Viva la vida (english version)
Page 16
2. Alice Boffi.
"From when you, have gone down inside me, I have understood that it was not beautiful anything, because nothing is as you..."
Just reentered by the" trip to the bachelorhood" I didn't do whether to think to Alice Boffi.
Her image, that he was sfuocata in the temporal passages and in the dynamics of the events, reappears bossy and well defined with the return to the life of every day.
Although I/you had stopped promoting negative reflections on the value of our casual meeting happened to thousand kilometers from house, the idea to see again it produced her/it conflicting states of mind.
Certainly it was so beautiful, that would have been stupid to deny him the opportunity to spend some time with her but the fear of rincontrarla in a daily context indeed it produced repetition doubts.
When and as I would have had to contact her/it? And as I would have had to behave me? And her? As you/he/she would have approached to me? Would you/he/she have been the same one of Leuca? And me? Would I have succeeded in shaking me of back the weight of the roles and alone being myself?
Too uncertainties.
Left the camper and the friends, opened the door of house, placed the suitcase, it was me from immediately arrival the temptation to send her a message to tell her/it of my return, of the last developments on the story of Chicken and Gianca and of the matter of the tattoo to Lignano.
But for what I knew, she would be been able to be still in Puglia, or in another place, or with someone, and perhaps he/she didn't even want to be disturbed. I have abdicated.
The problem was everything in what had happened among us that evening in the beach: you/he/she had so totally been perfect and only to be made to believe me that anything had happened among us after that first moment you/he/she would not have produced the same marvelous affinity.
I have attended for two weeks before deciding to make to feel me.
Two departed weeks racing for abominable distances every evening after the job (rain and wind annexed), in the vain hope of crossing by chance her as often happened.
If nothing else, because of all that to race, had reached a condition physical. athletic devastante, grated the Parmesan cheese with the abdominal ones and I/you/they has been contacted by the Italian Olympic committee for to place to the world neighbors of athletics.
Nevertheless, when I have begun to fear that Alice was volatilizzata or worse that you/he/she concretely was not never existed and you/he/she derived pure from my imagination, I have decided to send her a message.
«Have returned! You? everything well?»
Hardly envoy however, I have realized to be indeed a big fool.
Had we reentered from two weeks and me I wrote her as if we were seen before there the evening; moreover" you" to whom was turned? To his/her/their cousin? To the friend? And that it rubbed me? There was not an an and we you, I looked for her, I wanted her.
I have immediately phoned her.
«Ready?»
«Yes, Alice? I am Paul Orlando... that of Leuca... that is, not that I am Leuca... we are seen to Leuca there... beh, saw also us first but...»
«Ohi, calm, have understood who are! Hi Paul!»
«Hi Alice. Excuse, is that I have just sent you a message and...»
«I have not read him yet!».» >
«Well! But have you returned now?»
«To say the truth they are two weeks.»
«However, what a sense of timing!»
«It is that I didn't know, even I disturbed, I didn't want to be intrusive. I hoped to meet around you, but I don't have you more sight. Don't you race anymore?»
«Allows to lose! I have a problem with the tendon of Achille, it makes me go crazy!»
«Return him/it!»
«Thing?»
«The tendon... to Achille! If it doesn't go return him/it, I give you mine rather!»
«I diminish! Jokes apart, as are you?»
«Boh... I would say well, better. Oddios there are considerable novelty, but I don't want to hold you a hour to the telephone, I will tell you!»
«Excellent! When?»
«When that?»
«When end her/it! Stupid, did I intend when you will tell me? When we see us?»
«...»
«There were promised of dear Paul to see again us, memoirs?»
«Yes! Beh... when you want!»
«Friday evening you would be busy?»
«Mmm, make to think of me Wings... No, I am not busy anything Friday! But so are you that are inviting me! However ok. that you say of it, supper from Gigi?»
