A Sunset in Sydney

by Sandy Barker

  And on the day before I was flying to New Zealand with James, I spoke to Josh.

  I know, I know, but there was no way not to. Josh texted to say he had something important to tell me and asked if we could FaceTime. How could I put him off until after New Zealand? “Uh, sorry, Josh, no matter how important your news is, I’m about to chuff off to the ol’ NZ for a long weekend away with my other lover. I’ll catchya on the flipside!”

  My stomach fluttered as soon I heard the ring tone and I took a breath before answering the call.

  “Hey!” A massive smile broke across his face warming me instantly. I loved that smile. I missed that smile.

  “Hey back! So, what’s the big news? I’m guessing it’s good since you don’t look like you’ve been wallowing or anything.”

  “No, no wallowing. I just wanted to let you know that my bigger life reboot has gotten off to a good start.”

  “Oh, that’s fab! Anything in particular?”

  “Yeah, actually. And it kind of involves you.”

  I had no idea if it was good news or bad, but my traitorous stomach defaulted to “bad” and knotted into a tight ball. Damned video conferencing. It took all my acting prowess, which is hardly any at all, to keep a neutral expression and a light tone in my voice. “Oh yeah? How’s that?”

  “So, you know how I told you that I’ve been kinda stagnant since Greece?” I nodded in encouragement. “Well, I went to see my career advisor and she told me about this cool new team the company’s putting together.” The ball started to unknot as I saw his obvious excitement.

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah, so it’s this innovation team who travels to different geos to work with international colleagues and learn from other organisations, then shares the collective knowledge—kind of like a team of techy diplomats.”

  “Wow, that sounds incredible.”

  “Yes! And she convinced me to apply, and I did, aaand … I got accepted!”

  “Oh, my god, that’s amazing, Josh!” My joy for him bubbled up into a laugh. “Congratulations!” He was grinning so widely that I wanted to zap myself through the screen and be there in person to share his news. “I wish I could give you a big hug. And I hope this doesn’t come across as condescending, but I’m really proud of you.”

  “Thanks!” he replied. “I’m super excited. But, Sarah, that’s not all. The team’s first trip might be to Sydney.”

  “You’re coming to Sydney?!” I started bouncing up and down. And I won’t lie, James did not enter my head at all. Josh was coming to Sydney.

  “Well, not officially yet and if we do, I’m not sure for how long. It might just be a week, and I’d be working most of the time, but it would be cool to see you.”

  I stopped bouncing. Cool to see me?

  Was this more “vacationship” bullshit—just another week of shagging and then he’s off? I caught sight of my face in the corner of the screen, and I was frowning. I pasted on a neutral expression and tried to summon some enthusiasm. “So, when will you find out?”

  “I should know sometime next week—it’s between Sydney and Mumbai. Of course, I’m rooting for Sydney. And if we are coming to Australia, it’ll likely be in the next month or so.”

  “Wow, that’s soon.” And suddenly, James did enter my mind. If Josh’s company chose Sydney over Mumbai, then he and James would be in Sydney at the same time.

  “So, I’ll let you know as soon as I do. It would be so awesome, Sarah. You can show me around your hometown. I mean, I’d be working during the day, like I said—and so will you by then—but we can see each other in the evenings. And I think we’d have at least one weekend there. They’re even putting us up in an apartment in the city. I’d be sharing, but you could stay over if you wanted.”

  If I wanted? I wasn’t sure what I wanted. And who knew what Josh coming to Sydney would mean for us, how it might affect our friendship, or vacationship, or whatever the hell it was.

  As I wrestled with these thoughts, I tried—but failed—to ignore that next to my bed was a suitcase packed to go on a trip with James—who Josh didn’t want me to see.

  I wasn’t sure why I had ever thought it was a good idea to have two boyfriends. I sucked at it.

  Josh, probably blinded by his excitement, didn’t seem to notice how deflated I’d become. Instead, his smile beamed out of the screen at me, making me feel sick. I knew then, right in that moment, I was going to have to make a decision—and soon.

