Girls of Summer

by Kate Christie

  “Thanks, Laur,” Jamie said, gazing affectionately at her ex. She looked good, her eyes clear and happy, her hair shorter but just as uncooperative as usual. With a white mother and a black father, Laurie used to bemoan her hair’s unruly nature. Now it was styled in a cloud of curls that suited her bone structure and made her eyes seem even larger.

  “Hi,” Emma said from Jamie’s elbow, her tone slightly amused.

  “Oh! Right, sorry,” Jamie said, suddenly flustered. “Emma, this is Laurie Moore. Laurie, this is Emma Blakeley.”

  “I know who she is,” Laurie said cheerfully, eyeing Emma’s proffered hand for a moment before shaking it. “And this is Beth, my partner.”

  “In crime,” Beth added, her eyes mischievous as she stepped forward to hug Jamie. Her embrace was brief but just as warm as Laurie’s. “It’s great to see you again, Jamie.”

  “You, too, Beth.”

  They chatted about New York and the send-off series as they waited in line, the conversation focused on casual topics. Like dinner at Jupiter, this scene felt a little surreal to Jamie, too. She was here with Laurie and Emma, two women she’d loved but had thought were lost to her, both of whom were back in her life in completely different roles. This was one of those times when she appreciated the lesbian cultural requirement of staying friends with your exes.

  Once they’d found a table in a corner near the window, the polite chit-chat turned more personal.

  “How are your parents?” Jamie opened with.

  “Oh, you know Victor and Victoria,” Laurie said breezily. “He’s always at the lab and she rarely leaves her greenhouse, but they seem happy enough.”

  Beside Jamie, Emma choked a bit on her chocolate croissant.

  “Those really are their names,” Laurie said, and glanced at Jamie. “You didn’t mention that?”

  “No,” Jamie said, shrugging. “I guess it didn’t come up.”

  The truth was, Emma hadn’t even been sure she would come along this morning. She’d considered staying at the hotel in Harrison to get a massage—her right quad, which she’d injured a couple of years earlier, had been nagging her lately, and Jamie knew she was worried about a costly injury at the worst possible time. They were all worried about that, really.

  Beth smoothed over the semi-awkward moment with an anecdote that had taken place a few weeks earlier at the Moore family home in Greenbelt, Maryland, where Laurie’s father worked for NASA.

  “Do you guys get down there a lot?” Jamie asked, trying to ignore the way Emma kept glancing at a nearby table.

  “A bit, but not as often as my parents want,” Laurie admitted.

  “Sounds familiar,” Jamie said. “Do any adult children ever visit their parents enough?”

  “There are the ones who still live at home,” Beth commented, “like my little brother. But our parents complain they see him too much. Probably there’s a healthier balance out there somewhere.”

  “Speaking of siblings, how’s Meg? Last I heard, she and Todd were in grad school in Utah.” Laurie shuddered, as if the thought of Utah was unpleasant.

  Jamie felt the same way. Utah was not known for its kindness toward queers or people of color. Neither were most of its neighboring states, either.

  As she filled Laurie in on Maxwell family developments, Jamie noticed again that Emma’s gaze had returned to the table near the window where a pair of teenage girls had their phones unsubtly pointed in their direction. Jamie didn’t much care if some rando captured photos of their coffee double-date. Good for them, and good—in theory—for the USWNT and the World Cup. Emma, however, chewed her lip and tapped her foot frenetically. Obviously, she didn’t feel the same.

  Jamie started to reach for her hand to squeeze it in what she intended to be a comforting gesture, but Emma moved it away and stared at her, expression transmitting a clear What the hell? As Laurie glanced between them, her gaze narrowing, Jamie smiled tightly, trying to pretend that Emma’s reaction in front of her ex-girlfriend wasn’t completely mortifying.

  “Anyway,” she said brightly, “how’s work at the UN?”

  “You know we don’t actually work for the UN, right?” Laurie said.

  “Yes, but you still work at the UN, right?” Jamie snarked back, falling easily into the familiar banter.

