybody up.” I jump up, and sit on her lap. “I love your hair. You should wear it down. Maybe put some makeup on. Not too much. Just some lipstick. Oh my God! You’d rock knee-high boots. You have such nice legs.”

  “I’m really not into boots,” she replies.

  “But you’d rock them. High-heeled black boots.”

  We have to talk, Kate. You can’t take over whenever you want.

  I roll my eyes. “Fine, you can have your body back. Before I go, we all give you permission to talk with Amelia, and to go after that bastard. And while I’m here, get the death penalty for that prick, Preston.”

  “We don’t have the death penalty in this state,” Eveline says.

  “What a shame. Bullet, brain. Easy solution. For both of them.”

  Kate!

  The cloud lifts and I find myself sitting on Mom’s lap. I vaguely recall Kate saying something about boots to Mom.

  “I’m sorry,” I apologize to everyone. I get up off Mom’s lap, and sit in my seat again. Rubbing my hand over my eyes, I try and drag myself out of the heavily clouded head space I’m in. It takes several moments of quiet before I start feeling like myself. I rub at the back of my neck, trying to calm my worry. What are they all thinking? Especially Eveline. I’m worried she thinks I’m crazy. I can’t bear to bring my gaze to hers. I shift in my chair, impatiently waiting for something to happen.

  “Molly?” Eveline asks.

  “Yeah, I’m really sorry.” I feel sweat beading on the back of my neck. Jesus, what does she think? “I, um, couldn’t help that.”

  “You’re a remarkable woman, Molly,” Eveline says.

  I lower my chin, struggling with Eveline’s obvious acceptance of what just happened. I wet my lips, taking extra care not to say or do anything else weird.

  “Molly?” I slowly bring my eyes up to meet Eveline’s. “You are extraordinary.”

  “I don’t feel like I am,” I reply in a slower tone. My mouth becomes parched, and I reach for the water.

  “I’ll get it,” Dylan says as he stands and pours some water into a glass then hands it to me.

  “Thank you.” I smile. There’s a part of me that really doesn’t like all this attention. I’ve never liked people staring at me, or me being in the center of anything. I’m fine with melting into the wall, and watching rather than being watched.

  “Molly, perhaps Dylan can take you out for a coffee? I’d like to speak to your parents alone. Are you okay with that?”

  “Is it about me?” I ask nervously.

  “Some of it will be. But some will be about your sister.”

  Standing, I lean into Dylan and wrap my arm around his waist. I feel like he’s my strength. I trust him, and know he’ll never hurt me. “What do you think?” I ask, unsure on what I should be saying.

  “I think Eveline is right. You’re exceptional, but you need us. And for now, I think you should let your parents talk with Eveline while I buy you a coffee.”

  “I suppose it’s not like they don’t know I’m crazy,” I say trying to lighten the mood.

  “You’re not crazy, Molly. You’re vulnerable, and it’s our duty to protect you,” Dylan says. “Because we all love you.”

  I look between my parents, Eveline, then Dylan. “Okay,” I say in a small voice, “Take me for a coffee.” I have unconditional trust in my parents, and I know, they’d never do or say anything to hurt me.

 
“How are you feeling, Molly?” Amelia asks.

  Curling up on the sofa, I look out the window and see the trees moving with the wind. I hug my legs as I considering how I’m feeling. “I’m kind of relieved. Preston’s going to trial for what he did to Tina.”

  “Kind of? I thought you’d be happier.”

  “I am. I’m struggling with a few other things, that’s all.” I look down, away from Amelia. I can feel her eyes boring into me. She’s going to ask me what’s bothering me.

  “What are you struggling with? Is it one of the alters?”

  I move on the sofa, readjusting my position. I’m delaying telling Amelia what I’m thinking and feeling. My stomach pulsates, and my hands sweat. “Not really, but kind of.”

  “Kind of, again, huh? Tell me, what are you thinking?”

  “I’ve been thinking about Dylan.”

  “Go ahead.” She extends her legs, and crosses them at the ankles.