  I gave myself an ultimatum: after New Zealand, pick one.

  Crap. No, not crap—fuck.

  *

  “Hi. It’s me.”

  “Yes, I know. Your name comes up on my phone. It’s this amazing technology.” Lindsey was in full sarcasm mode. Maybe that’s why she’s my bestie—she and Cat are practically the same person, right down to the playful sarcasm and knowing whether I need tough love or a soft shoulder to cry on.

  “Right. I need to talk to you.”

  “So, more than what we’re doing now?” I could hear her typing, which meant she was only half-listening.

  “Yes. Josh called.” The typing stopped.

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Well, FaceTimed. Whatever. Anyway, he’s coming to Australia. For work—maybe—and if it’s definitely, then it’s happening soon.”

  “Oh, wow.” I loved her for understanding me when I babbled.

  “Yeah. And forget the ‘maybe’ part, because it’s fifty-fifty at the moment, and that’s good enough for me to start freaking out.”

  “Of course you are. They’ll both be here at the same time.” I loved her even more for following my pseudo-logic and knowing exactly what was freaking me out.

  We were both silent for a moment—me while I went back over the million and one things I had thought since Josh had called. Lins, I hoped, was quietly formulating the perfect plan to get me out of this ridiculous mess. That I had made. All by my big-girl self.

  “You need to come over,” she said eventually. “Tonight.”

  “Yes.” I had already decided that. The call was me telling her I was coming.

  “It’s actually perfect because Nick is going to spin class.”

  “Spin?”

  “Don’t ask. Anyway, he goes out for pizza afterwards with a couple of the guys from class.”

  “Pizza?”

  “Again, don’t ask. Anyway, come tonight. Seven?”

  “Yep.”

  “Bye.” She hung up without waiting for a reply. Best friends can do that without the other one getting pissy. Plus, she ran her own company. She was busy. I’d probably used up a hundred dollars of her time in that five minutes.

  I showed up at five to seven with two bottles of wine, an overnight bag, and Domino. I figured that since he was already booked into his home-away-from-home for the duration of my trip, what was one extra night? Besides, I wanted him with me. I’d miss his little face while I was in New Zealand.

  Domino always travelled in the car without a cage or anything—he was cool that way—and had spent most of the ride standing on the passenger seat with his paws on the dash watching out the front window. He was squirming in my arms as Lindsey opened the front door, though, so I deposited him on the floor and he ran off down the hallway.

  Lindsey took the bag with the wine in it. “Only two bottles?”

  “I figured we could dip into yours if we run out.”

  After stashing my overnight bag in my room, I followed Lindsey into the kitchen. “So, Nick and spin class …”

  She threw me a look. “I know, ‘don’t ask’, but seriously, spin? When did this start?” You should know that Nick was a surfing rugby player in his younger days. Surfing rugby players were not usually the type of guy you saw in spin class amongst the lycra-clad yummy mummies and the super-fit gay guys. I couldn’t have been more surprised if she’d said he was going to barre class.

  “One of his friends … do you know Dean?”

  I shook my head “no”, then snapped my fi
ngers when I recognised the name. “Yes, divorced guy, speedos, lots of body hair.” I described the guy I’d met at their Australia Day barbecue-slash-pool party the year before.

  “That’s him. So, Dean started going to spin to meet women.”

  “Ewww.”

  “Yeah, and he wanted a wing man, so he roped in Nick one week and, now, Nick goes to spin.”

  I made a funny expression, which said “ick” and “weird” and “whatever floats your boat” all at once. It made Lins laugh.

  “But the pizza afterwards? What’s the point of going to spin if you’re just going to stuff your face with fat and dough?”

  “I think that’s the only reason Nick does go. Well, that and he feels sorry for Dean.”

