Echoes of You

by Margaret McHeyzer

  The only good thing that’ll come from this is that this monster will not be able to hurt anyone else.

  I have to do it. I have to.

  Yes, M, you do.

  The palms of my hands are sweating.

  Standing in front of an unassuming building, I look up to see its sheer size. Still it’s inconspicuous because it looks exactly like all the other buildings surrounding it.

  The sun breaks from behind the brick building, casting the entrance into shadow.

  Funny, that. Because I’ve been living in the shadows all my life. Now is the time for me to come out of the shadows, and speak my truth. Speak our truth.

  There’s a line of cars in front of the building, all marked with the same lettering.

  My heart beats quickly as a shock of finality runs through my veins.

  This is where part of me will die and another part of me will live.

  We’re here for you.

  All my life I’ve been worried about what people think of me. But I can’t continue on in a life where I’m only breathing. I need to learn to live.

  I take several deep breaths, ready to cross the street and take the leap I’ve been longing for.

  “You can do this,” I say to myself. The sun is moving higher, the shadow becoming smaller.

  Yes, you can.

  I look to my left, and to my right, checking for oncoming cars.

  I keep walking, crossing the street. I know if I stop for even a second, I’ll talk myself out of going.

  You can do it.

  I walk until I come to the automated doors that slowly slide open.

  Hopefully, they’ll believe you.

  I head to the counter, where a woman who’s wearing a uniform, her dark hair pulled back in a severe ponytail, is working on a computer. She looks up, but remains seated. “Can I help you?” she says in a curt voice.

  My hands tremble, so I knit them together to stop the emotion bursting to come forward.

  “I um,” my voice quivers with uncertainty.

  “Are you okay?” Hearing something in my voice, she stands and comes closer to the counter. She looks behind me, searching for a hint as to why I’m so edgy.

  “I um need to talk to police unit who deals with sexual abuse.”

  The lady furrows her brows together, and straightens. She asks a question I wasn’t expecting. “Are you okay?”

  I look at her, surprised. “I’m okay,” I reply, skeptically. “But I need to talk to someone about what happened to me as a child.”

  Realization dawns on her. She thought I was recently sexually abused. “Okay.” She offers me a small smile. “Wait just a moment.” She walks away, and picks up the phone.

  I step back from the counter. My stomach quivers with nerves, as I fidget with the hem of my t-shirt. My parents and Dylan wanted to come with me, but I didn’t want them here, so I snuck out of the house early and came to the police station. I just need to do this by myself. By ourselves.

  My skin prickles with nerves. I’m unsure of what I’m doing. I was so confident up until a moment ago. Now, I’m petrified.

  I turn, and begin walking out and back to where my car’s parked.

  I can’t do this.

  Stop! You have to do this.

  “No, AJ, I can’t. They won’t believe me. They’ll think I’m making this up. It’s been too long, and I can’t do it.” I keep walking, refusing to stop.

  “Molly!” I hear Dylan calling. I look to my left, and I see him jogging down the street. “You didn’t wait for us.” He looks behind him, and my parents are only a few steps behind.

  “I thought I could do this, Dylan. But I can’t. I can’t tell them about AJ, Kate, and Neve. They’re going to think I’ve lost my mind.”

  He steps in and places his hands on my shoulders. “You have no idea what they’re going to say or do. But you have to tell them.”

  My cheeks burn with embarrassment, as I step back away from Dylan. I try to speak, but my chin is trembling with fear. “I don’t think I can,” I finally manage to whisper.

  “You have to,” Mom says. “You have to stop him from hurting anyone else. You tried to save Tina and you couldn’t. But you can save another little girl from what was done to you.”

  “And we’ll all be right here with you,” Dad adds.

  I look to the three of them, searching for something, but the heaviness in my throat makes it nearly impossible to breathe.

  “It’s okay,” Dylan says as he steps closer, and embraces me in his arms. “You have to unburden yourself of this colossal weight you’ve been carrying. It’s too much for one person, Molly, to go through life and not have some kind of reprieve from this. You’re the only person who has the power to make a difference.”