  Laurie and Beth, who had met in the Peace Corps in Morocco, now worked for a non-profit that consulted with the UN’s Economic and Social Council on the status of women in North Africa. Emma had asked for details on their walk to the coffee shop, but Jamie had only shrugged helplessly. She’d always meant to read up on Laurie’s NGO, but somehow she still hadn’t. Fortunately, Laurie and Beth didn’t mind filling them in on their organization’s mission to promote economic independence among the women of rural Africa.

  Their pastries were long gone and their caffeinated beverages dwindling when Emma excused herself. She said she needed a restroom, but Jamie suspected she mostly wanted a break from the boundary-pushing teenagers. The two girls turned away, giggling slightly as Emma passed them, and Jamie watched for an anxious moment as Emma seemed to pause.

  Keep walking, she thought at her girlfriend. Not like Emma could hear her.

  Fortunately, Emma moved past, and Jamie released a breath. Of course Emma wouldn’t antagonize their young fans. She had been doing the patient, occasionally frustrating work of promoting the women’s game in the US far longer than Jamie had been. It was only since the scene with Jenny’s stalker in St. Louis that Jamie had begun to worry about Emma’s reactions. While Jamie had been the one to literally tackle the guy, she knew that Emma was still spooked by the fan’s decision to approach them in real life. When Jamie had asked her about her jumpiness after an open training session in LA, Emma had replied that if Jenny’s stalker could do it, what was there to prevent other Internet crazies from appearing at a public USWNT event? Or, worse, at their team hotel or even their private homes?

  Nothing was the answer, and they both knew it. There was nothing to stop anyone from approaching them, just as there was nothing to prevent any person in the world from transgressing against another if they wanted to badly enough. New York City with its sheer mass of human beings all in constant, often tense proximity was just another reminder that people were not always good to each other. Jamie had grown up in a city, but Emma was a child of the suburbs. That particular difference from their childhoods sometimes crystallized in Jamie’s mind. This current trip—like their trip to London last year—was one of those moments.

  “Everything okay?” Laurie asked.

  “Totally,” Jamie said, channeling more false cheer. “I think we’re both just a little jittery. We leave for Canada in less than a week, and even though this is my first World Cup, it’s Emma’s third. There’s this sense among the veterans that it’s now or never. For them, it really could be.”

  “She’s what, my age?”

  “Yeah, but that means she’ll be almost thirty-three during the next World Cup. That’s practically ancient in soccer circles.”

  “In plenty of places around the world, thirty-three actually is ancient thanks to lack of access to healthcare and other resources you and I take for granted,” Laurie said, giving her the look that reminded Jamie of college whenever she’d said something unintentionally offensive. Laurie used to criticize—justifiably, Jamie could admit—the culture of elite sports in America, where men in particular made enough in a year to feed, clothe, and educate thousands of impoverished families in the US and beyond.

  “I know,” Jamie said, only just resisting the urge to apologize. She was hardly the sheltered college kid she’d been when she first met Laurie. Just like her ex, she had worked hard to get to where she was in her career. Not only that, but she had lived in a foreign country for nearly three years all on her own. Well, with Britt. And, admittedly, she hadn’t had to learn a foreign language to live in London, even if Welsh accents could be challenging. Either way, it was irritating that Laurie still had that way of making her
feel young and not quite up to snuff.

  “You do seem happy, though,” Laurie said unexpectedly. “I always thought you would end up with a soccer player.”

  Jamie frowned slightly. “You did? Why?” Oh, god, had she talked about Emma to Laurie while they were together, too? Did every single one of her ex-girlfriends know about the torch she’d carried long and far for Emma Blakeley?

  “I just thought you would be happier with someone who shares your passion.”

  That made sense, actually. “You, too, huh?” Jamie said, her smile encapsulating both her ex and her current partner.

  “Yep,” Laurie said, and reached for Beth’s hand. “Plus you used to talk about Emma all the time.”

  “No, I didn’t,” Jamie said, groaning slightly.

  Laurie only shrugged, but Beth grinned and said, “It’s true. She told me that forever ago.”

  And there it was. Still, she could only shake her head because Emma was Emma, and Laurie wasn’t wrong about Jamie’s seeming happiness. She was happy, for so many good reasons.

