Football Fiction

by Stilflat Shadow

  Out of darkness cometh light. The Dogheads were running away with the division and smashing them in for fun, averaging three and a half goals a game. What a season they were having so far. So on paper, with the Blues’ recent upturn in form, this promised to be a goal feast game. Alas, what happens on paper very rarely turns out like that in real life.

  “1-1 and a share of the spoils, David. If someone would have offered me a point before the game, I’d have taken it.”

  “Yes, I dare say you would have,” answered Bullion.

  “We played well, David, and looked the better team in patches, but they pressed hard at the end. I’m happy with this result.”

  “I’m glad you’re glad, ‘cause I’m not. It was a must win and we didn’t again. Choke?”

  Gold read his town guidebook, ignoring him.

  “There’re some really famous people from here, you know.”

  Bitominge City 3 Mind The Gap 2

  Mind The Gap was a North Landen Club with a reputation of climbing mountains in a fast assent. In the late ’70s, early ’80s, they went from the unfashionable fourth tier of football to the top of all of football in the space of five years. Unfortunately,. they couldn’t hold on and in the end finished second to The Dippers.

  The game was another goal feast at the Quattro Fianco Stadium. The Lightbulb, How Many Clubs and Zizane scored for the Blues, and The Amazing Creskin and Katherine notched a late one for the visitors. Another great, entertaining game, but where were the masses?

  “Bloody tripe,” said Bullion on the final whistle.

  “I thought it was a great game end to end, but we were never in danger. I really enjoyed it,” answered Gold.

  “I wasn’t talking about the game, I was talking about the numbers. Where is everybody?”

  “David, the world has changed. A lot of people don’t have jobs?”

  “Yes, but they can still come down the match on a Saturday. No?”

  “I think there’s a little more to it than that.”

  “I don’t,” said Bullion, put off.

  The Hoes 0 Bitominge City 1

  Not sure how we won this one but, hey, another three points. The last time I saw a battering like this was in a Rocco film involving a toilet seat. The town of the witnesses is steeped in yore and worthy of any long weekend stay in all the Isles. It is nestled in an enclosed bay where prevailing westerly winds help this mild oceanic climate make it ideal for exotic flora to thrive. The palms and yuccas are the showy winners everywhere, but some hairy mallows and Plymoth pears are regaining their foothold. The secret to their revival is mycorrhiza, which is a symbiotic pathogenic fungus that benefits the plant’s roots.

  The Hoe’s foothold is on the slide and there doesn’t seem to be a savior, which is a shame, as I’m sure the pilgrim fathers wouldn’t have left their town if they had known their team would disappear with Episcopal bishop meltdown.

  “What is Episcopal bishop meltdown, Dee?” asked Bullion.

  “It’s not bashing the bishop, if that’s what you think.”

  Gold smiled, looking up in the air of his last smoke ring.

  “What is it then?” Bullion asked again.

  “It’s when society has turned 359 degrees and is waiting on time instead of time waiting on them; it’s when the world powers change.”

  “How so?”

  “The masses take power.”

  “That sounds almost like communism, Dee.”

  “It’s not. It’s people taking action and striking before the event occurs.”

  “Unions?” smiled Bullion.

  “No, David, you don’t understand. The answer is in this ring,” said Gold, looking up.

  “Oye, I wear the ushanka wanker! I don’t get punchy often, but you are pushing me to the limit. What the hell, are you on about?”

  Gold smiled again. “Can I get a U?”

  “You’ll get my fist in a minute. You might be bigger than me, but I’ll be all over you like a rotweiler.”

  “Dogs? Why think of Dogs now?” asked Gold.

  “I was explaining my feelings for want of an analogy.”

  Gold puffed some more. “Do you think we’ll go up this year?”

  “I bloody well hope so, as we’ve done a nut already, and we haven’t hit the Christmas bonus yet.”

  Gold put his stub out. “As an owner, I don’t think you can think like that or otherwise you’d go crazy.”