  “I’m conflicted,” is the only words I offer.

  “Over what?”

  Why does this feel like I’m struggling to find the right words? Actually, to find any words? My thoughts are torturous. I shouldn’t be thinking about this, I should be more focused on Preston’s trial.

  “I’m going to make a speculation here, Molly. But I’m getting the feeling you’re burdened by whatever it is you want to talk to me about. You know, wanting to feel happy isn’t a bad thing. You’re probably questioning yourself, and beating yourself up, maybe even wanting to punish yourself for things that are out of your control.”

  It’s like she can read my mind. I roll my eyes, frustrated with myself. “I want to get closer to Dylan, but I don’t know if I can. We tried once, and I freaked out.”

  “Is Dylan putting pressure on you?”

  “Oh my God, no. Not at all. He’s so understanding. But I feel guilty for a range of reasons.” I stand and pace before Amelia, darting a look over to her every few seconds. “I want to take it to the next level. But I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel like I should focus on them,” I tap my head, “and Tina’s trial. Like I should put them all before me.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with you taking care of you. The only tricky part will be talking to the others. First Dylan. You both have to be on the same page when it comes to intimacy. But I suspect you’ll need to talk to Neve, AJ, and Kate. I have a feeling Neve will struggle with this the most.”

  “Why Neve?” I ask.

  “Neve’s been conditioned to take over when an act like that occurs, something that will hurt you.”

  “But this is different. It’s not forced like it used to be when I was little.”

  “But remember, Neve is only a young child herself, and she doesn’t know the difference. All she knows, is when you were about to be hurt, it was her job to take you away from the horror, and for her to step in. You’re going to have to talk to Neve before you and Dylan make that connection.”

  “Should I talk to Neve with Dylan here?” I really don’t know what to do.

  “I think you should speak with Dylan first, and ask him what he wants. From what I’ve seen of him, I think he’ll support you any way he can.”

  I let out a chuckle. “Do you have any idea how hard this is? Every decision I make is a decision for four people, not just one. I have to consider what AJ, Kate, and Neve want whenever I make any type of choice or arrangement.”

  “Molly, you have something that’s not common. Thankfully there’s a wide community of other people who have DID. Have you considered reaching out to them and making contact with others?”

  “What do I say? Hey, I have DID. Want to compare notes?” I laugh at how stupid that sounds. How ridiculous. “Do you realize how much of a loser that makes me sound like?”

  “What are you saying, that other people who have DID are losers?”

  “No, that’s not what I meant.”

  “What about if by you reaching out, you unknowingly give somebody else the courage to do the same?”

  “What do you mean? Like someone else is afraid and doesn’t want to tell?”

  “That’s precisely what I’m saying.”

  “Well, that’s dumb. Why wouldn’t someone try to reach out for help?” Amelia tilts her head, and her eyes widen. “Oh, yeah, I get it.” She used my words against me. Smart.

  “It’s certainly necessary you speak with all the others. And Dylan, but also reach out and ask the DID community how they manage having a healthy sexual relationship with their significant others. Because sex is also about intimacy too. It’s not all based on the act of sexual intercourse all the time. For Neve and you, you’ll have to find the balance of when Neve comes forward, and when you do.”

  I shiver in disgust. “I don’t ever want Neve to be there for that. She’s only a child.”

  “I think you’ll find Dylan won’t want that either. But have the conversation with him first. You both need clear boundaries and plans. What if Neve does come forward when you’re being intimate with Dylan? Both you and Dylan need to have a plan at how to handle that if it does happen. But the plan needs to be discussed with Neve, too. It’s only fair for her to have input. And she needs to know that you want intimacy with Dylan.”

  “I don’t want her exposed to that. We need to talk about her staying away when Dylan and I… you know.”

  “Neve is her own person. She may be young, but you should give her the option of what she wants to do. And before you think it, I’m not condoning her joining you and Dylan when you’re intimate. I’m saying she needs to feel like she’s being heard.”