«But from the! Indeed few original! Excuse, alive alone, no? You strutted you so much to know how to manage an apartment and to be an experienced cook... I come to supper from you! This way control!»
«However, beautiful convinced this Alice.»
«You won't think indeed that I have second ends eh? Won't you do a matter of roles and circumstances of it again true?»
«No, calm, I took around you!»
«Well! Then to Friday! Do we hold good the classical one at 20.00 o'clock?»
«At 20.00 o'clock!»
«Ok! Then I escape that they are in super delay!»
«Yes, but I have to explain you where I live...»
«It doesn't need, I know him/it!»
«And as do you know him/it?»
«Have asked to your cousin, I have documented! If you still waited for some to do you alive, you found again me on the door of house a few evenings, that creeds!»
«Ah.»
«From the Paul, I go.»
«Yes, are right, I also have scrubs, to Friday! Hi!»
«A kiss. Rather no, a fist on the shoulder!»
«And it seemed you!»
«Hi.»
«Hi.»
This way I have found completely unprepared to receive that so expected guest.
How to systematize house? What to cook? On which to aim type of evening? Which to make himself/herself/themselves expectations of result?
Between a question and the other one you/he/she has arrived on Fridays.
I had hypothesized thousand different dishes to surprise Alice, so much that the more hailed of the world chefs has even had never to trouble him so much to surprise.
The fact is that for a long time a man that cooks for a woman shows as of itself can imagine and there is not moreover way of understanding on the base of what elements you/he/she will be analyzed.
It is a mystery a thing that you/they know only the women.
Tropical recipes, oriental kitchen, Indian, Russian, Brazilian. I have thought of her all, but it seemed me impossible to find the key of time to surprise Alice Boffi.
I had at least known his/her tastes, I had at least known something in more than her.
While I was reflecting how much certain lines of my character, also admitting everything I strive him/it imaginable to improve me, you/they would have remained soaked of paranoia and uncertainty, the rubber band of the impulsiveness has gone off me.
At 17.00 o'clock I have sent her a message:
"I am not an experienced cook! Certain dishes also come me from dogs! Then, if you want to eat in acceptable way, it is worthwhile that we order something. I wait you to the 20.00. Excuse."
I had always been this way. When I climbed on exaggerated expectations, I got frightened me up to make me ridiculous and to expire in the insufficiency of personality.
Alice has answered laconic few minutes later:
"Ok"
And with that message, sent without making to shine through any type of emotional reaction, you/he/she has slowly begun to make to understand me how much my fears were unjustified entirely.
You/he/she has reached 19.58 o'clock, with an unimaginable punctuality in comparison to my frequentazione female standard. Tennis shoes lived, sweater of sleeve cotton long, blue jeans. It didn't have the shining tan of the sea anymor
e to August, but it was the same marvelous without owing him to cover with a line of makeup. Me, that had gotten ready to receive her/it in shirt starched of tintoria, pant to cut English and vivacious moccasin, spiazzato has remained entirely.
«Wow, that elegance!» you/he/she has begun placing me a plastic envelope in hand.
Inside the envelope: a wrapping of spaghetti, three eggs and a beautiful I shear of smoked bacon.
«You like the Carbonara? I adore him! However if doesn't suit you can order indeed for telephone! »
«No, imagine Alice, the Carbonara goes very well! Rather, I would have had to imagine that you would have come adorned casual. I have dressed as a penguin me!»
«Are well! Do The shirts dress you to the great one, but if you feel yourself uncomfortable changed, no? Because you owe amounts something? Does he/she anchor you don't understand that it doesn't serve?»
I have changed.
While I was slipping me, behind the entry of the room, a less institutional t-shirt blue, I have observed Alice stir for the kitchen.
You/he/she has exclaimed «Instrument!»
I have answered «Ok.» And she has begun to give him to do.