  I feel like shrinking away and hiding forever. But what good can come from that? Not a God damned thing.

  “You have the power,” Mom echoes.

  Mom’s hand is warm as she places it on my back and rubs gentle circles. Dad hugs me, while I’m hugging Dylan. I know what I have to do, it’s just finding the strength to do it.

  We’ll all be there, and we’re all going to be ready to step in if you need us.

  “Thank you, Neve,” I say in a small voice. “I have to do this, don’t I?”

  “No, you don’t,” Dad answers before Neve can. We all separate from the hug. “You really don’t.” He steps closer, and slings his arm over my shoulder. “Let’s go home, and forget about it. Pretend this didn’t happen.”

  “Pretend what didn’t happen?” I ask.

  “Everything. We’ll go home, and in a little while everything will go back to normal, like it was before Tina passed away. We’ll all learn how to live without her, and hopefully Kate, AJ, and Neve just drift into the background and never return. Come on, sweetheart. Let’s go.”

  “Thomas, you can’t be serious?” Mom snaps at Dad.

  “She doesn’t want to do this. We can’t force her. Maybe this is for the best.”

  For the best?

  “Are you kidding? She’ll never know peace because of what that monster did to her.” Mom’s emotions are making her angry at Dad.

  “It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is Molly. And if she says she can’t do it, then she can’t do it. There’s nothing more to it. We don’t need to waste our time, or hers, arguing here.”

  Waste our time?

  Neve’s remaining quiet, but AJ is trying to come through. He’s so angry.

  I can’t believe your dad, M. Why is he so cold?

  “He’s not cold, AJ. He’s trying to protect me.”

  Dad links our hands together, and pulls me in the direction of my car. Every part of me wants to stop. My feet, my head, my alters. “Wait!” I say.

  “No, you’ve made your mind up.”

  “Dad, I have to do this. I can’t not do anything about him. They have to know.”

  Dad smiles at me. “See.”

  “See what?”

  “Didn’t like that feeling of hopelessness, did you? That’s how you’ll feel for the rest of your life if you don’t find your strength right this moment.”

  Oh.

  “Yeah,” I echo Neve’s tiny sigh. “I understand.”

  “Yeah?” Dad says. “What do you understand?”

  “I know I have a choice. And one decision is right, and the other decision is right for me. I have to choose which decision I’m going to act upon. And I know what I have to do.”

  “No one is going to judge you if you choose to walk away from this,” Dylan says.

  “I know. But I’m going to judge myself. Neve, AJ, and Kate will all have been for nothing. They need to have a voice. Just like every child who’s being or has been groomed and abused. I need to fight for everyone who can’t.”

  Mom beams with pride.

  “Then let’s head back inside, and do this,” Dylan states.

  I nod. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

  The first thing I notice is the l
ady who I spoke with earlier. She’s talking to a really tall, older man, whose build is solid. They both look over to us, and the guy walks toward us.

  “Hi,” he greets me. “I’m David Baxter, part of the sex crimes unit. Amy was telling me you came in to speak to someone from sex crimes. Can I help you?”

  I look around, taken aback by the fact we’re out in the foyer and anybody can walk past. “Actually…” I don’t finish the sentence. I can’t do this out here. I shake my head.

  David looks to all of us. “How about I make you a cup of the worst coffee in the area?” He made me smile. “It’s really terrible. But I’m happy to make five cups, one for each of us.”

  “I’d love a cup,” Dylan replies first and squeezes my hand. “Molly?”

  “Molly? I’m David.” He holds his hand out for me to take.

  “I’d like a coffee,” I say as I take his hand and shake it.

  “Great, let’s go up to my office.”

  We all follow him to the elevator, where we take it up to the fourth floor. Walking through the door, the office space is fairly bare, only a handful of police officers in at this time of the morning. “There aren’t many of you,” I say trying to distract myself.