  “I think for Neve, it’ll be traumatic, and I’m really worried for her.”

  “Talk to her. And next time I’m here, if you’re both okay with it, I can talk to her too. Perhaps, involve Dylan too.”

  “This is never going to be easy, is it?” I ask sighing heavily.

  “Easy? Life isn’t easy. Instead, this is a long, tedious journey and no one has a road map. Don’t expect each of your alters to automatically fall in love with Dylan just because you have. They all need to develop a relationship with him, just like you did.”

  “What if this is too much for him, and he wants to leave?” I keep beating myself up over this.

  “Relationships break up all the time. But a relationship based on trust, and in this case, strength, has less of an opportunity to crumble. You’re stronger than you think, Molly. The biggest thing I think you have to remember is to be patient with your alters. Remember that for the most part, they’re reactionary. These last two months have been a learning curve for everyone. You can’t expect for everything to be smooth and easy. It never is.”

  “I feel like I have no control over myself.”

  Amelia laughs. “Does anyone have control over themselves? Life is a series of events. Some good, some not. But other than waking up every morning if you’re lucky, you have no say in anything.”

  I screw my nose up. “That’s quite pessimistic, isn’t it? So negative.”

  She laughs again. “I’m a realist, Molly. I like knowing that each day, I have no idea what challenges will present themselves. We have to arm ourselves with knowledge, because knowledge is the ultimate power. If you choose to remain unschooled, then others will always find a way to take advantage of you. Equip yourself with power. Become an ultimate weapon. Because once you learn to understand AJ, Kate, and Neve, your life will become a lot less stressful, and a lot more enjoyable.”

  “You make it seem easy.”

  “Never easy.” She holds a finger up at me. “Just not impossible.”

  I sit back down, and look out the window again. The tree is still moving in the wind, but somehow it doesn’t look as menacing as it did before. “I’ll talk with Dylan, and listen to what he wants to do. I keep giving him the option to leave, but he doesn’t want to take it.”

  “Why would he? He loves you. You’re a beautiful young lady, both inside and out.”

  “Because this is hard.”

 
; “Yet, not impossible,” she reminds me.

  It’s my turn to smile. “Nothing’s impossible,” I say. “I once read something on social media that says it’s only impossible until it’s not. I thought it was stupid when I first read it. But now, I understand it better.”

  “How are you feeling about finding the person who did this to you?”

  “Hard question,” I answer candidly. “I’m not really sure. I know Kate wants him dead. I’m concerned for Neve though. I’m not sure how she’s going to cope.”

  “But she has you, Kate, and AJ to help her through.”

  “Truth be told, I’m not even sure how I’m going to cope. I know this is something that has to happen. Because honestly, I’d feel worse about myself if I found out he had children of his own and he was…” I close my eyes, still finding it difficult to say the words. I take a several deep breaths. “…touching them. Especially if I could’ve done something to stop him. The guilt would eat me alive.” I open my tear-filled eyes to look at Amelia. “But in a way, I never want to see him again.”

  “Your emotions are all normal. You’ll go through so many, and sometimes all in the space of moments. There’s something you have to tell yourself, and AJ, Neve, and Kate need to listen.”

  “What?”

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “What if…”

  “Nope. Stop right there. There’s no other version of that statement. It was not your fault.”

  “But…”

  “No.” She shuts me down again. “It was not your fault.”

  My hand flutters to my mouth, I nervously run my fingertips across my lips. My muscles all tense, and I’m overwhelmed by with reluctance to believe the words Amelia is desperately trying to get me to understand. I avoid her eyes, putting off responding.

  “It was not your fault,” she says again.

  I blink several times, keeping the tears at bay. I lift my hand, stopping Amelia from repeating herself. A shudder rips through my shoulders, making them tremble. “I need to get out of here,” I say as I stand.

  “There’s nowhere you can go that’ll give you peace until you allow yourself to heal, and forgive yourself. You’ll always be at war.” I hate how she’s right. She repeats the words. Slowly. “It. Was. Not. Your. Fault.”