You/he/she has opened the drawers where I held the silver wares, taken the glasses, recovered pot and frying pan, started boiling the water. It stirred as if we were coinquilini from a life, guessing without any uncertainty where to find what served her. There was not any line of intrusiveness in his/her gestures, there was not a crumb of impudence, but there was not even the insecurity and the doubt of the strangers in his to stir for the kitchen. It emanated only a great practical sense and a true genuineness in every action of his.
I/you/they are gone out of the room and I have said «Eccomi!»
You has smiled at me in bright way, doing really that smile, that" of the girl that laughs."
We have prepared the supper together and while I cut the bacon she beat the eggs; while she drained the pasta, I uncorked the wine. We were already a team.
This way we have dined in our first appointment and I have not served refined dishes in signed suits, but we have tasted the Carbonara and the red wine of my father as if there was not anything more normal, nothing more beautiful.
And to think how many times the run I had made complicated that brings to the simplicity.
Instead at that time with her I felt not to need other and I understood to have nearby a person to which I didn't have to strive to offer me nothing that I/you didn't want, and for this motive to give what I possessed.
It was as to be among friends, it was as to be with Mark.
Unbelievable as they resembled him.
To table, after a brief phase of initial study, I have slowly grown loose in the amiability of the discussion and I/you/they have slipped with Alice in a soft conversation, pleasant, free.
Speaking so with her, you/he/she is seemed me to begin to understand her/it and for this to mostly appreciate her/it.
Curious, I have asked even her thing you/they had combined his/her cousin and my two strampalatis friends to Leuca, but she has not wanted to confirm neither to deny my insinuations...
To say the truth, finished the supper there has been a moment in which I have risked to again fall in the obsession to have to favor my role. Useless to deny that I had gotten ready to that meeting with a particular attention. Music of foundation carefully choice, diffusion of the light opportunely modulated, underclothes of first level, hygiene personal course to incomparable standard. There has been a breaker in which I have considered that the being confined in my apartment with such an attractive girl demanded a some kind of result.
Cleared the table and filled the lavastoviglie, I have thought that I would have had to gather the occasion and to drag the girl that laughs on the Swedish matrimonial bed to reach the target, but I have not done him. Have stared at her in the eyes a second of too perhaps and of sudden have told her «Now go! I would never like to ruin everything this trying us with you as it would do one any!»
«Badly! A pochino I feared that the hormones departed you! But where do we go?»
«The purse that we go out take. I bring you in a special place! Should you trust me by now, no?»
«Mmm, ok!»
To Leuca, Alice had given me an important lesson on as to avoid to attribute him some roles.
With her" girl that laughs" nearby I have conducted my paid compact car in quarantadue comfortable monthly installments for four kilometers of comfortable curves, a distance and a run that I knew very well.
Reached destination I have exclaimed «Voilà!»
«Ah, the belvedere! Also I find him/it splendid!» you/he/she has confirmed Alice. Has you/he/she asked curious then «And because here?»
It didn't have all the blames in to wonder because I/you had dragged her in that place.
The belvedere was a place more than known to every inhabitant of the country on the lake, and if I/you had also wanted to surprise I would have had to bring in the daytime us Alice, when the scenery was very more suggestive and the light revealed in full the spaces distant of the opposite shores.
In effects however I didn't want in any way to try to impress her/it or to marvel her/it.
I wanted only that were there, us two.
I have opened the door of the auto and without saying a word I/you/they have gone down lighting up me a cigarette; Alice has made the same thing, but without smoking.
The air by now cold of September seemed an advance in winter and the damp puffs of wind they caressed the perimeters of our figures looking for, in the overlaps of the summer fabrics still, passages whether to slip himself/herself/themselves and to provoke a shiver. They were not that dark shades the mountains that surrounded him/it and to read the vibrating lights of tide that reflected him on his/her surface; nothing upset him/it and nothing has perhaps bumped never him. Nothing will certainly upset never at night that cold and black mirror that silent mystery that we in the daytime call lake.
«I have brought here you because this place has a lot to tell me.»