  “Fair enough.” She handed me a generous pour of one of the wines I’d brought. It was a sauvignon blanc from New Zealand. The second bottle was a pinot from California—not quite Chicago, but you see what I did there? New Zealand and the US—I was torturing myself with my wine choices.

  Lins put the wine in the door of the fridge, then rummaged around for a bit until she came out with a stack of containers—olives, sundried tomatoes, marinated artichokes, and tzatziki—with a block of cheddar and a wheel of brie balanced on top.

  “Okay with nibbles for dinner? I can’t be bothered cooking anything.”

  “Yeah, totally.” Sometimes, Lins is my spirit animal as well as my bestie.

  Without being asked, I went to the cupboard and pulled out some toasted almonds, dried apricots, and two types of crackers, and put them on the counter. I grabbed a giant tray from on top of the fridge—I knew their kitchen as well as I knew my own—and Lins and I loaded up the tray.

  We settled on either end of the couch with the food between us. Domino was curled up on an armchair opposite us, already asleep. “Okay, spill,” prompted Lins.

  I told her as many details as I could remember about the conversation with Josh. She nodded and made the appropriate noises as I spoke, letting me know she was taking it all in and musing things over while she piled crackers high with cheese and munched.

  “So, when you left Josh in Hawaii, you really thought you’d just end up as friends?” she asked, wiping cracker crumbs from the corner of her mouth. The “left Josh in Hawaii” part stung a little, because it made it sound like I’d abandoned him, which I hadn’t.

  I had completely screwed things up by telling him about James, but even though our goodbye was hurried, we’d mostly made things right, and he had sent that text asking me not to make any big decisions until he’d thought things through. So, did I really think we’d broken up for good? Maybe I’d been telling myself we had because it made it easier for me to see James, guilt-free.

  I pondered while chewing on a cracker laden with both dip and cheese. Then the truth hit, and I felt ill, that stupid knot making itself at home in my stomach again. “Yes. I did,” I said quietly. “I went to Hawaii hoping that Josh had figured things out and wanted to be with me, but …”

  “But he hadn’t,” she said, finishing my thought.

  “Exactly,” I said sadly. “And today, at the start of the call, when he was telling me all about this great new job, I was genuinely happy for him—as a friend, you know? I was even thinking, ‘hey, I can do this. I can be Josh’s friend,’ but then when he said he was coming to Sydney—”

  “Maybe. Maybe coming to Sydney.”

  “Maybe, yes, thank you—anyway, when he said he might be coming and that we could see each other and that I could stay over at his place … well, that was boyfriend Josh.”

  “Or vacationship Josh.”

  I piled up more cheese and dip onto another cracker and put the whole thing in my mouth. With my mouth full, I said, “Emphatly,” which meant, “exactly”.

  “So, the real question is, are you willing to see how it goes with Josh if he comes here and if he wants to be more than friends?”

  “I think he does.”

  “Think he does, what?”

  “Want to be more than friends. I mean, he specifically mentioned me staying over.”

  “Maybe he just wants a shag.” I threw her a look. She put her hands up—part-surrender, part-apology. “Look, from what you’ve said, he does seem to have genuine feelings for you—”

  “That he can’t seem to figure out,” I interrupted.

  She raised her eyebrows at me. “Is it fair to judge him for that when you’re in the same boat?” Ouch.

  She was right, though. Josh wasn’t in the middle of a love triangle, but how could I fault him for being unsure of his feelings when I still hadn’t decided which man—if either—to give my heart to? What a selfish cow I was.

  Lins got up, leaving me with my thoughts, but taking our empty wine glasses with her. I heard her refilling them, then the sound of the bottle landing in the bottom of the recycling bin. No short pours in her house. She handed me a nearly full glass and I took a sip.

  “So, what about James? How is it?”

  I looked at her. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I don’t want graphic details or anything, but when you’re with him, does it feel right?”

  She was only asking me the question I’d been asking myself since James had arrived in Sydney, but hearing it out loud made it even more real. And having to articulate a response was an even bigger dose of reality. This wasn’t some made-for-Netflix romcom. This was my life. And there were two other lives involved.