  “Blakewell, huh?” Laurie added teasingly, and Jamie threw her napkin at her.

  Laurie and Beth had been affectionate throughout the coffee date, and now as Jamie watched them smile easily into each other’s eyes, she felt a flash of envy, a momentary pang of regret. Her parents had loved Laurie. For years after they broke up, her mother and father had asked after her as if they hoped Jamie and Laurie would somehow find their way back to each other. When Jamie had finally asked what made them recall her first serious girlfriend so fondly, her mother had told her that Laurie had single-handedly opened Jamie up. Once they’d started dating, she’d apparently begun expressing her emotions more freely, smiling more and hugging her family the way she used to when she was “younger,” which Jamie knew was code for “before Lyon.”

  “You were a different person after you met Laurie,” her mother had explained. “A much warmer, more affectionate person. She helped you learn to love yourself and others, and that’s something every parent wants for their child.”

  Her parents would be excited to hear the latest update on Laurie’s life, but their interest was different now, more tempered now that Jamie and Emma were back together. Finally together? Whatever. They were a couple, and Jamie’s parents seemed nearly as pleased with that turn of events as Jamie and Emma were.

  When Emma returned to the table, it was, unfortunately, time to head back to New Jersey. They had a morning VR session scheduled at the team hotel before lunch, which would be followed by afternoon training at the stadium. And this was a semi-relaxed day. Tomorrow was the team’s official Media Day event at the Marriott Marquis on Times Square, where close to 200 members of the media would grill them about their World Cup preparations. As if that wasn’t enough reporters to last a lifetime, the morning after that they would be up before dawn to have their hair and make-up done for their appearance on Good Morning America, the number one morning newscast in America with millions upon millions of viewers.

  Jamie’s iron stomach felt a little less metallic and a lot queasier at the thought.

  “Ah, the life of an international soccer star,” Laurie teased as they hugged goodbye. “Again, I’m so happy for you, Jamie. You’ve achieved everything you wanted, which is no small thing.”

  “Not quite everything,” Jamie said, moving on to hug Beth. “We still have to get to Canada and win the whole she-bang, you know.”

  “Wait, which she are you banging?” Laurie asked, grinning.

  Out of the corner of her eye, Jamie saw Emma wince. “Shut it,” she said to her ex, laughing to take the sting out of her words.

  They walked out together and parted ways on the sidewalk in front of the coffee shop, Jamie and Emma headed west toward Penn Station and the PATH train, Laurie and Beth north toward the UN.

  “Good luck in Canada,” Beth told them, waving over her shoulder with one hand, the other clasped around Laurie’s.

  “Kick some grass!” Laurie called out.

  “You, too!” Jamie returned as the distance between them widened. And then Laurie and Beth were obscured from sight behind a building that anywhere else would have been classified as tall but here in NYC was considered on the small side.

  As she and Emma headed back to the train station, Jamie tried to tamp down a renewed pang of envy. Laurie and Beth had held hands in the coffee shop, on the sidewalk, wherever they wanted, broadcasting their relationship to anyone and everyone. Jamie wished she and Emma could swing hands as they strolled along the city sidewalk strewn with cigarette butts and other detritus, but there was a time and a place for public displays of affection and this was not one of them. Big dreams often required sacrifice, and Jo Nichols and the federation had made the rules—of their involvement with each other and their participation on the national team—perfectly clear. But the restrictions were only temporary, only applicable while they were both under contract with US Soccer.