«On you?»
«I think whether to want well to see, every person has a place, a space, a territory defined that you/he/she tells of itself. Don't you believe? Beh, this is mine!»
«You intend a proper space? Your space?»
«More proper in sense of possession I would say... personal! You see, I know for a long time this knoll and I could tell you thousand anecdotes lived here. There done sit for example on that spiazzo, have I given the first kiss to a girl, do you know?»
«Beautiful! Do I/you/he/she still remember of it? But then you are a romanticone!»
«Yes... in short... to thirteen. in dark we had employed to lot of time to arrive until here afoot... vabbè, leaves alone. Once next to that hole Gianca is fallen with the moped... twelve points have put him.»
«However!»
«With Mark... on that bench we came there to study in summer. Oddio, is not that we studied a lot, but he liked to read to the open one.»
«And to you?»
«I, didn't like to read! Neither to the open one, neither to the closed one!»
«From the? And to say that you have the bookstore!»
«My father has the bookstore. Poveretto, has been for him a notable effort to impose to read me at least the great classical!»
«And has you/he/she succeeded there?»
«In effects yes! I read quite a lot, sopratutto in the last years!»
«I adore Alexander Baricco!»
«It seemed you!»
«Eh?»
«No, nothing, is alone that it is my preferred author. Oh, every time seems to do he/she waits for him/it!»
«Thing?»
«Anticipate me! It is unbelievable but you have the power to say the things that I would like to feel to tell you!»
«Ahahahah.»
«In that square excavated David has done him for the first tim
e. You were a monster... it seems me that it called Selene... boh, one of Milan in vacation... and he also boasted him, would have had to feel him/it! It said that you/they would have had to place a plate of recognition in that square!»
«You?»
«Absurd, it is so conceited that...»
«They will miss you, true?»
«So much. Excuse, is that I don't even become me I count that end always with to speak of my friends.»
«Not to worry you, is beautiful to feel to speak to you of them and they is gathered so many things on you from as you tell of it.»
«Indeed?»
«Yes. After all the first time that I have met you I have understood to the flight that you were a lot...»
«Very?»
«Very... only!»
«Very only? You seem Chicken!»
«Ahahahah, will be your presence that makes me ungrammatical! No, indeed I said, that are special! It immediately jumps to the eye!»
«But in that sense?»
«The groups of young males usually involve as a small flock. Even if in stylized way, they maintain characteristics and coarse reflexes, primordial. You, to study well you, more than a flock you seemed a whole organs that worked for an only system.»
«To study well us? Organs for a system? But what do you say? Do you speak as a zoologist?»
«Oddio Paolo, is rambling! You are right!»
Alice was excited while she was speaking.
It not only suffered him/it the eccentricities of his/her definitions, but also from the way with which it looked for in the dark my eyes, from the folds slightly more uncertain than he/she took his/her smile from the gesture to continually move himself/herself/themselves the hair from the forehead.
Time later you/he/she would have revealed me that had been suffering for that evening you/he/she had understood that would be enamored of me.
After all the women know him/it.
However I have not surrendered to the temptation some vain to make the emotion notice her but rather I have started «Sai Alice, has brought here because this is the place where from more than ten years I come to ask me questions.»
«And which questions do you do yourself?»
«Beh, those that do him everybody! It is the place where me am always refugee when I had need to think, to understand.»
«To understand what?»
«Who am. And if, what I become in the time, coincides with what I would have liked to be...»
«And does it coincide?»
«Beh, to say a lot not the truth. Years I have given to intend to strive me to be me more reagent, more concrete in to choose the type of life that I felt more mine, but I have concluded with to run aground me in the abstract thought of desires that you/they seem unattainable, in the reflection pure end to herself.»
«Concluded? Have not concluded! How can you think about having concluded something?»
«Yes, beh, up to I now intended.»
«If nothing else are aware of it! It is already something to look inside him same and to understand to have to improve. You now have to improve you!»