  I thought back to the night James had taken me to Aria.

  After dinner and that mind-blowing dessert, he’d asked me if I wanted to walk back to the hotel or take a taxi. The weather had been mild when we stepped outside—in the low twenties—but I’d just wanted to get to the hotel as soon as possible, so we could go to bed.

  That’s crass, I know. But it was James, and he was ridiculously handsome and sexy, and when he laughed, his eyes crinkled around the corners and he had the most beautiful voice, and I wanted him.

  He hailed a taxi and we slid into the back seat, silently sitting side by side and holding hands for the eight-minute ride. I know it was eight minutes because I watched them tick over on the digital clock on the dashboard. James’s thumb stroked the back of my hand the whole way and my insides turned to mush.

  By the time we reached the room and closed the door behind us, the tension was so high, he pressed me up against the wall, his mouth on mine, and I dropped my clutch without a second thought, throwing my arms around his neck.

  He rested a hand on the small of my back, pulling me closer, and his other hand found the top of my zipper. He slid it down my back and, still kissing me, peeled my dress from my shoulders. It slid to the floor and he broke the kiss. Okay, so maybe sometimes my life is a made-for-Netflix romcom.

  “I want to see you,” he said in his honey-gravel voice. He took a half-step back and his eyes ran the length of me, taking in my lacy bra and matching knickers, looking down my legs to my heels. I didn’t mind the scrutiny. I’d taken extra care with how I looked and felt every bit as sexy as his smile said I was.

  “That’s a very sexy look.” You see?

  “It’s just for you.” I raised my eyebrows at him, a slight smile on my face. I hadn’t been this Sarah for very long—really, I was just trying her on for size—but I relished being her. She was way sexier and far more confident than regular Sarah.

  James must have thought so too. He kissed me again, his tongue seeking mine, and his body pressed against me. I could feel how hard he was beneath his trousers. “Bed,” I said breathlessly.

  James took my hand and led me upstairs. He turned to me and, with an arm around my waist, spun me around and lay me back onto the bed, breaking my fall with his other hand. He held himself just above me and kissed my neck, his lips and his tongue tracking the hollow, then trailing along my collar bone. He pulled aside my bra and took my left nipple into his mouth, making me gasp. His tongue played, teasing me.

  I wanted him inside me.

  “
James,” I whispered. “I want you.”

  He reached underneath me and flicked open the clasp of my bra. He slid it off one shoulder, and I slid it off the other. When it was free of both arms, he took it off me and put it on the bed beside me. His mouth moved to my right breast, as his hand caressed my left. I was in agony for want of him.

  His mouth moved lower and his fingers ran gently along the band of my knickers. He slid them off me. “James.” I was writhing beneath him and then his mouth was on me, and he took me to the brink, then beyond while I called out his name like they do in the movies.

  When I’d climaxed and my senses had returned, I looked down at him as he slowly made his way back up my body, his eyes locked on mine. “James,” I said one more time.

  “Yes, my darling,” he said finally, peppering my face with tiny kisses.

  “I want you inside me.” This time he didn’t hesitate.

  “Well, I kind of have my answer there.” Lindsey was giving me a scrutinising look.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I’m pretty sure that the lost, dreamy look on your face right now is because of James.”

  I ran my hands over my face and blew out a heavy sigh. “Yeah, but maybe it’s just the sex.”

  She laughed then, a scoffing bark of a laugh, and it pissed me off. “What?”

  “C’mon, Sez. This guy flies across the world to see you—”

  “He’s here for work,” I insisted. “But, that’s not—”

  She cut me off. “And to see you. And he’s taking you to New Zealand.” I tried to talk again. “And he told you he’s falling in love with you.”

  “Are you finished?” She gave me a resigned look. “I know all that, but what if it’s just the sex for me?” She looked perplexed. I sighed again. “I only say that, because when I’m with him, I kind of feel like an imposter.”