  Emma was quiet beside her, and Jamie tried to picture a future where they might walk down this same street hand-in-hand. Would Emma ever be comfortable showing affection in public? Jamie wasn’t sure, particularly given the extenuating circumstances her girlfriend had only recently revealed. Jamie couldn’t forget Emma’s description of the Boston police station she and Sam had visited after her online stalking situation had taken a particularly frightening turn. She couldn’t forget how Emma’s voice had shaken as they sat in the Roman ruins above Lyon discussing her experience with delusional fans. She couldn’t forget her own flash of fear, either, when Emma shared the police officer’s suggestion that she and Sam have a gun on hand “just in case.” Guns scared the crap out of Jamie, and to think that Emma and Sam had been told that buying one might be the only way to stay safe…

  Emma and Sam had suffered a fairly intense trauma even if the man had never made physical contact, and Jamie understood that meant that Emma saw risks in being together that she simply didn’t. She hadn’t known about Emma’s history with Sam until Lyon, but it wasn’t like not being able to hold hands or otherwise be affectionate in public was a deal breaker. She loved Emma, and as long as Emma loved her back to the best of her ability, that was enough. Well, not enough. But, moving forward, Jamie trusted Emma to respect her boundaries and to treat her with love and compassion. And honesty. She definitely wasn’t about to forget that one.

  If future Emma consistently failed to do any of those things? Then that would be grounds for a conversation Jamie was hoping they wouldn’t ever need to have.

  “Thanks for coming to coffee,” she said, nudging Emma slightly with her shoulder.

  Emma glanced up, startled. “Of course. Thanks for inviting me.”

  “Of course,” she echoed. After a moment, she added, “You okay?”

  “Totally.”

  “Okay.”

  Emma looked at her again. “What?”

  “I said okay.”

  “Yeah, but it was how you said okay.”

  “That’s funny, because I was thinking it was how you said totally,” Jamie returned.

  They walked a few more paces and reached a red light. She always forgot how many traffic lights there were in New York until she was trying to get from one Manhattan location to another. With the city’s crazy cab drivers and the plethora of insane bike commuters and delivery people, it wasn’t a good idea to jaywalk, either.

  “Laurie’s great,” Emma said. “Maybe a little too great… I mean, you said you broke up because of the distance, not because your feelings changed, right?”

  Jamie blinked. Was Emma insecure? She was, wasn’t she? “I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be thinking like that if you knew what Laurie and Beth said while you were in the bathroom.”

  “Thinking like what?” Emma asked defensively. As Jamie just looked at her, one eyebrow lifted, she sighed. “Fine. What did they say?”

  Jamie told her, and soon Emma was smiling, but quizzically like she didn’t quite believe it. And Jamie remembered th
at the outwardly confident perfectionist that Emma projected to the rest of the world was a mask that hid the girl whose father had made her doubt her lovability.

  “No way,” Emma said.

  “Yes way,” Jamie insisted. “Apparently, Clare wasn’t the only one who picked up on my preoccupation with a certain soccer player from my past.”

  Emma looked down and bumped her shoulder into Jamie’s. “Obviously, I’m not that easy to forget.”

  “No,” Jamie agreed. “That, you are not.”

  Emma was quiet again while they waited at another corner, yellow cabs and shiny SUVs honking and cutting each other off at high rates of speed only a few feet away. Then she said, “Did you see those girls at the next table?”

  Jamie nodded. “I thought you were going to yell at them for a second.”

  “I almost did. I mean, it’s like they don’t realize we’re actual people who might not be in the mood to have our private conversations recorded.”

  “I know, but…” Jamie trailed off as the light changed. She checked to the left before starting across the street. She’d seen enough movies to know that drivers didn’t always stop at red lights.

  “But what?” Emma prodded.

  “I guess I’m wondering why a couple of kids with a poor grasp on social boundaries upset you so much,” Jamie said carefully. As Emma looked at her, face taut, she immediately regretted her word choice. “I mean, I think I get it. It’s because of what happened with Sam, right?”

  After a moment, Emma nodded, her face relaxing. “Yeah. And I’m sorry. I know you deserve someone who’s out and proud and can’t stop talking about how lucky they are to be with you. But even without the federation breathing down our necks, I probably won’t ever be able to give you the kind of relationship Laurie and her girlfriend—”

  Jamie stopped suddenly, her hand on Emma’s elbow. “Emma. I don’t need you to tell the whole world that you love me, okay? I get how difficult that is for you, and you don’t have to worry about it. You’re not going to lose me because we don’t hold hands in public.”

  “It’s not that easy, Jamie, and you know it. You’ve literally said that you think I should come out. Remember your speech a couple of months ago about all the bi and pan kids I could help?”