«You will understand, and as he does?»
«Difficult to say him/it, but I believe that to improve if same is directly tied to do, and not only to analyze. Certainly, risking himself/herself/itself there is the risk to fall in the errors, but I believe that the tied up errors to the possession tried to be best are absolutely remediable or in every case pardonable. No?»
«Alice seems indeed Mark! Do you speak as does he, think as he, is not that you are relatives?»
«Stupid!»
«It is clear that you are right Mark and you to see her/it in this way, but it is not so simple to bathe himself/herself/themselves in the things. Don't you for example know, how much would I like to change job, but as it does him to leave a sure place, even done envy, for something uncertain?»
«You don't like thing of the job that you now do?»
«Believe me, it is not a whim, but I would change everything. They are years that I try disgust for the people with which I collaborate, for the total absence of morality in the activities that we have to develop and for the face it toasts, the constant hypocrisy of the official behaviors to be held. If I think it the voltastomaco it comes me.»
«And cannot the things be modified?»
«Impossible.»
«Then changes! Rather start to put you in condition to change! Certain passages must be made with calm! You keep in mind that the job is at the base of many aspects of the life and you/he/she cannot be thrown to the air a stable employment for the first difficulty. But if the things are so harvest badly it begins to be recettivo toward a possibility of alternative. It is that the first footstep, to be open to the change!»
«Yes, I have understood, but it is not a walk. However we change discourse, I don't feel like absorbing all of your patience telling you my paranoias.»
«You know that I like to listen to you.»
«Yes, but I don't want you to be always to feel mine fixed! Beginning to have cold, that says of it if we return in car?»
To complain so with Alice to our first appointment you/he/she had made me feel for the nth time a weak and a capricious immature. He/she remembered me the last times when I had gone to make visit to Mr. Mario and him you/he/she had scolded me for my softness.
This way we are gone up again on my compact car as to go. I had the impression not to have been able to recreate the same magic of the night of Leuca and I had begun to try an incomprehensible hurry to want to close our meeting. In more, I believed that Alice was tired of the evening.
Have I asked her «we Go?»
«Ok, if you want!» you/he/she has suddenly answered detached.
I have inserted then the keys in the block of lighting and I have started the motor, then I don't know the, why, verse I have turned her and I have kissed her.
You, again in tuning with me, you/he/she has left that I did and you/he/she has granted that slowly our languages met him, that timidly our mouths were explored, up to melt himself/herself/themselves the one with the other.
I have stopped the motor, I have fixed in the eyes Alice Boffi and from quegl'occhi I have understood that the evening would be prolonged of a lot.
We spoke, we kissed us, but we didn't go further never to the passion of the gestures; even if anything said it gradually assumed us the definite tones of a full confession, volute, desired. In that dark car, above the belvedere that scrutinized the lake, there are reported defects, weakness, awareness and hopes of each of us with the whole most greater possible honesty, with the whole purity of whom would be able not to meet again more.
By now absorbed in the night, I/you/they have succeeded in doing so that also Alice he/she spoke some itself.
You has been to the game and, even if you/he/she would have been able to lie or to misguide considering the intimacy of the questions that I was able her, pushed therer in depth, more I warned what it desired that remained there: in the secretiveness of the words that you/they are not told anybody.
It was as if a bridge was stretched among us, a connection through which the truths of every were free to pass to the other; to go, to return or simply to stay himself/herself/themselves suspended.
Alice has given me lines of itself that I would not even have been able to realize alone and you/he/she has delivered me so personal secret to embarrass me.
Thinking well of us, we would have been able so much to burn us with the aggressiveness of a way of knowing him vehement, but we didn't try fear, simply we perceived the trust that, giving so much of itself, we put back each towards the other.
Declaring then in departure the papers in possession, we enjoyed both some advantage to avoid us losses of time.
In this way for the whole night we are explored in such a deep contact by to reach the point to exchange us the souls there.