  “It’s still fairly early, but there are always people here.” He leads us into his office. It’s bigger than I thought it would be, and actually fairly neat too. There’s a large bookcase on the side containing a heap of police manuals, law books, and files. There are some weird knick-knacks from different destinations. But the thing I notice most is a bunch of framed certificates on the wall. But the one that sticks out, is a hand-written letter. I step toward it and notice immediately the juvenile writing. It says, thank you for making it safe for me to sleep at night. It has two Xs below the name: Susan.

  “That came from the first case I worked on in sex crimes.”

  “How’s Susan now?” I ask.

  “Susan is going to graduate high school next year, and is on track to become a police officer. She wants to come work for me,” he says with a huge smile, and pride in his eyes. He offers us all a chair, and waits until we’re seated. “Now, what’s happening with you, Molly?”

  And so it begins.

  I take a deep breath, then clear my throat. Biting on the inside of my cheek, I’m finding ways to hesitate. I draw in a longer breath, holding for a second while I worry over his response. “I um…”

  Tell him, he’ll understand.

  “Please, AJ, not now.”

  “Who’s AJ? Is that you?” David pointedly looks toward Dylan.

  “Ah, no. This is a bit more complicated. I’m Dylan Walker, Molly’s boyfriend.” Dylan half stands and leans over the table to shake David’s hand.

  “I’m Paris, and this is my husband Thomas.” They both shake David’s hand.

  He quickly sits again, and jots some notes down on his note pad. “Okay, now that we all know each other, who’s AJ?”

  “Can I back track a bit before I tell you about them, please?” I ask.

  “Them? Okay, please start where you need to.”

  “I’m adopted, and they’re my adoptive parents. But I call them Mom and Dad. This is Dylan, and he’s my boyfriend.”

  “Okay. When were you adopted?”

  “I was seven. I’m eighteen now.”

  “Eleven years ago.”

  I nod. “Before that my biological father surrendered me and I was put into foster care.”

  “Do you know when you were taken out?”

  Again, I nod. “Just before my third birthday. I lived with the same foster family until I was adopted at seven.”

  “And what do you remember about them?”

  “Oh man, I wasn’t expecting that question.”

  “Were they good people?”

  “I think so. I don’t recall much from that time.”

  “Okay.” He places his pen on the notepad, and sits back. “What do you recall?”

  Tell him, or I’m going to have to.

  “Shh,” I whisper under my breath. David looks to me, and to Dylan, then to my parents. Wringing my hands together, I fidget under the table, not wanting David to see how nervous I am. My fingers tingle with ice, as my heart beats crazily. My body shakes as I try to form some kind of sentence to tell David. I have to tell him something.

  This is it, for all of us, M. You have to tell him.

  Neve’s pleading little voice brings tears to my eyes. I close my eyes, hoping to disappear. “There was a boy who came to live with us shortly after I was fostered. He used to…” I pause. My heart is now hammering in my chest. The words are stuck in my throat. Panic cripples me, rendering me powerless.

  Only you can do this.

  “I’m trying,” I say to Neve.

  I know. Don’t give him the power anymore. He’s weak, a monster, a damn coward.

  “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

  It’s the hardest thing we’ll ever have to do. But if you don’t do it now, we’ll never be free.

  What a word. Free.

  I feel like I’m going to throw up.

  I click my tongue several times, trying everything to delay saying the words. “He used to do things to me.”

  And just like that, my skin tingles and I breathe the easiest I’ve ever done before.

  “What did he do?”

  Opening my eyes, I’m amazed by how much pressure has been lifted. “At first he’d touch me. But it progressed to…more.”

  “I’m proud of you, Sweetheart,” Dad says.

  “I’m so proud.” Dylan’s hand squeezes my thigh.

  “Do you remember much of what happened?” David asks.

  “I don’t.”

  No, but I do. Let me talk to him.

  “I’m not sure, Neve.”

  “Who’s Neve?” David looks to me, questioning.