  “As an owner, you have to think like that or otherwise you are crazy. The club would go belly up. Look how many clubs are in serious financial stress because of a spend, spend, spend mentality,” said Bullion.

  “David, relax and enjoy the win.”

  “I am, but seriously, how long did it take you to accumulate your wealth?”

  “About three minutes,” answered Gold.

  “No it didn’t.”

  “I don’t know, but it seemed like that. Everything I touch turns to Gold. That’s why I’m always happy.”

  “Well, you must be an exception, because I know my wealth didn’t come overnight, and I’m sure a few other chairmen will tell you the same.

  Plymouth was in dire need of financial assistance, and Bullion and Gold were only there to pick up the three points.

  “What’s this geezer’s name?” asked Bullion.

  “It’s Pall Stapleten, I think. You remember him?”

  “No,” said Bullion. “Why on The Ar would I remember him? You have some lunatic ideas sometimes, Kiki.”

  Gold grabbed Bullion by the throat and picked him up.

  “Don’t ever call me that again. Do you understand?”

  Gold’s delayed response to Bullion’s previous assertions left Bullion atwitter.

  “Sorry David,” said Dee. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  Bullion straightened himself out. “When I threatened you, it was verbal not physical. I don’t like that, Dee, regardless of what I said.”

  “David, I said I was sorry okay! I didn’t mean it. Let’s go introduce ourselves to him, get his autograph and be out of here. Okay, old pal?”

  Bullion nodded. “Who is he anyway?”

  “He played Up The Arse for years and then went to ABU. Big bloke, hard as nails.”

  “Vaguely,” said Bullion.

  “How can you not remember him? He was lethal with SuperMac Up The Arse.”

  “I remember him now. Yes, he was good.”

  “Lets say hi, have a Conyak and make it home before sun up.”

  “Sounds great,” answered Bullion, patting Gold’s arm.

  The boardroom at Homie Park was a small, cozy den with a log fire and wood-walled panels. The chairman was standing in front of it talking with some of his guests.

  “Hello, Pall?” said Gold, extending his hand to the tallest male in the party.

  “Sorry, I’m Peter. That’s Pall,” he answered, pointing to the shortest man there.

  Gold moved his extended hand over in his direction. “Hi.”

  “Hi, Pall Stapleten. Pleased to meet you.”

  Gold shook his hand. “Pleased to meet you. This is my partner, David Bullion.”

  “Pleased to meet you, David.”

  The chairman introduced everyone to their new guests.

  “Good game tonight. We didn’t get any points, but there’s hope in the performance.”

  “Yes,” said Gold. “Great game and you chaps were unlucky.”

  “Yes we can’t seemed to finish the moves off at the moment, but it’s coming. I hope.”

  Bullion skulled his Conyak and checked his watch.

  “Bloody hell, is that the time?”

  “Do you have to go?” asked the Plymouth chairman.

  “Yes. Sorry. Big meeting in the morning,” said Gold.

  “Yes,” said Bullion.

  Gold smiled at the chairman. “Would it be possible to get a picture and your autograph before we leave?”

  “Sorry?”

  “Erm… we would like a picture w
ith you and your autograph,” confirmed Bullion.

  Stapleten was confused. “Why?”

  Bullion looked at Gold to explain.

  “Well,” said Gold. “Isn’t it obvious? Your career?”

  “No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re on about.”

  “Your career,” reaffirmed Gold.

  “I’m an accountant. Since when did that become a glamour profession?”

  “Excuse me, weren’t you the forward Up The Arse in the ’70s?”

  “I think you mean Frank Stapleten, I’m Pall.”

  “Oh,” said Gold. “Well, I guess we don’t need the autograph then. Thanks for having us. See you next time at the Quattro Fianco. Bye”

  And with that, Gold and Bullion were off.