And we have remained in that place for times, without
any imposition, isolated and happy as small deserters from the daily war of the time that goes, until the necessity of the sleep you/he/she has not torn us from that is suspended.
I have accompanied again Alice up to his/her auto under house my anchor incredulous than happened.
I felt me to float and, even if I could not conceive how much that girl would have twisted me in positive the life, I understood to have crossed my run with a special person.
Before it went have I asked her «And now that happens?»
«Only what will want us! When I see you Paul again?»
«When you want Alice. Every time that you want. Also now!»
«Now» she has responded, for then to smile at that way all his/her.
«From the I go, it is slow.»
«Hi girl that laughs, thanks for the beautiful evening!»
«Hi Paul Orlando, has been also a stupendous evening for me, better than I hoped!»
And you/he/she has been climbed in car, fast to disappear after all behind the curve to the road, almost nearer than the usual one in the light of the dawn of that September Saturday.
To that first official meeting of ours many others have followed of it; all characterized by long visceral conversations, landscapes to be gazed and to discuss, insatiable kisses, breaks of thought and abrupt accelerations of feeling. For different time, the fullness of the time passed with Alice Boffi has even inhibited my sexual pulsionis toward her. It is not that the desire missed in physical terms, it was alone that the demand I didn't feel to go further to the contact, I didn't warn the necessity or the need to amplify in practical way I exchange him/it continuous been born among us.
It was as if I had everything being simply with her, as if I found the whole world inside his/her eyes.
Then an evening, in the square of the belvedere that David would have liked titled to his/her name, has happened that our bodies met him, they were infinitely mixed for brief once and infinitely long: without measure.
Nothing to want to remove from none of the preceding ones, but that night of sex I could define her/it my first time: my first time this way.
You/he/she has been so vibrating to be been miraculous, so much exceptional that when we are separated there and we have been absorbed in the sweat and in the warm odor of our desires, I have believed to be able to die.
«I started to be afraid not to interest you, or that you were gay. Beh, evidently of it one of it the other! Badly!» Alice has sigh hastily dressing again himself/herself/itself to return home. After having done him/it, we had remained for times to caress us silent thin to put to sleep us and we woke up to a maddish schedule there.
«No that I am not gay! But it looks at you this!»
«From the Paul, you know that I like to pick you.»
«Eheheh, by now I begin to know you beautiful my! But this whole hurry? You can sleep from me if you want, tomorrow so much he doesn't work!»
The sentence is finished, hardly I am reformed to have asks him it.
Because with Alice, to the origin of our history, I have suffered quite a lot of the fear to tie too much me and
me it has taken many months because I stopped being so selfish to want to enjoy both of the beneficent scanzonatis of the free being and without ties, that of the marvelous intimacies been born to be with her.
Looking back me I can justify that period with Alice, made of escapes and resumptions as the logical consequence of the dreadful habit to which the precedents relationships had conducted me.
I feared a lot that one day, looking at to smile her/it" girl that laughs", I would have seen only a facial expression and not more a prodigy. Luckily has not happened and Alice Boffi has taught me, it teaches me every day with the patience of the love that you/they have only the women, how much unbelievable liberty can be reached in the sharing of a project with a person that is loved.
After all, had not I ever feared to tie too much me to a friend, because I would have had to fear to tie me with that unbelievable person?
However that evening, our first time, Alice refused the proposal.
«No, I cannot sleep from you. In forty days I discuss the thesis, I still have to end her/it!»
«Ok, as you want!»
«And it looks that I would not even have come there if I/you had not been busy anything to sleep with you!»
«And because it excuses?»
«I don't know of precise because, but I feel to have to build with calm this thing of us two. I feel him/it! Sooner or later I will understand perhaps it!»
Among the fundamental necessities that for the growth of a small bud are needed, the hurry is not contemplated.
This lesson, together with a lot of others, we would have understood her being together.