  “I thought telling you about him was going to be hard.” I shake my head as I purse my lips together. “Neve is one of my alters.” My shoulders droop as I wait for the disbelief.

  David’s face doesn’t falter. Not for a single second. He doesn’t make the face I was expecting. The widening of the eyes, the O mouth, the shaking of the head. None of it. “How many alters do you have?”

  “Wait, you believe me?” I ask.

  “Early childhood trauma has a huge range of effects. Some people turn to drugs, suicide, they may even go on to be offenders themselves. Dissociative identity disorder isn’t as common, but it’s not unheard of either.”

  “You know what I have?” I asked, surprised.

  “I’ve done a lot of research, and talked with a lot of therapists about DID. I know what it is, and guess what, Molly?” I shrug. “I believe you. But here’s where it gets tricky. I need as much information as I can get in order to go after this guy.”

  “My cousin is a PI, and she tracked him down,” Dylan offers.

  David half smiles. “Did she? Wow, I’m impressed.”

  “She helping the DA now.”

  “Eveline?” David asks. Dylan nods. “Good. Eveline is one of the best DA’s I’ve ever met. She has an amazing team that works with her. And Eveline is a good person to have on your side. I’ll talk to her about you.”

  “We’ve already spoken with Eveline,” Mom interrupts.

  “You have?” David lifts his brows. “In what way have you spoken with Eveline?”

  “Our daughter, our other daughter, Tina,” Dad starts. “She was murdered.”

  David places his pen down, and lifts his head to look at us. “I’m sorry for your loss. What happened with Tina? How is Eveline involved and not one of her team?”

  I look around to my parent’s blank faces. “No one really knows why she’s handling it herself and not one of her team. But while we were there talking about Tina, and the guy she was involved with who killed her, one of my alters came forward.”

  “Okay, let me back-pedal for a moment. Your sister, Tina was killed by her partner?”

  “
Yeah,” Dad answers.

  “Domestic violence. Okay.” He rubs his fingers across his forehead. “And you spoke with Eveline?”

  “Yeah. Maybe it has something to do with his parents,” Mom says.

  “The person who killed your daughter, what’s his name?”

  “Preston Mills,” Mom replies.

  David’s mouth falls open, then he quickly closes it. “And that’s why Eveline is involved.”

  “Why?” I ask.

  “Because if she isn’t, his parents will do everything in their power to get him off with a slap on the wrist.” He rubs his hand across the back of his neck. “Now, what can you tell me about the person who abused you?”

  “I can’t tell you much. I don’t remember much, just some small things. But Neve can talk to you.”

  “Neve is one of your alters?”

  “Yeah. I need to ask her if she’ll talk to you.” I’m here and I want to talk to him. “Okay,” I reply to Neve. “She wants to talk.”

  “Do you need anything before Neve comes forward?”

  “Neve likes to draw,” Mom says.

  “I’ll leave the room,” Dad says as he stands. I know Neve doesn’t like men. She struggles with being around them. She’s okay with Dylan, and obviously okay with AJ.

  “Neve, the police officer wants to talk you.”

  I’m here. Your dad doesn’t have to go.

  “Will you talk to him about Mack? Dad, Neve said you can stay.” Dad sits again.

  I’ll tell him everything he wants to know.

  “Are you sure?” She’s quiet for some time. I’m nervous now she’s disappeared and doesn’t want to talk to David.

  “What’s happening?” Dylan asks.

  “Neve’s gone quiet. She’s not talking. I don’t know what’s going on.”

  I’m here. AJ will be with me.

  “She’s here.” I point to my head. “She has AJ here too, in case she’ll need him.”

  “Are you sure you can do this?” Dylan asks.

  “We have to,” I reply on behalf of all of us.

  David nods. “I’ll be back in a moment.” He stands and leaves the room.

  “You don’t have to do this,” Mom says.

  I smile at her and exhale deeply. “Yeah, I do. It’s the only way we know David will have enough information to get this guy. I’ve spent countless hours agonizing over this. I’ve changed my mind so many times. We just have to do it.”