  Norf End 1 Bitominge City 0

  It’s your teenage daughter’s favorite fairy tale, where the beast, upon his first kiss with the princess, turns into a handsome prince. It even starts with “Once upon a time” in Preston. The Lilywhites brought La Bete on in the last ten minutes, and as injury time dissolved, he acted with the grace of a heroic, dying swan and flicked the ball over The Mack in the six yard box into an empty net. The action caused a Preston Cecco Bravo celebration. It was the typical fairy tale ending for the Black and Whites against the Blues in recent years. He might not look like your textbook hero, but he can deliver a killer of a kiss on cue.

  Bitominge City 1 Readingritingrithmetic 3

  The Phonemes were the more clinical side in this early kick-off game and seemed to find their groove embryonic compared to their counterparts. Although Bitominge had lots of attempts on goal, only one went in and that is where I’d like to let this one be. For any Greenies out there that thought for one second my three Rs would be the modern alternative, I give you the four Rs—Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Retard.

  Gyppeswyck 0 Bitominge City 1

  “Did you speak with Morris Ivans?” asked Bullion

  “Yes.”

  “And what did he say?”

  “David, please, when I tell you something, please don’t question it.”

  “So?” asked Bullion.

  “So what? He said sorry for not turning up, he was busy.”

  Bullion held his response for as long as he could.

  “Busy?”

  “Busy. Why is that so unusual?” asked Gold.

  Bullion waited. “So are we going to see him today?”

  “I’m not sure,” answered Gold.

  “What does that mean? He’s home chairman. He has to turn up.”

  “Well, he didn’t say. He apologized and that was it.”

  “Amazing some of these chairmen and the respect they give their peers. I’m staying over for the night, regardless of the result and getting a bit of shopping in. It’s a great town for shopping. Fancy it, Dee?”

  Gold looked at Bullion like he was barking mad.

  “No, David, I don‘t do shopping, and I don’t know many men that enjoy it.”

  “Well, suit yourself, but me and Ingot are cruising the aisles for the holiday discount sales.”

  Gold nodded. “Very good, David, very good.”

  Gyppeswyck is a chronicle of all the empires that have presided over the country down the ages. The Romans erected a large fort as part of the coast defences and the Anglo-Saxons enhanced this with more settlements, and the town grew under the guidance of Raedwald King of the Wuffas. The Vikings came by, did what they did best, only for King Edgar to rebuild it back up for the Normans to occupy it for a couple of hundred years until King John somehow managed to wrestle it back.

  Medieval, Elizabethan, and Victorian architecture litter the town and Dutch potter, Hanseatic mariner, and Franciscans monk influences can be seen on a shopping stroll down the main street even today.

  The game saw two teams that played totally different styles—Gyppeswyck had most of the possession and chances but couldn’t find the net, while Bitominge only had one decent attempt and made it count from the penalty spot. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. It seems this has been our plan so far this season.

  “Keep up the good work,” said Bullion, patting MyQuiche on the back.

  Bitominge City 0 Swonzi 0

  “How do you like their manager?” asked Bullion.

  Gold put his Blew Hump coffee down. “Funny you should ask that. I was just thinking about him while reading the team sheet.”

  “And?”

  “Different keeper, different sweeper, one change up front, but the midfield is the same which is what I liked about them when we played at their place. They keep the ball and make it work for them. They played some smashing football that night. We couldn’t get near them in the first half.”

  “Yes, I must admit I was anticipating a good fisting that night. Still, football can be a strange game.”

  “Yes, it can… and cruel. Remember the Cup final and penalties?”

  “Please, how can you forget that? We were robbed.”

  “We were robbed,” Gold smiled. “And who were we robbed by David?”

  “Oh good one, Dee. The Dippers.”

  “Yes, David, being robbed by The Dippers should not have come as such a big surprise. We outplayed them for most of the game. We had a stonewall penalty denied and lost 5-4 on pens. Mugged.”

  “Yes.”

  Bullion put his arm around Gold’s waist and hugged him. “C’mon big guy. Let’s see what The Chef has concocted today.”

  Swonsi knocked the ball about and controlled the game from start to finish but couldn’t find the net.

 

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  WINTER BREAK

  The Ar has a mandatory winter break as the temperatures plummet in January to minus ten and below. The danger level to the players and travel restrictions made it a no-brainer for the Health and Safety Board to shut it down for four weeks.

  It was great for football, as anything could happen during this period due to the fixture list results for the month being decided randomly by the computer.

  A team might have been running away with the league, but if they had a bad roll of the dice in January they could be back in the middle of the pack again. It was mayhem sometimes, but everybody loved it, as you didn’t know what would happen. The highest a team could score was six and the lowest was a one.

  Bullion and Gold headed for the Islands and sunshine and R&R.

  They made a habit of going to Gold’s compound in Jamaica but this year Bullion was looking into buying his own island retreat and wanted to try out some other destinations.

  “I can’t decide, Dee.”

  “What’s there to decide about? Come to the compound, it’s free.”

  “Yes, Dee, my motto is normally if it’s free give it to me, but I’ve promised the trouble we’d purchase a getaway in the sun next year, and I’d like to make sure I get the Island right.”

  “Do you have a short list?” asked Gold.

  “I’ve narrowed it down to four properties I like.”

  “You mean the Mrs. likes,” corrected Gold.

  “Yes. Two are in Barbados, one in Mustique,—which is the one I like‑and one in Tortola.”

  “What? No Jamaica?” asked Gold. “What’s the matter? You don’t like my country?”

  “No, no Dee, it’s not like that. The wife has been dealing with the realtor. This is what was passed to me. I don’t think she thought greatly about a particular island or the next, only what the realtor sent her,” said Bullion.

  “But, still, David you could request?”

  “Like I said Dee, I didn’t really think about it. I’d still be coming to yours every winter break if it was up to me.”

  Gold smiled and patted Bullion on the back.

  “So, the way I’ve worked it is, I asked if any of them were available for a week? Three of them were available. Two fully furnished for one week and one unfurnished for the whole four weeks.”

  “How much?” asked Gold.

  Bullion smiled
. “Free.”

  “Which one?” asked Gold, interested.

  “All of them. Can’t give them away.”

  “Blimey Bully, do you have some details? I might be interested in that myself.”

  “I’ll call the house right now, and she can fax them to us while we have a Conyak and a visit with the Welsh National Male Voice Choir in the lounge.”

  “I wouldn’t mind having a week away from the family on another island with my posse.”

  “Yes Dee, well you’re a braver man than me. I’ve seen your Mrs. Angry, and it’s not a pretty sight.”

  Gold smiled again. “That’s why I married her. You don’t want a girl with no fight.”

  “When are you heading off?” asked Bullion.

  “Not till Tuesday, seventy-eight percent nitrogen, twenty-one percent oxygen Jamaica does a special deal ‘Two for Tuesday’ in first class, so me and the Mrs. always take advantage.”

  “What about the kids?”

  “They travel economy with their nannies.”

  “That’s a bit uncharitable, isn’t it?”

  “Not really, David, none of them are in their teens yet and wouldn’t appreciate the difference.”

  “What about the nannies?”

  “Fuck the nannies, David, and if they were cute I would.”

  “Oh, I see, it’s like that then?”

  “Yes. The Mrs. takes care of the domestic area including the nannies, and yes, they are older and fatter than her.”

  “You see, Dee, my Mrs. might want to choose the winter break getaway, but she doesn’t mind me having a jape and a wease with her mates as long as she’s present.”

  “We are both lucky men then, ‘cause I see my wife as my best friend who I happen to shag.”

  They entered the lounge laughing together.

  “Do you remember this lot?” asked Bullion.

  “Vaguely,” said Gold. “I know they were all called Morgan except one.”

  “Right,” said Bullion.

  “And none of them are related? How does that work?”

  “I’m from Wales. They’re related. Don’t believe them,” said Bullion.

  They walked up to the Swonsi boardroom group.

  “Yaki Da,” said Bullion, raising his glass.

  “Oes maer arth yn cacci yn y goedwig, and if you don’t mind we prefer to speak English in England,” answered Huw Morgan, sticking out his hand.